Partner has no respect for my sexual boundaries

[angryandscared1]

I'm so angry and upset. NC for this but regular poster.

I'm sorry this is quite long and some graphic descriptions of sexual nature so please don't read on if this isn't for you.

Partner and I have 7 month baby, things have been v stressful since baby was born, no time for each other etc. We've been working on it.

We very rarely have sex, it's just impossible to find the time or energy, both always exhausted. I'd say we have sex once every 2-3 weeks since baby's birth, it used to be every other day or at least 4 times a week so I understand his frustration. I also feel differently now, hate my body how it's changed so much (used to be slim and toned now have larger tummy and thighs), and also I just don't have much libido anymore.

Anyway last night we were kissing in bed etc and I said I wanted to try and have sex. I was very clear it had to be with a condom or nothing (I'm not on any birth control at the moment and definitely don't want another baby yet), and I also said I need you to be gentle and careful. He agreed. He then proceeded to be quite rough with his fingers, I had to remind him twice please be gentle that hurts. Then he attempted to penetrate me without the condom on, I said what are you doing, he said I wanted to "feel you" - I said again, no we need to take this seriously as I don't want to end up pregnant again. He seemed to accept that but the rest of the foreplay seemed half hearted so I felt he wasn't interested and was impatient to get to the "main event". He kept pushing to penetrate me (more with his body language than anything). I felt under pressure. He also had his hand on my throat at one point - I removed it but didn't say anything to him. After some foreplay I said ok we can do it now - he then entered me quite aggressively from behind without a condom (I didn't realise at this point he didn't have one on). I was so taken aback by how rough it was, I didn't know what to say or do, it hurt so much. He was being very aggressive, I tried to get up on my knees to stop the pain but I couldn't. I have no idea why I didn't just say stop, but I was in shock with it. Then he said he was going to ejaculate on my bum - I suddenly realised there was no condom. I started to cry and pull away from him then I just left the bed sat in the bathroom and cried.

Afterwards I said how hurt and angry I was that he has no respect for my boundaries. He claimed it was "hard to remember" to use a condom because we never used to before the baby. I think this is a ridiculous excuse, I said several times please use one. With regard to being rough with me, he said "I thought you wanted rough sex" (not sure how, I'd said several times during foreplay, please be gentle).

This morning he's making me feel like I've done something wrong. I said technically he had raped me by penetrating me against my consent without a condom - he got annoyed when I used that word and said "fine we aren't having sex ever again if you're going accuse me of that - from now on this is a sexless relationship and I'll stay just for the baby".

I'm so confused about the whole thing. Did he rape me? Should I have spoken up sooner and said stop when it hurt? I just can't make sense of any of it and I don't want him anywhere near me anymore.

You need to be seen by a medical professional as soon as possible @angryandscared1. If you can’t see your GP, you need to go to a hospital. I can’t tell you how important it is to get that morning after pill. If you are pregnant, that’s a whole can of worms you don’t want to deal with. (Emotionally, psychologically and legally.)

Do you perhaps have a friend you could call to stay with you instead? Someone who could be there if you told him not to come home? That you have been to the doctor and you are considering pressing charges?

*(This might give you some breathing space while you work out what is best for you.)

Let him know that you will pack a bag for him but you do not want him in the house. You do not want to speak to him at all and you do not want any phone calls or text messages for two weeks. You will text contact details with your DC as soon as you can arrange something suitable.

I'm so sorry that you've experienced such awful treatment at the hands of someone who is supposed to love you. Yes unfortunately it is rape. Can you perhaps speak to Rape crisis you shouldn't be alone with this x

@Honeyroar

Could you tell him you’re still upset and disgusted at him for his actions last night and his reaction to your comments this morning. Tell him you want him to go and stay somewhere else for a day or two while you get your head around the way forward. Don’t let him brush this off.

Again, the victim leaves...with a small baby.

If he had any decency at all, he would give her space.

But we know that won't happen

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I wish we could all be there with you to give you a big unmumsnetty hug.

You're head will be all over the place and we are giving you so much information.

There is brilliant advice on this thread. Maybe re read it again in a bit.

The current media spotlight on police rape culture and violence against women should have brought this to his attention.

Perhaps it has fueled his fire and sense of entitlement.

The shame should be all his.

It's because he's the father of my baby and I can't imagine him not being around in her life. It's not just mine and his life I'd be changing forever not I reported him, it's my baby's too. He's never done something this bad to ne before, I don't want to ruin his life.

You're in a really hard place right now, and you have all these strangers urging you to do something really difficult.

However...he can be in your baby's life. And if he's made to see that what he's done is wrong then he can still be a father (let him project 20 years in the future and his daughter is in the same postion...)

And never mind ruining his life, What's he doing to yours?

Wonderful advice here OP please do follow xxxxx

If it helps, telling him you want him to find somewhere else to stay tonight may help crystallise your thinking on what to do - to see what his reaction is. Of course if he's contrite and agrees I'm not saying to do nothing, but at least you have an extra day to think about it (that is not to say you shouldn't try to see a doctor ASAP to get checked out and arrange the MAP). But if he refuses to stay elsewhere, it might make it easier to accept you need to speak to someone about it right now, for your own safety.

I'm so sorry. I cried for you when I read your opening post.

There is a quote by Judith Herman which I think sums up how disparate attitudes to rape are:

“... in practice the standard for what constitutes rape is set not at the level of women's experience of violation but just above the level of coercion acceptable to men.”

I do think he raped you but he will not see it that way because he feels he is entitled to your body. Everything you wrote about his attitude is terrifying. It will escalate until you have no option but to shut yourself down to get through it. Our bodily integrity is worth so much more than we are taught to believe and the consequences of having it violated can be huge. Please contact rape crisis.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It's difficult but you need to try to change your mindset as you doing something to him if you report, to accepting that he will have done it to himself.

You say you're not afraid of him but do sound worried about what to say when he comes home and how to act. Do you have family or friends you can go to if you don't want to ask police to keep him away yet? Saying it out loud to another person will be scary and make it real but you need support.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You say you don’t want him to be convicted. Currently only 5.7% of reported rapes lead to conviction. The likelihood of your partner going to prison is infinitesimally small.

You wouldn’t be reporting him with an aim to prosecute and put him behind bars. This is to protect you. To enable you to get support and help. And to protect your baby girl. Right now she’s little. But she won’t be little forever. You need boundaries and protection for both of you. To get away from this man so that he doesn’t teach her that rape is ok.

What was he (really) like before you had your baby?

How long have you been together?

Asking this because I think you’re in an abusive relationship and because he thinks you’re trapped because of the baby, you’re seeing who he really is

This is not your fault, you didn’t cause any of this, and likewise you can’t fix it. He’s being like this because he wants to be.

Yes he violated you, yes I think you can rightly say he raped you, and now he’s punishing you.

He does have to go. ASAP.

Get you and your baby out of this as quickly as possible

Yes, please contact rape crisis before he gets home.
It'll help to have a rl person to talk to who is trained.

Op. Call your friend. If you were my friend I would be there in a flash. One small step, and let her help you. It will be ok. Not today, but it will be. Don't freeze now. One small step.

Can we just remember that this person is an actual human being with a life and a child ? Just because people have read a lot of stuff about a particular awful human being - doesn't make this particular in incident the same.

The action that a rape victim takes in regard to her perpetrator lies with the victim. It is not something that she can be bullied into by a forum of anonymous posters who have no understanding of her reality.

I was castigated and accused of 'projecting and covering for my own' by Chargingbuck, explaining the real life consequences of reporting her husband for rape - yet I stick by this. Why would anyone not want to know what there action will have ?

Once that allegation is made there is no going back. It will have long term consequences for her DH , OP and their child. (Even if she subsequently withdraws the allegation)

This DOES NOT MEAN I think she shouldn't. It simply means that she needs to understand the very real consequences of that action and weigh up HER best option.

In the VERY unlikely scenario of this even getting to court AND an offence being proved beyond all reasonable doubt - There is an a 99.9% chance of a long custodial sentence. The Minimum is 4-7 years.

The other reality is that she reports it and the CPS do not take it further simply because the burden of proof is so high and evidentially almost impossible to prove without a confession. Which will not help the OP in any way. It will still also exonerate her DH from an offence he has undoubtedly committed based on her original post.

Personally I would be making plans to separate. It would be the best way to protect myself and my baby's future. But legal routeways are open to you.

Op, reading this thread has made me feel sick. I am so sorry your partner did that to you. He had no right an no excuse for how he acted. Some men can pretend to be someone else for a very long time.

However, once someone shows himself for who he really is, please take it seriously, for your own sake as well as that of your child. He is dangerous and the safety of you and your family'(which he has shown himself not to want to be a part of) should take top priority.

Hes a policeman he knows exactly what hes done more than anyone

noone gets carried away when theyve been asked several time to not be rough-whats next strangling you to death?

I would text him and tell him that after he raped you last night, you need some time to process everything. Tell him you have packed a bag for him and ask him to make arrangements to stay elsewhere for a week minimum.

You don’t need to make any decisions right now, but I think you need to speak to the rape helpline and have him out of the house for a while.

rape. clear as day

Also you can get pregnant from pre ejaculation it happens all the time-please ring round some pharmacies and get the map

Is there someone in real life you can contact and say something along the lines of, "Can I come and stay for the weekend [to work out next steps]? I need to get my head round something and, with respect, would be grateful if you don't keep asking me what it is."

Asking him to go elsewhere might not work.

Please contact NCDV they can put you in touch with support which may involve him being asked to stay some where else tonight.

One thing I would say is that what happens to him is the consequences of his actions not yours. You can't protect him from himself.

Sorry for what happened to you. No one should enjoy sex with someone knowing the other person is in pain. For context, when I’ve had surgery and we’ve had sex afterwards, my DH is super gentle and doesn’t enjoy it as he’s worried about causing me pain, that is normal behaviour for you to see how vastly different his is. Sorry you are facing life as a single mum, but you will be vastly better off. You should never have to tell him more than once to be gentle. And the hand around the throat unless you’ve both discussed it is a huge no.
I would tell your friend in real life you are asking him to move out temporarily today. You have done nothing wrong and nothing you need to keep a secret from people in real life. People feed off the fact they think it’s your shame that will keep you silent.

Also yes, get the morning after pill today also as you can get pregnant still.