Elderly Dad upsetting me all the time

[CausingMeUpset]

Massive backstory but I will try and summarise.

My mum died when I was a teen. My dad moved on immediately. He was consumed by his new DP's family and spent all his time with them. We got thrown the occasional fish but missed out on holidays, Christmases etc. He hardly knows my DC. His DP didn't want to know us as she had DC of her own and she regularly badmouthed us to my Dad.

Now my dad is alone again as his DP passed away. We thought we would get our dad back, but it is the complete opposite. We get all the hard yards to deal with e.g. the ailments, the loneliness, the grief, etc. and I know for a fact they don't as I hear them on the phone and it is all positive and fun. He has been spending Christmas and Easter etc, with them and their families, rather than his own DC and DGC but has said this year he will be with us, the first time in decades.

What has got to me now though is something he has said to me which I find really hurtful. He has told me that when he passes away he doesn't know who he wants to be with in the afterlife, them or us. I know this is all pie in the sky but I just find this really, really hurtful and I find it massively insulting to my mother. He and his DP were not married, didn't have kids and I just find it really hurtful. I am really stressed out at the moment and have some health issues and I really think that I haven't had much support in my life as I lost my mum very suddenly and within weeks I lost my Dad and then my extended wd family as my mum's lot and her friends refused to speak to him when he moved on so quickly.

I just don't know what to do. He is elderly now and I don't want to upset him, but I feel like I have had to put up with an unbelievable amount of crap from him (and his DP) and I feel like a 2nd class citizen. Your parents aren't meant to make you cry and feel shit. I certainly wouldn't treat my DC like that.

Who invited him?

I would cancel his visit given his attitude towards you all. So what if he’s now elderly? He was young once and still acted the self same. He has not at all changed and he does not give a fig about upsetting you. He really does not deserve or warrant any of your attention here.

Honestly, I wouldn't have invited him. You might be stuck with him this year if you've invited him, but I wouldn't be falling over myself for him ever again. He made his choice and didn't care how you felt about it.

If he has invited himself I'd simply say "sorry dad but we already have made our plans like we do every year. I'm sure whoever you spent every other christmas with for the past 20 years will be happy to have you"

I wouldn't be spending a lot of time on the phone listening to his grief either. I would have done anything for my parents and would do anything for in laws. but then they all treated me like family, cared for me, loved me, were concerned about me. Focus on your own children and your own family - not this man.

Or you could tell him straight out that his comments are insensitive and unwelcome, and if he's going to carry on like that, he can stay away.

You don't owe him a place in your life.
Him being elderly doesn't make his treatment of you forgiveable.
You don't have to take his abuse.
You can tell him to piss off and live out the rest of his days with them since they mean more to him than you ever will.

I think you were wildly optimistic to think you would get your Dad back when his partner died. He showed you who he was a long time ago and he has never shown any regret for that decision. He is only here now because his partner is gone. The person who made those decisions then is still the person he is now. I understand you wish he was different, but I think maybe you need to make your own peace with not having the Dad you would like.

Its not your fault your dad is like he is and you did not make him that way either.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your dad rather than the one you actually got.

I think what upset me was I came very close to calling him back and telling him to get lost and I wouldn’t be calling again. My sibling had to talk me down. I just know that if I went NC and he died, I’d feel guilty.

His other family totally monopolise him and he does so much for them. I feel like a jealous child.

I also feel really bad for my mum. She was really lovely and he didn’t treat her very nicely. I feel like she’s dead, and she’s still getting shit dumped on her. No peace for her.

I did tell him to give it some thought and let me know who he’s going to choose them or us? What a conversation? No wonder I’m stressed out.

Why did your sibling talk you down?. What was their agenda here?.

If anyone should feel guilt here its your father and not you. But he does not feel any guilt for your situation and indeed uses you as some sort of sounding board.

How is any of this your fault anyway; you were but a child at the time. He was an adult then and he has abjectly let you down as his daughter. Your siblings and you have all been let down by him and he is not going to say sorry. Grieve instead for the relationship you should have had with him rather than the one you actually got.

Perhaps a wrong choice of words. I called them when I was tempted to call my dad and they calmed me down. They don’t feel as upset as me, probably because they are men and he doesn’t say these things to them, just me, because I am a woman and well, it’s my job to pander to him. He’s quite a misogynist.

Can your sibling host? So you get to just turn up when it suits you? Leave when suits?

I’d treat yourself to therapy. This man has not treated you well. You are clearly a lovely person who wants everyone to get on but it is causing you pain. A therapist might be able to help him mean less to you, to just regard him as some odd relation from your past and not someone to occupy your thoughts like this

That is so true Newgirls. He does cause me pain.

My Dad did this to me, and I clung to him as my only surviving parent, for 17 years. I cut him off this summer. He’s in his 60s. After 5 years of not seeing my Dad, me and DC went over for a visit (they live in Scotland, us in England). It was horrific. I seem to have blanked out just how controlling, possessive and spiteful his wife is, and how he just does fuck all about it. If she dies first and he’s lonely in his twilight years, well tough fucking shit.

Why are you letting him use you?

It's clearly not even as it's what your mum would have wanted as he treated her like dispoable shit too!

Why not honour her memory by doing what she couldn't, and what he richly deserves, and telling him to get to fuck?

And then choose, as your mum would probably want, to not waste your emotion feeling guilty but instead feel joyous that you will now have more headspace to enjoy your own children and family and put the love in where it's appreciated?

This twat isn't your Dad. He's just a user.

probably because they are men and he doesn’t say these things to them, just me, because I am a woman and well, it’s my job to pander to him. He’s quite a misogynist.

Urgh.

Do your mum's memory a favour.

'This is for mum (stick two fingers up) now go mooch off someone else.'

You don't have to put up with this, OP.

I second therapy and going low contact. He was never a good parent to you

Honestly OP, I feel nothing but relief. Zero guilt. He doesn’t feel any for the way they’ve both treated me, so bollocks to him.

He's the same person who abandoned you as a newly (effectively) orphaned teenager.

Cut him loose, OP. There is a very high chance that you will otherwise find yourself doing an enormous burden of highly personal body care for him, with his spiteful comments cutting you to the quick on a regular basis, only to have the final indignity of finding that he has left everything to them in his will - therefore letting you know how little regard he had for you vs them. I raise this as it's the ultimate narcissistic "no right of reply" and leaves permanent ulcerated, unhealing hurt in the child, who has inevitably given so much of themselves in the final month in the futile hope that this person will finally love them. OP, they never do and this scenario is far too common not to consider.

His sudden interest in you will be because he knows that his step children won't care for him, nothing more. He's a user and a loser.

Don't allow him the final spite of doing this to you.

You poor pet.

I'd love to give you a hug.

God love you.

This man is a shit and you really need to pull back and not entertain him in any way.

You need to look after yourself.

Your children need you as well as you can be.
They are your priority.

Not this awful excuse of a man stressing you out.

Please put yourself first.

I'm so sorry about your mum.
She will remain alive to you in your heart and memories.

Leave your father to his choices.
Please stop calling him.

Keep posting.
We are hear for you.

He will NEVER be the father you want or need him to be, not now and not on his death bed. You owe him nothing and need to do what is best for you. You have no obligation to your father, and are perfectly entitled to walk away.

I suggest you write down how you feel (and exactly why you feel how you do) and post it to him - no histrionics or over-emotional. You are bottling it all up which isn't healthy and he needs to know before he pops his clogs. It shouldn't be an attack or full of accusations so keep it factual and then you'll know you've done right by your mum.

He is the same selfish, self-centred git he was when he abandoned you all those years ago. He isn't going to change now.
He is probably getting a huge ego boost from playing you all off against each other, that's why he let you overhear his phone calls!

Now you are grown up, you certainly do not have to keep playing his "pick me" games.

Perhaps get yourself some therapy or counselling so that you can break away from the toxic grip he and his actions have had on you since your childhood.

For a start, tell him that you will be too busy to see him at Christmas.

I would walk away and forget about him. He likes the attention and making you miserable.

The irony is that he agreed to come to mine for Christmas in the summer, then last month it was “we’ll see” and then when I put him on the spot last week he said he wasn’t coming. I got pissed off and he changed his mind. I was tempted to phone back and say screw it, do what you want but I calmed down and left it. My DH and I don’t think he’ll come, and he’ll make some excuse before hand, which I now OK with if he does. However, if he does, I’m done and I’m going LC with him. He really is a piece of work. He was telling me a few weeks back that he wasn’t coming and then in the next breath telling me that I can buy him something that costs 90 quid for Christmas.

No wonder I wake up with anxiety every morning at 4am.

He's just a crap dad.

What do you need to do, my husband spent a lifetime being ignored by his dad and continued to try and communicate, I believe it was for reasons of inheritance.

Didn't do him much good ended up passing on his wealth to the step family.

I personally would tell him the truth, write him a letter and tell him how you feel.

It probably won't do much good but may help you get things off your chest.

for you.