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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coward Husband

36 replies

Yorkshirelass1997 · 09/11/2021 19:55

Hi, I'm quite angry right now and really could do with a pep talk or just to hear i am not alone. My husband is a bit of a coward. He never stood up for me in the past against friends or family even though he admitted that i was treated unfairly. We are having building work going on and a truck delivering goods went over the grass verge of our neighbour opposite. Yes, its taken a corner out of the verge (which isnt actually his by law but thats by the by). Neighbour came over demanding we sort it. Ok fine i get that but what annoyed me was that when our neighbour had building work done a few years back, the same happened to us but we didnt complain tot hem and just dealt with it ourselves. Hubby totally bent over when the neighbour was demanding and being quite rude about it all and it's totally made me angry that hubby didnt have more of a backbone!

Sorry, i know this may sound trivial.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 09/11/2021 19:57

Why didn't you also have a back bone and stand up for yourself? Don't be so hard on your husband if you can't do the same

cansu · 09/11/2021 19:58

If he doesn't own the grass verge then he has no business asking for it to be repaired. Are you talking about a patch of grass??

Original poster
Yorkshirelass1997 · 09/11/2021 20:00

@cansu

If he doesn't own the grass verge then he has no business asking for it to be repaired. Are you talking about a patch of grass??
Yes so the verge in front of his boundary which he manicures etc. Its not in his deeds, same for us with our verge.
OP posts:
Original poster
Yorkshirelass1997 · 09/11/2021 20:01

@Cas112

Why didn't you also have a back bone and stand up for yourself? Don't be so hard on your husband if you can't do the same
Oh wow, wasn't expecting such a harsh comment but i suppose i have opened myself up to it. I wasn't there when the neighbour spoke to my husband. And for the record, i have absolutely no issue sticking up for myself or people i care about.
OP posts:
Bellyups · 09/11/2021 20:01

Tell the neighbour to get stuffed. And yes, your husband sounds like a yes man

Yogibearbum · 09/11/2021 20:02

Sometimes it it better to deal with a problem by being diplomatic. I think calling him a coward is a bit harsh. Two men arguing with each other can lead to fights which is never a good look outside your home.

Original poster
Yorkshirelass1997 · 09/11/2021 20:04

@Yogibearbum

Sometimes it it better to deal with a problem by being diplomatic. I think calling him a coward is a bit harsh. Two men arguing with each other can lead to fights which is never a good look outside your home.
I certainly don't want arguing as such. My point was, my husband just seems to constantly bend over for everyone even if that person is in the wrong and it's draining.
OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 09/11/2021 20:04

Some people are good at confrontation and some are not. I'm amazing at confrontation (I had excellent training as a child) my dh is crap. He's not a coward as such he just can't think on his feet in an argument (if we ever have something to resolve as a couple I have to tell him my position and then go away and give him time to think about his response) . Luckily we're a team and one of us is good at it. Sounds like your problem is that you are both shrinking away from it. It is frustrating being on a team when a key life skill isn't held by anyone on the team it will crop up time and again and be a source of irritation.

Evesgarden · 09/11/2021 20:05

@Cas112

Why didn't you also have a back bone and stand up for yourself? Don't be so hard on your husband if you can't do the same
It may really really shock you to find out but some women feel intimidated by angry aggressive men. Crazy eh?
vincettenoir · 09/11/2021 20:05

Your neighbour sounds like they have a short fuse. But I think you are doing that classic thing that a lot of us do from time to time - taking your anger out on the wrong person. Don’t bring up historic wrongdoings from the past to make this your husband’s fault. Anyone could do that. But it’s best not too as it will be a long and difficult life for both of you.

TopCatsTopHat · 09/11/2021 20:05

Sorry op, cross post.

Evesgarden · 09/11/2021 20:07

OP he sounds like he avoids conflict at all costs, even if it pays you in a vulnerable position.

In this situation I would be annoyed too.

And I wouldn't be paying for his little corner of grass to be fixed either - your neighbour sounds like bully

Cas112 · 09/11/2021 20:08

And maybe some men don't? I just think it's harsh to call him a coward that's all and say he's got no back bone. Maybe he doesn't like confrontation? Like some women also don't. Works both ways

Cas112 · 09/11/2021 20:10

@Cas112

And maybe some men don't? I just think it's harsh to call him a coward that's all and say he's got no back bone. Maybe he doesn't like confrontation? Like some women also don't. Works both ways
And maybe some men do as well this was also meant to say
Monalotmoore · 09/11/2021 20:11

Unless there's a massive back story, on the strength of this it does seem you are being a little hard on your husband. Is there really anything so bad about not wanting to get dragged into a slanging match all your neighbours will hear? Dignity tends to work a lot better.

nocnoc · 09/11/2021 20:12

Go and confront the neighbour and tell him to bog off and that you won’t be sorting it and not to knock on your door again

HeddaGarbled · 09/11/2021 20:15

It may really really shock you to find out but some women feel intimidated by angry aggressive men. Crazy eh?

Are men not allowed to feel the same?

Munchkinpumpkin · 09/11/2021 20:16

Mine can be like that sometimes, but i quite admire that about him as im quite hot headed. He is cool, calm and rational when people are mad and he always comes off looking better.. maybe the neighbour feels quite foolish now he is calm

tootiredtospeak · 09/11/2021 20:18

So you go round and see the neighbour and tell him you wont be replacing it. It's really unfair to call him a coward. This is something my DP struggles with and his no coward. He is just a yes man is very conscious of how he behaves and what he does and how that can impact others, he hates upsetting people or confrontation. I would take that anyday over someone who doesn't care about other. I appreciate at times it can be frustrating if that's not how you would choose to deal with something but then as in this case you go deal with it differently.

PurpleOkapi · 09/11/2021 20:27

You're an adult who can stand up for yourself. It's not your husband's job to do it for you, or to handle conflicts not involving you in the way you believe is best. Just because you chose not to complain to the neighbour when something similar happened a few years ago doesn't mean the neighbour is wrong to complain to you now, nor does it mean your husband was wrong for agreeing to fix it. If all he's doing is fixing the neighbour's grass, this really doesn't concern you in the slightest.

WonderfulYou · 09/11/2021 20:46

I think it’s good he’s not the type to get into arguments all of the time and considering you have to live next to this neighbour then it’s best he doesn’t fall out with him.
However this would annoy me if it’s happening regularly and he should have told the neighbour to sort it out with the delivery driver as it’s actually nothing to do with him.

LizzieSiddal · 09/11/2021 20:47

It may really really shock you to find out but some women feel intimidated by angry aggressive men. Crazy eh?

As do most men! My Dh is 6ft 2 and built like a rugby player. He absolutely hates confrontation with angry men as they assume he likes a fight, whereas he’s never hit anyone in his life. My dh would react exactly the same as yours OP. It was your builder who made the mess, it’s up to you to put it right.

WatieKatie · 09/11/2021 21:43

On the grass verge saga, I think you are being unfair on DH OP. Sorry.

Sundancerintherain · 09/11/2021 21:53

So your DH is confrontation avoident. Meh, so am I at times & so is DH at times.

EarthSight · 09/11/2021 21:58

My point was, my husband just seems to constantly bend over for everyone even if that person is in the wrong and it's draining

How is he with you? Either this was part of the appeal when you first met him (if you're quite dominant by nature), or, he is constantly prioritising everyone else above you because what they think of him is far more important than what you think.

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