Page 2 | What to text guy who's fading

Confidenceonfloor · 2021-11-11T19:27:25+00:00

Guy I've been dating for a couple of months has stopped contacting me.Pretty sure I'm being faded.Been here before and not going to chase.But I lent him a book and I want it back...it's actually a library book so I need to return it.Hate thought of having to text.Do I just say please post book back and not mention the no contact or should I call him out?!

Thinking2041 · 12/11/2021 06:45

But I’d be prepared for the fact he won’t:

MrsJackWhicher · 12/11/2021 06:49

@50ShadesOfCatholic

Fading aside, you can still get your library book back in a dignified manner.

Hey faded,
Just had a reminder that the book you borrowed is due back. Would really appreciate you posting back to me or the library. Thanks!

This is the best response

samesign · 12/11/2021 06:50

Just ask for it and preferably for him to drop it back, you're not asking about him so he'll know you're no longer interested in him.
I don't think there's any need to ask about his fading away, it's clear he's lost interest and without sounding like a nutter that can't give up it's the best action is to also fade away.

Sexytimeusername · 12/11/2021 07:10

Definitely don't just suck up the fine. Fuck that!

"Hi, you borrowed my book Men Are Such Dicks Sometimes and its overdue at the library. Could you please post it back direct to the library? Address is xxx. Thanks, take care x"

I would tell him to post it to the library because that makes it clear you're not fishing for contact.

He probably won't and you'll get fined anyway, but don't go down without a fight!

Original poster

Confidenceonfloor · 12/11/2021 19:45

I msgd asking him to post to me or directly to library.Still on unread though I'm sure he's seen it as he's glued to his phone.I'd say he'll keep it-just out of pettiness.Honestly!

OP posts:

Spiceup · 12/11/2021 19:51

If you're in the same county he can return it to his local library, it doesn't need to be the one you borrowed it from.

I'd ask him to do that once but accept paying for the book of he hadn't within a week or two. He's not going to "learn" anything either way and you get to forget all about him that way

Original poster

Confidenceonfloor · 12/11/2021 20:08

Not in same county.God no- I won't be sending a second msg.I'm very done!

OP posts:

Pinkflask · 12/11/2021 20:40

Absolutely no point calling men out on stuff. It’s not a principle thing, it’s that they won’t suddenly feel shame or learn a lesson and all that’s happened is that you’ve poured energy and emotion into something that will just dangle there unresponded to. No closure, no satisfaction, just you looking over-invested. You leaving them hanging will have way more impact.

Original poster

Confidenceonfloor · 12/11/2021 20:46

@Pinkflask this I know!I didn't mention anything at all re fading,simply asked for my book.Now the fading has moved to ghosting.He obviously has the intellect of an amoeba so tbh the book might've been lost on him!

OP posts:

50ShadesOfCatholic · 12/11/2021 21:43

@Confidenceonfloor

I msgd asking him to post to me or directly to library.Still on unread though I'm sure he's seen it as he's glued to his phone.I'd say he'll keep it-just out of pettiness.Honestly!

Well done, all you can do.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/11/2021 21:48

@Pinkflask

Absolutely no point calling men out on stuff. It’s not a principle thing, it’s that they won’t suddenly feel shame or learn a lesson and all that’s happened is that you’ve poured energy and emotion into something that will just dangle there unresponded to. No closure, no satisfaction, just you looking over-invested. You leaving them hanging will have way more impact.

So - just let men feel free and easy about their bad behaviour?

I do know what you mean in terms of not letting them know they got to you.

But - fuck that. This dickhead stole a library book. Why the hell should op pay for that?

TheFoundations · 12/11/2021 22:16

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I think the idea is not to educate people about themselves, but to steer clear of them without giving yourself the drama of taking responsibility for their idiocy. The core of the issue here isn't the library book, or who 'wins'. The goal is for OP to feel happy and settled, which is more likely if she's not starting a conversation with a disrespectful person about trying to get a possession back from him, which he already knows he has, and already knows is hers. If he wanted to give it back, he would have done.

Original poster

Confidenceonfloor · 13/11/2021 00:25

So this guy is loopy.He replied and passively aggressively was like "long time no hear"....hello he's the one that didn't contact me.Happily he says his phone has spontaneously deleted my address so gonna send him my work address.He seems pissed I'm not questioning why he faded me and tbh I'm loving his discomfort!

OP posts:

50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/11/2021 01:39

@Confidenceonfloor

So this guy is loopy.He replied and passively aggressively was like "long time no hear"....hello he's the one that didn't contact me.Happily he says his phone has spontaneously deleted my address so gonna send him my work address.He seems pissed I'm not questioning why he faded me and tbh I'm loving his discomfort!

but is he going to return the book?

CheekyHobson · 13/11/2021 05:30

Well done for the polite message and you're probably best to continue being mysteriously uninterested in where he's been as that may intrigue him enough to send the book back. Then you can just ignore him forever.

Am completely baffled by those who seem to think that asking him to return the book he borrowed would mean a loss of dignity on your part. The only person who should realistically feel any loss of dignity regarding that message would be him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/11/2021 05:36

Wow, so he's pissed off that you didn't chase him?! Bullet dodged!

Hope he does post it x

A580Hojas · 13/11/2021 07:21

You've definitely had a lucky escape from this plank. If he doesn't return the book and you get a fine then he's a plank x 100.

liveforsummer · 13/11/2021 08:59

If you didn't contact him either he's probably got a bruised ego that his fade wasn't extended by hopeful messages from you. I suspect he won't return the book

Original poster

Confidenceonfloor · 15/11/2021 11:00

I definitely don't think I'll see my book again!Contrary to all my best intentions and any cop-on I should have I couldn't resist messaging.I was ghosted once before and said nothing but this time I couldn't resist.Firstly just in case there was some misunderstanding(he had seemed so nice!)and second to put a complete end to it in case he decided to crawl back at a later date.Naturally I got no reply and I've now deleted him.
This was the message.

"Long time no hear indeed!It's not fair to expect me to always be the one to initiate texts.Communication is a two way street.After our last date you didn't mention ever meeting again and u didn't really text.In the end I assumed you were ghosting me and didn't have the courtesy to say bye.

When we do meet we seem to get on so I don't get the comms problem!Do you want to continue seeing me or not?It's a yes or no answer.If yes u can give me book in person.If not please return to address above and mark for my attention.Thanks."

I'm wondering though was my message a bit crazy?!I'm clueless as to how far one should go in standing up for oneself.I cannot abide wishywashiness and am a pretty straight talker.Might be part of problem I'm single.Thoughts?

OP posts:

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 15/11/2021 11:10

Your message is fine. He is a twat. £10 is annoying but cheaper than the inevitable costs in therapy and wine if you got stuck in a relationship with him!

crackofdoom · 15/11/2021 11:10

I dunno OP, I have come to the conclusion that you’ve got to be true to yourself. I find tiptoeing around and trying to second guess a bloke causes me extreme anxiety, and it’s better for my mental well-being to just ask. I think the whole “playing hard to get/ pretending to be not bothered” thing is just a hangover from patriarchal assumptions that women should somehow be a prize to be pursued, and don’t possess emotions of their own.

I can’t say that this approach has brought me long lasting love yet, but it has made me happier and more comfortable in myself, and possibly weeded out time wasters earlier on than it would have before, which are both pluses.

BudgeSquare · 15/11/2021 11:15

My god why would you ever lend someone a library book? Recipe for disaster

nocnoc · 15/11/2021 11:15

I’d be over polite about it
“Hi! Hope you’re having a great week! Just had a call from the library. They want that book back I lent you. Can you drop it into them or post to me ASAP please or it’s gonna cost me £££. Thanks! See you soon”

Then don’t reply to any further messages about getting together or seeing each other. I’d just keep asking for the book and only respond about that. Greg Rock. Then once the book is back go no contact. Don’t chase. Don’t indulge.

If he doesn’t respond in a week about the book. I’d send one final text

“Hey. Am I getting that book back please? You’re costing me cash now. Cheers”

Then I’d pay the library for the book.

Weedoogie · 15/11/2021 12:29

Greg Rock indeed....

Ema52 · 15/11/2021 12:38

@Dozer

Would just pay the library for the book.

This.

Are you sure it's not a excuse to get in touch.