Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Is it possible to EVER recover from it?...

39 replies

EveninEden · 05/11/2021 14:19

It's been over 12 years for me - I'm still alone/single, it still impacts my life enormously. I don't know anyone else that's been through it, so I just feel like I have no one to talk to about it/anyone that understands...
I'm so tired of feeling so 'lost'...
The physical abuse was easy to recover from - but the psychological and emotional damage feels impossible to get over... still.
I know I'm not alone, but I feel it...

OP posts:
Blackopal · 05/11/2021 14:23

You're not alone.
There are many of us on here.
I am really sorry for what you have been through.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/11/2021 14:25

Yes have been
Partially yes to recover from. Have had psychiatric counselling focussed on trauma which helped a lot. In a really good marriage now.
But some things stick with you, think they always will and I have come to place of acceptance. Think it makes me stronger instead of broken. My DH is very understanding as he too has been abused in prior relationship so there is no pity or judgement, just understanding and empathy.

Bluebells34 · 05/11/2021 14:27

13 years on and I am the same. You are not alone. I think the fear of going through that again is the biggest thing for me. I have my own home and space and could not chance givng that up.
Unless you have been abused I don't think anyone realises the deep rooted damage they do

weleasewoderick23 · 05/11/2021 14:29

Me too. I've been on my own for 13 years and my exh, the abuser, died recently and it just stirred up all sorts of emotions that I'm trying to deal with still.

Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 14:30

Thank you Blackopal...
I feel like my 'damage' has taken root to such an extent I'm beyond help.
My job is very social and chatty, and I'm well rehearsed on faking the happy smiley role, but my internal scars just seem to impact my life more and more... I'm very tired of the battle.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 05/11/2021 14:30

Yes,it is! My first H,was mentally, physically, sexually abusive. I was with him 20 years,the police in those days weren't interested in "domestics". You didn't admit it to anyone.we lost our house,he stopped paying the mortgage,after re mortgaging by forging my signature. I was put in emergency accomodation,my youngest was 6, it was going to be B &B 30 miles away,I had no car,in those days,you had literally just bed and breakfast,and had to leave at 9am. Then the council gave me a Victorian house that was being demolished. A year down the line,housed,new bloke I met at work,new baby,got married, the following year became a GM wouldn't give exH the satisfaction of being a victim. I wish you all the best

Bluebells34 · 05/11/2021 14:34

How long were you in the abusive relationship for?
Remember being single is not a negative thing - at times I am just glad I am free and not back in that very dark place

Mynextname · 05/11/2021 14:37

I don't think it's possible to fully get over after all all of our experiences shape us in some form or another. Perhaps in the future I may have a different answer though.

Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 14:37

Exactly - I have my home and my children, I can't ever imagine wanting to risk giving my 'safe bubble' up.
I met a guy 6 years ago - we've only ever been away for weekends, dates etc... we have had a tough 'on/off' relationship because ALL I can do is convince myself that every little thing he does, or says etc is a sign he's abusive too. I have analysed and over-thought everything he's done... it causes arguments, we split, he eventually gets in touch to talk... he's lovely and he makes me laugh, but I've essentially convinced myself that he's bad, it'll never go anywhere, and my issues are just too far gone to find the strength to trust and try... I truly feel like I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone...

OP posts:
Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 14:42

Goodness nannybeach - I'm so pleased you found happiness! Sadly I found the police pretty useless too - they even called me one morning to tell me he was "on his way to your house and was carrying a bat, but we'll get there if and when we can" Sad

OP posts:
Timeforwinterclothes · 05/11/2021 14:43

You will be able to file it away. It's been forty years since I fled my abusive XH. He tried to strangle me and run me over as well as the everyday violence and threats. There was no help in those days. No police involvement or refuges etc. He was also a lawyer so gave me hell during the protracted divorce. It was a relief to be safe with my DC. As time has gone on the hurt has receded. I saw him last week, and saw an old man with no teeth and suffering from cancer. We are on friendly terms because he's no threat to me in any way. I think it was when the youngest reached the age when maintenance stopped that I was fully free. This applied to my fears from the abuse.

Hen2018 · 05/11/2021 14:47

17 years single here - which is much longer than I was married for!

Never got any sort of justice, though probably would these days, with more knowledge and the new coercive control laws.

Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 14:49

I think that's so strong to be able to see him and be ok/on friendly terms!- I saw my ex while out one day a couple of years ago and I was almost vomiting with stress in the car park. It was a totally involuntary, overwhelming physical response that took me hours to recover from - and I hate that it still affects me so much.

OP posts:
Inextremis · 05/11/2021 14:53

Yes, I was, and I think I've recovered from it (it only lasted a year or so) but it changed me. It made me realise that I was physically weak compared to a man, and therefore vulnerable. It taught me that it was possible to physically shake with fear (I'd always thought that was hyperbole). It made me doubt my judgement (how could I have let him into my life?) and - finally - it taught me that I couldn't fix everything (if only I didn't do things that annoyed him) and that some people are just like that no matter what. It took me seeing a newspaper report of him being arrested for abusing another woman to understand that there was nothing I could have done to change him - it was about him, not me.

Having said all that, I've been with a lovely man (now DH) for 27 years, and no longer have nightmares about my abuser. DH makes me feel safe. I hope others who find themselves in abusive relationships manage to survive and recover as I have.

Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 14:53

Is it ever possible to trust your own instincts again... when you got it so very wrong before? I've gone from having so many friends and a great social life, to being quite reserved and isolated - I never wanted to be a victim, but I don't seem to be able to help myself...

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 05/11/2021 14:56

17 years on for me. No physical abuse (although I was often scared that it might happen) but he was a bully and control freak who had me constantly walking on eggshells and regularly used to smash things and punch holes in doors

I’m now married to the most wonderful laid back man 😊 but I regularly have flashbacks and still feel like crying when I hear a man shout. Thankfully that doesn’t happen at home, only at work

💐 for everyone, we can do this 💪

Bluebells34 · 05/11/2021 14:57

I did not have a god experience with the police - they were aware I was in an abusive relationship and they would turn up at the house asking if I was ok - his van was on the drive and clearly in so when they left you can imagine how angry he got.
Self preservation is always going to be there after abuse

Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 14:58

Oh I'm so pleased you found happiness Inextremis - it's lovely to know it IS possible to overcome for some people.
The physical affects of fear and the huge lack of doubt in my own judgement really is something I never knew could be so very bad and seemingly impossible to overcome.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 05/11/2021 15:04

Is it ever possible to trust your own instincts again... when you got it so very wrong before?

Oh OP, you got nothing wrong before. It’s a myth that we have instincts that magically tell us who is an abuser and who is loving. You can vet men but to do so, you need time, information and that requires some kind of relationship even if just casual friendship.

Like a pp said, it’s a him problem, not a you problem. There’s nothing wrong with you that led to you being abused. You are not at fault in any way.

Maybe call women’s aid or other charity and ask about group therapy or support groups as you are struggling with recovery. It’s a horrible ordeal to have survived, and you deserve support so you can feel better.

Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 15:06

Has anyone had counselling and found it helpful? I appreciate it may sound a little 'OTT' but my father was abusive also, a lot of my younger years where lost in abuse and family 'turmoil' - I'm concerned my issues are perhaps too deep-rooted to be fixable...?

OP posts:
Original poster
EveninEden · 05/11/2021 15:09

Thank you PDR - I didn't know women's aid would still be able to help/offer support after 12 years? I really do try very hard to tell myself it wasn't my fault, I feel like that works until I'm in ANY position that requires me to trust - even friends... and I again find myself shying away from relationships, friendships etc, back to my safe, but very lonely 'bubble'.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 05/11/2021 15:10

Yes I think it is. As with every experience, you learn from it, but I don't let it shape me.

I've been sexually, physically and emotionally abused for years from childhood and through to relationships. However I've refused to let them win. I am now for the last 10 years been in the best relationship of my life. I am happy, safe and secure. I don't flinch at raised voices or loud noises. I don't shy away from nights out with alcohol. I can have a touch on my neck without thinking I'm going to be throttled. I've healed and learnt. It is possible

beaverdiego · 05/11/2021 15:19

I took a decade to feel ready to be with someone again.
My abusive ex I had known for 12 years, together for 5 and it came to a close when the police arrived on the doorstep one day, he was arrested and charged for some crimes (unrelated to the abuse).
In the ten year gap I attempted dating a few times, found myself in a 'relationship' (yeah right!) with someone already with someone else (I know. Not proud of it. But it wasn't just me he was seeing either). I met someone this year when I still wasn't really looking. He's different and I'm trusting my instincts, I feel safe with him. So much so we are engaged and planning a future together. I used to get annoyed at myself for 'still' not being over it and healed, still get frustrated at that to be honest, but I'm trying. Go easy on yourself x

Ema52 · 05/11/2021 15:20

@EveninEden

It's been over 12 years for me - I'm still alone/single, it still impacts my life enormously. I don't know anyone else that's been through it, so I just feel like I have no one to talk to about it/anyone that understands... I'm so tired of feeling so 'lost'... The physical abuse was easy to recover from - but the psychological and emotional damage feels impossible to get over... still. I know I'm not alone, but I feel it...
Same. Its been 7 years for me. The emotional damage and how I view the world is unrepairable.
Bluebells34 · 05/11/2021 15:25

@Ema52
The emotional damage and how I view the world is unrepairable.

so true

Swipe left for the next trending thread