I love him but as a friend

[theDilemma]

Married for 18 years with two DCs,17 and 12.
I love him dearly and can't imagine not having him in my life. He is my best friend, but not the right partner for me. Not strong enough for me, a streak of laziness, not ambitious enough, never feel he deserves things. I constantly feel that he slows me down and I have to pick up the heavy lifting. He suffers from confidence issues and I know exactly why, and how his past shaped who he is today. I have huge empathy but unconsciously it also makes him unattractive to me. We hardly have sex. I have developed zero interest for the past 2 years. I feel as something is growing on me, this recognition that we are actually not meant to be a couple despite generally enjoy spending time together. Just good friends.
We love our DCs deeply and care for them. We are good parents, together, and he is a wonderful Dad.
I imagine life with someone else which is energetic, successful, fight for himself and his family, protective, assertive, proactive. Boosting of confidence.
But I want him too, caring, lots of patience, gentle, wants to make me happy, respectful of my freedom, accepts me as I am.
He is wonderful in lots of different ways, yet I don't feel happy in this relationship.
I'm struggling what to do. (I know we can try counselling but have other priorities right now in the MH front such as Ds MH issues and much needed therapy for myself)
Please help me see what I can't, the way to leave or to stay. 🙏🙏

What attracted you to him in the first place though?

Nobody’s perfect. That ‘energetic, successful, fight for himself and his family, protective, assertive, proactive. Boosting of confidence’ fantasy man has feet of clay.

You’re just bored. Being with the same sexual partner for 18 years is boring. But the next one will get boring too.

The man you describe is likely to be controlling - would you like to follow/do as he would tell you?

So, you are a career driven, fight for your family kind of woman are you? Is it that you are fed up being the breadwinner as well as doing everything else? I kind of think it would help if you could explain the family setup. It's hard to see if your wishful thinking for a different life is realistic or not. It would depend on where you are at, as successful high achieving people are attracted to each other in general, so if you are one, you could give it a shot in future, but if that's not you, and you are hoping to gain status through a man - not going to happen, just a pipe dream.
Your DH sounds quite nice in lots of ways by your description, be careful what you wish for, I doubt any man is going to provide what you desire as an ideal step-parent. It's telling that when you fantasize about leaving him, the fantasy contains another man, try imagining being on your own, and what that would be like, as that is more likely.

The man you have described sounds like something out of a Barbra Cartland novel, all men have faults, same old shit, different bloke. Agree with Hedda you are just bored. If you are unhappy you don’t have to stay but go into it with your eyes wide open, no man is perfect.

This is a very hard one to call. I was engaged to my best friend once. The most lovely man, he was great fun, supportive, good communicator, hardworking, my rock. But he wasn't my lover. That was the sticking point. I couldn't look at him in that way. I was totally heartbroken but made a decision to call off the wedding as I didn't think I could give him what he wanted in me as a loving passionate wife. He just didn't turn me on any more but was pretty much perfect in other ways.

I went my own way, he went his own way (eventually - though he couldn't let go). I felt awful for 'breaking his heart' but I think I did him a favour in the long run. He went on to remarry and now has a lovely wife and 3 daughters. I'm really happy for him as he deserves an amazing life. Still in contact with him from time to time and there is no animosity. Twinge of sadness for me as though I did have a long term relationship after him, next guy wasn't marriage material. I'm now single after a string of disasters and abuse. Maybe I got what was coming for calling off the wedding?

I guess if I was happy now with someone I wouldn't even think twice about it. I still think I made the right decision, hard as it was. But sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. Just because things didn't work out for me, it doesn't mean it wouldn't work out for you though. Go with your instincts. If there's doubt there, it's not right. Only you can know. Think of yourself in 10 or 20 years time.

You may regret it, you might not. But if you're having these thoughts now then maybe the best thing is to end things. But it might not be easy.

I'm happily single now and can see myself staying this way.

It's a strange one isn't it when the man you thought was the one ends up not being the one at all. I think it is because you ignore the bad points and then they catch up as the years go by and you can't change the person because that is what they fundamentally are.

What I would say is not to look at others and think you are missing out as the grass is never greener, not ever.

Whilst I’m not married, I felt I couldn’t read and run.

I do think you should try and add some spark back to your marriage as the issues you have stated so seem like things that can be resolved easily.

I would never say to anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage, I would however say to very much consider if you would be ultimately happier or better off if you and him were to split.

Do the two of you work as a team in times of crisis (eg a dc being severely ill)? Or do you have to take charge and tell him what to do?

It doesn't sound like your relationship is "bad" - more like you've got bored of him and don't find him sexually attractive. Which is not surprising after 18 years. You've not had sex with him in 2 years? I would assume he's having discreet liaisons every so often in order to stay sane and married. Are you?

Doesn't sound bad at all, I think you are naieve to think the grass will be greener. Maybe you need some individual counselling and also make an effort to make it more exciting?

@FortunesFave his kindness, acceptance, he was a good company and had more energy back then. I was a new immigrant 22 years ago when we met at uni and we were both quite fascinated with each other. He was very supportive of me, admired my work and was just so different to all the man I even knew in my home country. We both had much more fun back then.

@HeddaGarbled yes, sometime I feel bored, or rather that I am married to a boring person. Not sure which is more correct. Kind man, caring, listening, but not that exciting. For some reason I'm craving a relationship with a man that will Wow me, show a lot of passion for me or a hobby and other interests.

@CatAndHisKit there is a bit of truth in that. As someone who push for things to happen, and deals with the more complicated tasks of our lives, able to make bold decisions and make things happen, I wish sometime there was someone else doing it for me, and I will happily be controlled by the leader. It's exhausting to be the initiator all the times, the architect of all holidays and home projects.

@Opentooffers we both earn about the same, he's a little bit more. We both work way too hard and long hours. I love my job but it leaves me no time for anything else. He doesn't like his job and have very low motivation to change and low confidence to market itself upwards. It's the typical rat race of a busy family. We have a huge mortgage, one child in a private school and one child with very challenging behaviour. Im in a state of feel anxiety most of the time. It's hard to deal with it all.

@AmberLynn1536 you are very right and I kind of know that, but good to be reminded by others as it is easy to lose perspective.

Be careful what you wish for. Mr Passionate and Career Driven may also be utterly self focused. And exhausting to live with. All about him.

Give me comfortable kindness any day.

Morning OP, your DH sounds like he needs some zest back in his life maybe he should be the one to seek counselling or a life coach. You both sound stuck by your financial commitments. Does a big mortgage mean a large property? Can you downsize and relieve the financial pressure here?

You could both get away for even 2 nights, one won't be enough and talk frankly about your life.

Someone very driven or with hobbies might be an absent nightmare. And he's unlikely to "fight for" your family, as he'd be a stepdad, and though some are great, some would leave that to you.

It sounds like you're bored and in a rut, and everything's a bit of a struggle and drag at the moment.

I am not sure that a more exciting man or more turbulent relationship is the answer.

Is your dh a bit depressed himself? Lack of energy and interest in life might be symptoms.

You do sound ripe for an affair. Be careful you don't fuck up a decent life for shortlived excitement.

Your choice isn't him or "energetic, successful, fight for himself and his family, protective, assertive, proactive. Boosting of confidence." It's him or being divorced. What happens after that could be anything.

We both work way too hard and long hours. I love my job but it leaves me no time for anything else. If you've got no time to be passionate about a hobby etc, then what makes you think he would?

Passion and energy requires there being some left over to have, it sounds like you'd both have to dial down the long hours to leave space for that to even be possible.

Real talk - You will never have a family relationship with someone who is successful and full of confidence who fights for himself and his family. Because you already had a family with another man and you can never be a part of the family the man you want “fights for”. And if you find a man you think is like that he will have been divorced and come with his own baggage and likely won’t be fighting for you.

You’ve lost attraction and got bored in your marriage with a good man. This happens for many middle aged women over time. The reality is you can and probably will leave this man and it will blindside him and change your kids lives - and despite the self justification some would use it won’t change them for the better and will affect their opinion of you.

Nobody is “meant to be” with their spouse. If your spouse was enough for you once but now isn’t the flaw is with your fickleness and immaturity regarding adult love (it’s not a school girl crush) when it comes to having a family.

Read what you’ve written as though it was by someone else - you have two children, say you get on well with your husband but are craving a man who “wows” you and fights for his family.

Life isn’t a romance novel, time to grow up.

Well I’m married to the kind of man you describe and it’s hell because he has to have his own way all the time. He knows best. In everything. Big ego. You know that big men have big egos right? It’s what makes them strive. You don’t get to be wildly successful and share. You’ll be second best and if you ever dare to contradict him then you’ll be out in your place because you don’t get to be assertive without knowing how to put people in their place.

It’s a tricky one, I totally understand the “good man, but there’s no spark or life to him”, I’m leaving my husband of 30 years with the same feeling. The thing is though, you don’t know you’ll find someone as you describe so you’re real question is “will I be happier alone”. Being alone does create the possibility of something else, but it’s only a possibility - could your marriage give you that “something else”. Lack of intimacy is a killer in relationships, left to continue, and I honestly wish I had left long before I have but it’s not an easy path to tread.

In saying that, I need to be with an equal, who is connected and engaged and interested, if I can’t have that I’d rather be alone.

If you decide to leave, make sure you'll think you'd be happier on you own rather than imagining yourself with a dream-man you may never find

What would Heathcliff do with a woman who works long hours, has 2 kids one of whom is challenging?

You might find someone to have wild sex with but they may not want to take on your kids.

Many of the problems in your life could be solved if you found interests outside the workplace, maybe even reduced your hours; downsized to reduce the mortgage; shifted the kid in private school to a good state school (unless it's a special school due to their behaviours).

You're stuck and frustrated in your life so you think if you switch husbands your life will be more exciting.

It might, or it might not. You stand to lose a lot without any guarantee of a gain.