Need clarity on this one please

[RosieTheHat]

Posting this because I still can't get my head around it and needed a bit of clarity.
Back story - been in an on/off long distance relationship for 5 years.
Partner and my daughter (late teens) don't see eye to eye on politics among other topics. This has caused tension in the past.
We had previously broken up as he was upset whilst I was going through divorce. We got back together early this year.

He was staying at mine for the week and my daughter was also home from university. Both had agreed to try and get on and avoid certain 'hot' topics.
My daughter was discussing her friend with me and mentioned that she was left wing. At this he piped up and started going on about BLM. My daughter didn't engage and went to bed.
The next morning, my daughter was upset and mentioned to me. My partner was also a bit off. I mentioned the atmosphere and then it all kicked off. My partner was shouting at my daughter that she was a snowflake and had to wake up. My daughter was crying and my partner said that he should only visit when she wasn't around. He called her a fucking idiot and told me he was going home. He packed his things and despite my trying to speak to him, got in the car and left.
I tried to contact him, but my calls and texts were ignored. I eventually got a text telling me that he was home and that I had lied to him by saying my daughter had grown up.
Since then, nothing - he ignores any attempts I make to contact him.

Not to dripfeed, but he has form for this - he previously walked out over a stupid argument twice before.

My question is - am I in the wrong here. I know that there was an agreement not to speak about certain things, but my the discussion was between my daughter and me and it was just a passing comment.

My ex partner has shown himself to be a bloody racist. Why do I feel guilty in all this?

Insulting my children is a red line to me. Him calling her a snowflake and fucking idiot for having a different political opinion is unacceptable. He needs to accept that other people's opinions differ to him and agree to disagree.
You know you are right. You are setting her a great example about boundaries. He can't behave like that.
Well done

Why would you even want to be with this racist pig? Stick with your daughter and ditch this idiotic man.

The only thing I would like to add is that this is still your daughter's home where she should feel safe and happy and him being there has negated that

[quote RosieTheHat]@category12 She is 19, lives away from home, due to university and is very strong minded. She doesn't like me interfering in her arguments.[/quote]
Not the point I was making.

He behaved incredibly badly towards your daughter, yet after he stormed out, you went chasing after him, kept trying to get in touch - what on earth for?

Anyone who behaved like that in my house, to my daughter, would be fucking gone so fast his head would spin.

You can change your partner but not your daughter. If you stay with him you will always be piggy in the middle.
Move on and find someone who's compatible or at least amenable to both your views and your daughters views on the world.
His walking out in a huff strikes me as very childish behaviour.

Why the fuck would you want to be with someone who speaks to your child like that? Doesn’t matter that she’s an adult. Why did you chase after him? I’d have been throwing his shit out the door.

I am no longer with him. The reason I wanted to speak to him was to ask why he behaved the way he did.

I was posting purely to be told that I was right and to give my head a shake.

He is no longer welcome anywhere near me or my daughter.
Thank you all for giving me the kick up the arse I needed.

@RosieTheHat no problem It’s exactly how I’d react if a friend told me what you wrote. Horrified + anger = arse kick!

I'm sorry your marriage was abusive OP. From experience I doubt that's the root cause of your people pleasing and I suspect it stems from long before that. Abusers always sniff out people pleasers.

@BurntTheFuckOut Thanks. First time I have appreciated an arse kick

@Shockingggg You are so right. I have to work on being less of a pushover.

No point blaming yourself though. These men are arseholes. But working with a professional to learn about and understand your past behaviours will really help you break that pattern.

Glad you've ditched him OP. Nothing is worth losing your child over. If anyone else finds themselves in a similar position, write down two lists, one, a list of things he's puposefully done to make you and your loved ones feel good. Two, a list of things he's purposefully done to make you all feel bad. If the second list has a single entry on it, time to start planning to LTB.