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Original poster

Need clarity on this one please

38 replies

RosieTheHat · 10/11/2021 09:30

Posting this because I still can't get my head around it and needed a bit of clarity.
Back story - been in an on/off long distance relationship for 5 years.
Partner and my daughter (late teens) don't see eye to eye on politics among other topics. This has caused tension in the past.
We had previously broken up as he was upset whilst I was going through divorce. We got back together early this year.

He was staying at mine for the week and my daughter was also home from university. Both had agreed to try and get on and avoid certain 'hot' topics.
My daughter was discussing her friend with me and mentioned that she was left wing. At this he piped up and started going on about BLM. My daughter didn't engage and went to bed.
The next morning, my daughter was upset and mentioned to me. My partner was also a bit off. I mentioned the atmosphere and then it all kicked off. My partner was shouting at my daughter that she was a snowflake and had to wake up. My daughter was crying and my partner said that he should only visit when she wasn't around. He called her a fucking idiot and told me he was going home. He packed his things and despite my trying to speak to him, got in the car and left.
I tried to contact him, but my calls and texts were ignored. I eventually got a text telling me that he was home and that I had lied to him by saying my daughter had grown up.
Since then, nothing - he ignores any attempts I make to contact him.

Not to dripfeed, but he has form for this - he previously walked out over a stupid argument twice before.

My question is - am I in the wrong here. I know that there was an agreement not to speak about certain things, but my the discussion was between my daughter and me and it was just a passing comment.

My ex partner has shown himself to be a bloody racist. Why do I feel guilty in all this?

OP posts:
Eltonsglasses · 10/11/2021 09:32

My partner was shouting at my daughter that she was a snowflake and had to wake up.

Not to dripfeed, but he has form for this - he previously walked out over a stupid argument twice before.

I think your answer is quite obvious. What on earth do you find attractive about this behaviour?

rumred · 10/11/2021 09:32

The rubbish took itself out, be glad he's gone.
And support your daughter, he's the fuckwit not her

Shoxfordian · 10/11/2021 09:35

Don’t call him again; he’s a knob

Hawtain86 · 10/11/2021 09:36

Hows this relationship going to work if he doesn't get on with your daughter? He sounds impossible to communicate with if he just runs away every time things gets heated. Is he really worth the trouble?

Triffid1 · 10/11/2021 09:39

Let me clarify things:

  1. Your "D"P is so conservative and incendiary, that he is incapable of having a normal conversation with a teenager about political issues of the day without immediately going to the screaming phase?
  2. Your daughter has a friend who is "left wing" and that is a trigger for him to start screaming and yelling? (I didn't miss something where your daughter said something about her friend wanting all white people to be shot or something?)
  3. He is so racist that the very existence of the BLM movement sends him into a rage?
  4. He swore at your daughter, called her names, refused to back down when she was crying? And this all happened in the blink of an eye?
  5. He dumped you because you were going through a divorce?

Why would you even want to be with such a person. Delete his number or, even better, block it, and move on with your life. Before you lose your daughter forever.

girlmom21 · 10/11/2021 09:41

I hope he packed all of his belongings when he went? Absolute prick.

He's a racist who's happy to abuse your daughter.

Block him.

VelvetRope212 · 10/11/2021 09:42

am I in the wrong here?

No.

lastqueenofscotland · 10/11/2021 09:42

I would rather literally never have any romantic connection with anyone ever again than date a racist, let alone potentially lose a relationship with my daughter over dating a racist.
You’d be well rid.

VelvetRope212 · 10/11/2021 09:42

We had previously broken up as he was upset whilst I was going through divorce

Also, what?

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 10/11/2021 09:43

That particular comment accusing you of lying is especially unpleasant. I don't know whether he usually says things like that, but you do say LDR so he could be hiding his ugly side.

I wouldn't accept him speaking to or about my daughter though. I'd be seriously considering ending things. He's already stormed off.

Original poster
RosieTheHat · 10/11/2021 09:44

Thank you all. I really needed to hear this.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 10/11/2021 09:45

I think you are very much in the wrong here by continuing a relationship with that absolute wanker.

If you want clarity, just look at the damage he did while staying in your house. Don’t waste another second of your life even thinking about him. Good luck.

category12 · 10/11/2021 09:52

My partner was shouting at my daughter that she was a snowflake and had to wake up. My daughter was crying and my partner said that he should only visit when she wasn't around. He called her a fucking idiot and told me he was going home.

I have no idea why you tried to talk to him after this. Why would you?

I think you should apologise to your dd for not telling him to go rather then it being him storming off.

Shockingggg · 10/11/2021 09:58

@Triffid1

Let me clarify things:
  1. Your "D"P is so conservative and incendiary, that he is incapable of having a normal conversation with a teenager about political issues of the day without immediately going to the screaming phase?
  2. Your daughter has a friend who is "left wing" and that is a trigger for him to start screaming and yelling? (I didn't miss something where your daughter said something about her friend wanting all white people to be shot or something?)
  3. He is so racist that the very existence of the BLM movement sends him into a rage?
  4. He swore at your daughter, called her names, refused to back down when she was crying? And this all happened in the blink of an eye?
  5. He dumped you because you were going through a divorce?

Why would you even want to be with such a person. Delete his number or, even better, block it, and move on with your life. Before you lose your daughter forever.

This!!!! Your poor daughter! Why are you sat on the fence?!! He sounds like a total racist arse.
GreyCarpet · 10/11/2021 10:05

The only thing you've done 'wrong' is chasing him to try and placate him.

He's horrible.

supremelybaffled · 10/11/2021 10:09

am I in the wrong here

The only thing you are doing wrong is to continue to have a relationship with an arsehole who abuses your daughter in front of you.

He's gone. Good. Tell him not to come back.

Original poster
RosieTheHat · 10/11/2021 10:14

Thank you all for your comments, it has been the wake up call I needed.
I have history of being a people pleaser and generally avoid conflict.
Please don't think that I don't stick up for my daughter. I have told her that he is no longer welcome and that I don't want any more to do with him. I actually think she was much more of an adult here than him.
I just needed to know that I was right.

OP posts:
Shockingggg · 10/11/2021 10:16

Ok well done OP. Moving forward, seek some therapy to understand and overcome the root of your people pleasing as it will only keep putting you and your daughter in unsafe situations.

Original poster
RosieTheHat · 10/11/2021 10:19

@shockingggg yes, I have thought about this a lot. My marriage was abusive, so I think this has a lot to do with it.
My daughter is smart, kind and I am so proud of her.

OP posts:
hyperbyke · 10/11/2021 10:19

Sounds like a right wanker.

category12 · 10/11/2021 10:27

Please don't think that I don't stick up for my daughter. I have told her that he is no longer welcome and that I don't want any more to do with him.

After you went chasing after him and kept being ignored. Hmm

Original poster
RosieTheHat · 10/11/2021 10:43

@category12 She is 19, lives away from home, due to university and is very strong minded. She doesn't like me interfering in her arguments.

OP posts:
supremelybaffled · 10/11/2021 11:10

She doesn't like me interfering in her arguments

Trust me, she'll like it when you tell her you've given him his marching orders. Grin

AnkleDeep · 10/11/2021 11:14

Be glad he's gone.

Bluebells34 · 10/11/2021 11:17

He has no respect for you or your daughter. Everyone should have the freedom to air their opinions - he behaved like a child and was very offesnsive in your home - your space and to your daughter.
Get rid other wise your poor daughter wont want to come back from University - enjoy seeing your daughter and specding time with her