DP's best 'friend' - WWYD?

[DuzzyFuck]

Just looking for outside opinions on a situation that bothers me but I'm not sure I can do much about.

Soon to be DH has a best friend of many years standing (I've also known him albeit much less well for years before I met DP).

Unfortunately, the guy is a waste of space. Nearly 40, dead end admin job despite being an intelligent guy, perpetually broke, always involved in some drama with some woman or other (often more than one at a time).

He consistently lets my DP down with plans, is often downright rude to him by text or in public, has (long in the past) shagged a very recent ex-girlfriend of DPs, frequently asks to borrow money etc. Happy to be bankrolled for drinks / dinner when he 'needs to talk' or 'can't afford to go out until payday' but never ever returns the gesture. Texts DP his relationship dramas at all hours of the day & night. In addition to all this he drinks too much, too often, in inappropriate situations and is frequently an obnoxious and attention seeking drunk - this isn't really an issue for the friendship but it doesn't help matters.

From the other side, DP moans about him but just sits back and lets himself be a doormat and I can't understand why, except for him being far too kind to be mean to anyone, no matter how much they deserve it. He doesn't have loads of friends but the rest are all really good guys.

I absolutely don't want to be the Partner that dictates who he can and can't be friends with but it makes me so mad & defensive to watch him be walked over again and again and keep going back for more like a puppy It's getting harder to bite my tongue.

WWYD in this situation please?

I'd ask him to out his phone on silent or do not disturb overnight. Other than that not much. You can't really dictate his friends. You may find once you get married and have dc (if that's in the pipeline) they may naturally drift apart anyway.

I would have a rethink if there is going to be 3 of you in the marriage.

I think I would find it ultimately unattractive to wstch my partner make a tit of himself over a complete user and loser.

Do you have shared finances? If not will you once you’re married?

Have you talked to him about how you feel his friend is using him? I honestly don’t think there’s much else you can do apart from telling him you’re worried about him being walked over and taken advantage of.

I'd stay well out of it. He's a grown man who can choose his own friends.

Like it or lump it, I would say

Your other complaints about this bloke sound perfectly valid but you lost me at “dead end admin job”

Nothing you can do.

Bit of a cheek to say dead end admin job though

@billy1966 That's not the case at all; he's not a constant presence. It's on my mind today because they were supposed to meet for a drink last night & surprise surprise, DP was let down.

@AnneLovesGilbert Not at the moment, after marriage we'll have a combination of joint and our own. He can do what he wants with his own.

@Fadingout Yeah I have. Sometimes more strongly than others. He'll admit it's all one-way but shrugs it off.

@AnyFucker @Moonshine11 Apologies; I worded that very badly. It's not a dead-end job at all, he's got multiple options for progression or promotion in his industry, he just doesn't take them because he can't be bothered, so remains in an entry-level role. He's made it dead-end for himself.

Very recent ex of dp, eh

Ah, I 're read.

Frustrating as this is op, not much you can do.

Has he got something on dp

Thanks for the clarification

@Sillawithans Yeah it was years back, sorry if that wasn't clear.

Interesting point but I really don't think so. DP is just kind to a fault; he'd do anything for anyone and can't bring himself to be confrontational and risk offending anyone.

DP is just kind to a fault; he'd do anything for anyone and can't bring himself to be confrontational and risk offending anyone.

Well you'll just have to put up with it then won't you.

The friendship and bond between them may be deeper than you see from your surface perspective. He may have shown your DP friendship in the past in ways you don't know and your DP may see qualities that balance his failings. Life long friendships can feel like family. They drive you mad at times but you don't abandon them easily. Just set boundaries so it doesn't impact you.

Just bite your tongue and stay out of it.

We have to learn for ourselves who to keep in our lives and who to get rid of and of your DH hasn’t figured this out for himself yet then he’s not going to listen to what you say.
He’ll see the light eventually.

I would be worried about being with someone with such poor taste in friends.
You can tell a lot about people from the company they keep

@vajingleberry And I will. I think I just wanted a rant here because if it were much less tolerant me I'd have told him to go fuck himself long ago and it's frustrating not being able to.

DP has recently got better at standing up to his Sister when appropriate (she's not a dick, just has a tendency to railroad family plans to suit herself and he's always just gone along with it) so maybe there's hope he'll start to stand up to his friend a bit too.

Thanks @5128gap, that's an interesting angle and I'll bear it in mind.

Tell DP you're not interested in hearing about his pal. Interrupt any moaning about his pal letting him down or behaving unreasonably. When your DP can't use you as a sounding board, the penny might drop.

@MrsKeats That's the odd thing, his other friends are all lovely guys (including, thank god, his Best Man. I think it's quite telling that he hasn't asked his 'best' friend to fill that role?).

Oh that's good. Was going to ask about the best man thing.
Is it he's got a bit of a rescuer syndrome thing?
Trying to help this guy and not give up?

Have you had a proper conversation about why he’s still friends with the let down King? One where you don’t start off saying what a waster he is (as I would, I’m not tolerant of freeloading assholes, had to put one of DH’s friends to rights when he always ‘forgot his wallet’, ‘hasn’t been to the cashpoint’ when we met up in London, no way were we bankrolling him!) What is your dh getting out of the relationship or is it just habit/he feels sorry for the guy?

I think it's a bit misplaced loyalty because they've been friends for so long, and maybe DP does feel sorry for him too. I think they were both somewhat kindred spirits when they met, but DP has grown up and made an independent & successful life, while Best Friend is no different now to when we were all in our very early 20s.

He's been dealt some shit cards in life, but he's also (actively and brazenly) used those shit cards to procure sympathy shags, which vastly reduces my level of empathy for him.

We've mostly spoken about it when there's been an 'event' (standing DP up for an arrangement for example) so perhaps I'll wait and try and broach it with him sensibly and without emotion at a later date.

Thanks for all responses.

Hmm. Would put me off if my Dh was so wet. No one treats Dh badly it’s one of the things I admire about him. If they do he bins them immediately and has taught our dds to be the same. It’s refreshing.

Mind your own business. These are your opinions and not his. Why do you get to tell him who he should and should not be friends with. You sound bossy and overbearing.

I'm the same as your DH, and if I had to really honestly write a list of 'cons' for DP it would be that he can be too passive (he's perfect in the majority of other ways).

That said, I can definitely be TOO defensive and am very capable of holding a grudge for millennia, so hopefully if we have DC our influences will balance each other out

I also hope that in time I can help him be more assertive and he can help me be more forgiving!