Condescending / being a dick/ something else ?

[actionsounds]

I've seen a new trait in my partner of 18 months.
Lately, and he has had many changes in his life lately so I want to put that in for context, he can be a little condescending ... over explaining, an expert on topics that he's not an expert on, dismissing my stories with an abrupt change of subject,having had a laugh about something and slagging him off , he will say .. yeah we've been through that before and basically calmly belittle my humour or comments.
I don't like this.
I find it condescending and the absolute opposite of respect and the exact opposite to f the man that I know so well by now, and love.
What's going on and how do I deal with this dickish behaviour.
It's so out of character!
I'm beginning to feel uneasy in myself and watching what I say.

And have you asked him that @actionsounds? And picked him up on the condescending stuff?

“That felt pretty condescending… are you annoyed about something?”
“Your reaction felt belittling to me… is that what you intended?”

One person’s ‘banter’ is another’s belittling. Sounds like you need to have a frank discussion.

If your relationship has always had the element of 'banter' and he's suddenly different then yes, it may be that his mask is slipping. The question is why you felt you needed to post and ask a group of strangers about it?

I did the same not too long ago because my ex's behaviour (I did break up with him as a result of MN's resounding support of what I knew already) was so confusing. I had started to move to the confused/upset stage though, whereas you still seem to be in the confused/bemused/irritated stage.

If you don't tell him it's bothering you though, how will you know whether he's capable of changing or not?

What worries me the most in your OP though is that you say you're starting to feel uneasy and watching what you say. That's never a good sign, regardless of what he is or isn't doing.

He can be sensitive for sure
If he's hurt by your comments, then he's not enjoying it: it's not banter. Sounds quite possible that he's being disrespectful to you because you're being disrespectful to him, even if you see it as harmless jokes.

you say you're starting to feel uneasy and watching what you say. That's never a good sign, regardless of what he is or isn't doing
Agree with this - if you like teasing and poking fun, and he doesn't, then you'd have to constantly police your behaviour to make sure you were not acting the way that comes naturally to you. Find someone who insults you right back in a jokey way too; where you're both enjoying it.

@actionsounds

By slagging off I mean trading in a jokey way

With all due respect, that would irritate the shit out of me, and I suggest that you stop doing it.

Some people can't take a joke. But that is often because they really don't find the other person's 'joke' or 'banter' (or whatever you call it) funny. They are offended by it. I suspect that what's going on is that you are 'trading in a jokey way' and he is responding in kind, and you don't like being beaten at your own game.

(trading = trading insults?)

Thanks for all the opinions. I think that stopping him in his tracks and asking him if he meant to be so condescending: rude: arrogant: patronising ... add as needed.. us the way forward for today.
I find him being defensive so if I was messing and said you're hardly wearing
That about a top that I know he would never wear but was trying to get a rise out of me by saying he would,initially , he would very abruptly say.. I'll wear what I want . Even though it would all have started as a bit of fun.

It sounds like a pretty unhealthy dynamic, tbh.

So he'll be playing along with you, then suddenly switch from acting like it's fun, to acting like it's not fun? That does sound like him being the dick rather than you, but it still also sounds like in reality, he doesn't like your joshing - never really has, but has tolerated it better so far?
You say things have been going on in his life; are they the kind of thing that would make someone reflect on what they want from life - e.g. someone has died, and he might be thinking about how his own life is short, and thus who he really wants in it, how genuine he should be with people?

Maybe your banter is wearing thin?

Give an example of what you mean by slagging off, please @actionsounds

Ok
He was meeting some of my old friends for the first time and was joking that he was going to wear certain clothes( normally reserved for hanging around the house or cleaning)
It was a bit of fun
I said to him jokingly.... you wouldn't disgrace me like that would you ?
He laughs as do I.
We carry on with the banter and then suddenly and solemnly, he said I'll be wearing < insert normal clothes> but in a really serious tone.
Joke's over .
I'm unsettled.
That's an example.

That's defintely not slagging off and it does sound a bit off.

That is weird. If he’s usually ok I would see how it goes over the next few weeks and try and see if there is anything else going on.

Every time he does it pull him up and ask why he’s doing it.

Pull the plug if it doesn’t stop.

It's so hard to explain while typing.
I hope it makes sense.
I feel like he has to have the last word and wants to ensure that he cuts the conversation off abruptly.

Look up negging

@actionsounds

It's so hard to explain while typing. I hope it makes sense. I feel like he has to have the last word and wants to ensure that he cuts the conversation off abruptly.

I managed to get the gist of it from your last message. It makes sense now.

It would make me really uncomfortable. It does sound like the mask is slipping.

Do many of you think it's negging?

I've read up on it and it doesn't fit the bill.

In fact it's me that could be accused of negging if these examples are anything g to go by.
Maybe I'm being too abrupt. I can be very straight and harsh at times without meaning to offend

It seems like straightforward passive aggression and there could be any number of reasons for that. How are you going to raise it with him?

I am going to use sentences like ...

That's was rude !!! Everything ok?

I find you condescending a bit lately ... it's irritating me and the opposite to respect. Why did you say that?

You seem to have an opinion n X , yet you haven't lived the experience so until you do , I'd appreciate it if you let me work it out myself eg parenting/ career

Can I ask why you feel so confident giving your opinion on x , can I ask what it's based on ?

If you need to say something specific to me, could you do just that please . I can't decode your passive aggressive tone and meaning .

It sounds a bit more to me like he thinks you take the joke too far and his becoming serious is his way of shutting it down.

In the example you give, it's all about clothes, but then did he feel you got too personal with the suggestion of him disgracing you? If i was nervous about meeting my partners friends for the first time, I wouldn't appreciate that tbh. Was his joking about clothes really him asking for reassurance that your friends would like him for him anyway? If so, he does sound a bit over sensitive, but would mean he isn't an arse

I wonder if you "banter" for too long? Like, it's worn thin and he's fed up but you keep going?

Hard to know.

But it sounds like you're both irritating each other.

Actually it sounds kind of annoying, I would find this sort of interaction very tedious. There are so many ways to be funny that don't involve humiliation.

The mansplaining however, that's just straight up twattishness.

On the whole it sounds as though you're irritating each other.

It might be salvageable if you both want to improve the dynamic, to find a more mature way to communicate.

@MooncakeandAvocato

He’s probably been putting his best face on and it’s slipping. 18 months sounds about right for the cracks to start to show.

It doesn’t matter what it is. It’s unpleasant and you don’t like it, so don’t tolerate it. Point out that you consider his behaviour problematic and give him a few weeks to address it. If he fails to do so, LTB.

👏

First out of the traps and bang on the money.

OP, you are uneasy because your GUT recognises that he is showing you who he is.

Pay attention.

This is the real him.

Move on, he is not a nice man.

Do not accept this behaviour.
He sounds awful.

He will grind you down and leave you a shadow of your former self.