Need to stop DH becoming SAHD/Divorce tactics

[AnotherGo123]

DH is horrible. Gone into it on previous threads and definitely want to leave him.

However, he is due to start shared parental leave for 3 months from Jan. DC are 2 and 8 months. I can't stop this. His work and my work have signed up to it. Even if I left him now he would still take it and that would be a disaster

So surely I need to wait this one out?

I'm already back working from home and we have childcare in place for both DC which is working v well. Flexible. I'm able to work and still see them a great deal. They enjoy it.

The original plan was to take both DC out of childcare and to give them 3 solid months with H at home. But he has shown himself unable to look after them beyond being silly with them and watching telly. He can't deal with tears or mess.

He has suggested keeping both DC in childcare while he's on leave but reducing the hours. This is somewhat ridiculous as its so expensive and he was meant to be taking parental leave and I promise you all he wants to do is play video games. He is literally seeing it as a jolly of not getting dressed and sitting on his computer and playing strangers on the Internet in shooting games he's in his forties

But do I agree to this? A) I think it will be better for DC and B) surely it will prove that he can't get 5050

I would just leave now but he will insist on taking his shared parental leave and I'm concerned he just wouldn't go back to work. His work also sound like they're trying to get rid of him as he's so lazy

Basically I'm desperate to leave but I'm so scared of him finding a way to use this parental leave as a demonstration that he is the natural SAHP - when nothing could be further from he truth. He always says I'm "the career one" but I'm also the mother, cleaner, admin. His lack of interest in his job doesn't mean he should get the kids

Ahhhhh. Sorry. Bit confusing perhaps. Just going round and round in circles and feel so stressed.

Do I agree to keep paying for childcare even though he's on parental leave to play the long game?

He sounds so lazy he won't really want 50/50 custody. He will threaten it though, just to try to hang on to his cushy lifestyle. Trust me , all he'll end up doing is being the fun dad once a fortnight, if that

Keep the childcare in place he cannot say he is the primary carer when they are in childcare

Can you cancel the shared leave?

Keep a daily diary of what childcare he does and length of time gaming for evidence

You need to phone Women's Aid and speak to them
They are absolutely brilliant. Speaking with the benefit of hindsight id also go to the police and start a paper trail of your concerns. As things escalate he will become more abusive. If you give the police strong enough reasons they will help you get out.

Ask to cancel his leave.

simply-docs.co.uk/Shared-Parental-Leave-Documents/Request-to-Cancel-a-Period-of-Shared-Parental-Leave

The employee can cancel his or her proposed SPL following the submission of a period of leave notice, provided that he or she gives written notice to cancel the leave and makes clear what change he/she is seeking. Any variation/cancellation must be made at least eight weeks before the dates varied/cancelled begin.

Play the long game here

Leave the kids in childcare, it will prove he took 3 months off but couldn’t actually look after them

Start to write down episodes like last night when he couldn’t cope

Start to plan you way out, find yourself a SHL now ahead of him

Remind yourself it’s only 4 and a half months away to the end of his paternity leave

I could possibly afford to buy him out. At a real stretch and possibly with a small loan from my sister. I could maintain the house, bills and childcare on my income just about, but our lifestyle would change, but that's OK. Kids are tiny and have more than enough toys etc.

I just am trying to work out how to stop him arguing for 5050 or even full custody. If you could hear him every day..."I just wanna be at home with the kids, I don't care about work, life is so great at home with the kids."

He's still in bed right now of course. And I've done two breakfasts, two nappies etc etc. But he spins a good tale and he's right that I've gone back to work quickly after DC2 was born.

I don't see how I can cancel his leave. What am I going to do? Call the HR team at work and tell them we have changed our mind? He will refuse to cancel it and its his work who have agreed with him the time off.

He was suggesting we keep kids in childcare because then we don't lose the spots but it's really because he wants to sleep and game. I think I'll agree to it and then observe how bloody awful he is over the 3 months and keep evidence notes. If that even counts for anything.

I know getting out quickly is usually key. But leaving a manipulative petty H less than 6 weeks before he takes parental leave seems like madness in terms of the custody risks??

Be realistic if you are divorcing he will become a single parent when he has them. And he will have them to stay for up to 50% of the time. It is very unlikely that this won’t happen.

His paternity leave affords him the opportunity to step up and become a decent parent or he will be an abject failure. If he improves his parenting then that’s best for the children especially if you divorce. They can still have a safe bond with their father. Which is surely what you want for them.

If he is a disaster then you have evidence to contend he is not capable. But this will have to be at a threshold of neglect.

If you are going to divorce then you and he will need every penny. If he is able to look after them for 3 months then save the money. If he would be better off in work then be honest about the future and tell him to stay in work.

Right now OP you are the one withholding information about the future then blaming him for how he might react to that information. You are creating your own risk.

@Chloemol

Play the long game here

Leave the kids in childcare, it will prove he took 3 months off but couldn’t actually look after them

Start to write down episodes like last night when he couldn’t cope

Start to plan you way out, find yourself a SHL now ahead of him

Remind yourself it’s only 4 and a half months away to the end of his paternity leave

Yes. Play the long game. That's excellent advice. Keeping your kids in childcare while he's off is also good concrete evidence he doesn't give a shit. Start buying clothes the next size up.

He will get the shock of his life when he's as home with the kids ! He won't be able to get back to work fast enough !

However, as he's taking the piss and just wanting to be gaming and sleeping for 3 months whilst going on and on about just wanting to be at home with the kids.

He thinks (and is planning) to have three months play time with the kids in day care and you doing the parenting shit work as well as everything else.

Call women's aid and explain the situation to them. Ask them if you can address your concerns about how shared parental leave is going to be abused by him to his boss. His work probably won't care as it gets him away from them for three months.

How would you feel if he got his redundancy letter during his parental leave ? Or any other correspondence advising him that his employment was ending ?

I think, as has been advised, you need to move quickly. Bugger shared parental leave. Get going with your plans.

Brace yourself for the whining etc. Now that you've spoiled his fun. his plans and intentions to take the piss for three months.

Document everything.

Find a really good solicitor and get advice before doing anything concrete.

Personally I'd leave the kids in childcare and let him get on with the three months away from work. Keeping a very clear record of the days and times they were in childcare, and all of the things that you did (cleaning, cooking, medical appointments and so on).

Just so you’re aware, in terms of getting a court order for the children’s arrangements, you’re currently looking at 6-9 months to even get through the court door, so if you’re worried about him being able to get a court order during his parental leave, there’s no way. I do think though, you need to know what he does after his parental leave (in terms of employment) before you decide what your strategy is for the finances and the children.
Definitely get some legal advice to start with.

YOU need a SHL ASAP to go through all the possibilities and what would best or you and the dcs.

Keep the childcare for the 3 months. Talk about keeping the spots etc…

Do NOT truly believe he wants the dcs 50/50. He doesn’t. He doesn’t give a shit now. No way he would ever actually have the dcs 50/50. That’s for show and to keep you at your place.

Also I’m not actually sure that any judge would actually be happy to go 50/50 with an 8 months old baby tbh…

He sounds totally useless and you’re doing the right thing by leaving.

I wouldn’t worry about him having/arguing for 50:50 at the moment as that is a long way off. He may say it, but actually doing it is a totally different thing. It also takes a long time to ge got that stage so try not to expend energy worrying about him fighting for 50:50 (he might mention it but he won’t actually wan it and will probably just let contact fizzle out).

Have you had a conversation about him starting to do all of the childcare as he’s going to be doing on SPL? Can’t remember from your previous threads. I’d be telling him that as he’s going to be doing 90%+ of child/household stuff then he needs to start now. He’s going to have to learn so many things (how sandwiches need to be cut up, which plate needs using, where to buy the food they like/will eat) so he might as well start now. He can start doing a day a weekend when he’s totally responsible for the DC household. If he doesn’t agree and start womaning up and actually doing something, I’d bring the divorce forward and not even wait until the SPL is finished.

Btw it is essential to keep the dcs in nursery for those 3 months.

Yea there is a cost etc… but how hard would it be for you to find a nursery again? Even if everything was rozy, I wouldn’t actually chose to do that.

In your situation, what do you think would happen if there is no nursery place and he decides to just go back to work. Who would have to stop work, juggle etc? It won’t be him….

I agree @Lolapusht

If I remember well he had half term off. Did he actually look after the dcs then?

Sounds like he’s got a gaming addiction. He should take leave to get rehab

He sounds a lot like my stbxh, but worse! He's currently fighting for 50/50 despite being an utterly selfish person. He's deluded.
No service to give, just some sympathy .

*advice

Don’t wait whilst he’s on paternity leave.

Because then the precedent will be set. He’ll be the SAHP whilst kids are at full childcare and your picking up the bill for everything.

Get legal advice properly.

OP, My ex demanded 50:50. He lasted 3 days before he was on the phone demanding I collect ds because he needed a break. And we only have one.

Try not to worry too much, your dh might manage one weekend with nappies and night feeds, then he'll never want to do it again. .

If you are sure it's over, get on with leaving him now. Make sure your dh understands that his SPL will involve him having full overnight care of dcs, allowing you to return to work. He will have to deal with poo & vomit and sleeplessness, with no excuses.

My xh didn't do a thing before i threw him out. He was barely at home and when he was he did hours and hours of gaming too. Now he sees them eow and half the holidays. He doesn't do anything with them. They come home an absolute mess. Op you need to approach this like a war.