Is it worth fighting for this?

[beautifulworldwhereareyou]

My DP and I have been together for five years, by far my longest relationship. We got together when I was 22 and just out of university, off the back of a terrible time with my mental health and a very unfulfilling relationship. We were very happy together and have had many wonderful experiences. He means a huge amount to me.

For disclosure, he had an EA about two years into our relationship which was very hard but rightly or wrongly we worked through it. I wouldn’t say it bothers me now.

We’ve often had problems with sex, with him wanting it a lot more than me but whilst the actual sex is great, there’s not much kissing or foreplay which can make it difficult for me as on top of that, I’m not someone who spontaneously gets in the mood for sex every day.

I am in a busy job and it’s stepped up a lot this year. He refers to the time we have to spend together as “a few hours here and there” but it’s all of my spare time. The thing is, I usually am done with work around 6:30-7 at the latest so it’s not like I’m working until 9 or 10. I understand it’s still hard for him. He says he “wants more” from the relationship.

The biggest issue is that I now work with a man who my DP feels very uncomfortable with. He thinks he fancies me. I don’t personally think that he does and I don’t give him any reason to think that I fancy him, because I don’t. We are good work friends and I have no choice other than to work with him (the only way out of that would be quitting). I don’t see him outside of work and we rarely message, and if we ever do it’s about work 99% of the time.

Since starting work with this man and everything becoming way busier it’s been like I can’t do anything right at all - my DP is convinced I don’t want to be with him, that I am not into him etc. He has by his own admission become quite possessive.
Everything I do is wrong. I am often exhausted and talked-out in the evenings but if I want to spend any time on my phone just relaxing that’s a problem. I would never just ignore him all evening but that’s what he acts like I’m doing if I’m not actively speaking to him.

The other night I said I’d like to have a shower and he was annoyed because he “thought I’d want to spend time together”. I can’t live my life feeling like I have no control or agency and this, along with everything else, is making me feel as though I’m in the backseat of my life.

We have spoken about this all at length and it almost doesn’t even matter how we got to this point - what matters is the entire dynamic has changed so much. He fully believes that I’ve met this man at work and that it’s changed how I feel about him, which isn’t true. I had to spend half an hour explaining to him why I might want to go to the pub without him on occasion!

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and that he wants me to be happy and having a great time with him out of nowhere as if none of this has happened. It seems like he’s just done with me but he won’t end it.

I care about him deeply and I want him to be happy. I just can’t tell if there is any way back from this.

No.

Your man is unfaithful, crap & selfish in bed, needy, over-demanding of your time & attention, critical, jealous, unreasonable, & a pain in the arse.

He's building up to the pattern deployed by full-on coercive controllers.
Get out before it's you he's doing it to.

You are still so young OP. Spend some time with yourself, healing from this relationship, which so far has taken up nearly a fifth of your whole life.

The shower comment is suffocating, batshit, & frankly scary.
He is treating you as a possession, not a girlfriend.
You've seen how the abuse & control threads go on here. Please don't become an abused partner - which, if you stay with this pathetic yet frightening man, you will do.

You have your whole life to live, an exciting phase of your career to manage, friends to see, places to go ... you simply don't have time for this man, let alone wasting energy on "fighting" for him.

How do you feel when you imagine breaking up with him?
If you have any doubt, or spend any time placing his reaction to that above your own desire not to be emotionally abused any longer, please see this, & make time to do the course - because I suspect there has been more at play here than you had time or space to write about.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Don't be put off by the phrase "domestic violence" in the link. Emotional abuse IS domestic abuse, & all young women (& many of us older bats) would benefit from doing the Programme. It will help you keep men like this out of your life permanently.

Keep posting, OP.

There is nothing to rescue and or save here. All this person cares about is him. Hell he did not even want you to have a shower the other night because he wanted you to be with him!.

It should have been over between you anyway when he embarked on this emotional affair. How was that worked through exactly or did you merely box it up and file it away?. What did he do to reassure you at that time and in the months afterwards?. Did he go to counselling?.

There are many red flags about this person, not least of all his emotional affair, and you minimise these at your emotional peril. Walking on eggshells to my mind is akin to living in fear too. Do not do this to yourself any longer.

He does not care about wanting you to be happy does he?. He is also by his own admission now possessive but you're not his possession. You are not responsible for his happiness or supposed lack of; that is down to him. Re his inherent insecurity re this man; if it was not this individual it would be another man you were working with (a common behaviour as well with people who have cheated is that the cheater thinks the non cheating person has intent to cheat). He really does want you on a short leash.

Cut him loose OP, you do not need someone like him in your life and he will furthermore drag you down with him. Do not be a passenger in your life!. Do read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Do also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

'Your man is unfaithful, crap & selfish in bed, needy, over-demanding of your time & attention, critical, jealous, unreasonable, & a pain in the arse.'

ChargingBuck has pretty much summed it up there OP.

You are still so young. Don't waste anymore of your youth on this one.

Free yourself and move on. There are others out there to have fun with, to have really good sex with, to explore what a great relationship looks like for you.

Attila is right.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

He’s literally never been possessive before a few months ago. It’s really frustrating.

I guess ultimately it doesn’t really matter what it was like before. I don’t honestly see how this will change unless I quit my job which is absolutely not going to happen.

I feel like I’m walking on eggshells

Take your life back before they break

I’m definitely quieter and less chatty with him now, when he says I’m withdrawn he’s right, but it’s just taken it’s toll on me.

His insecurities are his issue. He is quick to accuse affair because that's what he did and is projecting his standards onto you.

Please end the relationship he is abusing you and it doesn't matter what you do it won't stop him punishing you for his insecurities.

Please take in the words written by ChargingBuck here.

He is now by his own admission possessive and he probably likes that level of power and control over you. Do not give him further opportunity to ramp that up against you. You do not have to walk on eggshells (aka living in fear) of him.

Keep your job and ditch this individual. He does not deserve you in his life.

@beautifulworldwhereareyou

I guess ultimately it doesn’t really matter what it was like before. I don’t honestly see how this will change unless I quit my job which is absolutely not going to happen.

Well done.

All the men who are possessive controlling bastards to the g/f had a point where they weren't being possessive.

All the men who hit their wives had a time when they hadn't hit their wife yet.

Abusive behaviour goes in cycles but it always, ALWAYS escalates.
"But he was so loving before!
He never subjected me to a half hour inquisition about my boss before my job changed!
He never used to criticise me before we moved in together!
He never forced sex on me until he raped me!
He was never violent until he threw me on the floor & kicked my ribs in!"

Stay with this man & he'll have you filling out a spreadsheet accounting for your time, refuse to allow you to go out with your friends, sulk if you file your nails instead of paying him devoted attention ... whatever, you get the picture.

What are your living arrangements?
How complex is it going to be to disentangle any shared aspects of the relationship?

You sound like a smart cookie. You will work this out.
Take some time to process your feelings, then saddle up your thoughts & spend some more time visualising how you can most easily break up with him, & dreaming about how free & clear & safe you will feel once you are free of this suffocating twat.

That’s a no from me OP. He isn’t treating you right, he doesn’t want you to have joy in your life.

@ChargingBuck We live together but I could literally just move straight back home with my parents. No joint accounts, nothing tying me to him financially. My name is on the lease but I could easily just go. We don’t have kids, our cat was (heartbreakingly) his before he met me.

I feel like basically he is just very insecure about this bloke at work. I do get on with him well - he makes me laugh. But ultimately like… he is a colleague and that’s it! I don’t even feel like the whys really matter, like I said. I’m going to continue working with him and I’m going to continue being busy and I can’t (and won’t) live my life feeling like I have no say over anything. First it was that I wasn’t texting him at work, then it was that I wasn’t texting him in the right way. He went away the other weekend and I worked for 8 hours on the Sunday, still sent him like 45 texts and he phoned me, annoyed, saying I seemed “off”.

I am going to ask him for a break and go to stay with my parents.

OP I met a man and before we had kids he fixated on one male in my life and made a huge fuss and effort to get me to cut him out. I too thought that was the only issue. Then we had kids and let me tell you, ten years in he is not now bothered about random men. He moved on to other more pernicious and damaging abuse, but all founded on the same ground of not caring about me, my needs or, to be honest, objective reality.

Well, I’m not going to “ask” him, I’m going to tell him that’s what’s happening lol

Nice one OP

Do not fall for any and all promises from him to change, looking at you with hang dog eyes following you around the room or his tears. What you’re now seeing from him is who he really is.

You need time and space away from him and to work out what you want from a relationship.

Indeed stay with your parents - and get a cat of your own. Make this break permanent.

[quote beautifulworldwhereareyou]@ChargingBuck We live together but I could literally just move straight back home with my parents. No joint accounts, nothing tying me to him financially. My name is on the lease but I could easily just go. We don’t have kids, our cat was (heartbreakingly) his before he met me.

I feel like basically he is just very insecure about this bloke at work. I do get on with him well - he makes me laugh. But ultimately like… he is a colleague and that’s it! I don’t even feel like the whys really matter, like I said. I’m going to continue working with him and I’m going to continue being busy and I can’t (and won’t) live my life feeling like I have no say over anything. First it was that I wasn’t texting him at work, then it was that I wasn’t texting him in the right way. He went away the other weekend and I worked for 8 hours on the Sunday, still sent him like 45 texts and he phoned me, annoyed, saying I seemed “off”.

I am going to ask him for a break and go to stay with my parents.[/quote]
Splendid news OP :)

Yeah - the texting ... see how he escalated it?
Whatever you give him by way of 'obedience' to his wishes, deferring to his crazy, or reassuring him about whatever he decides to get his knickers in a twist about this week, will never be enough.

Just one thing though - don't "ask" for a break. Tell him.
Maybe tell your parents first, & ask them to be around so you can bolt if Mr Suffocating kicks off.

Your parents have raised a level-headed young woman OP. Off you trot back to theirs, while you regroup & then find yourself your next home.

I feel like basically he is just very insecure about this bloke at work.

There a lot in your post, but just to drill down into the insecurity, possessiveness etc around your work colleague ...... he has cheated, he had possibly underplayed/lied about the extent to which he cheated (that's common); I think he's paranoid that ksrna is going to bite him on the ass, I think k ges convinced he's going to get punished for it (because you didn't dump him back then), I think hrs projecting his standards, inclinations, and behaviour onto you, avd thinks you could not not cheat haven't the opportunity (whichbhes paranoid you're getting even if you're not), noth because of his projected standards, avd because he probably winders how you could possibly not take rmaby opportunity for reciprocity & revenge.

His levels of paranois and pessimism would suggest a lot of guilt, perhaps because a lot more went on than was disclosed.

So he's a cheat, abd now hes abusing you abd trying to control you because hes a cheat.

He doesnt sound like great relationship material to be honest.

Sorry about all the typos.

First it was that I wasn’t texting him at work

But you shouldn't be texting him at work (!) and his insistence that you did could damage your work performance and reputation, which he clearly doesn't gaf about.

Just that if he feels (incorrectly of course) that if you're constantly, regularly texting him and thinkng about him and bonding with him etc; you won't be snagging your boss in the stationary cupboard.

But it didnt stop his behaviour anyway. Hassling yourself and interrupting your work to regularly message him didnt give him the control and reassurance he wanted; then your tone wasn't correct.

That is a black hole thst can't be filled.

The shower example is another case in point. You can't even get a shower in peace/without being criticised- its harassment, it's abuse.

The while thing says a great deal aboit hos thought process, his character, and his behaviour. He simply can't believe you're not bonking your boss, or something approaching it; what does that say about him given his own past cheating.

It's not easy for you but this guy has shown himself to be a cheater and now a controlling, paranoid, suffocating, needy, jealous (unjustifiably) bit of a lunatic. Hos behaviour has become unhinged and you shouldn't have had to put up with any of it.

Neither of them.male for decent partner material. He has completely fucked this relationship up, and I doubt he's going to grow a new brain and personality so ... Best to gtfo before any commitment.

The irony that he's the paranoid, jealous, possessive, obsessive, controlling one when he's the one who cheated too.

Op, move out before things escalate. He’s no good for you and you’ll be trapped before you know it.

My name is on the lease but I could easily just go.

I'd just check you can't be caught for rent for rest of lease.