Alcohol destroying my relationship

[Aimz1988]

Hello everyone. I'm just wondering if anyone is going through what I am at the moment and what your doing to help yourself and your relationship with your partner. I'm a daily drinker , I have cut down alot to what I was , I can take it or leave but I like to have a drink. I'm currently under mankind for the help of lowering my drinking. I lost my dad begging of the year and I struggle daily with my 3 children and I'm on depression and anxiety medication. But my drinking is destroying my relationship with my partner. He as even and support through out to be honest I'm suprised hes stuck around. I've start maybe once a week now while the kids are away at there dads at weekends, drinking more and more till I'm paralytic. And I turn into a nasty peace of work towards my partner who doesn't deserved it. I have no idea why I get like this . He says i just give him verbal abuse. And he doesn't one bit deserve it. Like I say I've no idea why I get like that but its killing our relationship. I can stop drinking right away but it's not that simple. I hope all this makes sense. He keeps saying time after time I never make no effort to help my self and I probably dont. I feel I'm just stuck in a vicious circle. As anyone been through this? Did your relationship get fixed? And how did you do it? I seriously need help with this . I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to talk to anyone close to me about how I've been under the influence of drink. Please any help would be amazing thank you x

@Aimz1988

Thank you all again for your reply. I've a telephone appointment with my key worker on wednesday I'll mention what happened last weekend . And hopefully we can work something else out. I dont want to completely stop drinking I've said this I just need to learn to manage my relationship with alcohol. I've just been looking at The alcohol experiment by annie grace I feel this could really help me with the reviews I've seen. I just came here to ask for advice if any other women are going through the same as me.

I don’t want to completely stop drinking

And this one line is your stumbling block. If you were able to spend any time at all using the resources available to alcoholics, books, AA, rehab etc., you would know that this is not an option.

The only option for alcoholics is to stop drinking. We can’t do it another way. I am sure I would enjoy being a social drinker, have one or two then stop, but I don’t work like that, there is no such thing as one or two for me.

You will not find any alcoholic in recovery that has been successful, talking about how they have cut back on alcohol, they will talk about how they stopped drinking. Your first step is to accept this and embrace a life of sobriety.

I think I was in some ways fortunate in that any denial I once had did not last long and I long knew I had to stop, even though it took a couple of false starts for me to manage it. Your comments on your husband resonated with me, I feel mine put up with far more than he ever should have had to. Knowing what I was putting him through played a major part of my eventual determination to get sober, that and of course that I knew I was killing myself and didn’t want to die prematurely.

A book I would recommend is “Living Sober”. I also think you need to start with AA meetings, in person is best I think but there are so many online now, there is no excuse to not be able to get to one. During first lockdown I even went to meetings that were based in the US, I found a great one that runs at 2:30pm every day. Maybe you can ease yourself in by starting with online meetings?

You have shown that you are half committed to this, it is a start, but you will not beat this until you accept what it is you really need to do.

The statement that you can stop, but its not that simple means you can't stop. And a huge problem you are here is that you don't want to.

Unless you want to stop, you won't be able to. Addictions are truly awful and very difficult to deal with. But your drinking leads you to abusing your partner. You have become an abuser. You know that. It doesn't matter if you only abuse him once a week or month, your drinking leads you to abuse him. You want to go back to a time where you can just have a couple. But that time is long gone. You have gone past that.

Surely, if you could stop, knowing you abuse your partner would be enough to stop you?

I don't think there's much anyone, here or Gp or any service that can help you, until you admit the problem and want to stop.

Op, you need to give up or face that you will lose your partner and your children. That's the reality.

You haven't mentioned your kids but it will be having an effect on them. I was that child and my alcoholic parent thought he hid it from me and my siblings. He didn't.

We all have issues now as adults.

You need to stop completely - you are in denial here that you can moderate.

I'm curious as to why you think cutting down, but continuing to drink a bit, will work for you. You have said you turn into a different person when drunk. How does drinking less alter the effect that drink has on you? You've also said that you'll start out with X amount to drink, but then go and buy more once you've drunk it. If having a few drinks leads you into drinking more, how can you ever hope to decrease your drinking to a reasonable level?

If your relationship issues could be solved by simply removing alcohol from your life, which one would you choose?

Op I’m sorry but you are an alcoholic. You cannot drink. At all. You need a medical detox and then a support group in person for accountability. Whether that’s AA or something else. All you’re telling your partner by not stopping is that alcohol is your number one priority. Why the hell would you carry on drinking when it turns you into an abuser? Because that’s what you are. You’re right at the top of a slippery slope, if you don’t stop completely now you’re going to carry on until you hit absolute rock bottom. You cannot have just a few cans, no matter how many it’ll never be enough because you’re an alcoholic. I know, because I am too. I’m 20 months sober now but I have been where you are and it only gets worse if you don’t stop now. It’s not the tenth or the twentieth drink that kills you, it’s the first because after that one you cannot stop.

If you want to keep your partner and your children you need to accept the truth and stop deluding yourself that you can control your drinking. Because you are going to lose everything if you don’t get proper help.

Good luck op.

I think if your partner is having to withstand repeated abuse from you he has every right to take himself out of that situation. If things were reversed and he was posting here, he'd get a lot of support.
Only you can decide to change yourself, not a little, but completely.

Hey @Aimz1988 how are you? Did you meet with your keyworker?

Hope you're ok Aimz

My partner drinks every night and our relationship isn't great we have two children and I have thought about walking away numerous times. My partner has tried cutting down, but then has a mad one but having a couple of bottles every night isn't good. I can't see our relationship getting any better as the alcohol has taken over and my partner is dependant on it. Its tough and I have had counselling and I'm also on anti depressants as I have had alot to deal with due to the alcohol abuse.

If you can acknowledge that alcohol is destroying your relationship then why do you want to drink alcohol? Or do you want to be out of your relationship and this is a great way for you to get dumped? If you’d rather drink cans than be in a relationship, that’s up to you. But if you start a thread entitled “alcohol destroying my relationship”, announce you can stop drinking whenever you like but plan to continue drinking, then yeah - I guess your relationship is done for. And you are fine with that. Up to you really, based on the info you gave in your OP. Chin chin.