Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Is it possible to EVER recover from it?...

[EveninEden]

It's been over 12 years for me - I'm still alone/single, it still impacts my life enormously. I don't know anyone else that's been through it, so I just feel like I have no one to talk to about it/anyone that understands...
I'm so tired of feeling so 'lost'...
The physical abuse was easy to recover from - but the psychological and emotional damage feels impossible to get over... still.
I know I'm not alone, but I feel it...

Same. It's been 12 years + for me too. Had a DV worker allocated to me by social services, help from Women's Aid, years of counselling and it still impacts me enormously. Completely agree the physical abuse was easy (sexual less so...), it's the psychological and emotional damage that haunts me daily. It's not helped by the fact I'm forced to co-parent with him. I have to deal with him and because of this he's just heaped more damage on year after year. I fall to pieces every time I have to communicate with him. It does not help he is now emotionally abusing our child ( or at least this is what social services say).

I know I'm physically safe now and that he can't assault me anymore but the world is not a safe place - never will be. I don't feel I will ever recover, nor be able to have a relationship again.

I don't think I will ever recover from my abusive relationships. I don't really trust anyone and I am very, very guarded and don't feel emotions properly.

I spoke to a counsellor during lockdown and she said that I was probably in fight or flight mode pretty much all of the time. I always feel agitated, uneasy and not at rest. It's very hard to describe but I don't feel like I am living, but just existing.

However the same counsellor said she was "hearing a lot of complaining" so I am not sure she is the best judge of how I feel.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones
However the same counsellor said she was "hearing a lot of complaining" so I am not sure she is the best judge of how I feel.

And this was a counsellor - think she needs to re think her job choice - awful response

The anxiety it leaves you with is overwhelming

I wonder this too. Mine was only emotional abuse but over many years. I get triggered all the time in my new relationship, I do wonder at times if I should just stop trying & struggling in my new relationship & just be alone. I know what you mean about being convinced he’s also abusive, when I think my previous experiences at times make me overreact. I think this would make me feel safe but I guess then he would win

I guess we have to give ourselves time to heal, hopefully it gets better

Bluebells34 - Thanks. It was awful. It kept playing around in my head for a long time afterwards. This was an NHS referral as well! So you get five or six sessions and then that's it.

I'm thinking about trying to find another counsellor but I'm not sure I can open up if the person listening thinks I'm just complaining all of the time.

@Hen2018

17 years single here - which is much longer than I was married for!

Never got any sort of justice, though probably would these days, with more knowledge and the new coercive control laws.

I doubt it. Very few people really believe or understand.

I’m nearly 4 years out after my second abusive marriage. I also had childhood abuse.

I’ve had years of counselling, am friendly, outgoing, outwardly confident but I really think I’m eternally damaged underneath. I don’t trust anyone. I attempted a relationship and it was a disaster. I went for coffee a couple of weeks ago with someone and the anxiety after it was palpable. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there but I’m happy on my own for the moment. Maybe something will change within but I’m not counting on it.

@EveninEden

Is it ever possible to trust your own instincts again... when you got it so very wrong before? I've gone from having so many friends and a great social life, to being quite reserved and isolated - I never wanted to be a victim, but I don't seem to be able to help myself...

Hard to tell because I don't know you, but have you considered that there might be a good reason why you were so lost? Why you got it 'wrong'?

Sometimes the reason why you can't sense something when you should have is because of wishful thinking, love clouding your judgement, but other times it's because it's just not there. Sometimes, certain characteristics lie dormant in some people until something switches them on, and that's not always easy to predict. Some people are also very good at hiding them, and also very good at manipulating others. Some women get incredibly confused by their partner's complex character, the whole Jekyll & Hyde thing.

It's also difficult to know sometimes how much someone's behaviour is going to escalate.

Did you really trust your own instincts? Like, really trust them and listened to them? Many times in abusive situations, the alarm bells went off many times, but something, maybe several things meant you weren't listening to them.

I dont think you ever get over it. It has been 27 years for me and I'm still very cautious and protective.

It fundamentally changes you.

I've had counseling and while I'm pretty much at a place where I don't blame myself for it all, I'm still terrified of him. Thankfully DC does all the communication with him herself now, but very occasionally he texts or emails about something DD related - even totally bland and non argumentative- and I'm a gibbering wreck. I haven't laid eyes on him in over 6 years but the power that wanker has to fuck with my head from afar is debilitating.

'I haven't laid eyes on him in over 6 years but the power that wanker has to fuck with my head from afar is debilitating.' - Precisely Youcancallmeval... and it's frustrating that these monsters can still have that power.
EarthSight - in all honesty, yes, I understand what your saying, and in hindsight/reflection, frighteningly - there WHERE red flags, but I just... ignored them, excused them? - 'he's had a bad day at work', 'he's such a good guy, I'm sure it must be something I'm doing wrong'... excuse after excuse... I guess I so badly didn't want to recognise/acknowledge/admit what he really was - to admit it meant I had to do something about it, and I guess at that point I had no idea what...?
It's a kind of a two-factor 'insult' - not seeing the real them in the first place, then when you finally do - your reaction is to 'excuse' it, play it down... be it denial, fear, some kind of preservation mechanism - all of these... it still leaves you fearing you're unable to trust and rely on your own judgement, therefore ANYONE could potentially inflict the same trauma... it's frightening beyond measure.

Hi OP. I found the Freedom Programme a real help. I’m less than a year out and definitely not thinking about another relationship yet. When I feel myself starting to think I made the abuse up, I revisit parts of the programme and it reminds me. The programme also teaches you what good relationships look like.

@EveninEden

Exactly - I have my home and my children, I can't ever imagine wanting to risk giving my 'safe bubble' up. I met a guy 6 years ago - we've only ever been away for weekends, dates etc... we have had a tough 'on/off' relationship because ALL I can do is convince myself that every little thing he does, or says etc is a sign he's abusive too. I have analysed and over-thought everything he's done... it causes arguments, we split, he eventually gets in touch to talk... he's lovely and he makes me laugh, but I've essentially convinced myself that he's bad, it'll never go anywhere, and my issues are just too far gone to find the strength to trust and try... I truly feel like I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life alone...

Are you over-analysing because deep down you know he is an arsehole, too?

Just suggesting because I've been guilty of this, the over analysing, but I was also right.

@EveninEden

Has anyone had counselling and found it helpful? I appreciate it may sound a little 'OTT' but my father was abusive also, a lot of my younger years where lost in abuse and family 'turmoil' - I'm concerned my issues are perhaps too deep-rooted to be fixable...?

Yes, I've had just over a year of counselling and still having more.

It's taken me from a place where I was deeply traumatised to managing far better. Actually telling my story and admitting the sexual things that happened were abuse helped a lot. I've been able to express my anger and fears and have made a lot of progress.