My boyfriend is following girls I know on social media

[deltaway]

I'm posting as I'd like other people's opinions on this topic as I'm not sure if I'm just being petty or not.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5years on and off. He follows attractive girls I know on Instagram and Facebook. Girls he could never have possibly have met in real life.....people I work with, people i've met while travelling etc. He also follows female attractive celebrities but I don't have a problem with that.

A couple months ago I told him this bothers me and asked him why he follows so many attractive girls I know. He said he does it when he gets drunk. I asked him how he'd feel if I started following lots of attractive guys he knew, guys I'd never met. He said he wouldn't like it but yet he still follows attractive girls I know. He's never cheated on me (that I know of) and tbh I don't think he ever would but what he's doing makes me feel insecure. AIBU to be upset by what he's doing?

He's a 'red blooded male'?

I'd be wondering what else he sees that as an excuse for

He says he's a red-blooded male? He's justifying his actions by saying "I'm just a typical bloke".

He's telling you who he is OP.

He follows attractive girls because he wants their attention.

Next he'll message them. Will that be acceptable because he's a red-blooded male?

He'll reactivate his SM and either block you or when you ask about it he will say you're controlling and convince you you're the one in the wrong.

Disgusting behaviour

Hello, I’m a man, and I can confirm that following your girlfriend’s attractive friends (that you don’t know/haven’t met) would be considered loserish behaviour. It’s pretty indiscreet and lazy.

@Bookworm20

I certainly would not allow any partner of mine to control my SM follows or friends.

Translated to: I have no respect for my partner, don't give a shit what they think and will do what I want, when I want.

How mature.

Meanwhile back in the real world.

If he knows you don't like it, and he still does it? He's got fuck all respect for you.

Not a relationship I'd want to be in.

Basically this.

I am in the real world. This rule is bat shit. And it’s weird. If I applied it to myself, then I literally could not follow anyone moderately attractive because I’m bisexual. So no attractive men, no attractive women ever.

Even if I don’t think they are attractive, it doesn’t matter because my partner might think they are, so best to not follow any human being and delete my SM. Isolate myself because “all you need is love”

It is absolutely controlling to suggest following someone on SM is disrespectful to your partner. It’s really not.

I'm also bisexual, but, crucially, I'm not adding friends of my dp to my sm when I've never even met them... that's the weird bit, regardless of gender or sexuality.

[quote Buggritbuggrit]@PlanDeRaccordement If your partner went through your social media and followed people who:

• He had never met;
• Were your friends and acquaintances; and
• Were all members of of the gender to which said partner was attracted (he’s not following any blokes).

You wouldn’t find that to be odd and sleazy behaviour? Particularly as, in this instance, said partner would dislike it if you did the same?[/quote]
No. I would not find it odd.
My partner and I have SM friends in common. He follows some of my friends and I follow some of his friends. Neither of us is confronting the other with you’re only following them because you’d fuck them if you had the chance you sleaze. Er, no, we both have genuinely interesting friends who post on relevant topics and shared hobbies. Is it so strange that two people who love each other might find each other’s friends and acquaintances likeable and interesting too?

He understands your point of view but doesn’t seem to care.

I would find this so embarrassing. My boyfriend randomly following my friends. Ick.

OP he understands your point of view. He really does. He just doesn't care.

You can't make him care. You can't make him consider you or your feelings because they aren't important to HIM.

He won't change. The only way forward is to find someone who cares about you, starting with yourself.

@PlanDeRaccordement but he didn't say he followed her friends because he finds them interesting - he said he follows them when he's drunk/before bed because he's a red blooded male...

Creepy, yuck.

I agree with PP, he is a sleaze. Men letching on women they don't know? Reeks of sleaze.

The bisexual analogy doesn't work in this scenario.

[quote girlmom21]@PlanDeRaccordement but he didn't say he followed her friends because he finds them interesting - he said he follows them when he's drunk/before bed because he's a red blooded male... [/quote]
This!

So he's a red blooded male eh? Well in that case, why isn't he following just far off celebrities then?

Obviously, people do occasionally follow each other's friends, but if it's becoming random and uncomfortable, it's because he's mining your contacts hoping for a sexual encounter, like an annoying MLM person who mines their friend's contacts looking for sales opportunities. Cheeky fucker, and disrespectful.

He's probably half-hoping that one of them will see his photo and start talking to him. Maybe that will into a flirty exchange, a few winks, some cheeky photos. At the very least an ego boosting thrill or more.

I felt uncomfortable with my DH being friends with certain people and as soon as I mentioned it he removed anyone that wasn't a work friend, personal friend or family etc. He didn't care and didn't mind me bringing it up.
It depends what they use social media for. Why would you want loads of random people seeing pictures of your children etc ?

I think he is probably choosing women you know deliberately to fuel a specific fantasy. I doubt he'll stop, just try to hide it better.

@PlanDeRaccordement You ask “Is it so strange that two people who love each other might find each other’s friends and acquaintances likeable and interesting too?”

No, it is not. However, it’s extremely apparent that’s not what is happening here. He’s never met these people and the only ones he seems to find interesting are women (no interesting men, apparently) who he has stated he follows because ‘he is a red blooded male’ - not because of their interesting posts on shared hobbies.

You also disregarded my final sentence. He’s told her that if she were to do the same, he’d have a problem with it. If your partner is doing X, but says they’d have a problem with you doing X, that isn’t indicative of double standards to you? How interesting.

@PlanDeRaccordement i follow some of my boyfriend's friends, but only those I've met in person. He also follows friend's of mine he's met in person. I don't have a problem with that. The issue is him following a lot of women I know simply based on the fact he finds them attractive. You know, because he's a "red-blooded male". He's never met them/doesn't know them and it's not based on a mutual interest or hobby. If that were the case I'd understand. He's not following random men I know, only women. To me it's completely different to following attractive celebrities or influencers, it's a bit too close to home and seems sleazy. There's intention there.

Luckily we don't live together and don't have children, he hasn't lived with me since we last split up 1.5years ago. I've told him I need space to think but realistically I think this relationship has run its course.

Yeah, I think the red blooded male comment has certainly shown you who he is. So basically he is saying he has them on SM because he finds them hot which is totally normal because hes a typical bloke and thats what blokes do?
Nah. Its not what blokes do. Well maybe young single ones, but not ones in a 5 year relationship. He has admitted to you he finds them attractive and looks at them before he goes to bed. And thst the sole reason they are on there. Just WTF.

@PlanDeRaccordement staggeringly missed the point.

I'd have no issue with my DP having friends on SM who he had met, he knew and were friends. No care in the world how attractive they were. I'd certainly find it pretty sleezy and a complete turn off if he had friends of mine on there he had never met and gave the reason as because hes a red blooded male.
Oh and drunk. Lets not forget its because of the drink aswell.
So absolutely not the poor lambs fault hes a total sleaze then. Its because hes a man and, well, drinking.

What other behaviour does he excuse with this do you think?

Perhaps if he can't control his urges he ought not to be on SM.

He's 40 years old. I just think he's too old to be acting like this.

He follows your friends that he hasn't met, because they're attractive.

They obviously notice he's following them as well. I'd find it so creepy if a friend's partner who had never met me, started following me, I would block them. Like OP says, he's not following for a shared hobby, or anything other than the woman's appearance. He's finding them, not randomly, because they are friends of hers.

Yuck.

Feels quite predatory to me