Alcohol destroying my relationship

[Aimz1988]

Hello everyone. I'm just wondering if anyone is going through what I am at the moment and what your doing to help yourself and your relationship with your partner. I'm a daily drinker , I have cut down alot to what I was , I can take it or leave but I like to have a drink. I'm currently under mankind for the help of lowering my drinking. I lost my dad begging of the year and I struggle daily with my 3 children and I'm on depression and anxiety medication. But my drinking is destroying my relationship with my partner. He as even and support through out to be honest I'm suprised hes stuck around. I've start maybe once a week now while the kids are away at there dads at weekends, drinking more and more till I'm paralytic. And I turn into a nasty peace of work towards my partner who doesn't deserved it. I have no idea why I get like this . He says i just give him verbal abuse. And he doesn't one bit deserve it. Like I say I've no idea why I get like that but its killing our relationship. I can stop drinking right away but it's not that simple. I hope all this makes sense. He keeps saying time after time I never make no effort to help my self and I probably dont. I feel I'm just stuck in a vicious circle. As anyone been through this? Did your relationship get fixed? And how did you do it? I seriously need help with this . I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to talk to anyone close to me about how I've been under the influence of drink. Please any help would be amazing thank you x

edit
I drink everyday 4 cans and 2 bottles. Last weekend I drunk 14 cans 😔 and went ape shit on my partner telling him to leave . I dont want him to leave at all he means everything to me and I'm hurting him. He spoke last night about everything and what I need to do and we said my problem is know when enough is enough. I know I can buy enough beers in the house but if I'm tipsy or on my merry way I go to the shop and buy more. I really shouldn't be like that.

I can stop drinking right away but it's not that simple.
You first need to be honest to yourself that you are an alcoholic, if you could stop drinking it would be simple as it would solve all the current problems. As you cannot that is why you have problems.

Talk to your GP about getting help for alcohol cessation and be very honest about your issues. Your alcohol consumption will also be interfering with your other medication so that needs to be taken into account as well.

The key with alcoholism is honesty and openness, your partner can try and support you, but in the end it is down to you and you have to want to change more than you want to drink.

Sadly you can’t take it or leave it though, can you??
Realising that (and you’re starting to realise how much damage this is doing) will help you get free of this. I really hope you do. Try an online AA meeting you might be surprised at what you hear and how much better life can be. I wish you much luck.

Try "the alcohol experiment" by Annie Grace. Really non judgemental and kind look at yourself and helping you to stop.

Good luck.

I feel for you.

I'm going through similar but it's my partner that drinks and gets nasty.

He says he will stop and then shoes for about 2/3 days but always goes back. The way I see it is if he really wanted to be with me and his DD then he's stop but I guess he has to hit rock bottom first.

He suffers from anxiety and depression and of course drink doesn't help that but he says he drinks to relax.

Vicious circle.

"I can stop drinking straight away but it's not that simple" isn't it? Why not? I think that it's very hard to face it, but the reality is you can't just stop, or else you would have. From what you've written you are an alcoholic.
I agree with other pp- seek help. Go to the gp. Tell people what's happening and they can support you. Things need to change. Not only are you abusing your partner, your damaging yourself and on a path that leads nowhere good.

Thank you for replying.
I'm currently with mankind which my gp referred me too, and I have fortnightly phone calls from my key working. I know I have a problem a big problem . It's just daily habit soon as the children are in bed I have a drink but it's the weekend where I drink and drink then just switch into a different person. I'm so angry at something and I dont know what and the person I take it out on is my partner he doesn't deserve it . After our chat last night I've decided am going to buy just 4 cans and 4 non alcoholic drinks and alternate them. I did this before and it worked, then I lost my dad and it's just gone tits up. I was just wondering if relationships do and can still work if someone been through same thing, or his he just wasting his time with me. I'm very determined to fix our relationship and work hard at it as I dont want to lose it.

Hello @Aimz1988 glad you recognise you have a problem. However it's rarely simple to sort out. Best thing to do is work out why you drink too much, what pain/bad experiences you've been through that led to the behaviour.
I'd suggest counselling /therapy as a start.
Good luck with it

How does your partner feel about that? What if you don't stop at 4 cans? Why would you take the risk after being so horrible to him?

As someone who has only recently accepted that they have a problem with alcohol and quit...

You can't quit drinking any time. If you could, you would have. You wouldn't be writing this. You would have stopped drinking when you first realised that you behaved like this when drunk.

You have an alcohol problem. The term "alcoholic" is unhelpful as it can refer to so many different alcohol-related issues, but from what you've written, I don't think it would be unreasonable to refer to you as an alcoholic.

You sound like me for years, trying to convince myself that if I could just drink LESS, if I only didn't buy more after I've had a few, if only I could regulate my drinking or change my behavioir when drunk etc, then everything would be okay. So desperate just to not accept the obvious - that the only option is to quit drinking for good. You need to quit drinking. Nothing else will save yohr relationship. And if your relationship breaks down, it will all go downhill from here. You'll drink more. You'll destroy other stuff, maybe your job, your friendships, etc.

If you drink to deal with pain (and it sounds like you do) , and if you can't stop drinking even when you're at risk of destroying something, which will then cause you more pain, and lead you to drink more, you're on a slippery slope.

The very first thing you need to do is accept that you have a drinking problem and it really doesn't sound like you're accepting that quite yet? Until you accept that you have a drinking problem, you can't start trying to fix it.

At the moment you see that your behavior when drunk is a problem, but seem to be deluding yourself that you can quit drinking at any moment, which, if it were true, you'd already have done.

I think you need to accept that you're an alcoholic and that your strategies for moderation will not work. You are an alcoholic. It's only going to get worse, you will likely lose your relationship and a lot more besides. Alcoholism rarely/never resolves itself, you need to seek help - please go to AA or your GP.

"I've decided am going to buy just 4 cans and 4 non alcoholic drinks and alternate them."

This isn't a solution to your alcohol problem. This isn't solving your alcohol problem. This is your alcohol problem talking right now. You still aren't accepting that you need to stop drinking altogether. You're desperately trying ro find any solution to your problem which doesn't involve you having to quit alcohol.

I've been there.

But this doesn't get better, or end, until you face this. You can cut down, you can sligjtly change your drinking habits. It might work for a bit, then it will go wrong again next time something stressful happens, maybe sooner.

Do you mean Humankind? What services do they provide?

The first step is that you're an alcoholic and you can't control your drinking. Controlled exposure doesn't work for you so you will have to stop drinking completely.

The second step is to recognise that in order to stop drinking you will need the constant support of somewhere like AA.

If you don't want to lose your partner, your kids and your health - you need to be brave and face up to reality.

I think you have to accept that ultimately you have to stop completely. You've made a start by getting help, but what you really need is to unpick the reasons why you drink.

You say you are on medication for anxiety and depression - I'm sure you are aware that drinking as much as you do means your medication will be far, far less effective - to the point of having no effect at all, in fact.

You might benefit from trying SMART recovery - it's available online and it's a CBT based approach rather than the traditional AA 'higher power' based approach. And I would definitely look into some quit lit, there is a lot of good stuff about.

Lastly, this isn't just about preserving your relationship with your partner. Be very aware that your drinking will be harming your relationship with your children - badly.

You have insight, which is wonderful. Now it's time to take action. It will be hard, but in the end everyone in your life will benefit massively if you stop drinking.

I wish my late husband had had the same insight you have shown by being brave enough to post what you did.

Thank you all again for your reply. I've a telephone appointment with my key worker on wednesday I'll mention what happened last weekend . And hopefully we can work something else out. I dont want to completely stop drinking I've said this I just need to learn to manage my relationship with alcohol. I've just been looking at The alcohol experiment by annie grace I feel this could really help me with the reviews I've seen. I just came here to ask for advice if any other women are going through the same as me.

@MadameGazellee

"I've decided am going to buy just 4 cans and 4 non alcoholic drinks and alternate them."

This isn't a solution to your alcohol problem. This isn't solving your alcohol problem. This is your alcohol problem talking right now. You still aren't accepting that you need to stop drinking altogether. You're desperately trying ro find any solution to your problem which doesn't involve you having to quit alcohol.

I've been there.

But this doesn't get better, or end, until you face this. You can cut down, you can sligjtly change your drinking habits. It might work for a bit, then it will go wrong again next time something stressful happens, maybe sooner.

Hiya madamegazelle this was and option my key worker told me to do to lesson my drinking, to completely stop was not an option for me

If you were your partners friend what advice would you give? For me "trying" to stick to 4 cans would not be enough of an effort and too big a risk of it happening again.

My apologies yes humankind, it's a drug and alcohol recovery group in my town. I have fortnightly phone calls with them. She said my first steps was not to stop completely because of withdrawal symptoms. So I have and have been cutting down. I've along way to go I know , it just the weekends come and I just get carried away then it turns to shit .

Why is stopping not an option? Do you need a medical detox?
If not, then stopping is a very possible goal. Harm reduction is a good strategy but also cannot be the end goal. You need to aim for abstinence. Have you ever tried an AA group?

The problem with attempting moderation is that once you have one drink you don’t give a shit about moderating anymore. It’s impossible if you are already struggling with having no ‘off switch’, which it certainly sounds like you are. It takes up so much headspace trying to keep track and say I’ll just have x many or only beer or I’ll alternate with soft drinks or whatever it is. Honestly it’s so much easier to have none, and I say this as someone who had a drink problem and is now 5 years alcohol free. Obviously if you will have withdrawal symptoms then you’ll need to taper off under medical supervision, but after that you need to remove alcohol from your life, you won’t be losing anything I promise, but you will lose your relationship if you carry on like this.
AA wasn’t for me but I got great support from the website Tired of Thinking About Drinking, there’s a 100 day challenge which is a good place to start. You have to give yourself enough time to get over the cravings and see what a life without alcohol actually feels like for a decent chunk of time.

If you have been drinking sufficient quantities for long enough then yes it's not safe to stop drinking abruptly. You can get support for alcohol withdrawal.

But that does not change the reality that you need to stop drinking completely in the end.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting?

Also, you mention you need to learn to manage your relationship with alcohol. Being unable to manage that relationship is not any failing on your part or you not trying hard enough, it is that alcohol is literally an addictive drug. And there’s a tonne of marketing around it and socialisation to encourage us to keep taking it. So it’s not your fault you can’t manage it, it’s designed that way, and the only solution is to put it down altogether and get off the merry go round. I know that’s not what you want to hear though.

OP, you are an alcoholic. You need to give up alcohol completely.

Hey @Aimz1988
You know deep down that you cant moderate some people just cant, me included. Moderation for these people is hard because it takes up a lot of head space and in the end you just hit the f*ck it button. It is better (and the only way) to just stop completely. Take it out of the equation. You know if you carry on potentially your children will be removed from your care and it will be supervised visits. Your never fully with them anyway as youll always be suffering from a hangover or working out how you can legit fit in a drink around them.

Im sorry to hear about your dad. I imagine there are also other reasons as to why you drink too. As youve said its a vicious circle. You drink to deal with the stress and upset of it all, which seems to work for the first couple of drinks but then it turns sour and your shouting and vile to the person you love the most. As painful as it is you need to surf the urge, ride that wave of incredible pain/feelings and not reach for the bottle. Its difficult the first few times and youll be a mess but youll survive it.

I joined a group on Facebook called one year no beer. I signed up to the 28 day challenge and never looked back. The support on there is phenomenal. Its such a great community to talk things over with and pick you back up if you fail. I also found reading This nsked Mind book by Annie Grace and listening to sober podcasts/reading as much quit lit as possible. Get yourself out exercising and reclaim your life for yourself and your children!

You can do this

Ps i dont work for one year no beer! Im just someone in a similar position to you who was helped by this group!