What to do

[MollysDolly]

DH and I have reached a point where we both don't know if we can continue together. A long story short, things are becoming toxic and resentful from both sides. A split is essentially not if, but when.

We have 3DC, two very young not out of nappies. I'm trying to see my long term future without my children's father.

I know it will straight away mean I'm sole carer, and I don't begrudge him that as he has a good career and will pay maintenance. Whilst they are tiring, I enjoy having the children and in a couple of years they will have the standard 30hra nursery places, which will help. He seems quite upbeat at all his free time and how it facilitates him meeting someone else. Again, I understand that he will indeed, due to how the set up falls. But it has got me thinking about how I will navigate meeting someone and getting to know them when I'm at home every evening (apart from EOW when he'd have DC) with a few occasions when I could pay for a babysitter and grab a few hours to go for dinner for example. This wouldn't be doable very often, it's not cheap with 3DC.

I'm not thinking about finding another relationship now, but I hope one day I will, and I'm trying to work out how, as it doesn't seem feasible.

All I see on here are horror stories of online dating. In a nutshell I'm late 30s with 3DC. I love being a family and a wife (appreciate it's not currently with the right person) and this is what I've always wanted and still would be what I wanted for the future.

Anyone who's been through similar, how was your experience? How many people were interested with 3 resident children as part of the package too? Do I need to accept that I'm realistically not an attractive proposition to the vast majority? Whilst that's fine, as I'm obviously not going to entertain anyone who doesn't accept all of us, it would help to know from others experience whether it is 99% of people who don't want to date someone with 3 children, or if it is more like 50%. Sort of, I want to know of it's even worth my time bothering if I'm looking for such a needle in a haystack.

Again, this isn't something I will be looking for now. But would really benefit from hearing how things have realistically panned out for those who are "me" but maybe a couple of years down the line.

Thank you x

Anyone?

Anyone at all? (I should have put this in AIBU for traffic )

I don't think men would find dating a mum of 3 unattractive but the difficulty is finding a good man who would fit into your life. They don't exist readily.

My experience in my 30s was that the single men were often single for a reason, especially if they had a children as they usually left family life because they found it boring and wanted adventures, grass is greener stuff.

If you date you have the issue of blending families so it certainly isn't a straightforward proposition to meet someone. I think men find it easier because even if they are late 30s, they will look for single childless women late 20s, early 30s.

You mention your marriage is toxic which isn't good but you also have tiny children so is the stress of young children a factor?

Is your H a good man or is he toxic? I would always recommend walking from an abusive marriage but equally recommend working on a marriage that is going through a tough time. Do you know what yours is?

I agree that posting in AIBU would be better.

Exactly what is your question? - Should you stay just incase you are unable to meet someone else who will take you and 3 kids on?

You said that splitting up is inevitable. Get some marriage counselling ASAP or split up ASAP, as this is not fair or acceptable for your young DC to experience the toxic behaviour.

Is the plan for him to only have the kids EOW and no mid-weeks then?

I think it all depends on what you’re looking for - to date and enjoy spending time with someone or for a full-in live with someone share your lives situation (eventually)? I don’t think either will be impossible to find, plenty of people do blend families etc.

But, it’s worth asking yourself if you feel you could be happy blending families if someone already has kids, and if you want any more.

But overall don’t see why it couldn’t happen!

I was 35 with 3 kids aged 5, 6 and 6 when I met my now partner of 8 years.

I'd left my husband 6 weeks before.

Quite honestly its almost impossible to meet someone new with this many children. There are plenty of cock lodgers, sponges and ne're do wells who would be ok within set up but nice men....no. I found it impossible with just one and didn't date again until he was 17.

I think, whilst it's complete double standards, I don't want to date (and go on to marry) a guy with 3DC. This would mean 6DC between the two of us, and that's an unusually large number of children. Although, thinking on it, I would expect a man with 3DC to pass me by for the same reason.

No, I'm not looking for a "should I stay with my husband". He brought some issues to our marriage. He hasn't worked on them. He admits now that he can't. And it ends up just being a shouting match of "you didn't care enough to try/it's over anyway" and it's beyond counselling.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone, in a similar position to me, went on to happily marry, and if they did, at what point. If it wasn't (until like PP said) until DC were almost adult, I've got 16 lonely years to prepare for. If that's the reality of it, so be it. It makes me very sad, but I'd rather know what my experience is most likely to be, by the shared experiences of others, than waste my time and get upset trying to pointlessly date.

And to answer PP, the children aren't the problem at all, we both love them very much. Although when we argue, I do question how much he really does care, if he didn't care enough to try for me, that's one thing, but it's also now put them in a broken home with an EOW dad, and it infuriates me that he didn't care enough to prevent that happening.

You shouldn't stay for children. But you should put effort in, to try and make it work once they are here. IMHO.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Quite honestly its almost impossible to meet someone new with this many children. There are plenty of cock lodgers, sponges and ne're do wells who would be ok within set up but nice men....no. I found it impossible with just one and didn't date again until he was 17.

This is my fear.

I'll be not too far off 60 at this point.

Why would he only have them every other weekend? Wouldn't it work better for you if he had them on Friday night one week and Saturday night the next? They are too young to be without you all weekend - that's my opinion though and I'm sure others will disagree. But also, why shouldn't you have a night off every week, where you can go out with friends and take up a hobby.

It's appalling that he's planning his 12 nights out of every 14 - how dare he think he deserves so much more free time than you?

From my experience: my EH walked out shortly after we had our first, and only, child. It was a massive shock and meant a career change for me too.

I spent the first 5 years single, working on myself, focussing on my one dc and rebuilding a new career. Ex had limited contact (his choice) and in the early days finding spare money was extremely difficult and that hindered me being able to go out. It was lonely and tough at times but ultimately the right thing for me.

When dc started school I was able to work full time once more and started dating. I was 40. I quickly found out that there were a lot of flakes, liars and scumbags. I thought dating in my 40s would be easier but found it’s worse than in my teens! I decided early on not to introduce any man to my dc. In the end I found internet dating soul destroying and concentrated on my hobbies.

2.5 yrs ago I met a chap through my hobby. He’s widowed with a disabled child. We don’t live together and have no plans to. We meet every weekend and it works very well for me. He mentioned the marriage word yesterday. I don’t want to get married again but the opportunity is there. I can honestly say I’ve never felt the way I do about him.

A fun & lighthearted attitude to dating seems to be the best approach and not to get too invested too quickly.

Good luck.

@HollowTalk

Why would he only have them every other weekend? Wouldn't it work better for you if he had them on Friday night one week and Saturday night the next? They are too young to be without you all weekend - that's my opinion though and I'm sure others will disagree. But also, why shouldn't you have a night off every week, where you can go out with friends and take up a hobby.

It's appalling that he's planning his 12 nights out of every 14 - how dare he think he deserves so much more free time than you?

What would be fair and equitable, Vs what he will do, are not within my control. I can get angry, it achieves nothing. This is what will happen.

He will most likely move closer to his work, which is an hour's commute, which then means taking them for an evening in the week unlikely, as they go to bed so early.

What a piece of work he is. I hope he's giving you enough money to cope without him - it's outrageous he's telling you his plans to go out etc.

I guess it's that whole "you get one life" and it's hard to resign to knowing i will most likely spend the rest of my years, until mid fifties (and then, even if I find someone then, 20yrs before one of us dies), in the way that is everything I never wanted my life to be.

@HollowTalk

What a piece of work he is. I hope he's giving you enough money to cope without him - it's outrageous he's telling you his plans to go out etc.

Yes, but I know this is his deflecting and looking for arguments, rather than acknowledge he's the root cause. He's very "well, we'll both be happier with the right person" as if he's clearly done the right thing by causing the marriage to fail. It's quite transparent self validation.

I'll have enough to get by with the UC calc I've done and his maintenance. It's not that I struggle with, I can always get work. It's the loneliness and loss of a family life, for the rest of (most of) my life.

I have a friend who divorced with 5 DC under 10. She went to a Catholic online dating site and found a man who wanted to be the head of a large Catholic family. They married and had more children. Still married - 20 years now maybe.

I have single friends whose DC go to Dad's EOW. One of them switched the weekends with her exDH because she found when she was OLD the dads with children had the opposite EOW and so there was NO weekend were both were available. With her having the same weekends off-duty she could date Dads with EOW custody.

Really, your DH should take them one night a week, too, if only for 3 hours.

@MollysDolly, its sensible to consider that you will be single and then if you meet someone it's a bonus.

It's often discussed here but men will date 15-20 years younger and not worry about it, as they believe they are entitled to do so and tbf, many women seem happy to date older men. The reverse rarely happens. 50 year old with a 35 year old unless it's short term. There are plenty of younger men who want the perceived experience of an older woman though.
I guess you have to way up is single life preferably to the marriage you are in now?

the difficulty is finding a good man who would fit into your life. They don't exist readily

Quite honestly its almost impossible to meet someone new with this many children

I was 40. I quickly found out that there were a lot of flakes, liars and scumbags. I thought dating in my 40s would be easier but found it’s worse than in my teens! I decided early on not to introduce any man to my dc. In the end I found internet dating soul destroying and concentrated on my hobbies.

And to honest, this is exactly what I predict. It's just so sad and not what life was ever meant to be.

OP - I don’t know what issues he brought to the marriage. But in a way - both him and you could have tried to change - to give your kids that home and family.
He could/should have tried to be less (whatever it was); and you could have tried to accept it more? be less sensitive?
It really does take two to tango.

Especially given that now neither you, nor your kids would have what you say you wanted. They will not know what it feels like to be a family, at least not the way you imagined it.

Maybe you’ll be lucky to find that rare unicorn of a man, who’d accept you and your kids. But most of my friends who date with kids post divorce struggle. Men tend to want attention, and they mostly struggle with sharing their partners with kids from previous marriages. Even men who have kids of their own. And women tend to feel pulled in different directions and trying to balance. Often they feel guilty and as if they fail - either their kids, or their partners.

Does any of this change your outlook on your relationship even one bit?

@MMmomDD

OP - I don’t know what issues he brought to the marriage. But in a way - both him and you could have tried to change - to give your kids that home and family. He could/should have tried to be less (whatever it was); and you could have tried to accept it more? be less sensitive? It really does take two to tango.

Especially given that now neither you, nor your kids would have what you say you wanted. They will not know what it feels like to be a family, at least not the way you imagined it.

Maybe you’ll be lucky to find that rare unicorn of a man, who’d accept you and your kids. But most of my friends who date with kids post divorce struggle. Men tend to want attention, and they mostly struggle with sharing their partners with kids from previous marriages. Even men who have kids of their own. And women tend to feel pulled in different directions and trying to balance. Often they feel guilty and as if they fail - either their kids, or their partners.

Does any of this change your outlook on your relationship even one bit?

With respect, you don't know what he did. It's not a case that I wasn't accepting enough. It was that he needed to take steps to ensure it never happened again, that there wasn't even a 1% risk of it happening again, and he has done nothing.

The why is also kind of irrelevant. I can't stay with him. That's essentially a done decision.

I just need to work on the acceptance that his lack of caring has ruined 4 lives, that should have been a family. And look to my long term future. Not looking bright is it. I'm not being a doom monger, just a realist, with confirmation from PPs experiences.

In the throes of a new relationship, when people want to have a romantic night away. Spend lots of time together, enjoy being in love, how does this practically ever happen with 3 children in tow?

They can't come to my house. DC are there. I can't go to theirs (apart from EOW) because I have DC. How can you build a proper relationship that has to spend the first 6mths/year being phonecalls only for 12 days in every 14? How can that ever become something?

There are ways around it OP. Try to to start with exh having them one weekday night too. You will see your date on your w/end free & get a babysitter the following week and repeat. And if you ex has the kids a weekday night as well, that's another night there. So if you start dating someone, you will see them 1-3 times a week until you feel comfortable enough to have him over when DC are asleep.
Don't rule out men with 3DC as you may end up loving your own space and want a committed relationship but not living together until DC grown/moving out.
It's unlikely that you will meet someone and have a living together relationship within a few months, but certainly possible within a few years.

@BonneMaman15

There are ways around it OP. Try to to start with exh having them one weekday night too. You will see your date on your w/end free & get a babysitter the following week and repeat. And if you ex has the kids a weekday night as well, that's another night there. So if you start dating someone, you will see them 1-3 times a week until you feel comfortable enough to have him over when DC are asleep. Don't rule out men with 3DC as you may end up loving your own space and want a committed relationship but not living together until DC grown/moving out. It's unlikely that you will meet someone and have a living together relationship within a few months, but certainly possible within a few years.

He can't have them a week night. He has full time work. An hour away from where we live.

If he saw them in the week, it would be on occasion that he could finish work early, and maybe take them for 2-3hrs out for tea, and then they need to be in bed by 6.30 at the latest or they hit the wall with tiredness and cry until they do go to bed. I wouldn't want him and them returning with a date sitting there.

The reality is, it will be EOW. Any other time I will need to pay for a babysitter for 3, and be back a reasonable time to be up for the eldests school run.

I'm gutted our marriage has come to this. It was not at my hands, and I feel I've given such beautiful children to someone, who anyone else would bend over backwards for. And yet I gave what is a beautiful family to this man. "Sorry" he says. It makes me so sad that this would have been me, them, all of us, happy in a loving family, for the rest of our lives, if anyone but him was the father. But he'd rather not now. He "can't" change.

Ugh. This evening we went to the local fireworks display. I was a little emotional when we got home, I suppose at seeing us all, stood at the fireworks, and realising this is the first and last time it will ever happen.

DH saw I was a little upset. I explained. His response? "You don't have memory from under the age of three, so they won't ever remember this is what their family was"

I'm so angry at how he justifies his leaving them in a broken home, as if it doesn't matter.

It's so very hard. I want to be a wife, and my children grow in a loving family, but before I even think about the impossible logistics, he's tarnished my view of men so much I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone again.