Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and the booze

49 replies

Squibblety · 07/11/2021 22:32

I believe my DH has a drinking problem. He has always been a big drinker. Im worried about him. Hes 40. Overweight. Does no exercise and eats badly. Anyway, whenever i try to talk to him about the drinking, he shrugs it off. Says im a psycho for counting what drinks hes had in a session. Take today, hes started drinking around 2pm. Hes had 5 large cans, a glass of red wine, a whiskey (roughly 17 units). I think thats too much, hes got work in the morning 6am. Id say on average he drinks around 80-90 units a week.

He tells me im over reacting, i dont think so

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 07/11/2021 22:36

You're not. BUT it's his problem, not yours. Put bluntly, check what life insurance he has in place and make sure he has made a will.

Anything more than that is up to him.

MrsDoraDumble · 07/11/2021 22:41

Did his family drink? Is this a normal amount in his upbringing? It is too much but as PP says there’s nothing you can do about it but try to work out if this is a deal breaker for you. Sorry op, horrible situation to be in.

OverweightPidgeon · 07/11/2021 22:43

You’re not overreacting at all , sadly only he can address the problem and it sounds like he isn’t going to.

nimbuscloud · 07/11/2021 22:44

It is a problem
The question is what can you do?
Can you walk away?

Callisto1 · 07/11/2021 22:45

He definitely drinks too much if that is a normal day to him. If he continues like this he is likely to end up with serious health issues in the near future.
But you cannot make him stop unless he wants to himself. He seems defensive so you probably stand little chance getting through to him. I would have a serious think about what you will do if things don't get any better. I feel for you! Flowers

Unanananana · 07/11/2021 22:45

Does he drive in the morning after drinking that much? Make sure his life insurance is watertight.

Alcoholics cannot be changed. You will always be second to the bottle unless he chooses to change.

Pascal80 · 07/11/2021 22:45

Oh shit, that is some serious habitual alcohol abuse. Eventually he will lose his tolerance and become drunk after a few mouthfuls and then pass out early evening. Then the withdrawal and DTs. That could be a month or 30 years off. I've lived with it and lost a young brother to it and would advise anyone to leave immediately. No co-dependency, al-anon or anything like that - you didn't cause it and you can't solve it, and it's awful to live with. Sorry Flowers

Original poster
Squibblety · 07/11/2021 22:49

Yes his family are all big drinkers. Always have been, which was fun at first. I think it is a deal breaker for me now. I have children with him and weve been together 10 years so its not getting any better, seems to be getting worse in fact. I think its just the absolute denial he has about the fact he drinks too much and does have a problem. When its blatently there right in front of him. Ah just dont think i want to live like this anymore, feel sad for the kids

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 07/11/2021 22:51

It’s hard for children living with someone who prioritises drink
Are they aware ?

Original poster
Squibblety · 07/11/2021 22:54

Yes i they are aware. They have mentioned that dad just sits on the sofa drinking his beer

OP posts:
Original poster
Squibblety · 07/11/2021 23:04

Its almost like he hides it too. I will pop to the shop, i get home and notice hes had a can but there is no empty can or glass on the side. Glass has been washed up. Then he will open a beer but will almost do it quietly so i wont hear.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 07/11/2021 23:09

I'm so sorry OP, but if he's not interested in stopping, you can only look after yourself and the children

nimbuscloud · 07/11/2021 23:13

Would you consider leaving ?

MellowMelly · 07/11/2021 23:21

In my experience he won't stop until he knows it's a problem himself. My ex was a cider drinker. 8-10 pints every night on a week night without fail and about 16 pints on a Friday and Saturday. It was never worth me saying anything as it was met with denial. His kids mentioned it. My daughter noticed it. I noticed him clutching his side where his liver was and all the time him saying his drinking wasn't a problem. I called the doctor and got an anonymous note put on his records by the receptionist about his copious drinking so next time he ordered his medication or went to see a doctor then the doctor would see the note and hopefully help him. Then I split up with him.

The doctor did see that note and requested to see him for a 'health check up'. They did a liver profile and the results were that his liver was in distress. He was told he was not far off irreversible liver damage and to stop drinking. He is 6 months sober now.

But no, off his own back he wouldn't of stopped because he was still in denial until cold hard facts were presented to him.

Original poster
Squibblety · 08/11/2021 10:31

He wouldn't go to the doctors for a health check up. He received a letter from the GP when he turned 40 to go for a routine check up and he refused.

I am considering leaving. Its eating me up. Every time i turn around when hes at home hes got a drink in his hand. Its just getting on my nerves. The fact hes turning the issue round to me being so bothered by it. I just dont want my children growing up like this in this situation. But then, is it bad enough to leave? There is no DV, no arguments etc. he functions, goes to work etc. its just me, i feel unhappy about it. Maybe it is me

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2021 10:54

"I am considering leaving. Its eating me up. Every time i turn around when hes at home hes got a drink in his hand. Its just getting on my nerves. The fact hes turning the issue round to me being so bothered by it. I just dont want my children growing up like this in this situation. But then, is it bad enough to leave? There is no DV, no arguments etc. he functions, goes to work etc. its just me, i feel unhappy about it. Maybe it is me"

No its not you, its him. He is an alcoholic and you are currently at least, raising your children with an alcoholic father. Its no life for you or for them. And yes it is bad enough to leave. Do not just consider leaving; act on it. You in turn are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; namely enabler, codependent partner and provoker because you never forget. These roles do you no favours at all and in turn teach your children damaging lessons about relationships.

Get off the merry go around before you and your kids are further dragged down with him.

Your children know far more than you perhaps care to realise about their dad's drink problem and you yourself are unhappy. Your children will pick up on your unhappiness if they have not already. You as a result are not fully emotionally available to them. Your H may well be "functioning" (he really is not functioning at all) but for how long now?. Its not a question of if, its when life does come crashing down around your ears. He could also go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards. You cannot rescue and or save him but you can and should save your own self and your kids from this life of underlying misery and you firefighting the ongoing crisis.

Alcoholism is not called the "family disease" without good reason and you and your children are being profoundly affected by the alcoholic.
I would urge you to firm up plans to leave him and as soon as you are able. Do not necessarily wait until after Christmas either to see a Solicitor; that will be an occasion he will likely ruin for you all as well.

Would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to people affected by someone else's drinking. Read their literature at the very least and if possible attend their online meetings.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2021 10:59

Alcoholism can also be learnt and its of no real surprise either that he comes from a family of alcoholics as well. Your H's primary relationship is with drink, not with you and its never infact been with you. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

Re your comment:-
"I just don't want my children growing up like this in this situation".

Make the above your mantra and stick to it. Start planning your exit with due care and attention from your marriage to this alcoholic.

ftw163532 · 08/11/2021 11:01

If course it's bad enough to leave. Anybody would be struggling in your position, it's not some fault or weakness in your part that this has left you do unhappy.

Those feelings are a signal that something is wrong. Act on them.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 08/11/2021 11:02

In your shoes I would leave before the kids register this as normal just as he has done with his family.

I have a friend who has 'inherited' alcoholism from her father. It was normalised so she drinks every day starting at 10am. It wasn't until she was the witness at my wedding and she drank 21 pints of lager and was still lucid that I realised how hardened a drinker she actually was. I love her and would love for her to cut down but like her father, she is destined to an early grave.

Leave. Don't discuss it further. There's no point. See a lawyer, get up to speed with your rights and responsibilities and make the change for the kids as much as you.

ModMajGeneral · 08/11/2021 11:05

Put your children first. This is no way for them to live.

Poor you. Get in touch with Al-Anon for families of drinkers.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 08/11/2021 11:07

There's the cost of it as much as anything too.

Bananalanacake · 08/11/2021 11:30

Does he have any alcohol free days in the week?
If you were to suggest he goes without alcohol for a month, Stoptober or something, would the idea horrify him.
He must be spending lots of money on the booze, money that could be better spent on a family holiday. I also think it is best to leave, he will only stop if HE wants to.

pointythings · 08/11/2021 11:37

It's not you, it's him. And he won't change until he admits he has a problem.

The thing with functioning alcoholics is that they usually turn into non-functioning alcoholics. The fact that your DC see it as normal that their dad is drinking all the time is bad.

You need to listen to what Attila has to say - she knows her stuff. Contact Al-Anon or a similar group and get some support to get things clear in your head.

Ideally this would end with you leaving him sooner rather than later if (as is very likely) he doesn't stop.

I let it drag on for far too long and it did a hell of a lot of damage. My husband ended up dead - 12 days before the decree nisi came through.

Don't be me.

Original poster
Squibblety · 08/11/2021 11:39

Yeah i have tried to brush stuff under the carpet in the past, we have a rubbish weekend with him drinking and not supporting but come Monday and hes back to normal. Have a few drinks monday night as well as its Monday/works stressful/journey home was bad/football's on/hes having a curry and its the law if youre having curry right…any excuse and the cycle continues.

I have tried to leave in the past, put down the proverbial foot that things have to change. Hes on best behaviour for a few days then starts asking permission to have a beer at the weekend, its just so off putting like im his mum or something and hes a naughty child. Ive just had enough

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 08/11/2021 11:43

If I were you I’d leave if only to stop your kids seeing this. and it becoming their future.