What to do

[MollysDolly]

DH and I have reached a point where we both don't know if we can continue together. A long story short, things are becoming toxic and resentful from both sides. A split is essentially not if, but when.

We have 3DC, two very young not out of nappies. I'm trying to see my long term future without my children's father.

I know it will straight away mean I'm sole carer, and I don't begrudge him that as he has a good career and will pay maintenance. Whilst they are tiring, I enjoy having the children and in a couple of years they will have the standard 30hra nursery places, which will help. He seems quite upbeat at all his free time and how it facilitates him meeting someone else. Again, I understand that he will indeed, due to how the set up falls. But it has got me thinking about how I will navigate meeting someone and getting to know them when I'm at home every evening (apart from EOW when he'd have DC) with a few occasions when I could pay for a babysitter and grab a few hours to go for dinner for example. This wouldn't be doable very often, it's not cheap with 3DC.

I'm not thinking about finding another relationship now, but I hope one day I will, and I'm trying to work out how, as it doesn't seem feasible.

All I see on here are horror stories of online dating. In a nutshell I'm late 30s with 3DC. I love being a family and a wife (appreciate it's not currently with the right person) and this is what I've always wanted and still would be what I wanted for the future.

Anyone who's been through similar, how was your experience? How many people were interested with 3 resident children as part of the package too? Do I need to accept that I'm realistically not an attractive proposition to the vast majority? Whilst that's fine, as I'm obviously not going to entertain anyone who doesn't accept all of us, it would help to know from others experience whether it is 99% of people who don't want to date someone with 3 children, or if it is more like 50%. Sort of, I want to know of it's even worth my time bothering if I'm looking for such a needle in a haystack.

Again, this isn't something I will be looking for now. But would really benefit from hearing how things have realistically panned out for those who are "me" but maybe a couple of years down the line.

Thank you x

Do you have family or friends living elsewhere and could you move near to them if so?

To be blunt, they don't live in a loving family now. Once you give him the heave ho, at least you may have a fighting chance in the future at your dream, in the meantime your children get to livid in a happy family right now, with you.

Live not livid

I do have DM nearby, but she's getting old now, and I wouldn't call on her regularly to babysit, especially as she is nervous driving in the dark.

I'm not isolated. I can get out with the babies during the day while eldest is at school. I can be a great mum. But I don't just want to be "mum" for the rest of my life, I want to be me too, I want someone's love, and I want to love someone. Happily ever after.

I think for now, I'll just focus on the immediate shock and upturn for my little family. I won't look for anyone for a year at least I would have thought. In that time, I'm going to work on being fabulous. Whilst it's come to a head now, DH has been turning like this for, I suppose, the last 18mths, and each day that passed and I saw his lack of care, I'd feel unworthy, and unmotivated. I stopped wearing makeup. My hair hasn't been touched for, probably, 2 years. My clothes are shit and I wear things I'd have been embarrassed to leave the house in before.

By Christmas, I want to have sorted my hair, bought a whole set of nice makeup, and a complete wardrobe revamp. I'm actually a really attractive woman, but right now, I look like a hag. I had put on the best part of a stone, but the stress over the last month, I've lost it again, and I am very body confident. It's just hidden under sweaters and lounge trousers. If I saw me, I wouldn't want to date me. Me 3 years ago? No problem.

So I guess, by the time I'm mentally ready to look for someone, I'll look my best and have more confidence. It sucks, I do love DH. But he doesn't love us enough to continue as a secure and functional family. It's a hard thing to accept, that our children weren't reason enough.

I read a lot of the online dating threads, of men in their 40s being, well utter twats really. There always seems to be a mention of a "40 something."

Is this the general consensus? I get you can't tar everyone with the same brush, but is this the vast majority of that age group? A heads up would be good, as I actually prefer older men as I'm nearly 40 myself. Will I have more success looking in the 50 something age bracket?

It really depends what you are looking for in a partner..solvent, attractive, intelligent, willing to take on 3 children, faithful? not sure many of them exist.

I've met lots of men in 40s & 50s due to my work, very few have I wanted to date. One was fine for my friend whereas I felt he had red flags as married twice and his ex (and mother of his children) was a "nutter".

Some women will settle for something that is a deal breaker for you. I generally think good decent men mostly stay married and work at relationships..your H will be available,would you recommend him?

Ex H is late 40s, looks good on the outside but he is highly manipulative and controlling. BIL, attractive, intelligent, left his wife and 2 young children for adventure aka shag around, he's early 40s.

It's not impossible to find someone but dammed difficult if your standards are high, do you have a single male friends? That's a better route than OLD.

It really depends what you are looking for in a partner..solvent, attractive, intelligent, willing to take on 3 children, faithful? not sure many of them exist.

Solvent. Looks not that important, I've always gone for handsome and forgone more important qualities, so I do not intend to be shallow anymore. Intelligent, again, not too bothered as long as they can make me smile. Faithful. Non negotiable, must be faithful. Taking on 3dc will be the tricky bit. Wants to marry, is very important to me. I don't want a boyfriend in my 40s, I want a husband and to live life as a family unit.

your H will be available,would you recommend him?

Well, I imagine he'll want a 28yr old. And he's handsome and charismatic enough to get that. But I don't think he realises not many 28yr olds will be keen on a relationship where they have his 3dc EOW and no chance of babies themselves (he's had the snip after we had twins)

My few male friends are lovely, 20yr friendships, but I'd never date any of them.

I'm just horrified at everything I hear about online dating. And if seems like my best chance of dating, as I'll be at home every night, DC in bed, so online is my only real option.