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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of Ending my marriage

41 replies

38andlost · 08/11/2021 10:40

We have been together for 18 years and have 3 children together (17,14,12). This past year it’s become really difficult for me to see our future. My husband is constantly miserable and moaning about something. Talks to me and the kids like shit and constantly criticises what I do, cook and spend money on including Christmas presents.
I’m 38 I have been a sahm for the entirety of my children lives and I have no idea if I leave him how we will financially cope . We get tax credits of £12 a week because of his earnings and I don’t know if that would change should I become a single parent. I also homeschool all 3 children so working regular hours isn’t possible.
I don’t know where to turn or what to do next . I’m tired of being made to feel less . When I talk to him he never changes . He can manage a few days of not being miserable but ultimately slips back into his ways again and again. I never thought I’d leave the father of my children and I never wanted that for my kids as that’s what I had growing up but this isn’t what I thought married life was either.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 08/11/2021 10:59

You are too young to love the rest of your life this way.
But you are in a difficult place. For starters - you need to plan your exit. You need to figure out what job you are able to do - and if needed go and train for it.
You need to make peace with sending your kids to school, so you can work on your life.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/11/2021 11:02

Why are you home schooling? Is that something he's coerced you into because it further isolated you?

Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 11:34

I’m not ok with my kids going to school and if that’s something I have to do to leave then it won’t be happening. We’ve been homeschooling for over 10 years my youngest has never been in a school setting. I do need to plan though.

OP posts:
Glassofshloer · 08/11/2021 11:40

That’s a shame as school would be a good change of scenery from home if things are difficult there. Do no schools around you appeal?

Electricbug321 · 08/11/2021 11:42

Do you rent or own your home?
Do you and your husband have savings?
Have you looked at the universal credit or benefits calculator to see how much you are entitled to if you split?
What are your outgoings?

Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 12:22

We rent privately. We don’t have any savings and I’ve been looking at the benefits this morning. I think I’d have to move and or apply for a council house as our rent is over £1000 a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 12:22

He’s only around in the evenings and weekends so the atmosphere is fine when it’s just me and the boys .

OP posts:
Sidetableable · 08/11/2021 12:43

If he moved out you could apply for housing benefit? Find out what the cap is for local housing allowance in your area. Also see if you could apply for benefits in your own right but you’d need to look at the intricacies if you are home schooling as I guess you aren’t available for most types of work so couldn’t claim the jobseekers element of universal credit. Sorry I'm not an expert just thinking out loud really. I think it’s a balance between what’s best for this next phase…are you at breaking point? Could you plod on for a bit and make an exit plan for when your youngest is older? Or do you feel things need to change now? Only you can answer these questions…

Glassofshloer · 08/11/2021 12:48

But would OP get any benefits if she chooses not to work in order to home school?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/11/2021 12:53

Could you look for evening or weekend work?

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 08/11/2021 12:58

I think you would only be entitled to Jobs seekers allowance as you have school aged children. You would get housing benefit and council tax reduction.
I would do some research now into benefits for those who are home schooling. There may be different rules.

Personally, I think you should work on your marriage. Your husband certainly does. Would couples therapy be a start? Even if it meant you had an amicable divorce if things can't be saved.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 08/11/2021 12:59

I meant your husband certainly should work on your marriage. Not that he already does. He clearly doesn't!

Bagelsandbrie · 08/11/2021 13:03

What is he miserable about? It is depression? In which case be needs medication and help. Or just generally miserable about stuff…?

Foldedsheets · 08/11/2021 13:10

Don't know how much help I'm going to be but just wanted you to know you're not alone in your 'stuckness' OP, I'm in the exact same boat re home educating. Things are slightly better with my DH right now so I've sort of shelved my plans for now but I had started looking into how I could make it work on my own.

Do you have any family support? Anyone who could have DC while you worked part time for example? I had started to look at figures for working part time with UC and CM to top up and it looked doable although I do have a council tenancy which helps and a family member willing to help with DC. What about WFH jobs? Are DC old enough to work unsupervised for some of the time while you work?

I'm not willing to send DC to school either, they've always been home Ed and neither them nor I want that to change so I understand why that isn't an option for you I've done a lot of weighing up of what is the 'least worst' option for me because there really isn't a good one, the changes and compromises I/DC might have to make in order to split from DH feel potentially catastrophic and I don't feel like I can afford to take the risk unless I'm sure I can make it work. We're so far down the line with HE now that I'm really not sure how DC would cope with the sudden switch to school at this late stage so it feels even more complicated than contemplating a 'normal' break up.

I did tell you I wasn't likely to be much help, I'm a long way from figuring this out myself but I did want you to know that your situation isn't entirely unique and there is someone out there who understands Flowers

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/11/2021 13:18

This past year it’s become really difficult for me to see our future. My husband is constantly miserable and moaning about something.

If by this you mean your DH has turned into a grumpy miserable person over the past year, then is he depressed? If so., he needs to see his GP and try and anti-depressants and perhaps some counselling through his works employee assistance program? Being depressed doesn’t excuse his constant criticism of you, but it could explain it and if he accesses help, he can then tackle the depression and not be constantly critical of you.

Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 13:19

I’m have been looking at evening and weekend work in my area

OP posts:
Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 15:14

He won’t take anti depressants and wouldn’t ever pay for a counsellor because he thinks he doesn’t have enough money. Which he does. I’ve tried lots to help and make his life easier but that’s just resulted in me looking after him like one of the kids and becoming a bit invisible .

OP posts:
Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 15:18

I don’t have anyone who could look after the children unfortunately. It would do the children more harm to put them in school now and as I said is not an option . The lesser of two evils is exhausting but the kids have to be as unaffected by any possible separation . Thank you for your understanding x

OP posts:
Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 15:20

He seems to think nothing is wrong even though I have been expressing my feelings for over a year . Nothing changes. In fact his attitude has got worse. Or I’m just finding that I don’t tolerate it anymore .

OP posts:
HollySass · 08/11/2021 15:28

Well, the way you have "stuck" yourself OP, makes you very vulnerable in your marriage. How bad would it have to be, for you to consider sending kids to school?

Does your husband want them at school?

Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 15:29

No he doesn’t want them at school. Yes I am quite stuck and I feel it too.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 08/11/2021 15:31

@38andlost

He won’t take anti depressants and wouldn’t ever pay for a counsellor because he thinks he doesn’t have enough money. Which he does. I’ve tried lots to help and make his life easier but that’s just resulted in me looking after him like one of the kids and becoming a bit invisible .
Have you explicitly said that enough is enough, he gets help or he cN get out?

I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but often a depressed person needs a kick to push them to seek help.

R0tational · 08/11/2021 16:26

You need to put the kids in school and get a job.

Jsku · 08/11/2021 16:42

Your boys aren’t babies, and schools are not some sort of wild and dangerous places.
In fact they are good for the kids to develop social skills and learn how to live in a society.
Presumably your kids will renter the outside world eventually?

They are old enough to deal with separation too, and as all teenagers - they are/will be more focused on their own lives and friends.
Mine certainly did.

You also need to think about what example you are setting your boys. Will they also be looking for wives they can lock upin the house, take away their independence and treat the way your H treats you? Are you raising three more copies of him?

They’ll respect you a lot more if you find strength and rebuild your life. They also are old enough so they don’t need ‘looking after’.
Kids their age go to/from school on their own and manage at home until parents come back from work. They also normally have basic skills like reheating food and cleaning up after themselves.

You H did a number on you by restricting your life and limiting you to a house as if you live in Victorian times. I am sorry

DrSbaitso · 08/11/2021 16:43

Why would it harm your kids to go to school? Why doesn't your husband want them to go?

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