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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner can’t stand my mother

59 replies

Lollypopla · 04/11/2021 10:57

He said i cant stand her I don’t want to be around her any more.
Shes not done anything, he said she said hello to him in a sarcastic way at a recent family occasion. Implying that its suprising to see him, which to be fair he never visits or socialise with my family anyway.
I said she wouldn’t be like that its not her but he said im too dosy im in a bubble and don’t notice anything.
He said she loves drama but i can tell you now she is the opposite of that.
She does say the wrong thing sometimes but its more a nervous thing to fill a silence.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 04/11/2021 12:54

I suspect you'll end up in a no-win situation where he either projects that they hate him when they see him or they want to avoid him or that you spend too much time with them. If someone is determined to find fault then 'long time no see' can be passive aggressive though he is really scraping the barrel if he found fault with 'hello' - presumably if they'd not said that then he might have complained that they'd not greeted him 'properly'. Your family must be wonderful if the worst he could use is 'hello'. How long have you been together and what do you want, OP?

Redjumper1 · 04/11/2021 12:56

Does he ever stop you from seeing them? Is this the first time he has complained about her? Seems like there is more to it

mpz731play · 04/11/2021 12:56

If your DM said 'thats all you get out of him is yes' then that changes it a bit doesn't it? That's shaming someone. Is he reserved and is she more outgoing?

FlowerFlour · 04/11/2021 12:58

Your boyfriend sounds weirdly oversensitive, has he always been like that?

I bet your family are on pins worrying that if they even say 'hello' to him he'll take it the wrong way. Do you really want to be with someone so paranoid and always thinking the worst? I couldn't be bothered with it.

Original poster
Lollypopla · 04/11/2021 13:02

No he doesn’t stop me seeing them,
He is reserved and anti social
Shes not overly social I really dont think she meant anything by it.
She was like that when we were kids shaming us but im not sure she realised she does it.
Shes never said to me she doesn’t like him.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 04/11/2021 13:05

They sound like normal parents to me.
Perhaps he’s too sensitive.

Platax · 04/11/2021 13:06

Do you socialise with other people with your partner? How is he with your friends? It's really a bit worrying if he is so against making any effort to get to know your family properly.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 04/11/2021 13:06

If I'd gone to an event for the benefit of my partner when I wasn't particularly comfortable in the company of their family already - and they'd then been sarcastic towards me for showing up on the two most recent occasions, I wouldn't be going again, either.

mpz731play · 04/11/2021 13:07

It's horrible to be shamed for just being yourself. Particularly when a person is reserved.

Aderyn21 · 04/11/2021 13:08

The trouble is he's now looking for offense, even where none exists. And people who are looking will always find it.
He's put you in a really horrible position. It's going to be very apparent soon to your family that he doesn't like them and is avoiding them, if they haven't realised already, which put you right in the middle. This was very selfish of him.
I'd struggle to maintain a relationship with a man who was okay with putting me in that awkward position where I eventually have to say to my family that my partner didn't want to see them. It would hurt my parents that I chose to remain with a man who could be so mean about them.
It sounds like he can't tolerate any sort of gentle ribbing, which is perfectly normal in families and this would be a big concern to me.

Original poster
Lollypopla · 04/11/2021 13:14

No he doesn’t have friends and he doesn’t like my best friends partner so i go there alone too.
He will speak to my friend if she visits.
He just likes to go out the 2 of us he says.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypopla · 04/11/2021 13:16

It’s embarrassing when my friend and her partner have also suggested going away together with our children but he refuses.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 04/11/2021 13:17

Read the last line that you have written. He is alienating you from people.

Original poster
Lollypopla · 04/11/2021 13:19

@GoodnightGrandma im not sure because he would be happy if I just went without him

OP posts:
ChloeCrocodile · 04/11/2021 13:21

It sounds like he is looking for there to be a rift tbh. If he can take offense at being told your family would like to see more of him then he will take offense at anything. Your mum commenting on his quietness is something I'd ask her not to do if it upsets him, but if they are expected to adapt to his eccentricities then he also needs to adapt a bit to theirs too. Your dad said absolutely nothing wrong.

I'm pretty introverted and find social situations tiring. I completely understand why he would want to avoid them if he can. However, if he wants to do "normal" things like having a partner he will sometimes have to abide by social conventions, even if it is hard.

Hoppinggreen · 04/11/2021 13:26

@Lollypopla

No he doesn’t have friends and he doesn’t like my best friends partner so i go there alone too. He will speak to my friend if she visits. He just likes to go out the 2 of us he says.
I get that not everyone can be a Social butterfly but that fact that he doesn’t seem to like anyone is a bit of a red flag What about his family?
Grida · 04/11/2021 13:27

He sounds socially awkward and doesn’t want to socialise with other people. If you are happy with that, then fine. He should stop putting the blame on other people though.

Dery · 04/11/2021 13:30

"The trouble is he's now looking for offense, even where none exists. And people who are looking will always find it."

This. He does sound rather tricky and touchy. It's one thing to be reserved but he's picking fault with everyone else and trying to make it their fault that he doesn't want to participate but if he dislikes your family and friends and has no friends of his own - that strongly suggests that the problem really lies with him.

He says he wants to go out just the two of you but honestly he doesn't sound much fun.

How are you feeling about the relationship, OP? Is he offering you enough in other ways to make you want to stay? Or do you feel dragged down by him?

Blueskiesoutthere · 04/11/2021 13:31

Sounds like my husband! He would never say he can't stand her, but I know that he can't lol. She loves him because he loves me, but she doesn't 'get' him at all, and she says things to him sometimes to suggest as much. They are VERY different people.

My mum is lovely, but she drives me up the wall. I see her mostly by myself (which I prefer) and drag husband along to any obligatory family things, he is nice and polite when he has to be - it is an absolute ballache tbh but that's just the way it is!

Blueskiesoutthere · 04/11/2021 13:32

@Blueskiesoutthere

Sounds like my husband! He would never say he can't stand her, but I know that he can't lol. She loves him because he loves me, but she doesn't 'get' him at all, and she says things to him sometimes to suggest as much. They are VERY different people.

My mum is lovely, but she drives me up the wall. I see her mostly by myself (which I prefer) and drag husband along to any obligatory family things, he is nice and polite when he has to be - it is an absolute ballache tbh but that's just the way it is!

Well maybe it doesn't sound like him, but I understand your frustration!
knittingaddict · 04/11/2021 13:37

Does he have a problem with women? I only ask because he has a problem with your mum and not your dad.

It became very clear that our ex son in law was a complete misogynist. I caught him giving me a really aggressive look once (apparently he used to roll his eyes when we weren't looking), was vile to our youngest adult daughter one Christmas, had issues at work, but always with women and never men, hated his mother. He was a domestic abuser.

knittingaddict · 04/11/2021 13:39

@GoodnightGrandma

Read the last line that you have written. He is alienating you from people.
I think he is too.
Pinkbonbon · 04/11/2021 13:53

First off, abusers tend to just not want to be around your family so you end up going to things alone. THEN they start to take huffs and seem annoyed when you go to see them. They make you feel like you are choosing your family over them. So you stop seeing your family as much, in order to stop 'setting him off on one if his moods'.

Rarely do they actually SAY 'stop seeing them'. Its more subtle than that.

Zilla1 · 04/11/2021 13:55

I hope he doesn't use such loaded language as 'hello' with you, OP.

Pinkbonbon · 04/11/2021 13:58

Also worth noting that abusers often don't want to meet your friends and family because they fear these people will see through them. And because by not going out with you and being seen with you, it can put a feeling of insecurity in your head. 'Maybe he doesn't like me that much because otherwise why wouldn't he want to be involved in my life plans?' Ect... all part of the abusers plan to make you feel that they might think you are 'not enough'.

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