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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of Ending my marriage

41 replies

38andlost · 08/11/2021 10:40

We have been together for 18 years and have 3 children together (17,14,12). This past year it’s become really difficult for me to see our future. My husband is constantly miserable and moaning about something. Talks to me and the kids like shit and constantly criticises what I do, cook and spend money on including Christmas presents.
I’m 38 I have been a sahm for the entirety of my children lives and I have no idea if I leave him how we will financially cope . We get tax credits of £12 a week because of his earnings and I don’t know if that would change should I become a single parent. I also homeschool all 3 children so working regular hours isn’t possible.
I don’t know where to turn or what to do next . I’m tired of being made to feel less . When I talk to him he never changes . He can manage a few days of not being miserable but ultimately slips back into his ways again and again. I never thought I’d leave the father of my children and I never wanted that for my kids as that’s what I had growing up but this isn’t what I thought married life was either.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 08/11/2021 16:47

What scares you about them going to school?

The youngest is 12 and would be at the start of high school which is a good time to join. The older ones would manage. I’d really necessary the older ones could do online learning and stay home and you could work around them as they don’t need constant supervision.

If you really won’t consider the idea of school then you need a longer term plan. Plan to leave when the youngest is 16. Squirrel money away.

Universeandeverything · 08/11/2021 16:56

You seem adamant about the home schooling but I don’t see how you will finance yourself and three children if you don’t work. Why don’t you find out what you would be entitled to if you went it alone and how much child maintenance he would pay and see if it’s doable?

Glassofshloer · 08/11/2021 17:29

I sincerely hope your husband isn’t keeping you all under lock and key with the home schooling scare tactics but it does sound like it.

Please let your boys into the world. Unless there’s a significant back story, they’re going into it when they’re 18 anyway - let them have friends, life experiences, memories, feel part of something, have a life outside the family.

By keeping them at home it’s stifling them like your husband stifles you.

Liberate yourselves!

Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 17:58

Because they’ve been homeschooled for all of their education and the contrast this far on would be quite difficult for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 18:00

No actually I don’t.

OP posts:
Glassofshloer · 08/11/2021 18:00

@38andlost

Because they’ve been homeschooled for all of their education and the contrast this far on would be quite difficult for them.
They might bite your hand off at the chance to make some friends and have a great time. And freedom!

Don’t make them afraid of the world, they will live in it for much longer than they have lived with you. Prepare them for it.

Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 18:01

I don’t know what your ideas of homeschooling is but “keeping them at home “ isn’t what it is. We’ve been doing it for ten years they have many friends and see many people of all ages outside of the home and on their own.

OP posts:
Glassofshloer · 08/11/2021 18:02

But there’s no good reason why you can’t let them go to school. It would open their world up, and yours, and would free you from your marriage. There doesn’t seem to be any real reason why you won’t let them go when it sounds like a solution for you all.

Bagelsandbrie · 08/11/2021 18:05

@38andlost

I don’t know what your ideas of homeschooling is but “keeping them at home “ isn’t what it is. We’ve been doing it for ten years they have many friends and see many people of all ages outside of the home and on their own.
If they’re used to mixing with lots of different people then they’ll cope with school absolutely fine, especially as they’re older.
TwilightSkies · 08/11/2021 18:14

It would do them good to get used to a life without you there all the time. They’ll have to become adults at some point.
I think there’s more to this than you are saying.

DrSbaitso · 08/11/2021 18:14

@38andlost

Because they’ve been homeschooled for all of their education and the contrast this far on would be quite difficult for them.
It would be an adjustment but having kids their own age to socialise with while they learn is likely to have a positive effect on them. Won't you at least let them try?
DrSbaitso · 08/11/2021 18:15

@38andlost

I don’t know what your ideas of homeschooling is but “keeping them at home “ isn’t what it is. We’ve been doing it for ten years they have many friends and see many people of all ages outside of the home and on their own.
Then why would school be so traumatic?

What are you and your husband worried will happen?

pointythings · 08/11/2021 18:25

Unless there are major special needs involved I don't think your homeschooling ambitions are reasonable. Even if they were, how would you support yourself once your youngest turns 18? You'd be enduring 6 more years of misery for nothing.

BanTheMLMScam · 08/11/2021 18:26

On the benefits side.....as you haven't worked for years, the only benefit you would be able to claim is Universal Credit. This would encompass the standard element/child element/housing element payments, you cannot make a claim for housing benefit as mentioned by a previous poster.
However, because you are "fit to work' and your childrenvare school age your 'condition of entitlement' (COE) to claim UC would be on the basis that you are a jobseeker actively seeking work. If you decide that you cannot seek work dur to your home schooling commitments. then you would not be able to claim UC as you would have no COE.

Original poster
38andlost · 08/11/2021 19:17

Thank you for all the responses I won’t be responding any further as this has turned into questioning why we homeschool which isn’t what I wanted if anyone in similar circumstances has actually experienced what I’m going through please message other wise thanks for now x

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 08/11/2021 20:06

It's because, given the context, the reasons for homeschooling, and the reasons you won't consider ordinary school despite this potentially setting you free, could be relevant. In fact, a refusal to engage with the question, even to explain why you do it and why it's apparently irrelevant to the situation, just makes it sound more likely that something is up with that.

We can't force you to answer anything, but if the homeschooling is relevant to the issue - and it definitely sounds like it is - then you'll never find your solution as long as you ignore it.

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