Am I being controlled or am I unreasonable?

[villapark72]

Me and my girlfriend attend a weekly event at a local pub one evening a week, with a couple of friends too. Ages ago, much before I was with DP, i had a bit of a fling with a woman who works behind the bar, let’s call her Jane. One of my friends made a joke of it once and DP was present so she knows. DP said it was okay, we all have pasts and it’s fine as long as it’s all over (which it definitely is!).
Anyway fast forward a few weeks and we go to this event. Jane walks past and says hi, and I politely say hi back. DP becomes really upset and I ask her what’s wrong, she says that she’s convinced Jane is “mugging her off” as she keeps staring at her and apparently looked smug. I didn’t notice this but to be fair I wasn’t really looking. DP said she’s felt uncomfortable for a few weeks now. I went to the toilet and DP was texting me, demanding to leave as Jane was hanging around and laughing with people we know, and when I came back, DP stormed outside and was sat on the floor crying.

I of course gave her a hug and said it’s all okay, and she calmed down. Said she’s sorry for being a mess and it’s all okay.
But now she’s brought it up again- demanding we never go again.

I’m at a loss what to do now. I know her ex was awful to her but I’ve been going to this event for so long and it’s important to me and my friends. And she’s asked that we or I never go again, that she can’t cope with it and that’s it. I’ll have to lie to my friends why I’m not going anymore.

I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable but i feel a bit controlled as I did nothing wrong in this situation. The relationship is incredible in all other aspects otherwise. Am I in the wrong here?
Thanks

She sounds insecure and I wouldn't like it. Asking you to lie to your friends is particularly manipulative. And yes, it is controlling if Jane and you are well over and nothing inappropriate has happened. She'll convince you it is inappropriate and that's why she doesn't want you to ask your friends.

To me, this would be a very big red flag.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong; she’s being ridiculous. Tell her you’re going anyway

I forgot to mention that I book the event through her as it’s easier - but it’s a simple “we are attending, thanks” and nothing else

You're not in the wrong here OP. You need to be kind and sensitive (it sounds like you have been) about it as she's clearly finding this really difficult, so keep reassuring her etc, but don't give up going to the event. Your DP needs to work on her jealousy.

DP is now saying I can still go if I want, but she simply can’t do it and won’t do it no questions asked - but it meant a lot to me her coming with me. I even offered to make sure we always sit away from the bar where we can’t see her

Do you hang out with her friends too?

Yeah so it’s actually 2 of her friends that come now too (who are also my friends of course) so guess she will have to explain to them

@villapark72

DP is now saying I can still go if I want, but she simply can’t do it and won’t do it no questions asked - but it meant a lot to me her coming with me. I even offered to make sure we always sit away from the bar where we can’t see her

She can’t stop you going. But, likewise, you can’t insist she attends if she doesn’t want to.

She sounds immature and controlling. How old is she? From this OP I would guess 22 max

I just feel so down about it as she’s flat out refusing, and says she can’t cope with it. I haven’t done anything wrong I feel

She is 23

And I take it you are older? This sounds like it is too much

I’m 24. I feel like I’ve done something wrong as we’ve never had any jealousy issues before, it’s all been plain sailing for over a year

She sounds an immature twit and drama queen. I would dump.

No, you haven’t done anything wrong except that you are taking her issue and her choice not to attend as a personal attack. Like I said - she can’t tell you not to go, but you don’t get to tell her she has to.

You've done nothing wrong at all. She must be either incredibly insecure, or incredibly controlling. Whichever, she sounds immature and hard work.

If she doesn't want to go, that's her choice. I suspect she will just use that against you even more ('you choose to go and see her rather than spend time with me').

I urge you to keep going, and don't be controlled by this unreasonable behaviour. If you give in to it, she will get worse. Before long you'll find you're avoiding certain places / people just to keep the peace.

This issue is in her head, and it isn't of your making.

Shes just doing that whole screwed up early 20s drunk crying in the street because youre insecure and need your boyfriend to PROVE HIS LOVE to you thing.

Tell her she is being ridiculous and controlling and you will be going to the pub and if she doesnt like it maybe you just arent suited.

You haven't done anything wrong but your dp isn't enjoying it so she is doing the right thing not going. And not trying to stop you going suggests she knows it is her issue.

How long ago were you actually snagging her and is she the type of person to be stirring up trouble? What has happened that your girlfriend has suddenly started to find this is an issue?

I think if you stay calm and say that you will keep going and she's welcome to join in again as soon as she feels up to it, she'll soon come around.

This fling didn’t even last long and ended about 2 years ago, roughly 8 months or so before me and DP got together. She didn’t like the fact I was booking through her but it was easier and there was no conversation between us

Thanks everyone for the replies, appreciate the insight

She's jealous and being controlling. You should continue to go. If she gets angry each time you go, then you'll have to end it. You cannot spend your life with someone controlling because it will never end, and you'll never be happy.

She is jealous and insecure. Theoretically, her decision to stay home and you to go is a good option but I suspect that you will be feeling guilty and uncomfortable the entire time. You may also be bombarded with texts seeking reassurance while you're there. You will probably be quizzed on your return. I also foresee you being "caught out" eg where you'll say you didn't talk to jane and then two days later, you'll say something like "yeah, Jane and Sarah had a lot of fun with that" and she'll scream, "GOTCHA - you ARE hanging out with her!!" and you'll be bemused because actually you heard the two of them cackling from the other side of the room.

So unless she deals with her issues, you have a problem.

I just feel so down about it as she’s flat out refusing

There’s no reason for you to feel let down at all. She doesn’t have to accompany you everywhere you go especially if she feels uncomfortable.She’s been telling you she feels uncomfortable for several weeks and now she doesn’t want to go anymore.

Just go with your friends.

And some women do glare and smirk in these circumstances.

I couldn't deal with this level of jealousy or immaturity in a partner. It doesn't usually end here either. It'll be telling you that you can't go next. Then it'll be telling you that you can't have female friends. Then it'll be telling you that you can't talk to other women.

Men I've dated who were funny about my previous partners or flings got dumped instantly, hot potato style, no further information needed - a red line I've never regretted.