DH and the booze

[Squibblety]

I believe my DH has a drinking problem. He has always been a big drinker. Im worried about him. Hes 40. Overweight. Does no exercise and eats badly. Anyway, whenever i try to talk to him about the drinking, he shrugs it off. Says im a psycho for counting what drinks hes had in a session. Take today, hes started drinking around 2pm. Hes had 5 large cans, a glass of red wine, a whiskey (roughly 17 units). I think thats too much, hes got work in the morning 6am. Id say on average he drinks around 80-90 units a week.

He tells me im over reacting, i dont think so

@Bananalanacake he tried to do dry jan with me a few years ago. He did around two weeks (and of that im not 100% sure it was completely dry). The sulking, moaning, pleading etc oh my word, it was pathetic

I’m 20 years ahead of you and I can assure you that it won’t change.
That is your future, unless you take another path.

@GoodnightGrandma ah sorry you are in the same position. Im saving as much as possible for my later years and cant bear the thought that retirement would revolve around drinking/the pub. Id hate to think he would spend my hard earned cash on that.

I find myself drinking hardly anything these days as someone has to be the responsible adult and lets face it, it wont be him. Tbh i prefer it. He stinks of booze and its even grosser when he tries it on. Er no thanks! Then looks hurt and wonders why not, even when I blatantly tell him

OP your children are growing up in a home with an alcoholic. Please do some reading up on how this will affect them as it might be the push you need to leave him.

I really feel for them as well as you. Growing up in a home where their dad stinks of booze and just sits on the sofa mindlessly drinking while their mum does everything.

It's such bad relationship modelling for them, you need to let that power your decision to leave.

OP - he’s a poor parent. What kind of parent are you? (Genuine question).

Change the locks and start living a better life.

Taking the long view if you don't leave - eventually he will retire and no longer have any reason to be sober at all. How's life going to be then for you?

You don't need his permission or agreement to end the relationship. If that's what you're waiting for you'll be in this position forever. If you're trying to use it as a threat to make him change it won't work - people need to be making a change like that for their own self and because they're ready and willing, not by seeing it as a tool to keep hold of another person. The latter is a recipe for dysfunction (for everyone involved tbh).

Leaving will involve grieving the end of the relationship and how you imagined your life would be. When you tentatively tried to initiate leaving previously, that grief would have started. It's understandable that the denial and bargaining elements of grief meant you got sucked in by the hope he would change and you could avoid any loss or feeling grief.

That didn't work out for you though. It won't ever work out. Yes, grieving is painful but it's also survivable. No emotion lasts forever, but if you avoid feeling them they can't drain away and you miss out on the chance to see you can cope. Feeling the painful emotions, watching them ease up, realising you can cope with them and survive them after all is what will give you strength.

You could see a solicitor. Gather information. Start making arrangements. Get your affairs in order. Get support for yourself. Make plans. Maybe visualise some of the elements of our future life if you feel able.

You don't have to decide and act and resolve everything all in a day. But once you start taking real steps to open up the choice to you of ending this and building yourself a different life it will feel more manageable to contemplate acting.

It's overwhelming you now because you're trying to think about every step of the process all at once - but it won't be like that. Focus on one thing at a time.

I think it is a good idea to prepare to leave now in case you do in the future.
Make sure you’ve got your own bank account with any child benefit being paid into it, etc
It does no harm to be prepared.

@GoodnightGrandma

I think it is a good idea to prepare to leave now in case you do in the future. Make sure you’ve got your own bank account with any child benefit being paid into it, etc It does no harm to be prepared.

Another good point.

Making preparations doesn't mean you have to leave - it simply gives you options.

Having read your updates, I think you should leave your DH sooner rather than later. You've watched the situation deteriorate for 10 years and have tried to intervene without much success. What else is there to do apart from leave?
I've seen these type of problem drinkers in my dad's friendship group and they don't age well. Do you really want to watch as he drinks himself to an early grave? Do you want your kids to watch it? As you say yourself he is not much of a father to them.

Apart from the health implications, does he drink drive? If he drinks so much he is probably rarely sober. He might look ok but I wouldn't want him to drive the kids in that state.

Sooner or later work will notice his drink problem. Will they turn a blind eye? Just because he's got away with living drunk so far doesn't mean this will always be the case. You don't want to be about when it all comes crashing down. You cannot save him!

If he can't manage a dry january without pleading after 2 weeks for a drink then he has a problem. It shouldn't be you or your DCs problem - he needs to want to stop for himself. Line up your ducks so that you can evaluate what legal and financial options you have.
ExBIL was a "life and soul of the party" drinker for years who then became a home/hidden drinker who tried to hide it from all of us but stank of booze/strong aftershave. We think he drinks to selfmedicate his depression. He finally got caught drink driving after taking the kids to school, lost his sales job, his family and home as SIL had enough and couldnt forgive him for driving the kids like that. I wish I could say he's now given up the booze but hear he only stops sporadically. It's such a shame all round.

You are absolutely right. I do need to sort out some legal advice. Where to start tho. Is there anything free eg a website to start with? I would struggle to find money for solicitors at the moment. Can you separate without fully getting divorced etc but without any responsibility for him eg if he runs up debts i wont be liable for them etc

Im not sure about money being a single parent but im sure we would manage. We both work full time on average wages but kids are at school so its after school childcare to pay for.

He could stay with parents for the short term. He has those who would house him.

He generally will drink two pints and drive after that. Im sure that takes him over the limit. He wont listen. This is what i mean, i have to be the responsible adult as he wouldnt sadly

Citizens Advice is a good place to start for trusted legal and practical information.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/sorting-out-money/help-with-legal-fees-when-you-separate

Citizens Advice also have good information on financial matters including things like benefits. They are a decent and trustworthy place to start with most things and can signpost you to other sources when needed.

The Money Advice Service can be useful in gathering and understanding information, especially if you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and want to be guided through what to think about.

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation?source=mas#

" Can you separate without fully getting divorced etc but without any responsibility for him eg if he runs up debts i wont be liable for them etc

You need to speak to a Solicitor about this.

Why would you at all want to separate from him without fully getting divorced?. Doing that won't do you any favours at all and just kicks the can down the road.

Phone a few Solicitors and see how the land lies re their charging structures. The Rights of Women organisation would be worth calling too and they can give you some legal advice.

Link here:-

rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Thank you for the links. I will take a look.

@AttilaTheMeerkat i just meant until i had enough money to pay for a divorce/legal fees. Im expecting it will be expensive

Am glad to have clarification from you on that point.

Divorcing him will be a both emotional and financial cost worth paying here. I think I am right in thinking that your Solicitors fees can come out from the financial settlement but they will be able to explain more.

Good on you also for deciding to check out those links.

Do you let him drive the kids ever? I really, really strongly suggest that you don't.

He's likely to be underselling the number of units he's having and even if he's not, two pints would usually make someone over the limit.

As someone who had their life ruined by a driver over the limit, people who do it routinely make me even sicker than those who do it as a one off.

Does he drive your kids anywhere ever?

@youvegottenminuteslynn on the very odd occasion he will drive the children. I say odd as he literally does his own thing. I do all childcare, taking to school, clubs at weekends etc. hes always had a drink so doesnt help me/cant be bothered to put himself out

@Squibblety

This is no dynamic for your kids to be around. They're learning so many damaging lessons about relationships. That women do all the childcare, cleaning and caring. That men do 'their own thing'. Many kids of alcoholics go on to have relationships with alcoholics and mirror the dynamic. You really do have to leave your partner, for their sake if not yours.

And if he's driving under the influence, which he is if he's had two pints of more, then report him at the time.

As I said, my life was ruined for a few years, and changed forever, because of a drink driver. It is so, so, so selfish. You don't seem that bothered about him drinking and driving but I appreciate you have a lot on your plate already.

@youvegottenminuteslynn please dont think im not bothered. I am and do not allow it. What i meant was, he does drive the following morning after a session the night before/after two pints in the pub

He needs his car to get to and from work so if he lost his licence he would be screwed. Ive told him if this happens through drinking, it wouldnt be the only thing he would lose, it would be me and the house too

[quote Squibblety]@youvegottenminuteslynn please dont think im not bothered. I am and do not allow it. What i meant was, he does drive the following morning after a session the night before/after two pints in the pub[/quote]
Then he's driving over the limit. If he's had two pints, he's over the limit. I won't me-rail any further but just wanted to encourage you to report him driving over the limit and absolutely not let him drive your kids at any time as his judgement sounds piss poor, his lack of care is evident, he is alcoholic and alcoholics always minimise them amount they've had to drink so you cannot trust him to drive responsibly.

This is no dynamic for your kids to be around. They're learning so many damaging lessons about relationships. That women do all the childcare, cleaning and caring. That men do 'their own thing'. Many kids of alcoholics go on to have relationships with alcoholics and mirror the dynamic. You really do have to leave your partner, for their sake if not yours.

This is also really important, especially if you have daughters I think.

Thank you for your advice. He does minimise the amount he drinks. Even when ive been counting and tell him, hes almost shocked that hes drank so much! Its outrageous and then i question myself but as im stone cold sober, i know im right

Especially with children involved (I'm the child of an alcoholic) I always advise to leave - no hesitation

It's no life for you and the dc and there's nothing you can do about it.

If he's driving to work report him for drink driving it he won't not drive. I've a relative who was hit by a drunk driver I have no tolerance for that shit!

The children WILL be aware don't be under any illusion that they're not. They will feel anxious, ashamed and worried about him

But then, is it bad enough to leave?

Yes. If you want a reason children growing up in a home of addiction in some studies are 30-40% more likely to develop an addiction themselves

He is drink driving - report his arse! Please! Before he kills someone or causes life altering injuries

His problem if he loses his job as a result not yours - honestly how would you feel if he hurt someone?