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Original poster

Need to stop DH becoming SAHD/Divorce tactics

47 replies

AnotherGo123 · 06/11/2021 06:50

DH is horrible. Gone into it on previous threads and definitely want to leave him.

However, he is due to start shared parental leave for 3 months from Jan. DC are 2 and 8 months. I can't stop this. His work and my work have signed up to it. Even if I left him now he would still take it and that would be a disaster

So surely I need to wait this one out?

I'm already back working from home and we have childcare in place for both DC which is working v well. Flexible. I'm able to work and still see them a great deal. They enjoy it.

The original plan was to take both DC out of childcare and to give them 3 solid months with H at home. But he has shown himself unable to look after them beyond being silly with them and watching telly. He can't deal with tears or mess.

He has suggested keeping both DC in childcare while he's on leave but reducing the hours. This is somewhat ridiculous as its so expensive and he was meant to be taking parental leave and I promise you all he wants to do is play video games. He is literally seeing it as a jolly of not getting dressed and sitting on his computer and playing strangers on the Internet in shooting games he's in his forties

But do I agree to this? A) I think it will be better for DC and B) surely it will prove that he can't get 5050

I would just leave now but he will insist on taking his shared parental leave and I'm concerned he just wouldn't go back to work. His work also sound like they're trying to get rid of him as he's so lazy

Basically I'm desperate to leave but I'm so scared of him finding a way to use this parental leave as a demonstration that he is the natural SAHP - when nothing could be further from he truth. He always says I'm "the career one" but I'm also the mother, cleaner, admin. His lack of interest in his job doesn't mean he should get the kids

Ahhhhh. Sorry. Bit confusing perhaps. Just going round and round in circles and feel so stressed.

Do I agree to keep paying for childcare even though he's on parental leave to play the long game?

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 06/11/2021 06:55

Keep the childcare and leave him. You don’t need him to look after the kids.

Whingasaurus · 06/11/2021 06:57

I'd cancel the childcare if he sits on his arse for 3 months you'll never get rid of him. Play the long game.

coodawoodashooda · 06/11/2021 07:00

Yes and do it immediately because of your fears of parental care. You need to void the intent of his action with an obvious alternative opposition. I have been through similar. My xh has no mercy. If yours becomes a sahm he will be more entitled than you to be the main parent. Youll end up, possibly, paying him maintenance and alimony. Get out urgently and be quietly ruthless.

GoodnightGrandma · 06/11/2021 07:00

He’ll have to go back to work when his leave is over, it’s just like taking annual leave, but he could give notice for his job any time.
I sense that you are panicking and thinking of all possible scenarios.
Stop. Take a breath, and continue with leaving.
I assume your ducks are in a row, he sounds like he’s not going to be much help either way, so see yourself as the one and only parent and plan it that way. Any help you do get off him will be a bonus.

frazzledasarock · 06/11/2021 07:00

I’d say sooner rather than later to start divorce proceedings.
As he sounds like he may not return to work after the ‘parental leave’.

Definitely don’t take your dc out of childcare if it’s working as it doesn’t sound like your H will actually do any childcare and you’ll end up with more work on your hands.

But I’d get legal advice first.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/11/2021 07:02

Keep them in childcare and wait out the parental leave until he goes back.
OR just leave now before the parental leave starts.

user159 · 06/11/2021 07:04

If I were you I would speak to a solicitor before making any of these decisions. A lot of high street firms offer a free 30 min call which could be worth investigating so you know where you stand before deciding this.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 06/11/2021 07:09

Thank you everyone. I've been up with the baby since 4am and then couldn't get back to sleep. DH came to bed at 2.30am after 8 hours of online gaming and started shouting about the baby crying.

I probably am panicking. The thought of this man getting custody is unbearable. But I've read so many horror stories. I think I'm a bit paralysed by it.

We own our house jointly (I put in the whole deposit but its in our names and we are married anyway so joint assset). How do I get him to leave a house he owns???

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 06/11/2021 07:11

You can’t, so you need to get this divorce moving. Are you planning to buy him out ?
Remember, if you are scared or feel threatened call the police.

MyButteredBread · 06/11/2021 07:14

I can't imagine the misery of three months of that sort of behaviour. It will get exponentially worse.

Get legal advice, please. You need him out, but you may have to leave instead. Brace yourself, and then do it.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 06/11/2021 07:18

Yes. That's my plan. I did speak to a solicitor briefly and she suggested some sort of thing where you agree to sell the home when they kids are 18 and give him 50% then. Obviously that would be amazing but can't imagine why he would let that happen.

H can't even book himself a train ticket and constantly talks about how incapable he is of "dealing with people". But you just know that as soon as I leave him he'll suddenly become more than capable of finding a SHL and doing everything he can to drag this out.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 06/11/2021 07:20

He will need a home so I can see him pushing for the sale.
Can you afford to buy him out ?

TorchesTorches · 06/11/2021 07:22

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you think he has any idea that you are thinking of splitting or is he oblivious? Definitely consult a solicitor with your different scenarios.

Slayduggee · 06/11/2021 07:40

Speak to a solicitor and file for divorce now that you have evidence that he provides no care for the kids and that you are the main parent

VickyPollardsTracksuit · 06/11/2021 07:46

Remember child support payments may be an issue, he needs an income to pay for them.

GoodnightGrandma · 06/11/2021 07:46

Your DH will need a home for himself where he can accommodate the kids when he has them.
You need to look at buying him out.

Wallywobbles · 06/11/2021 07:49

For gods sake see some lawyers. All lawyers are not equal so don't just go for the first one. You have 3 months to sort it out. I'd not agree to too much nursery time or he won't be motivated to go back to work. And that's your ultimate goal.

DifferentHair · 06/11/2021 07:54

I'd keep the childcare regardless of costs. It shows that when he had the chance to step up as a primary caregiving parent- he didn't.

The other reason would be for the continuity and security for your children. If you're about to go through a big life change (divorce, moving) then having consistency in their routine and keeping close relationship with their caregivers etc could be really grounding and healthy for your children.

DifferentHair · 06/11/2021 07:55

And yes- speak to lawyers about it.

unicornsarereal72 · 06/11/2021 07:56

Go and get legal advice. Look at your options. Can you buy him out of the house? Your babies are young. Do you want to be tied to him through the house for the next 18 years? Then what. Your children will still likely need a home and you will of had 18 years of maintaining and asset he will take half of. Will you be at a point that you can then buy him out?

Ozanj · 06/11/2021 07:59

Is this shared maternity leave? If so just tell your employer you are getting a divorce and no longer want to share it - they will cancel it

Cloudyzebra · 06/11/2021 08:06

If he got custody of the DC, he would have to actually do the work involved in looking after them, unless he has other family he can dump them on? Do you really think he is going to want to do that? The vast majority of lazy men like him will threaten to take the DC, but they are never going to actually do it in a million years as it is bloody hard work. I'd go ahead and get things moving. It is not going to be easy whenever you do it, so you may as well get it over with.

beautifulview · 06/11/2021 08:12

Keep the childcare. Can you cancel his plan of shared parental leave? Is there any way out of that?

beautifulview · 06/11/2021 08:14

I think if I was in your position I’d keep the kids in childcare under the basis of if you let their place go you won’t get it back. Let him do his 3 months and use that time to see solicitors and gather everything you need to divorce him. Will he return to work after the 3 months?

Porcupineintherough · 06/11/2021 08:17

Seems to me the best thing to so would be to start divorce proceedings asap. He is unlikely to agree to deferring taking his share of the house til the kids are 18 and you probably wont want to be handing over half the equity at that point anyway so think about a plan b.