Situation advise

[Oakley10]

I'm a 41 year old guy with no children in relationship of nearly 5 years with a 40 year old who also has no children. We obviously have been together since at our mid 30's and we had abit of plan that one day we may have children.

Things were going well in our relationship I get on really well with her family and we have had some holidays aboard together. We both work full time and are sensible with our money.
Three years into our relationship we bought a house together, and again everything was going well.

Then the most horrific thing happened to me. My parents split up after nearly 37 years of marriage and were going divorce proceedings. Mainly due to my father having an affair and a drink problem.

My poor mother could not take any more and decided to take her own life. I found her in the family home with a letter she left me.

This was just over 3 years ago,. My partner hasn't been the most supportive I have to say! I know she's not a counsellor and can't expect her to be. My mum had a pet and in the letter she asked me to look after it. But my partner would not accommodate this and it went to another member of the family.

On the whole I'm doing ok, I'm still working and try and keep myself busy.

In the last year I joined a club where all kinds of people attend. I mostly joined it because I work from home and it was good to get out of the house and socialise. My partner is not interested so I attend with a male friend.

After a few weeks I spotted one my partner's single friends there with her children.

So naturally we got talking, and I have to say we got really well. A few weeks down the line this lady announced her feelings towards me and told me that my partner doesn't appreciate me or didn't support.me when my mother passed away which I knew.

Since my mother has passed I've been very lost and have no bothers or sisters to confined in. Just an aunt who is my mum's sister.

My out look on life has changed since my mum passed.
At the moment I want to have lots of fun and enjoy life and I don't really want my old children now. Mainly because I don't want to go through the heart ache if there are complications. Also I'm 41 and feel I have missed the boat and again as my mum is not around I would feel very empty.

Nothing romantically has happened with this friend of my partners.

I do feel she would be very good for me as she is very upbeat and positive, she's never sitting still she enjoys getting out the house and doing new and exciting things.

But on the other hand I feel I'm letting my partner down as she had hopes and dreams with regards starting a family. I have told her I'm not so fussed now about children.

I have had a private chat with my partner's father and about children and openly and honestly he said I
don't think his daughter could handle having children because of her anxiety.

I'm after a views and opinions on my situation. Any advice is welcome 🙂

@Pinkbonbon

Bad form on all sides tbh.

But her 'friend' is fucking horrible. She is a viper dude. Think about it, what sort of person slags off her friend and tries it on with her husband? A snake, that's who. And of course she seems upbeat and like a breath of fresh air right now, because you catch flies with honey.

But all else asside, cut your partner free. Neither of you are making the other happy. If you wanted kids then the time to start trying was a few years ago. Maybe she isn't sure either or I think she would have been pushing for them before now. Unless she has and you've been stringing her along.

Either way, call it a day. But dont be a rat, stay away from her 'friend'. Or you'll deserve all you get when her mask drops.

If you only take on board one opinion make it the first part of this. Give this other woman a wide berth. Someone who behaves like this in a friendship will behave no better in a relationship.

I'm sorry about what happened with your mum OP, I cant even imagine the pain you went through/still must go through. And the relationship doesnt sound healthy at all.

However when it comes to having a child, you have time to go out and have fun and put it off. You can decide in a couple of years that you have had your fun and go and impregnate a younger model. Your partner will not have that luxury. Her window is closing, and she needs to move on now if she wants children. It may already be too late, but it definitely will be if you drag this out any longer and string her along. You need to be absolutely clear with her and let her move on, and it sounds like you need to move on for numerous reasons.

Oh, and as PPs have said, stay away from the "friend". Absolutely awful using what she knows about your relationship to hit on you and put your partner down. You don't need that in your life.

I think in your relationship is on its way out. Your partner sounds manipulative and draining. When you needed support she was emotionally unavailable. You'll have to be the one to end it because your partner will probably carry on as things are.

But don't rush into anything else, certainly not with her friend. Spend some time alone, get over this relationship first.

Some really sound advise guys.i want to leave my partner in the best emotional condition so she can move on as quickly as she's ready too. My view is "I'd rather see her happy with someone else, then unhappy with me'

I'm not selfish

I don't have the emotional capacity to go out of the way to be difficult.

I can't get this friend of hers out of my thoughts at the moment.

It's not healthy

Personally I do think your partner was being a bitch about the pet. It’s not just any old pet! We have no way of knowing what else she may or may not have said/done after OP’s mum’s death so why all the suspicion about whether she really was unsupportive?

That said, it’s pretty shitty to be sneaking around with this other woman and having conversations like that (and with her dad!) first and foremost you need to end the relationship as it sounds like it’s run it’s course. Then get some therapy and be single for a bit (and maybe get the pet back)

Give the guy a break!
If a lady had wrote this then im sure majority of you will be telling her to go with her heart!
I think you should go with your gut. You are clearly not overly happy in your current relationship, and why be stuck in something if you are not happy. Sometimes all it takes is for someone else to come along for you to realise how unhappy you are, and are not suited to the person you are with. Its not a bad thing to have different interests, but im guessing you like going out and your partner dosent. You are holding back on your life, to suit someone else, when you could be with someone who you can do things with as a couple. I mean not every couple needs to be stuck to the hip 24/7, but someone who shares your interests and is supportive is better for yourself. Trust me, dont settle for a life that is not you. I sound harsh, but i learnt the hard way. Wasted many years. If you do decide to leave your partner, obviously do it the right way and not behind her back. You seem decent and quite honest, going by what you have said.

This women has already showed she has no morals.
Do your partner a favour and break up you obviously want the other woman you've just put up with her till someone new comes along.
You're just asking for people to justify it so you don't feel bad.

Sometimes the grass isn't greener on the other side.

Typical MN, being mean to a man because he dares to post on here. If it was a woman writing the responses would be supportive 🙄🤔

Sorry about your mum, that is horrific and tragic.
I don't think you've processed your grief yet and I think you need professional help to do that.
It's easy to have your head turned when a relationship has gone south. Yes I know that's not a popular line on mumsnet but it's true. The integrity comes with acknowledging that and choosing not to take it further but to address the relationship instead. You're 41 not 21 so you have no excuse not to.
It's fine if your marriage has run its course. They do sometimes. But definitely stop the flirting with the OW. She's not the answer.

You want to leave your Partner ‘in the best emotional condition’?

You should have thought of that before you betrayed and publicly humiliated her with her ‘Friend.’

You and OW have established a flirtatious emotional connection to the extent that she has confessed feelings and you cannot stop thinking of her. OW is a low-life operator who manipulated you with flattery and criticism of P, and you fell for it. P doesn’t deserve your blatant disrespect and and disloyalty.

Step away completely from this malignant OW, and end your relationship with P in a decent manner so you can both move forward.

Wow the replies on this are unfair. Firstly - so sorry for losing your Mum in such a heartbreaking way. Going through something like that does make you rethink things and get perspective on your own life. It can also highlight issues within a relationship especially when you don't feel supported.

I don't think an affair is the way to go as there is no need for betrayal however it does sound like you are unhappy in the relationship and that it's not going to work long term. She wasn't there when you needed her the most and that's something you're unlikely to move past and may always resent her for. If something develops with this other woman afterwards then go with it but don't go down the cheating route.

Please ignore a lot of these comments they have no understanding of what you've been through or your situation.

I’m so sorry about your Mum as well: have you had any counselling? It really sounds like it would help to talk to a professional about how you’re feeling.

This new woman is just a distraction from having to deal with how you really feel about your partner- sort that out first and try to avoid the other woman

Hey guys so it's been a few weeks since I have updated you all on my endeavours.

My partner is now an ex partner and moved out last week, hurtful things have been said by both of us I'm not going to lie. However again she got physical with me and not just hit me the once. She best me up, I don't know why I haven't gone to the police I really don't. It has been 4 days and my arms are bruised and tender to the touch. She used her iphone as tool to hit me with.

She admitted to sleeping with an old male friend that has been pursuing her for a years.

Just to let you know nothing further developed with her friend, we still talk at our club but it seems like a friendship then a relationship.

My (ex) partner called me last night in tears wanting to patch things up, I think possibly because it was NYE and she is staying at her parents house and got sentimental. I didn't cave I spent the night on my own .

That's where I am at the moment.

Happy new year too you all 👋

Aw happy new year to you too. Am sure it will be a better one. I think you need time and a bit of therapy due to the shock of losing your mum.

You sound like a decent guy so best wishes to you for new adventures 🥂

Thank you for updating, Oakley.

You never mentioned that your Ex was violent. Her cheating was a terrible betrayal. It is certainly for the best that you have split up.

I hope you can now move through the grieving process for your mother. She would want you to have a happy and meaningful life. Consider seeking the support of individual counseling.

Good luck, Oakley.

So sorry for the loss of your mother.💐.
Do seriously consider counselling.The suicide of a parent is a more complicated grief than a death from other reasons. You may never be at peace with it but it helps to talk it over so it settles in a place that doesn’t overshadow your life so darkly.
Possibly also think about why you were attracted into a relationship where you were the ‘rescuer’; doing 90% of the house burden, and emotional punch bag. You don’t want to be repeating that.
Wishing you all the best in the new year.

Oakley happy new year.

Firstly well done for taking this step and breaking up. It clearly was a very unhealthy and toxic relationship. So you’re clear, plenty of relationships end and without either party thinking they have the right to physically abuse another.

Second of all, please get to counselling. Your mothers suicide will have been horrific and my concern is that until you adequately tackle that and deal with your issues, you will eventually either get pulled back into this relationship or ‘fall into’ another one which isn’t great.

This ‘friend’ is awful. Do not go there. No one, with any morals or appropriate boundaries let’s their feelings towards a friends partner of 5 years be known, whilst said person is still in a relationship with their friend. She’s shown you she has terrible boundaries and morals, that is who she is. Personally I wouldn’t go near that.

Counselling and stay single for a period of time. You’re vulnerable, use this time do some work on yourself and be selfish. Relationships take work and compromise and communication, just focus on yourself for now.

Good luck
(P.s I would also report my ex to the police)

Further update guys
I had a knock at the door on Monday 10/01/22 from a friend of the family to say my father died on the 7/01/22.
I knew nothing of this as if you read my early posts, myself and my father had abit of disconnected relationship since my mother committed suicide. I always wondered who would come knocking when the time came. By father died 3 years 4 months after my mum passed. He was living with woman he left my mum for. But always told me he still loved my mum. He gave up on himself and died of a broken heart is how I see it, after 37 years of marriage he just couldn't live with how he treated my mum and what he did to her. Such a shame rip

Sorry for your loss.
God Bless. Mx.