Online dating. Too soon since separation. Hurt by rejection.

[mrsnec]

Hi all,

I separated from my Husband in August. I moved back to the UK to an area where I don't know anyone. I'm staying with my parents until I can get into my new house. I'm lonely. My divorce is extremely stressful.

I thought I'd try OLD. I've done it before. It worked then, one of my friends in the same situation as me also had a great success story and is all over IG with posh second wedding pics. So I think what have I got to lose? I could do with an ego boost if nothing else.

But I've got exactly the opposite and I think my mental health is taking a setback because of it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I think I need to step away from it. I'm still in the cooling off period so I could try and get my money back and then find something else to focus on but I find I just want to keep checking it all the time and it's doing my head in!

You've answered your own question I think?
If OLD is unsettling you, it is way too soon.
Is ok to be single for a bit, life is not a race.
Do things that make you happy and help you heal.

I think you know yourself - it is probably a bit too soon for you.
Maybe step away for a while and focus on sorting other areas of your life out? You have a lot going on right now

You’ve done it before so I’m surprised you have forgotten what to expect.

OLD is not easy … We need to be thick-skinned and resilient, and try to stay optimistic

Good luck with your new life, x

I've had loads of visitors to my profile. I've also got hundreds of matches.

None of them interacted with me at all.

So I contacted a few. One bloke told me he was flattered but chatting to a few women at the moment and wished me all the best.

Another gave me his phone number and asked me out straight away and has ignored me since I said I'd rather chat for a bit first.

Another one I was chatting with for 3 hours. He's not been in touch again for days and is still living with his ex.

So is this the way it is now? This wasn't my experience at all last time. And I've faffed about with my profile loads.

Just asking the question so I can prepare myself for when I am ready.

Interesting you’re finding it different now…

I’m mid-50s, married for 30 years - new to OLD earlier this year. Big learning curve! Loads of men wanting ONS, and sending inappropriate msgs (flattering to my ego at first, but not what I’m looking for - might be what you were hoping for to cheer you up and give you confidence boost?)

Main problem is I don’t fancy the men who contact me - and now I’ve started being brave enough to send the first message - the men I like don’t seem to want me!

I’ve realised this is a numbers game and meeting someone decent might require lots of ‘frogs’ and therefore possibly take a long time (few years even).

I’m not getting any younger -or more attractive! - and don’t want to grow old alone so I’ve now decided to start putting some effort in. Hence I started a thread on here earlier asking for advice specific to my age group.
I’ll be following this one too - curious to see what to expect from other experiences
How was it before then? Were people more serious about finding a partner?

With my last experience of OLD, I didn't have to make the first move with anyone. There was interest in my profile and I liked the ones who liked me. Nobody was flaky, eveyone turned out to be exactly who they said they were and they weren't pushy.

I had 2 dates that didn't work out and then connected with one bloke who I chatted to for ages before I met him in person. He bought his flatmate along to our first date and so did I for moral support. I fell for his flatmate and he for mine and I was with his flatmate for 5 years!

This time I've cast the net quite wide. I've set my age limit for 38-55 (I'm 43) and 200 mile radius!

The thing that's upsetting me is with so many matches and visitors to my profile something is putting them off I don't know what it is, is it my looks? My weight? (I'm not huge I'm a size 14) it's not good for someone who's self esteem is already on the floor.

And there's loads who I've sent compliments too or a smile and had no reaction at all. That didn't happen last time.

Also their profiles. Most of them seem like walking buckets of cliches!

Maybe it is the 200 mile radius that is putting people off! I have met a bloke OLD that I like but he is 70 miles away and arranging a meet a major hassle, I’ve seen him twice in a month. Next time I am going for a 20 mile radius.

It's a numbers game. And it's like being in a sweet shop. Everyone is browsing.

You need to see it for what it is. Lots of people wanting something casual. One night stands and also there is a reason people of a certain age are single. Some are of course genuine. Others have been thrown back because they are arse holes.

Don't widen your net. Are you really going to date someone 200 miles away. Be specific in your mind what you are looking for. Be thick skinned. Don't be afraid to send the first message. But also quickly knock the wrong uns on the head quickly.

Consider it as an opportunity to meet new people. Don't go into it with the mind frame of being long term.

There are a lot of chancers. Game players and married men in old. You really do need to Wade through them.

Different age demographic but I know from my daughter's experience of online dating, nothing ever good came from it. She met a lovely man in a real life situation.

I just think it takes time to meet the right person. We wouldn’t expect to meet a compatible man immediately in real life and it’s the same online. I’d also decide what your boundaries are in advance - for example, maybe chatting online for 3 hours isn’t the best way to get to know someone if it makes you feel bad if it doesn’t lead to more contact. Also, work on your self esteem so you don’t put too much emphasis on what online men think of you.

I do understand how mentally draining it is as I met my husband OLD and it took a couple of years of dating and a failed relationship before I met him. Wishing you good luck!

I had heard it's a numbers game but its not one I'm keen on so far. 354 matches and only 3 with a vague interest and I had to persue them? I don't like those odds!

So of those 3 the one furthest away was the one who told me he wasn't interested. Desperate Dan was local and the one I was chatting with for ages was 100 miles away from me but in an area I know and visit regularly.

I have interacted with loads who are apparently local. Quite a few of them in the town I'm moving to and they're the ones that are ignoring me. Ideally I'd like to meet someone in the real world and not go through this and I'm hoping what I've seen online isn't a good representation of what the blokes are like down here!

Is it the same on every site? I chose the one I'm on because I thought it was the other end of the scale from Tinder and I know success stories from it but I'm so dissapointed.

You to have to be very emotionally robust and frankly , horny to get on with OLD
I wouldn’t say never again
But you have to be in a good place and not really caring
I’ve deleted mine , the minute they don’t feel right , delete and pause

I agree OLD can be quite hard on you mentally, I'm not thick skinned enough and probably quite naive so I hated it. I deleted my profile a while ago and won't go back.

Old has changed over time, im not on it any more and haven't been for about 1.5 years. I preferred hinge when I was. Much more conversational, rather than straight to the 'I fancy you, do you fancy me' bit... but probably requires a city nearby. I was 43 last time I was on

As others have said it really is like wading through chaff you cant set much store by it. I have heard there are a lot more flakes now. Possibly the pandemic has really dented a lot of peoples interest in actually going out and meeting?

The dating thread on here is useful. I would say until you have a self esteem of iron it isn't helpful. Folk drop out. Flake. Send inappropriate messages. Are married or have gfs. Lie about height/age/housing situation. It took me 3 years all in to find a decent man, who was definitely separated, where we mutually fancied each other, and who was stable. Took regular breaks. In the end I knew id be fine single the rest of my days.

OP when I came out of a long term relationship I went hell for leather with OLD. I was 50 at the time. I was hooked at logging on and chatting, dating, getting flaked on, ignored but I was in such a bad place I thought I would feel better if anyone would give me attention. If I could go back and have a stern word with myself I would say to stop with OLD and spend a good length of time being comfortable being alone. The manic OLD I was doing definitely prolonged my healing from my previous relationship. So, I would recommend you step away until you have a home of your own, settled and can take or leave a relationship. You will then be strong enough for the rejections and flakes that are out there. Good luck OP.

Well I'm certainly not in the slightest bit horny at the moment. I was looking for a bit of a flirt/ego boost. Maybe someone to help show me around and make new friends. I am in exactly the same situation as I was last time. I.e. moving back to the UK from abroad to a new area where I don't know anyone.

I'm in the SW. I will be living in a town between the two big cities here so I'm not sure what hinge will be like here.

I even went for older blokes than normal thinking they'd be more polite and less flaky and the local ones are quite attractive but their profiles have mid-life crisis written all over them! Ie blokes in thier 50s up a mountain or throwing themselves out of a plane. Also lots of students and people who have retired early. It's all quite odd.

So yes I might be better working on myself for now and trying a different site it was just that another friend is 4 months in and found the harmless flirtation was helping her but I feel like I can't even get to that stage. Why are they looking at my profile and not reacting to it?

Can you get your friend to look at your profile and see if she can tweak it? Does she still have hers up and you could compare? Might be worth a shot. When I had my profile up I made it as funny as possible, I bullet pointed who I was and what I wanted and didn’t want. Straight to the point in a humorous way. I also matched those ridiculous mid life crisis photos (minus the goddam “look at the size of the fish I caught”) photos with stuff I do out doors and indoors. It did the trick as I had lots of attention and had 2 or 3 dates a week booked and in was in my early 50s at the time. I had some wonderful dates and some clangers but sadly I hadn’t worked through my grief from the previous relationship to build anything.

I'm not sure if my friend still has her profile up still. I think I will talk to her again. I will have to tell her I did a massive U turn on it because I had told her I never want to compete for a bloke's attention ever again. But it's done wonders for her resilience and confidence so absolutely yes if she's getting more attention than I am it absolutely could be down to her profile. She is in a different part of the country from me though.

It's quite hard for me to show who I am. I've spent the last 7years being an SAHM and running my husband's business with him. I don't have the DC with me at the moment so I don't know what to say about myself and even though the blokes do it I didn't want to bang on about my kids in my profile and whilst I'm not particularly outdoorsy I did match the midlife crisis pics with a pic of me on a boat because I like boats and have a powerboat license but a bird with one of those probably isn't a novelty round here.

So I felt my profile was well thought out and honest. Where I'd originally said I wasn't working because I was 'finding my feet and myself ' I changed it to 'on a career break and financially independent '

It was suggested upthread that I think about what I want and this causes yet another dilemma. Even though my marriage I've been pining for an ex from years ago when I was at university. We broke up because I'd been told he'd committed a crime. I recently found out he hadn't. I googled him and found he'd gone on to have a very successful career and still looks exactly as I remember him. Nobody I've seen online measures up to him. His FB page doesn't mention a partner and I'm very tempted to send him a friend request but I'd have to prepare myself for that too.

I'm still in two minds about if I cancel EH. I've had a couple of new matches one I do like (local so obligatry kayak pic) but I'm going to leave that for now. I also had another rejection yesterday. Bloke I'd sent a smile to sent a 'goodbye ' straight back.

Saying all that, I definitely take on board everything being said about working through grief. It's hard when I'm staying with my parents who are constantly nagging me to 'pull myself together' not what you want as a 43 year old woman!

I am recently divorced with few friends. I joined Meet Up in order to make friends and have joined a netball league. I also joined OLD although I don't feel ready to meet anyone yet. I would say make friends, get some new interests then you may meet someone naturally but if you don't you will care less about OLD if you have a friends and interests in the new city. I'm not sure EH is the best one for your age. I would suggest Hinge.

Thanks @jellyshoeshurtmyfeet. I will have a look at Meet up. I've been having another mooch around the place today and I've joined some local FB groups and there does appear to be stuff going on so I'm hoping I can find something to get involved with.

Same thing still happening on EH today so I'm going to try and cancel it tomorrow. Had a brief look at Hinge. Can't really get my head around it. Set the peramiters wrong by mistake and got likes from blokes half my age so perhaps I'm not an old duffer after all but it did make me a bit sad that fit blokes even that young are on dating sites.

Everyone's on dating sites these days. Hinge does initially set the parameters really bloody wide and you feel like you're in cougarville until you fiddle with the settings.

If I have one singular piece of advice its....dont bother texting a man first. Not even sending a smiley. Just dont even bother. People can go on about archaic stereotypes but if you spend any time OLD you'll know that men have a habit of swiping right on everyone. A match means nothing. Its when you match them that you see if its a genuine match. E.g. they message you.

@supercali77 That's what I thought but is everyone really that thick skinned?

Anyway EH subscription cancellation email sent. I'm aware they could give me some grief about it but hopefully it won't be too bad. I've resisted the urge to send any more smiles/messages and I'll step away from that for a bit.

I've faffed about with Hinge and no interest whatsoever. Is it worth paying the extra for that when I feel I'm ready? So for now I'm thinking of not bothering to delete it yet but perhaps paying to boost my profile once I've moved and settled?

I dont think e harmony is well thought of tbh, or wasn't when I was dating. Nor match either...

Re hinge yeah id wait till you're where you're living. But also. I found...with tinder at least. If I didnt use it for a while or swiped left a lot jt would get very 'dead' so I'd delete it and start again and it would go back to having more matches. (And then swiping left all the time again 😂). Id be inclined to delete it and restart if you are off it for a while.

I had a really good experience with match.com, there were a few odd balls (nothing seriously bad). I recently recommended it to a friend who has met some nice blokes too.

You need a thick skin with old, rejection, general rudeness, lying is all common. BUT there are genuine amazing people on these sites, I met a few interesting men, had some really bad experiences then I met dp - I messaged first btw. The paid for site I used had far less options than the free ones of course but they were serious enough to pay circa £20 a month to be registered, the free ones had a lot of downright liars on there

Oh and I had a 200 mile radius, dp lived 140 miles away, we now have bought a house and live together. Seems a long time ago I was on old but it's only 2 years