Sell me a relationship

[LittleMo234]

So it'll get to evenings / weekends and I'll see my coupley friends doing coupley things and think I want some of that...

Then I dabble in OLD and they'll all be creeps, weirdos or when I think I've found a nice one to chat to, the conversation gets pervy and I block them.

Or I come onto MN and read about all the unhappy relationships people are trying to escape and it puts me right off trying again.

My last 2 relationships were 25 years and 5+ years. The first one ended in divorce as he cheated and the second one ended up being more about friendship than anything else, so my experiences haven't been very inspirational.

So sell me being in a relationship - is it worth the bother? What am I missing out on?

@CecilieRose I worked in a bar and he would come in some weekends with his friends. We got chatting and I wasn't interested at first but my friends convinced me to just go on a date with him as he liked me and he seemed really nice. I thought he was TOO nice and it was a turn off for me.
Turns out it's a major turn on for me now but I'd been in such abusive relationships that I wasn't used to nice men. I'd only ever been used to violence and emotional/sexual abuse.

He's honestly my knight in shining tin foil 😁

When you don't want kids and don't have that ticking clock, it makes it even harder to want another relationship.

Yeah, its a similar thing with me. I have kids and co-parent amicably, so there's no desire to create a "family". It was there, but it imploded because of my ex's infidelity. I don't want anymore kids (I'm in my mid-forties), so I honestly wonder sometimes "why bother"? At the end of the day, love, romance and sex are all driven by a biological need to procreate and bring up offspring safely, aren't they?

Sell you a relationship:

It's not about the sex early on or the nights cuddled up on the couch, or going out on the piss or that buzz you feel seeing them in the early weeks. Anyone can be happy with that.

-It's that look in his eyes that says ''don't worry - I've got your back''
-it's when he carries your father to the toilet for 6 months when ''care services'' say your home is too narrow for their lifting equipment.
-It's when you get back from work and he has run a bath for you.
-He will walk 3 miles to the next town in the winter to get you a Fillet o Fish when you have period munchies.
-It's when you have an accident and he nurses you round the clock and forgets to eat.
-It's when you look at his face and feel that deep love for every hair on his head - everything about him.
-It's wherever you go, you know you are safe with this person. You can communicate without speech often - you just look at each other and know what the other is thinking.

@Pascal80

Sell you a relationship:

It's not about the sex early on or the nights cuddled up on the couch, or going out on the piss or that buzz you feel seeing them in the early weeks. Anyone can be happy with that.

-It's that look in his eyes that says ''don't worry - I've got your back''
-it's when he carries your father to the toilet for 6 months when ''care services'' say your home is too narrow for their lifting equipment.
-It's when you get back from work and he has run a bath for you.
-He will walk 3 miles to the next town in the winter to get you a Fillet o Fish when you have period munchies.
-It's when you have an accident and he nurses you round the clock and forgets to eat.
-It's when you look at his face and feel that deep love for every hair on his head - everything about him.
-It's wherever you go, you know you are safe with this person. You can communicate without speech often - you just look at each other and know what the other is thinking.

God I want to know how to find these men. I feel rough today after my covid booster, can barely lift my arm, and my boyfriend can barely be bothered to text me a huggy emoji, let alone offer to come over or ask if I need anything. I'm an independent adult and I don't need his help but it would be bloody nice for him to offer it.

@CecilieRose

Sorry to hear that! He's taking you for granted. Perhaps you are a bit too lovely for him?!

How to find these men:

Stop looking, and they appear in real life (not online).

I met mine going to buy my mother a Mother's Day present one Saturday lunchtime in York. Sober, in the daylight. I wasn't looking at all - had a very happy single life :) Been married 13 years now - not one unhappy day.

Do whatever works for you. Don't be a sheep.

I'm done with relationships in the usual sense. I have my kids now, lived with two women (3 and 10+ years) can't see myself doing that again.

It's separate spaces and places for me from here on out.

If you do have a relationship make sure you have the ability to just walk away. That I think is key and realising that a relationship is dead.

Many people are unhappy IMO because they think the other person is responsible for their happiness, they're beating a dead horse relationship wise or they are just trapped and can't leave.

I’d been single for over 7 years until I decided to join OLD whilst feeling lonely after several glasses of vino in the summer this year. After conversations with many, many pervy weirdos, I got talking to a lovely guy, we met a few weeks later and have been together ever since. We live a fair distance apart, so have to make the effort to see each other, but being with him is just so easy. We spend time together on weekends, have had a few days away and more planned. I love his company; the conversation is good, we’re so at ease, whether we’re cooking dinner, watching tv or out and about and the sex is incredible (coming from someone who, 6 months ago, said I didn’t care if I never had it again!). He’s just slotted into my life and I adore him. OLD is easily the best decision I’ve made this year :)

My Mr has been saying how when we met he no longer felt alone. Yes he had friends, a job, social life etc but he said he felt alone in a crowd. But he met me and even when I wasn't there, especially when I wasn't there, he said something, everything had changed. He no longer felt alone and hasn't since.

I say I am a better person with him than without him. That simple really.

@LittleMo234

Yes *@theworldsastage - When you don't want kids and don't have that ticking clock, it makes it even harder to want another relationship* sums it up exactly.

I do miss the hugs and the company but honestly to let someone into my life again they're going to have to be as awesome as Mooncake's man sounds... until then I'm not sharing my stuff with anyone who doesn't 100% deserve me!

But why would anybody ever try to make themselves want a relationship? It's not a requirement. If you have to try to want it, you're not respecting your current natural instinctive desire to be without it.

@1MillionDollars

I agree with you, separate spaces and finances appear to work for those who have already been there done that (eg marriage/divorce/children) and no desire to merge or do it again.

I've mentioned earlier about 'together living apart' would suit me. During my 'escalation' relationship younger years, I'd met a lot of men who were essentially offering this, but I wanted a definitive 'outcome' of some sort. Now that I've 'done/acquired' some of these things (divorced and have a child) I don't have that drive any longer.

@40somethingJBJ

It's good to hear OLD working out positively! Do you find yourself wanting to 'escalate' the relationship, moving towards cohabitation/children etc or is part of the success the 'distance makes the heart go fonder'?

I’m married and I wouldn’t sell it to you.

Stop looking, and they appear in real life (not online)
I was looking for fun rather than a relationship, so I guess I was only half-looking. But I wasn't not looking. And I met people online I could equally have met in real life; there's not such a clear distinction. Some people on OLD are just there to pass the time, but there are also plenty of people who go online to meet someone in the same way they might go to a pub or do a hobby. Agree that it's absolutely not the only way to meet the man of your dreams, but I wouldn't dismiss it so fast either.

I think if you're wanting nothing more than exclusive, monogamous, committed dating/relationship without progressing it further in to cohabitation marriage or having children territory, it can be a positive add on to your life. Essentially when you're not dependent on it going 'somewhere' ...but this would assume you aren't lacking in experience of it like being married or you want children but haven't had them yet....

Looking for a relationship with a definitive 'outcome' in mind would put a lot of pressure on a relationship I'd imagine and having to be vigilante if it's moving in the right direction.

Met my partner on Plenty of Fish. He’s the most wonderful man I know and we’re expecting our first baby next month. True, you might have to kiss a few frogs first but it’s worth it. Don’t let it put you off. Good luck!

@40somethingJBJ

I’d been single for over 7 years until I decided to join OLD whilst feeling lonely after several glasses of vino in the summer this year. After conversations with many, many pervy weirdos, I got talking to a lovely guy, we met a few weeks later and have been together ever since. We live a fair distance apart, so have to make the effort to see each other, but being with him is just so easy. We spend time together on weekends, have had a few days away and more planned. I love his company; the conversation is good, we’re so at ease, whether we’re cooking dinner, watching tv or out and about and the sex is incredible (coming from someone who, 6 months ago, said I didn’t care if I never had it again!). He’s just slotted into my life and I adore him. OLD is easily the best decision I’ve made this year :)

Which app was that and how old are you?

[quote Musttryharder2021]@1MillionDollars

I agree with you, separate spaces and finances appear to work for those who have already been there done that (eg marriage/divorce/children) and no desire to merge or do it again.

I've mentioned earlier about 'together living apart' would suit me. During my 'escalation' relationship younger years, I'd met a lot of men who were essentially offering this, but I wanted a definitive 'outcome' of some sort. Now that I've 'done/acquired' some of these things (divorced and have a child) I don't have that drive any longer.

@40somethingJBJ

It's good to hear OLD working out positively! Do you find yourself wanting to 'escalate' the relationship, moving towards cohabitation/children etc or is part of the success the 'distance makes the heart go fonder'?[/quote]
We’ve both got children already and we’re in our 40’s so definitely not wanting any more. We’ve decided that we’ll keep our home lives fairly separate whilst the kids are still at home etc as it works well as it is and we don’t want to “blend” families. Who knows what the future holds though, but we’re in no rush to change things at the minute as it’s working well.

POF so just a free one. I wasn’t sure enough that I was actually committed to meeting someone to actually sign up to a paid one We’re both in our 40’s

@Musttryharder2021

Do you have children? Would you be interested in moving in together or living apart' model?

My grown up daughter lives with me and my last relationship was a living apart one, can't believe I'd ever let another man into my life 100% after what my ExH did...

@TheFoundations @1MillionDollars

I don't feel that I should be in a relationship, that's why I'm asking the question. I know all of the reasons not to already, I just wanted to balance the picture with a few positive stories

I say I am a better person with him than without him. That simple really.

That's lovely. I used to feel the same with my H at the beginning (which is why I chose to marry him)

Sadly it didn't last.

But your picture is your picture. Nobody else's opinion of having a relationship makes any difference to your experience, your knowledge of yourself, the nuances of you.

Your picture is your picture. It's right for you; it is your perception; your heart and soul; the voice of your experience. Why do you think it needs 'balancing'? The assumption within that need is that your perception isn't 'right', and that you need to change it. That would be a very dangerous position from which to start a relationship, and it'd be a good idea to look into why you're not going with your natural perceptions here, before making any decisions about whether you want to find a partner.

Thanks everyone for your positive stories, I guess if the right person for me appears in my life I'll want to have a relationship with them, but in the meantime I'm happy being single and am not going to drive myself nuts hunting him down.

I've found OLD to be pretty awful on this attempt, even though it's where I found my last BF, think I'm just too old and cynical for it now!

Why do you think it needs 'balancing'? The assumption within that need is that your perception isn't 'right', and that you need to change it.

Because it's always good to research views other than your own, to make sure your own views are well founded?

@LittleMo234

Why do you think it needs 'balancing'? The assumption within that need is that your perception isn't 'right', and that you need to change it.

Because it's always good to research views other than your own, to make sure your own views are well founded?

Not when it's your views about yourself, your own feelings, your own wants and desires. That's the part of life where the only thing that matters is to listen to your gut, and trust it, regardless of anyone else's opinion or experience. What your feelings are 'founded upon' is what you are. They're founded on your personality, your perception of your experiences.

It's not a debate: you feel what you feel, and as a responsible adult, your job is to accept that, and manage yourself so that you have appropriate, boundaried responses. When you try to change what you feel, you are rejecting the natural part of yourself. It's not necessary, desirable, or healthy. Trust your gut. This week it might tell you you don't want to meet anybody new, next week it might tell you different. Look after that part of you. Respect it, treat it gently. Looking online to source opinions to change your gut feeling isn't good for you.

For what it's worth, I stopped looking, and created such a happy life for myself that I doubted introducing a new partner could be anything but detrimental. And then I met somebody! Focus on making your life happy in ways you really fancy doing right now, rather than wishing you wanted something different from what you do actually want.

No one's perfect...it's about choosing someone who's flaws you can live with because the rest of them is so great. I know I'm not a perfect partner...I moan a lot . Dh isn't perfect either but we are fundamentally suited with the same basic values and even when we are driving each other mad, I'd still do anything for him and vice versa.