Situation advise

[Oakley10]

I'm a 41 year old guy with no children in relationship of nearly 5 years with a 40 year old who also has no children. We obviously have been together since at our mid 30's and we had abit of plan that one day we may have children.

Things were going well in our relationship I get on really well with her family and we have had some holidays aboard together. We both work full time and are sensible with our money.
Three years into our relationship we bought a house together, and again everything was going well.

Then the most horrific thing happened to me. My parents split up after nearly 37 years of marriage and were going divorce proceedings. Mainly due to my father having an affair and a drink problem.

My poor mother could not take any more and decided to take her own life. I found her in the family home with a letter she left me.

This was just over 3 years ago,. My partner hasn't been the most supportive I have to say! I know she's not a counsellor and can't expect her to be. My mum had a pet and in the letter she asked me to look after it. But my partner would not accommodate this and it went to another member of the family.

On the whole I'm doing ok, I'm still working and try and keep myself busy.

In the last year I joined a club where all kinds of people attend. I mostly joined it because I work from home and it was good to get out of the house and socialise. My partner is not interested so I attend with a male friend.

After a few weeks I spotted one my partner's single friends there with her children.

So naturally we got talking, and I have to say we got really well. A few weeks down the line this lady announced her feelings towards me and told me that my partner doesn't appreciate me or didn't support.me when my mother passed away which I knew.

Since my mother has passed I've been very lost and have no bothers or sisters to confined in. Just an aunt who is my mum's sister.

My out look on life has changed since my mum passed.
At the moment I want to have lots of fun and enjoy life and I don't really want my old children now. Mainly because I don't want to go through the heart ache if there are complications. Also I'm 41 and feel I have missed the boat and again as my mum is not around I would feel very empty.

Nothing romantically has happened with this friend of my partners.

I do feel she would be very good for me as she is very upbeat and positive, she's never sitting still she enjoys getting out the house and doing new and exciting things.

But on the other hand I feel I'm letting my partner down as she had hopes and dreams with regards starting a family. I have told her I'm not so fussed now about children.

I have had a private chat with my partner's father and about children and openly and honestly he said I
don't think his daughter could handle having children because of her anxiety.

I'm after a views and opinions on my situation. Any advice is welcome 🙂

Well you've already decided this new woman is better than your partner, you are already re-writing your relationship history to be 'my partner is unsupportive' to give yourself a reason to cheat on her, so if you have any respect left for your partner, end your relationship.

Funny how you've managed to put up with her lack of support until this woman throws herself at you.

Oh, and people who imply that they would have more care for you than your current partner almost inevitably don't.

I have had a private chat with my partner's father and about children and openly and honestly he said I
don't think his daughter could handle having children because of her anxiety.

So two of the closest men in this poor woman's life got together and "decided" that she shouldn't have children because of anxiety? Lovely. Fortunately you've effectively wasted her last years to easily have children, so you've taken that from her in effect. It definitely sounds like you strung her along about having children.

My mum had a pet and in the letter she asked me to look after it. But my partner would not accommodate this and it went to another member of the family.

No one should have a pet they don't want, no matter what the circumstances are. This is not being unsupportive. Is that all the evidence to have for her lack of support? It's a bit weak, isn't it?

Your whole post sounds like pathetic jusitfications for why you should jump ship. Only after finding a ready made replacement for her though. Honestly, I'm not buying it.

I think you should scrap the idea of this other woman completely. But I do think it shows that things have changed for you since your mother's passing. It sounds like your perspective has changed and is no longer aligned with your partner.

People can and do change, especially after such difficult times. So I don't think it is fair for people to tell you that you have wasted your partners years of trying for a baby.

I definitely do not think this other woman is the answer though. Even if you got on really well, and started a relationship. I doubt it would last. I think its probably just another indication that your heart is not in your current relationship anymore.

@ChristmasFluff

Well you've already decided this new woman is better than your partner, you are already re-writing your relationship history to be 'my partner is unsupportive' to give yourself a reason to cheat on her, so if you have any respect left for your partner, end your relationship.

Funny how you've managed to put up with her lack of support until this woman throws herself at you.

Oh, and people who imply that they would have more care for you than your current partner almost inevitably don't.

A bit harsh. He didn't need to put up with her lack of support until a time came when he needed support. He's been through a terrible time and its obviously revealed cracks in his relationship that weren't an issue when life was going well. I agree that he should end his relationship though.

You have a perfect storm for an affair. You’re clearly unhappy but I’d caution that this may not be your relationship with your partner BUT the break up of your parents marriage, the affair and alcoholism of your father AND the death of your dear mother.

Tbh OP my advise would be to get yourself to a damn good counsellor and get some help to work out exactly what feels so very very wrong for you.

And leave the other woman alone. It would be so unbelievably cruel of you both to start any sort of affair, it would be a double betrayal and would destroy your partner on top of the fact her partner is reducing her chance to have children. You sound like a kind man and you would be moving so far from your true north I’m not sure you’d forgive yourself in the long term.

Counselling for yourself first! Then talk to your partner and rid yourself of this woman who is betraying her friend so badly by offering herself up to you.

Amd no more cost chats with her dad. You are not the people to decide whether or not she should have children. Talk to her!!!

Life's too short to live with regrets. Make the most of what will make you happy. Your decisions should reinforce that notion.

End your relationship, stop wasting her time.

If you want to follow up your flirtation with her friend, at least have the decency to end the relationship first.

You sound dreadful, full of excuses and no backbone to be accountable for the hurtful actions towards your partner.

Discussing your partners future childbearing with her own father is unforgivable, you are manipulative and should own up to the choices you wish to make.

Do not justify your current crap behaviour by blaming your circumstances or your partner.

Man up and tell the truth.
Make a choice, it may be the wrong one, but thats what adults do.

It's not up to you and her father to decide whether or not she can be a mother, so put that out of your patriarchal-bastard heads for a start.

That aside - any relationship can run out of steam. You've met someone new. That's why many people move on. Be clear and direct with your partner, end it swiftly and finally. Her wish for a family is not your concern.

Then go to your new woman and be happy. Life is short. Live it.

Thank you for your views and opinions, just to add abit more context on my current relationship. My partner quite often holds our relationship to ransom. if

I say I don't want to do something she will say she wants to end the relationship.
I think alot of us guys just bury our heads in the sand and get on with it.

I do 99% of all the house work and organise the day-to-day running of the household bills.

Yes I do need to man up and maybe some of you are right I maybe stringing my current partner along. However since my mum's passing my outlook has completely changed. I have never once been tempted by an affair and been totally devoted to my current partner. To be honest I'm still not tempted by her friend. It's nice that someone has taken in abit of interest in me, it's always nice to be liked.

I'm not bragging at all, I'm financially secure and have no debts. I'm very fortunate to have a brilliant friendship circle too. I thought it would be good to ask on here. As none of you know me personally.

Maybe abit of time to myself would be good rather then bouncing from one relationship to another?

The irony is my current partner has always said that her friend and I are very similar. I never really saw it at first but since going to this club. I have started to see it.

Life is to short. You are right and now I'm early 40's I really need to sit down and think what I want out of my life. In all honesty I want to have tons of fun and enjoy the company of good people and not be dragged down.

I wouldn't say I'm manipulative I never question or hold my partner back, I constantly encourage her to be the best she can. My view is, it's good to have good relationship with her father as he knows his daughter best. Yes fundamentally the decision is ours if we have a child or not.

But thank you for the stern talking too

Tiredofbs123
Thank you for the sound advise 👍

I don't understand the bit about hopes and dreams of children that you say your partner has.

You have been together 5 years. You have NOW told her that you are 'not fussed' about children??

Have you been stringing her along?

There is a lot of hostility here as expected even a man posts.

I think you are brave for trying to understand you're feeling and what you want in life.

Many of us change as we go through life, and sometimes what we think of one isn't actually true.

I would advise talking things through with the counsellor

*what we think we want can change I meant

So basically you’re posting to justify wanting to have an affair?

Because that’s what you’re saying.

If you don’t want children, why are you pursuing a single mother?

Bad form on all sides tbh.

But her 'friend' is fucking horrible. She is a viper dude. Think about it, what sort of person slags off her friend and tries it on with her husband? A snake, that's who. And of course she seems upbeat and like a breath of fresh air right now, because you catch flies with honey.

But all else asside, cut your partner free. Neither of you are making the other happy. If you wanted kids then the time to start trying was a few years ago. Maybe she isn't sure either or I think she would have been pushing for them before now. Unless she has and you've been stringing her along.

Either way, call it a day. But dont be a rat, stay away from her 'friend'. Or you'll deserve all you get when her mask drops.

I haven't read the full thread yet, just your original post. Very sad story and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think maybe if your current partner wanted children she wouldn't have waited until she was 40. Just my opinion.

You say you have missed the boat? You really haven't. My mother passed in 2013 and I was 32 at the time. I felt like you. Because she was no longer here, I didn't care about children etc. I have a 3 Yr old now and I'm glad I have.

It's a tough call. The pet thing got me. Very cold. If you're not happy I think you should leave and pursue a relationship that you may be happy in. But leave before anything happens.

This pet thing really hurt me hard because when my mum was alive my partner really fussed round it and enjoyed seeing it. So thought she would be a little more open to the idea of having it living with us.

In the heat of the moment my partner brings up my mum's death and uses it to hurt me. She also at times mentioned that she has planned her own death and even has the letter planned that she would leave her mother. I'm not looking for permission to start an affair with her friend not in a million years. Also I have asked me partner why she didn't you a child in her 20's and early 30's I mean she's has a few steady relationships before us.

It's really nice to get everyones take on my situation. No way am I going to rat on my partner it's not my style. I'm not one to be sneaking out of the house and arranging seedy meetings. I crap sex drive at the moment anyway 😂

I've always gotten on really well with other people's children and often been told I'd be a great father. However when I was born I had quite a few health complications which has always been at the back of my mind. When I met my current partner I thought right this is it. I'm nearly 40 let's get on it so to speak. But bam this thing with my mother happened and kinda screwed things up. I remember my mum say why don't you have a baby. Little did I know my mum may of been looking for a reason to live once she had a grand child. I do feel guilty if I had child it would be a bit of kick in the teeth to the memory of my mum!
I know it shouldn't feel that way, but it just does sometimes?

I’m sorry about why happened to your mum.

The thing about kids seems to be a red-herring - first and foremost I think you need to end your relationship as it sounds awful.

The other woman may be right for you, she may not. But there is no way you can even think about this clearly while still in your current relationship. You need to break up, then give that time to settle. Then if you and the other woman are both still keen a bit down the line, maybe that could work?

End your relationship first as it sounds quite shit for both of you.

I'm not sure you would be a great father, you sound pretty immature and pretty messed up to me.
Finish your relationship and get some therapy would be my advice based on what you've written.

lovingnewme,
Immature, Care to explain your reasoning? I'm confused

I think you need counseling before you make any big decisions. Your mother's suicide must have been, still be devastating. You've been through a lot in the last few years. When you're struggling emotionally it can be so hard to tell what is actually contributing to those struggles.

Though there are certain aspects of your partner's behaviour that really don't sound healthy, it's probably better to deal with the trauma you've been through first before you make a decision about your relationship.

I do wonder if having children is an urgent desire for her as you don't mention that she's wanted to start trying already, but I think you do need to tell her asap that you don't know if you want children anymore, because for her this is so time critical it's not fair to withhold that knowledge while you work out what you want.