My DP and I have been together for five years, by far my longest relationship. We got together when I was 22 and just out of university, off the back of a terrible time with my mental health and a very unfulfilling relationship. We were very happy together and have had many wonderful experiences. He means a huge amount to me.
For disclosure, he had an EA about two years into our relationship which was very hard but rightly or wrongly we worked through it. I wouldn’t say it bothers me now.
We’ve often had problems with sex, with him wanting it a lot more than me but whilst the actual sex is great, there’s not much kissing or foreplay which can make it difficult for me as on top of that, I’m not someone who spontaneously gets in the mood for sex every day.
I am in a busy job and it’s stepped up a lot this year. He refers to the time we have to spend together as “a few hours here and there” but it’s all of my spare time. The thing is, I usually am done with work around 6:30-7 at the latest so it’s not like I’m working until 9 or 10. I understand it’s still hard for him. He says he “wants more” from the relationship.
The biggest issue is that I now work with a man who my DP feels very uncomfortable with. He thinks he fancies me. I don’t personally think that he does and I don’t give him any reason to think that I fancy him, because I don’t. We are good work friends and I have no choice other than to work with him (the only way out of that would be quitting). I don’t see him outside of work and we rarely message, and if we ever do it’s about work 99% of the time.
Since starting work with this man and everything becoming way busier it’s been like I can’t do anything right at all - my DP is convinced I don’t want to be with him, that I am not into him etc. He has by his own admission become quite possessive.
Everything I do is wrong. I am often exhausted and talked-out in the evenings but if I want to spend any time on my phone just relaxing that’s a problem. I would never just ignore him all evening but that’s what he acts like I’m doing if I’m not actively speaking to him.
The other night I said I’d like to have a shower and he was annoyed because he “thought I’d want to spend time together”. I can’t live my life feeling like I have no control or agency and this, along with everything else, is making me feel as though I’m in the backseat of my life.
We have spoken about this all at length and it almost doesn’t even matter how we got to this point - what matters is the entire dynamic has changed so much. He fully believes that I’ve met this man at work and that it’s changed how I feel about him, which isn’t true. I had to spend half an hour explaining to him why I might want to go to the pub without him on occasion!
I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and that he wants me to be happy and having a great time with him out of nowhere as if none of this has happened. It seems like he’s just done with me but he won’t end it.
I care about him deeply and I want him to be happy. I just can’t tell if there is any way back from this.