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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend is following girls I know on social media

47 replies

deltaway · 08/11/2021 11:36

I'm posting as I'd like other people's opinions on this topic as I'm not sure if I'm just being petty or not.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5years on and off. He follows attractive girls I know on Instagram and Facebook. Girls he could never have possibly have met in real life.....people I work with, people i've met while travelling etc. He also follows female attractive celebrities but I don't have a problem with that.

A couple months ago I told him this bothers me and asked him why he follows so many attractive girls I know. He said he does it when he gets drunk. I asked him how he'd feel if I started following lots of attractive guys he knew, guys I'd never met. He said he wouldn't like it but yet he still follows attractive girls I know. He's never cheated on me (that I know of) and tbh I don't think he ever would but what he's doing makes me feel insecure. AIBU to be upset by what he's doing?

OP posts:
KittenCatcher · 08/11/2021 11:57

How does he know who you are following on social media, sounds very childish

Buggritbuggrit · 08/11/2021 12:01

I would consider this strange and rather embarrassing behaviour on his part. So, you’ve asked him to stop and he hasn’t stopped. Have you addressed it again?

And when you say you’ve been together five years on and off, what do you mean? What have the reasons been for the ‘off’ periods?

FreeHugz · 08/11/2021 12:25

So, let me get this straight. He doesn't know the girls that you know personally and follow but he proceeds to follow them anyway? knowing, that they know, he is your boyfriend. I have to agree that this is truly embarrassing behavior.

It does just come down to respect for you and his lack of. I'd approach the conversation again but personally, regardless of whether it's physical cheating or not I would want him to respect what makes me uncomfortable. Rather than doing that, he is blaming it on drinking. You aren't being unreasonable, he's just an ass.

Ruby3723 · 08/11/2021 12:54

The thing is, it doesn’t matter if anyone else here thinks it’s acceptable or not. You’ll get some people agreeing with you and others will come along and tell you you’re being silly and insecure (which for the record I don’t think you are).

This is YOUR relationship and these are YOUR boundaries. Do not doubt your boundaries, they are there to protect you. You’ve told him that it bothers you and yet and he keeps doing it…you have to decide whether or not that’s the kind of person you want to be with

Bluntness100 · 08/11/2021 13:04

Personally I’d be embarrassed by that, people knowing my boyfriend was a sleaze ball, becayse that’s what they will think. I’d be out.

girlmom21 · 08/11/2021 13:11

I'd be more concerned about the fact he follows them specifically when he's drunk than the fact he follows them generally.

He admitted he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed which suggests he believes he's pushing boundaries, so how far is he willing to push them.

Would he message them, but only because he was drunk? Would he meet them, but only because he was drunk?

If he can't control his actions when he's drunk he needs to stop drinking.

RubyTuesday70 · 08/11/2021 13:13

If he knows you don't like it, and he still does it? He's got fuck all respect for you.

Not a relationship I'd want to be in.

Chocaholic9 · 08/11/2021 13:24

He's a sleaze.

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 14:46

I asked him how he'd feel if I started following lots of attractive guys he knew, guys I'd never met. He said he wouldn't like it

Yeah, for the double standard alone - he's not a keeper.

Sonaftersonafterson · 08/11/2021 14:50

I bet you he does more than follow them when drunk. He probably sends sleazy messages too I'd imagine.

It would be a huge problem for me and I wouldn't have it.

Pascal80 · 08/11/2021 15:14

So he's a drunk and an embarrassing sleazebag. A ''boyfriend'' for five years. It's not going anywhere, is it?

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/11/2021 15:17

I could not care less. Following on SM doesn’t mean “I want to fuck you”

Your insecurity is your issue, not his. I certainly would not allow any partner of mine to control my SM follows or friends.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/11/2021 15:19

This is YOUR relationship and these are YOUR boundaries. Do not doubt your boundaries, they are there to protect you.

There’s protection and then there is bat shit paranoia. Not all boundaries are reasonable or logical.

Bookworm20 · 08/11/2021 15:35

I certainly would not allow any partner of mine to control my SM follows or friends.

Translated to: I have no respect for my partner, don't give a shit what they think and will do what I want, when I want.

How mature.

Meanwhile back in the real world.

If he knows you don't like it, and he still does it? He's got fuck all respect for you.

Not a relationship I'd want to be in.

Basically this.

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 16:13

Your insecurity is your issue, not his. I certainly would not allow any partner of mine to control my SM follows or friends.

What insecurity?
IF it is insecurity, the boyfriend is insecure too.
I asked him how he'd feel if I started following lots of attractive guys he knew, guys I'd never met. He said he wouldn't like it

That wouldn't make me feel insecure. It would make me feel that I'd accidentally started dating a massive hypocrite.
So I'd dump him.
Hope OP does just that.

Moooning · 08/11/2021 16:37

He sounds like a loser

Buggritbuggrit · 08/11/2021 17:20

@PlanDeRaccordement If your partner went through your social media and followed people who:

  • He had never met;
  • Were your friends and acquaintances; and
  • Were all members of of the gender to which said partner was attracted (he’s not following any blokes).

You wouldn’t find that to be odd and sleazy behaviour? Particularly as, in this instance, said partner would dislike it if you did the same?

AnyFucker · 08/11/2021 17:25

I think you could do better than this loser

And you have been together for 5 years “on and off” ? What were the reasons for the “off” periods ?

fuckoffImcounting · 08/11/2021 17:35

I would be totally fucked off by this - tell him to stop or you are finished - what a scum bag.

mewkins · 08/11/2021 17:44

Yeah it's weird and sleazy and he sounds like a liability.

AreYouRightThereSkippy · 08/11/2021 17:47

I agree with pps that I would find this weird and quite embarrassing. Unless the girls have huge numbers of followers maybe? So that they wouldn't even notice him following.

Original poster
deltaway · 08/11/2021 19:03

Thank you for the replies 💐.

We've been on and off for 5yrs, the "off" periods were due to drug issues on his part (cocaine). He no longer uses so this isn't an issue anymore.

We talked (well, argued) earlier about him following girls I know on social media. It's not just the fact he follows and adds girls I know on social media, he's also not truthful when confronted. My hometown is 450miles away from the city my boyfriend and I live in. He's from this city, I moved here for work. I noticed a girl from my hometown in his friend's list so asked how he knew her. She's an acquaintance of mine, not really a friend. He said she must've added him after the family wedding I took him to in my hometown. She wasn't at the wedding.

The reason this issue has come up again is because I noticed he was following a friend yesterday. Again, I asked how he knew her. He said she drinks in his local pub. She's not from the area and it's highly unlikely she'd drink there so I said I didn't believe him. It might seem like I'm checking up on him but that's really not the case. He follows female celebrities and influencers, really couldn't care less about that. However, when he's randomly adding girls I know, who he's never even met I find it weird, desperate and embarrassing. He knows it bothers me as I've told him this before and he's said if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn't like it either. Today I asked why he does it. He said he's a red-blooded male and sometimes before bed he scrolls through SM and follows people. We argued, he said he knows what he's doing is sleazy and that he's now deleted his SM. I did not want or ask him to delete it. I don't want to control him, just want him to understand my point of view.

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 08/11/2021 19:06

when he's randomly adding girls I know, who he's never even met I find it weird, desperate and embarrassing.

Yep. Me too.

I don't want to be with a bloke I considerate to be weird, desperate and embarrassing.

I'd bin this one. I'd have got 'the ick' by now.

CaMePlaitPas · 08/11/2021 19:07

This is so embarrassing, I would break up with him for this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/11/2021 19:26

However, when he's randomly adding girls I know, who he's never even met I find it weird, desperate and embarrassing.

That's because it is. I wouldn't be jealous (guys like this love doing the whole 'god you're so jealous and paranoid' thing) I would just be really fucking turned off because it's so cringe and teenage a thing to be doing.

He knows it bothers me as I've told him this before and he's said if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn't like it either.

So he's repeatedly done something you don't like (uncaring) and it's something he wouldn't like you to do either (hypocrite).

And he's got a history of addiction issues that has meant your relationship has been on and off.

OP, you really really can do better than this guy. Is this who you want to spend the rest of your one, precious life with?!

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