DP's best 'friend' - WWYD?

[DuzzyFuck]

Just looking for outside opinions on a situation that bothers me but I'm not sure I can do much about.

Soon to be DH has a best friend of many years standing (I've also known him albeit much less well for years before I met DP).

Unfortunately, the guy is a waste of space. Nearly 40, dead end admin job despite being an intelligent guy, perpetually broke, always involved in some drama with some woman or other (often more than one at a time).

He consistently lets my DP down with plans, is often downright rude to him by text or in public, has (long in the past) shagged a very recent ex-girlfriend of DPs, frequently asks to borrow money etc. Happy to be bankrolled for drinks / dinner when he 'needs to talk' or 'can't afford to go out until payday' but never ever returns the gesture. Texts DP his relationship dramas at all hours of the day & night. In addition to all this he drinks too much, too often, in inappropriate situations and is frequently an obnoxious and attention seeking drunk - this isn't really an issue for the friendship but it doesn't help matters.

From the other side, DP moans about him but just sits back and lets himself be a doormat and I can't understand why, except for him being far too kind to be mean to anyone, no matter how much they deserve it. He doesn't have loads of friends but the rest are all really good guys.

I absolutely don't want to be the Partner that dictates who he can and can't be friends with but it makes me so mad & defensive to watch him be walked over again and again and keep going back for more like a puppy It's getting harder to bite my tongue.

WWYD in this situation please?

@vajingleberry

DP is just kind to a fault; he'd do anything for anyone and can't bring himself to be confrontational and risk offending anyone.

Well you'll just have to put up with it then won't you.

OP,

I don't see be so kind to a fault and allowing oneself to be used, and taken advantage of, an admirable character trait.

For me it's a real weakness that could become very tedious in real life.

YOU however sound clued in.

Don't underestimate how frustrating it can be to live with a weak man, long term.

Not wanting to upset anyone is the type of trait that means YOU will not be a team.

Everything will be down to YOU to sort out as he doesn't like conflict and standing up for himself or you.

I'm not being argumentative, I'm just pointing out being married to someone who accepts awful behaviour can be exhausting.

My oh has a friend simillar to this.

I basically now answer every "can you believe X has done this" rant with - yes I can believe X has behaved in the exact same way he has for the 15 years we've been together.

If he ver lends X money and doesn't get it back I show no sympathy. I've found Einstein's "insanity is Doing the same thing and expecting a different result" quote comes in useful.

Basically, you can't dictate who he spends time with, I also think my OH now just enjoys moaning about X and would miss having f something to rant about if they weren't friends

@billy1966 Thanks for your very insightful response, but honestly this friend just seems to be his Achilles heel.

In all other respects I've honestly never felt so much a part of a team as I do with him. We compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses well.

As an example his kindness often means it's him that remembers or suggests something a friend of ours might like as a gift when a birthday comes round, where as Ieft to my own devices I'd just get them something generic because I don't naturally give it the same level of thought.

I can see your dilemma, on one hand you don't want to dictate to your DP,

BUT
frequently borrows money, expects dinner and drinks to be bankrolled and contacts your DP all hours of the day and night with his dramas.

All of these things really do affect you if you re formally joining your lives together.
DP lending to someone who never pays back is actually taking money away from your own joint household - you yourself could end up paying more for other things because money is going to the friend.

Ask DP to Add up how much money has gone to this friend over the last few years. If your DP doesn't know, you can at least ask him to keep a record from now on, and also ask your DP why he continues to subsidize single man with a steady job. Not paying for meals and drinks out indicates that the friend has got use to the bank of DP.

He's also an "obnoxious drunk" and you will be expected to invite him to things as he is DP's friend.
DP makes arrangements and is constantly let you, you may have made arrangements around DP's and so your plans will be scuppered too.
If DP is determined to keep what appears to be a one sided friendship, you need to discuss a plan for how he can improve it going forward. This might be an eye opener for DP. If he really wants to be a friend, he could encourage the friend to deal with his drinking problem.
Operating a 24 hour advice line for the Friend's dramas, also affects you and your relationship with DP eating into sleep or relaxing time you could be spending with DP. At the very least get an iphone cut off and agree that DP doesn't have to jump to respond if its "out of hours"

It sounds like you are marrying a lovely kind man. Everyone’s got someone crap in their lives. A crap parent, sibling, mate, work colleague…it’s not unusual. Try not to know anything about him. Be not interested. Have a couple of ground rules. As a compromise. He’s not allowed to the house and DPs not allowed to give him money. I think those are fair enough. Even his own money after you’re married. Buying someone dinner is fine but not giving cash. Me and my DH have the rule we don’t give anyone cash. We will help people out but our money is ours. I had a mate ask me to give her rent money and I said no. We don’t do that. It’s a boundary and I think that’s fair enough

Two excellent posts above to consider.

What I would say to you is, be aware.

Your partner may not have your boundaries but YOU do.

There is a lot to be gained about deciding what your boundaries are, particularly as you are married.

How would you feel if he wanted to tap your husband for a couple of thousand?

With friends like that it is very easy for them to ask.

How would you feel about him wanting to give family money to this friend?

These things cause real conflict in relationships.

My friend had it last year and she was very upset.

They have a holiday home that they use and rent out to fund.
It's in a lovely spot.

Her husband's friend (fairweather friend) asked to use it for 2 weeks last Sept for free, husband said yes, WITHOUT checking with my friend.

Now they would easily rent it for that period.

Her husband felt they should give it to him but my friend was adamant that he wasn't having it.

He had borrowed it before and hadn't left it the way he found it.

Husband was being guilted and was being a bit grumpy with my friend who wasn't giving in about it.

They are normally a very happy couple but she was very very unhappy to be put in the position of saying "No, not happening".

As an aside she does all the admin/organising for the house.

He didn't get to use it, but my friend was very clear with her husband that she was deeply unhappy with him saying Yes without checking with her.

It's a shared asset that she does all the work for.

As I said they are normally a very happy couple and SHE was very surprised how easy it was for out of nowhere for them to suddenly have real upset in their relationship.

Her husband gets it now, but only because she made it very clear he had over stepped in their relationship.

Boundaries are very important.

Thank you for the really insightful replies. Just to add, while this friend asks to borrow money, it's been a long time since DP has actually lent it. Certainly not since we started living together and got engaged. He does often buy the drinks when they're out, but I'd do the same for a friend who was struggling for money (just not every single time, or if I knew they were struggling purely because they'd pissed it all away!).

He is endlessly kind and I know for a fact that if I made it a 'him or me' ultimatum he would choose me, but I'd never ever want to put him in that position.

I'm just going to keep reminding him, gently, that he deserves better than this from someone who calls them-self a friend and hope that he starts to agree in time.

Thanks again for the kind & measured responses.