Online dating. Too soon since separation. Hurt by rejection.

[mrsnec]

Hi all,

I separated from my Husband in August. I moved back to the UK to an area where I don't know anyone. I'm staying with my parents until I can get into my new house. I'm lonely. My divorce is extremely stressful.

I thought I'd try OLD. I've done it before. It worked then, one of my friends in the same situation as me also had a great success story and is all over IG with posh second wedding pics. So I think what have I got to lose? I could do with an ego boost if nothing else.

But I've got exactly the opposite and I think my mental health is taking a setback because of it.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I think I need to step away from it. I'm still in the cooling off period so I could try and get my money back and then find something else to focus on but I find I just want to keep checking it all the time and it's doing my head in!

[quote mrsnec]@supercali77 That's what I thought but is everyone really that thick skinned?

Anyway EH subscription cancellation email sent. I'm aware they could give me some grief about it but hopefully it won't be too bad. I've resisted the urge to send any more smiles/messages and I'll step away from that for a bit.

I've faffed about with Hinge and no interest whatsoever. Is it worth paying the extra for that when I feel I'm ready? So for now I'm thinking of not bothering to delete it yet but perhaps paying to boost my profile once I've moved and settled?[/quote]
Where abouts are you OP? Asking because I'm the same age as you and also recently moved to the SW (between two big cities) and plan to start OLD next year. I also don't really know anyone here! It's tough.

@MsRedhook I'm in Devon. I think the town I'm moving to is classified as mid-Devon but I'm in rural South Devon at the moment.

Another thing I find wierd is that my friend is in Swansea. The bloke she's met on EH is in the town I'm moving to and I was getting lots of matches in South Wales.

I find it all a bit baffling. Certainly need to put a lot of thought into the right site for you. And I gather that changes all the time too!

I did OLD 9n amd off for 2 years. Matched with weirdos and wasters but had some fun. Was showing a newly single mate how to use it so i replied to a match who was not my type but who had a chatty bio. He messaged, i showed her how to flirt.. He is the love of my life. Complete fluke

@sofato5miles that's really interesting! A few years ago I did a profile for friends on Mysinglefriend.

Both lived in Surrey commuter belt and neither had any interest for a month then gave up. I felt very guilty about it! So perhaps I do need help doing my profile.

Having said that, the one desperate guy on EH who approached me did have his profile written by a friend and that put me off a bit.

I do want to generate interest but I want it to come from me.

I was definitely at the point of thick skinned. I had quite a comprehensive but fun bio about edu level, job level, kids and the phrase i used which apparently jumped out was 'Definitely not in need of rescuing' and made it clear that i wanted a relationship not a ONS. Also suggested a quick coffee only first.

Poor you and your friends, though that was funny🤣

OLD is an absolute nightmare at the best of times, I’ve actually forgotten how many ‘talking stages’ I’ve had! Most end up being time wasters that sent one message and no more or are so incredibly pushy that I can’t cope! Why do men think it’s okay to invite themselves to your house? I just get rid of those ones pretty quick!
If you are finding it tough then take a break from it, it won’t help your confidence if you are not ready!

I would say that at 3 months in it is far too early . Take some time . The other thing I would add is that I didn't work ( early retired and didn't need to financially ) and I do think that put some men off . Maybe it's because they think you will be after them all the time for attention or they think you are too well off . I don't know for sure but I got that feeling . I did some events with various Meet Up groups but did eventually meet my H on POF 3 years down the line .

@DameMaureen that's the thing about my financial situation. I didn't really know what to put so they didn't run a mile. My divorce is going through but there are no assets in the marriage I don't think. But my DM and I had an inheritance just after I left which is enough for me for a house (being bought in trust for my children)And for me to live on easily for at least 18 months. I thought it would be enough to say I'm financially independent. On my Hinge profile I put I work for myself.

Yes 3 months probably is too soon. It was the same time frame as my friend though so I thought it would be ok. Different circumstances though. I think she was on the rebound.

Interesting about saying what you're looking for though. I thought doing that would scare them off. I also thought I was being amusing. Perhaps these West country folks don't get my humour.

Also, E Harmony helped themselves to 50 quid from my bank account cancellation fee. I knew that might happen. But it's better than giving them the 195 it should have been.

Join a running club. Loads of men & women in your age bracket there - great way to make some friends and met friends of friends.

If you cannot handle the feeling of rejection and lack of interest before you have actually met someone in person then move away form OLD.
Imagine how you would feel if you met osmeone you liked and then it did not work out, twice the heartache.

[quote mrsnec]@DameMaureen that's the thing about my financial situation. I didn't really know what to put so they didn't run a mile. My divorce is going through but there are no assets in the marriage I don't think. But my DM and I had an inheritance just after I left which is enough for me for a house (being bought in trust for my children)And for me to live on easily for at least 18 months. I thought it would be enough to say I'm financially independent. On my Hinge profile I put I work for myself.

Yes 3 months probably is too soon. It was the same time frame as my friend though so I thought it would be ok. Different circumstances though. I think she was on the rebound.

Interesting about saying what you're looking for though. I thought doing that would scare them off. I also thought I was being amusing. Perhaps these West country folks don't get my humour.

Also, E Harmony helped themselves to 50 quid from my bank account cancellation fee. I knew that might happen. But it's better than giving them the 195 it should have been.[/quote]
Can I add I wasn't on POF for 3 years . It was 4 months and I met my now H .

[quote mrsnec]@MsRedhook I'm in Devon. I think the town I'm moving to is classified as mid-Devon but I'm in rural South Devon at the moment.

Another thing I find wierd is that my friend is in Swansea. The bloke she's met on EH is in the town I'm moving to and I was getting lots of matches in South Wales.

I find it all a bit baffling. Certainly need to put a lot of thought into the right site for you. And I gather that changes all the time too![/quote]
You must be pretty close to me then. I've had a browse on Tinder and am not filled with hope! Hope you settle in ok. I'm planning on joining some local Meetup groups so might bump in to you one day!

@MsRedhook all being well I'm moving to Newton Abbot. Feel free to PM me if you like!

So re activities, I am definitely not a runner but I've already seen a few things nearby I might consider.

And like I've read before, Tinder scares me. But on reflection I don't know why I thought EH would be different.

My stbx had loads of single mates on Tinder. Most of them seeing multiple women at once so I still tend to associate it with men just looking for a vessel and I'm done with that.

[quote mrsnec]@MsRedhook all being well I'm moving to Newton Abbot. Feel free to PM me if you like!

So re activities, I am definitely not a runner but I've already seen a few things nearby I might consider.

And like I've read before, Tinder scares me. But on reflection I don't know why I thought EH would be different.

My stbx had loads of single mates on Tinder. Most of them seeing multiple women at once so I still tend to associate it with men just looking for a vessel and I'm done with that.[/quote]
I'll PM you when I can figure out how to . I'm near Totnes

@MsRedhook that's where I am right now too. I don't know how long I'm going to be here but judging by the locals I've encountered so far it didn't seem very likely that I was going to find someone my type round here in real life.

I know I need to step away from all this but the compulsion to keep checking is doing my head in. I'm going to have to delete the apps I think.

Just wanted to say thanks for the responses everyone.

Read on another thread that traditionally OLD gets wierd at this time of the year anyway which makes sense so I'm going to try and focus on other things.

I couldn't resist one last scroll through hinge though. Managed to resist the temptation to message anyone but I was tempted. A bloke came up on there who was on Bake Off last year and he came across really well and I was thinking how on earth is he still single? So maybe it's tricky for decent blokes too?

@crimsonlake

If you cannot handle the feeling of rejection and lack of interest before you have actually met someone in person then move away form OLD. Imagine how you would feel if you met osmeone you liked and then it did not work out, twice the heartache.

This ^ 10 times over. I met someone whilst doing OLD and I really liked him (I even told him) because he liked me too, had he not been a mess who knows but he wasn't ready to date and my god the pain of getting over that.

@crimsonlake & @Isitreallyme177, I stupidly hadn't even thought that far ahead. I think it was my friend telling me she's only in it for the flirting and at the moment has no intention of actually meeting anyone she's talking to online.

So rejecion at that point in the equation hadn't even crossed my mind but it sounds absolutely hideous and I'm sorry for anyone dealing with that and I'll certainly consider that too. From what I'm seeing on here though and from my experience so far I'm a long way off that stage anyway.

@mrsnec everyone is different and takes their own time to recover from the end of their marriage. You have to do what feels right for you. For some getting back out there and dating works for others it's working on themselves and working on their life as someone no longer part of a couple.

I wasn’t married but when I came out of my first proper LTR (with my heart in smithereens) I decided to do some OLD for a confidence boost and also to shag someone else because I’d been with him since I was 16 (was 23 at this point) and had only slept with him and one other guy. It was about two months after we split and I’d got over the initial awfulness but was still really depressed.

From a sex POV it was great- it did give me a confidence boost. But then me and this one guy started hanging out more (he had just had his heart broken too) and whilst it wasn’t the best sex or the best partner- he wasn’t really my type and I don’t think that I was his- it was company and he was fun. After a couple of months though he was the grown up in the room and said “this is great and I feel like I’ve gained a friend here but I don’t think we are right long term”. He was 100% right and I knew it but I was CRUSHED. The pain was like the pain of losing my boyfriend all over again. It was awful.

After that I kept out of it for a bit. Ended up with a boyfriend about 18 months later who I rubbed along nicely with but then three years after that I met my now husband (who is obviously brilliant) and the key thing with both of those men is that I met them organically. I don’t think forcing it is a good idea when you’ve been that badly hurt.

@mrsnec

Just wanted to say thanks for the responses everyone.

Read on another thread that traditionally OLD gets wierd at this time of the year anyway which makes sense so I'm going to try and focus on other things.

I couldn't resist one last scroll through hinge though. Managed to resist the temptation to message anyone but I was tempted. A bloke came up on there who was on Bake Off last year and he came across really well and I was thinking how on earth is he still single? So maybe it's tricky for decent blokes too?

You can treat these times as educating yourself - looking at what's out there (no harm) and how it all works . The OLD thread on here gave me lots of support/tips/thoughts although I never posted on it but read only . Have a look at it . You get people who never want to be in a relationship again which is fine . I knew that was not for me though as I liked men . All this working on yourself etc 🙄 yeah there's some truth in that but I would put it more as getting a routine going in your new single life . Good luck .

@TrampolineForMrKite, that's an interesting story. Glad you got a happy ending. I've only had 4 LTRs in my life. I was with my stbxh for 16 years. Of those 4, 3 of them dumped me and I haven't had a ONS since my early 20's and I had a fair few of them then and don't want to go back there! Also I'm not sure if I might need therapy in that department as some incidents with stbxh have made me question my boundaries. So I was thinking even if I had connected with anyone it would be snails pace and I'd be in control and I would be a good judge of character so I'd only actually date someone I was really keen on.

@DameMaureen & @Isitreallyme177, yes I'm going to keep an eye on the other threads for sure. I agree about working on myself to an extent but only to protect myself from more potential harm. Also I really felt I needed a distraction from nasty divorce and complicated house purchase! And I'm still tempted to contact another ex !

But yes I'm hoping I can establish a new routine soon and I'm sure that will help.