Elderly Dad upsetting me all the time

[CausingMeUpset]

Massive backstory but I will try and summarise.

My mum died when I was a teen. My dad moved on immediately. He was consumed by his new DP's family and spent all his time with them. We got thrown the occasional fish but missed out on holidays, Christmases etc. He hardly knows my DC. His DP didn't want to know us as she had DC of her own and she regularly badmouthed us to my Dad.

Now my dad is alone again as his DP passed away. We thought we would get our dad back, but it is the complete opposite. We get all the hard yards to deal with e.g. the ailments, the loneliness, the grief, etc. and I know for a fact they don't as I hear them on the phone and it is all positive and fun. He has been spending Christmas and Easter etc, with them and their families, rather than his own DC and DGC but has said this year he will be with us, the first time in decades.

What has got to me now though is something he has said to me which I find really hurtful. He has told me that when he passes away he doesn't know who he wants to be with in the afterlife, them or us. I know this is all pie in the sky but I just find this really, really hurtful and I find it massively insulting to my mother. He and his DP were not married, didn't have kids and I just find it really hurtful. I am really stressed out at the moment and have some health issues and I really think that I haven't had much support in my life as I lost my mum very suddenly and within weeks I lost my Dad and then my extended wd family as my mum's lot and her friends refused to speak to him when he moved on so quickly.

I just don't know what to do. He is elderly now and I don't want to upset him, but I feel like I have had to put up with an unbelievable amount of crap from him (and his DP) and I feel like a 2nd class citizen. Your parents aren't meant to make you cry and feel shit. I certainly wouldn't treat my DC like that.

OP, cut your losses, your Dad is long gone.
He made his decision years ago.

I understand you find it upsetting but let it go and concentrate on your truly nearest and dearest.

Your father is a user.Don’t chase him to spend Christmas with him,neither I would spend any money on him.

Me and my DH had it twice- both fathers had second partners that acted as gatekeepers and worshipped their partner’s family while they dropped their biological DC and DGC.

My father is dead now. I was upset when I found out but it was HIS choice to drop the contact with me. He left me a voicemail on my birthday telling me to not to bother him anymore. I obliged.

My FIL is still alive and made a point of smearing DH to all and sundry
We don’t care. We are surrounded by people we love and care about, who became adopted grannies,aunties and uncles.
I would not let anybody treat my kids as second class citizens. Unfortunately they came last in the pecking order for FIL and his wife.
I have a good life. Wishing you the same 💐

He is not a father, he was simply a sperm donor. You sound like a lovely daughter but sadly he just isn't worthy of your love. If he did come to you for Christmas he would probably upset you and talk constantly about his other 'wonderful' family and end up ruining your Christmas. You need to step back from him now. He is going to cause you nothing but pain. Prepare yourself that anything he may own will probably be left to his other family when he dies.

It is interesting how a lot of men follow the same script when they get a new partner.

I have been doing the “pick me dance” for years. Please pick me, I’m your real daughter, not them. He’s lied a lot too. Not to save our feelings, but to suit himself. This is the bit I don’t get. They aren’t your biological family. Why would you do that?

This is the kind of crap he says “I don’t really like Christmas. It’s so stressful. Id much rather come to yours when it’s all over and we can have a lovely relaxing time and I can play with DGC. How about 19th Jan?”

It is me and my siblings who had to mop up the mess after his DP died, plus we’ll be the ones to deal with things as he gets older. They just want the fun stuff.

Someone upthread also said about being badmouthed by FIL. That’s interesting because some of my extended family, My dads step-family and his friends think that poor him had no one and luckily met her and her family and that me and my siblings are a shower of selfish shite. It’s really not like that at all. We’ve tried and tried.

How’s that fair?

You’ve done nothing wrong.

In a way meeting on a day that isn’t Xmas takes some of the feelings out of meeting him. Your kids will have a great time - they don’t know him well and won’t miss him.

His other family totally monopolise him and he does so much for them. I feel like a jealous child.

You are a jealous child. And that’s perfectly normal and understandable and OK. Acknowledge your inner child - that bereaved abandoned teen deserved a better father, and you still deserve a better father.

But you can only have the one you’ve got. You can’t change him.

Some men are selfish, and a bit spineless. He prioritised his new woman’s family because it was easiest for him - he avoided the conflict.

You’re not obligated to pick up his mess now. Go LC. Let your brother deal with him. Try to make peace with the idea that you’ll never get what you need from him.

I think therapy would be a wonderful idea.

for you, and your mum.

You don’t have to do anything as he gets older. Not a single thing. Clearly he has a family and it’s not you. Stop answering calls, cut him off. He needs someone to do the grunt work and you are convenient.

He sounds vile. I wouldn't want much to do with him at all. You have no reason to feel guilty about leaving him to fend for himself, in the same way he more or less did to you all those years ago. He doesn't get to dictate what happens at Christmas. He can't give a straight answer so you can just now say the offer is being taken off the table and you assume he will have a nice Christmas wherever he goes. As for buying him a present, fuck that. You don't have to pander to him at all. You are an adult and you decide who comes to your house, and who is worthy of you buying them a gift - it's certainly not him!

I guarantee when he's getting older and his needs increase, his other family won't be seen anywhere. You'd want to think about that now and make sure you're not left caring for him, as he doesn't deserve your compassion. Set firm boundaries for yourself if you don't want to go NC and don't get caught up running and racing for him. There are plenty of nursing home who will be happy to take his money, so remind him of that when he's acting like a complete bollocks.

Why would you and your siblings entertain his needs as he ages?

I don't get that at all.

He was a shit father.

You owe him nothing.

You really need to speak to someone to help you realise that you have choices.

He's happy to ignore you and pick others over you every single time he has the chance.

So pick yourself. Your own sanity. Your own peace.

Disinvite him. Tell him you're sorry, but you don't have that kind of relationship, and that's completely his fault. But you're not going to bend over backwards trying to fix something that clearly can't be fixed.

He sounds incredibly selfish and awful, frankly.

Move on.

@CausingMeUpset

The irony is that he agreed to come to mine for Christmas in the summer, then last month it was “we’ll see” and then when I put him on the spot last week he said he wasn’t coming. I got pissed off and he changed his mind. I was tempted to phone back and say screw it, do what you want but I calmed down and left it. My DH and I don’t think he’ll come, and he’ll make some excuse before hand, which I now OK with if he does. However, if he does, I’m done and I’m going LC with him. He really is a piece of work. He was telling me a few weeks back that he wasn’t coming and then in the next breath telling me that I can buy him something that costs 90 quid for Christmas.

No wonder I wake up with anxiety every morning at 4am.

He’s awful but I have to say you are bringing some of this on yourself ( by being a nice person but even so). Why push him to come to you when he doesn’t want to? You are already winding yourself up with what ifs. Just let him go where he wants to

I think a lot of men are like this. They only “care” about dc while they have an emotional connection with the mother of the children. But when that relationship ends, the dc no longer matter to them.

It’s really hard to fathom but it’s shockingly common. It would be easier to understand if they were lousy dads all the time, but you see it over and over on here where men who have had good marriages and been family men but then leave their first family behind to move in and play families with a new woman and treat the original family despicably.

But what makes it even more unfathomable (to me at least) is that they re write the past, or smear their ex wife so that they can be seen as decent people and seem to lean deep into the gaslighting so they can believe it themselves. I mean either you are or you aren’t a good person, but why not own it? I don’t understand the need to twist reality to try and make yourself believe you’re a good person when you could just do the decent thing in the first place.

I’m not surprised you’re so caught up in this. To lose your mum so young but then to lose your dad in an even crueller way.

You’ve had so much good advice on here and I agree with all of it, having been in a partly similar set up myself.

But what I did want to say is that CRUSE counselling is free, good and they will help you even if the death isn’t recent. That might be a good place to start.

Christmas brings all this shit up for me too. So this year we’re getting kittens and I can guarantee they will be much better company (and a great excuse for going nowhere)

I get it OP. I tried for decades to just matter to my DM and it never happened. I would cut your losses now. Let his precious stepchildren sort it out.

@thelegohooverer

I think a lot of men are like this. They only “care” about dc while they have an emotional connection with the mother of the children. But when that relationship ends, the dc no longer matter to them.

It’s really hard to fathom but it’s shockingly common. It would be easier to understand if they were lousy dads all the time, but you see it over and over on here where men who have had good marriages and been family men but then leave their first family behind to move in and play families with a new woman and treat the original family despicably.

But what makes it even more unfathomable (to me at least) is that they re write the past, or smear their ex wife so that they can be seen as decent people and seem to lean deep into the gaslighting so they can believe it themselves. I mean either you are or you aren’t a good person, but why not own it? I don’t understand the need to twist reality to try and make yourself believe you’re a good person when you could just do the decent thing in the first place.

I’m not surprised you’re so caught up in this. To lose your mum so young but then to lose your dad in an even crueller way.

Very insightful post