To ask how you find a nice, decent partner

[CharlieVictorCobalt]

Just wondering this. I'd ideally like a partner, but would rather stay single than go walking into a toxic or non-functional relationship.

Basically, those who are happily coupled, how did you find your partner? What were your green flags? What were your red flags?

I'm new to this whole dating thing, so any and all advice helps

I’m in the same position as you…. If you find out, please let me know. In the meantime, I’m getting a dog 🤣

For me, of course there are dickhead men out there, but the key thing is before you meet him. Know who you are and stop telling yourself lies about yourself, hoping things will manifest and that you will have someone swoop in and make you a better person

I know this is obvious. However, among my long term single friends who are actively looking (many are not looking at all) they are mostly not honest with themselves, the issues are always the man's fault. Of course the dicks are there but that doesn't exempt us from doing the self work too. For me it was a 10 yr journey of being single but am now sort of coming out of the woods

I met, 3yrs ago, the dp I couldn't imagine even existed. How? Well, I can only explain that I finally liked myself and decided I didn't 'need' anyone to make me happier than I was. I threw myself into enjoying my life and met my dp along the way. Can honestly, wholeheartedly, say I can clearly see his faults and have no desire to change him, and won't change who am am, accept him for who is and am confident in who I am. We both talk freely about the fact neither of us ever envisioned a relationship where we could feel so happy as a couple and as individuals.

I did OLD but approached it coolly and calmly, swiped left ruthlessly, happily messaged first, and as soon as a sensible conversation was established I asked for a date - I went on a lot of dates! Messages with now BF were different, he was articulate, both interested and interesting, assertive, did not mess me about...and proved the same in person. But really, whatever works for you is fine - that's the point in fact!

I met DH online - on the cesspit that is internet dating! I’d pretty much decided to give up as it wasn’t really working for me but they chucked me a free month or something and I went along with it and DH messaged me and that was that really.

Honestly I was pretty happy with my life, with myself and I was busy making my own plans at that point. I knew I really wanted a family but I was kind of over looking for ‘the one’ - I knew I’d be ok whether I found someone or not at that point. That isn’t meant to be the whole cliche of ‘it’ll happen when you stop looking’ or anything like that, but more that I wasn’t going to take any crap or try to make something work that wasn’t good enough because I knew I’d be fine on my own and didn’t need to do that.

Green flags? - felt able to be totally myself from the off, he wanted the same things as me, he showed he was keen and always phoned/ messaged/ made plans etc but never in an OTT love bombing type way. Happy to introduce me to his friends (who all patently adored him) and family, happy to meet mine. Liked that I had my own interests, plans etc and had some of his own too. Never spoke negatively about exes/ other women in his life. Just all very straightforward and easy, no games or angst.

And most importantly loved my dog who loved him back.

Met mine on Twitter. We were Twitter mates for a number of years, made each other laugh, no dodgy DMs or anything, just friendship. I was going through some things, I said next time he was in my city we should go for a pint. He came up, we went for a pint and everything just clicked. Took us another month or so to admit to that we fancied each other, but the rest is history. Two years later we are planning a future together. He is brilliant and the best friend I’ve ever had.

As much as Twitter is a cesspool full of creeps, there are some decent people on there and he would never have made a move on me until I’d very explicitly said “I fancy you”. It’s a good place to find like minded people. I realise I did strike it lucky.

I met my DH the old fashioned way, by chance, we started chatting.
I’d had a horrible boyfriend before him and been single for a while as it made me very wary.
I took note of how he behaved towards other people as much as how he treated me, e.g. he helped old ladies on buses, or women struggling with pushchairs. He was kind to other people, a polite driver who let pedestrians cross the road, he didn’t make unkind comments . He was nice to animals, and small children. He was polite to waiting staff in restaurants.
Men can be on their best behaviour when trying to charm a woman, but they give themselves away in how they treat others, or talk about other people.

Go for the ugly blokes. They're less likely to be arseholes and will always appreciate you for picking them.

I met my husband online, on plenty of fish. We didnt chat much before we met up, and had a 4 hour coffee date as our first date. We asked all the big questions, do you want kids, etc. I knew we were on the same page after that. We've been together nearly 7 years (married nearly 4) and he truly is the one person i want to spend my life with. I feel comfortable and safe with him, and trust him completely. Hes my best friend, and an amazing father.

@altmember

Go for the ugly blokes. They're less likely to be arseholes and will always appreciate you for picking them.

This is crap advice. So shitty and disrespectful. Men should not feel grateful for your charity or pity. They deserve love and respect as women do. Find someone you fancy.

I do agree with being happy with yourself and really strong boundaries.
I see so many times on here and in real life, men and women people settling with people they don’t hate who’ll agree to have children in their time scales or facilitate them moving out of parents/house shares quickly.
I think it’s much easier to be happy alone and find someone who genuinely improves your life rather than facilitates your itinery.

I did OLD. It worked for me as I was honest, and didn't make things up to try and make myself sound more exciting/normal than I am! It was before the days of filtered photos anyway but I made sure to use ones that were nice but realistic.

I based my decisions on interests and comparability first and looks second. I do think some people rule out perfectly lovely guys just because of one aspect of their appearance. I have some friends who are unbelievably shallow in this regard, and then wonder why they have nothing in common with their dates!

Met my husband on there and we now have 2 kids. Never looked back.

I'd just come out of a 4 year relationship and knew what I didn't want. I was online dating on Plenty of Fish and would make the first move if someone interested me. Any warning signs or red flags I would immediately stop talking to them, I even cancelled a date as I realised he wasn't right for me.

I spoke to my now husband for several weeks before meeting and after a few dates I knew I liked him. We've been married for 3.5 years and I'm 35 weeks pregnant.

There was a selection process but there was also a degree of luck. My ex I met at university, was maybe less experienced and he ended up being a compulsive gambler and made me miserable so I didn't pick well that time!!

I can only speak for myself, but DP & I met at university and were good mates for years and in relationships with other people before we got together. I’m someone who has always had friends who happened to be male, so this was perfectly normal for me.

Our relationship evolved out of our friendship rather than any passionate physical / ‘spiritual’ / whatever connection and we are still, first & foremost, best mates.

Another one for POF. I was being very discerning about who I was talking to after a string of ghastly first dates. He was very respectful and we developed a friendship first. We only talked online for about four days before meeting, though. I wasn't about stringing it out for weeks just to waste my time.

Watching with interest...

I've decided to go down the solo parent route via a sperm donor aged 38/39 (I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant). I didn't want to take the risk with someone who I didn't truly fancy/didn't know very well etc. so now the panic of meeting someone is no longer there.

@lastqueenofscotland
Very true! I've observed what you've written about regarding settling...

I'm trying to remember what's it like dating without having to 'escalate a relationship' ?! For the last 10 years that's all I'd been doing before getting pregnant... I'd like someone for 'them' - not as a 'pseudo daddy' to my child/I don't want to get married again/I can't see myself living with someone and my child now for a good while.. I'd like to try together living apart model...it's basically what the men I used to date offered me before but I was interested in having a family with so it was a no-go...

I think meeting someone you have a good connection with (emotion/physical), overall chemistry and generally feel content in their company is still going to be like looking for a needle in a haystack!

I met my husband on match nearly 7 years ago and he is amazing.

I met my boyfriend in lockdown, after a bad accident. I am involved with a charity and he approached for legal advice for a colleague. Once the formalities were over, we both zoomed until I had a chance meeting near him. We met up and boom...knew beforehand. I would be happy to be single forever, as relationships are something else to bolt on a busy life. However, he is cool and I love him. He loves me too. In the context of family bereavement, severe life changing injuries and a stressful life transition...he is therapy! He tells me he loves me everyday, but not in a needy way. He is not perfect and he drives me mad sometimes, but the feeling is there and we are besties too.

I met my husband on Match 8 years ago. Both of us had been burned by our previous relationships and weren't even seriously looking.

He was so kind and easygoing and we never had any game playing, we answered each others texts as soon as we could and spoke on the phone between 1st and 2nd dates. We had so much fun from the first moment we met and 8 years later, still do. Most importantly we have always been kind, respectful and loving to each other and always put the other one first.

I think we just met at the right time in our lives as well as I actually don't think we'd have got far if we'd met even a few years earlier - I was a bit of a party girl and I don't think he'd have liked me much.

I definitely didn't need any more game playing, insecurity or jealousy in my relationships!

Met on tinder which I know is a real minefield.

I met people in person soon after matching rather than being penpals and creating a false sense of knowing the other person.

Entertained zilch that made me uncomfortable. Or anxious. Or dubious. Nada. It's a numbers game to an extent so you need to be ruthless.

Unless you feel sure you're on the same page, you aren't.

Conversations about exclusivity, pace, moving in etc should feel easy because you're on the same page. If you can't talk about sex or future plans easily then it's not a goer.

Basically play a numbers game and be ruthless. It's only right if it's easy.

Just adopt a rescue animal... far less hassle and way more appreciative and loving

My now DP started out as a casual friend, who became a good friend, who became one of my very best friends. As some point, we started fancying one another too. I'm very glad it worked out that way.

Friend of a friend. He showed me pictures of his dog in the pub.

Be confident

Don’t be too nice/kind/cool/chill/laid back

Don’t think you can change people

Articulate what you want. Don’t assume anything. Speak up if anything bothers you

Dating is a getting to know you process, so don’t become attached after a couple of dates. Date multiple people and don’t fall for exclusivity bullshit

Learn that kindness and dependability are not weaknesses

Know your own biases

I don't Even know How to date , let alone meet anyone nice . I was with my husband from age 17 and I ended the marriages after 25 years of abuse , I am on dating apps but I can't pluck up the courage to reply to people and I rarely go out unless it's work or the school run 😂 I am destined to be an old maid with 100 Cats or something .