Stag do

[Daisy195]

DP has been invited to his friends stag do in February. It’s 3 nights in Cornwall. We have 2 young children and we aren’t exactly rolling in money. We live in Manchester so we are a long way away from Cornwall. Since having both DC, we have never been on holiday as a family as money has been tight and whenever I suggest saving up to go somewhere, even if it’s just somewhere in the UK, he always brings up our money situation and says we can’t afford to yet. And to top it off it’s DS’s birthday on the day he’s meant to go. His friend has said he needs definite numbers by tonight. Would I be out of order to have a talk with him later about it, or should I just suck it up?

If he feels you can’t afford a family holiday then surely he feels you can’t afford the stag do. Yes I think a conversation is in order.

Depends really, what's good for the goose I think applies here. So if the cash is found for him to go away, I think you should get to go away with a friend or 2 of yours. You don't say how young your DC are or if you work - all relevant to the situation. If you don't work, maybe you could change that so you'd increase your income.

@Opentooffers One is 5 and the other is 8 months. Not working yet but I have an interview next week

Nope - family holiday takes priority, if you can't afford that then he can't afford a 3 day Cornwall booze up.
If suddenly there is funds for both, then book a cancellable cottage tonight as a line in the sand. It can be changed but you need to be very clear about what priorities should be.

@Daisy195

We are similar
On paper earn a reasonable amount but out outgoings are high and we've cut right back;
If he can't afford for you to go away as a family but can justify this - that would say to me he has his priorities wrong - not to mention missing his own child's birthday
This would be a big red flag 🚩 for me

Good luck with your interview I hope your successful x

The cost of the stag do will be £££. You can't afford it. Cornwall in February doesn't strike me as fun

I'd probably say that he can go but in doing so is agreeing a family holiday is possible and that it's going to happen and give a date. I'd understand if you'd say no to the stag do though. I'd be happy to get rid of him for a few days, lol

@MajorNeville

I'd probably say that he can go but in doing so is agreeing a family holiday is possible and that it's going to happen and give a date. I'd understand if you'd say no to the stag do though. I'd be happy to get rid of him for a few days, lol

Same for me

I guess a few nights away for one person is different cost-wise to a family going away, but I would argue that the money he would spend could be put away towards a holiday for all of you.

I hate hen do's and stag do's anyway so I am probably biased.

Is he proposing to do overtime, or sell something to make the cash he'll need?

It's such a frivolous spend, I'm not sure how that can be justified in the circumstances you've mentioned. That's a lot of money to spend on going out and getting drunk, which could be done for one night and locally, for a fraction of the price. Not to mention could be better spent on the kids or a family getaway.

I'd make it clear that I don't object to the stag do, but I'd be very resentful of spending that kind of money when you don't have the disposable income to justify it and the kids/family is going without.

@Evenmorefuriousvexation No, he said he’s going to save up. He doesn’t think it will cost that much as they are planning to fly and his friend has said it’s not a lot of money for the flights. But I have heard Cornwall is meant to be quite expensive

You need a family plan, it could do him good to get away, the same as it would do you good to get away, probably when the 5mo is a bit more independent from you. Can you discuss 3 things, you both having a separate break then a family get away next summer when baby will be a year old? Break it down into costs, the trouble with a stag do is it will be expensive probably lots of drinking which may not be your idea of fin but it may be his

[quote Daisy195]@Evenmorefuriousvexation No, he said he’s going to save up. He doesn’t think it will cost that much as they are planning to fly and his friend has said it’s not a lot of money for the flights. But I have heard Cornwall is meant to be quite expensive[/quote]
With flights, accommodation, food, drink and potential activities probably anywhere between £500-1000

On your child's birthday

When you haven't had a family holiday

Is he serious?

How's he going to save up when there's no family savings pot ?
So even if flights are £50, then there's getting to their location, hotel or cottage hire plus a lot of money for drinking. I'd say you're looking at a minimum of £300 or more realistically £400-500.

But of course it's hard to say no. Ask him where he intends to save money from and how a family holiday would be paid for. If he is insistent on going I'd say fine but I'd tell him that I'd think differently about him if you didn't also manage a family holiday in 2022 - doesn't need to be fancy.

Oh and he goes away with what he has saved, no credit cards or joint debit cards, easy to overspend when out with mates.

He also spends a lot of money gambling. At least £30-£40 every week. If not more. Then when he wins he gambles it in order to win more. The other day for example he won £40, gambled it all, then ended up with nothing

So that's £40 a week you could be saving towards a holiday? £160 a month?

He would be gone if I were you op. It is literally throwing away your family money and your kids are missing out on things as a result.

He could maybe knock his gambling on the head for a few weeks and put that money aside?

So, what you’re saying is that this man has a gambling problem, despite money being tight. The stag do is a red herring and you’ve made a post about the wrong thing.

Dont say he can't go. You need to see how much it will cost and then work out priorities.

Savings for rainy day DIY type stuff like new boiler on the list

Savings for family holiday on the list

One person thee day break bottom of list.

So he can save up for a 3 day piss up (which WILL be alot of money by the way when you factor in 3 days of drinking, plus flights, plus hotels, plus whatever 'activities' they decide to partake in.). But he can't save up for a family holiday?
What a dick.
You've not had a family holiday EVER. because money is tight.
Sorry but this is making me so angry on your behalf.
And add in the gambling!
He sounds like a self centered prick. Its all about him. You have little family money but he has enough to gamble 30-40 a week?
And can suddenly save up for a 3 day piss up, but not for a family holiday.
Jesus. Seems his priorities are somewhat out of whack here OP.

Jeez OP aside from the gambling and not wanting to go on holiday with his own family, he must be some sort of prince for you to stay with him.

Get your own job and keep your finances separate. I hate gambling, even if his plan is to not gamble and save the money for his own stupid trip, odds are he'll take all of it and see if he can get a bit more through gambling and likely use it all.

Cornwall in February will be damp, miserable and quiet. I know, I live there. It's certainly not somewhere I'd consider as a stag do destination, unless they've got specific reasons for it.

Accommodation will be cheap though. And if a large group are staying in self catering, his share of the cost might be quite small. But going out could be far more expensive than the accommodation. So it really depends what they've got planned - if it's mostly coastal walks/hiking and beers from the supermarket then it may be cheap. If they spend the whole time on pubs crawls and dining out, that'll get expensive.

Ask him what his budget is for it, what they've got planned. Not all stag do's are debauched alcoholic mayhem, it depends on the blokes involved. You'll probably know if him and his mates are the sort for 'sensible' weekend away, with a round of golf and some sightseeing, or whether it'll be liver pounding, wall to wall boozing.

Bear in mind that the budget won't be determined by him, he'll have relatively little say in what he ends up shelling out for. So if he gives you a figure that sounds too cheap, double it! And as he sounds like he's not great with money, restrict his access to cash, and credit cards if he goes.

Similarly, a family holiday can be as cheap or expensive as you make it. So no excuse for never doing something, even if it's going camping somewhere not far from home.

Gambling away £40 a week (that you know of) is not appropriate for someone with a young family who's pleading poverty.

My partner went on a stag do in July in Cornwall and spent £400, we don't live far away and he's 50 so not masses of drinking, so factor in more for flights and more booze

I think in this situation you can absolutely say to him he can't go. I know they'll be lots of people saying you can't tell him what to do, but in this instance I think you can.
he is saying to you he'd rather have a 3 day piss up than a holiday with his family. And he'd rather gamble than a holiday with his family.
I think you need to say no, he can't spend family money on that. Especially given the points above.

You are not working at the moment because you have had his children. one of which is having a birthday when the stag do is. So funds simply are not there. It isn't HIS money, its family money.

What will actually happen though if you say No he can't go because XYZ. Will he just go anyway or is he a decent enough person to actually see your point?