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Original poster

Marriage going stale - how can we save it?

30 replies

Ladyindahoose · 04/11/2021 09:40

I've been married to DH for over 20 years and our dc are all teens. When dc were younger, I would arrange regular date nights and babysitters and we had a good relationship. However, since the dc turned into teens and are able to look after themselves, it's rare we have a date night. TBH - I have got rather fed up of always organising date nights - but since I have stopped, DH rarely suggests going out together. Whereas I have noticed when it comes to our dc, he will always regularly suggest doing things with them/for them. Naturally being teens they often refuse, preferring to spend time on their own or with their friends. DH then mopes around the house when they reject him - but he still won't go out or do something with me. Our time together usually is watching TV late and invariably he'll fall asleep within 20 mins. . We are both WFH since the pandemic, but during the day we rarely talk to one another.

Not surprisingly it has impacted other areas of our marriage - I am getting more irritated, frustrated, annoyed and disappointed with him. I have talked to him to tell him that we should go out and spend more time together to get a spark back, but nothing has changed

I feel so lonely in this marriage. I don't know how much is down to me (going through menopause), him (he typically avoids anything difficult to deal with) or something else. I don't want to leave him as he is faithful and kind - but I honestly feel like I am drifting away.

Anyone gone through something similar?

OP posts:
Chippymunks · 04/11/2021 10:26

That sounds really tough, have you tried telling him how you feel? Could you suggest taking turns to plan a date night, perhaps once a month?
Is planning a little mini break or a hotel night away an option?
Both WFH is difficult because the evenings and weekends together aren’t as special as they used to be?

Chippymunks · 04/11/2021 10:29

It sounds like he’s finding it hard that your DC are growing up and want to do their own thing. What sort of thing does he ask them to do and is just you and your DH doing it a possibility?

Chippymunks · 04/11/2021 10:35

I’ve been married 25 years and 5 or so years ado went through something similar however my DH was able to talk about things. We worked out we need some shared interests outside of the house now the DC were older. I got into walking with him, it’s more his thing but I made an effort. My DH then started going to the cinema frequently with me as that was my thing. We then both discovered we like spas so go to them sometimes too. We’re still not that good at nights out but have lots of date days. For example a costal walk and a lunch.

Original poster
Ladyindahoose · 04/11/2021 11:12

Thanks Chippymunks. yes I have talked to him about how I feel, but nothing has really changed.

You are right he is finding the dc growing up incredibly hard and it's odd as he is more anxious about leaving them alone in the house than when they were little! unfortunately, a weekend away is out of the question as he won't leave them. Also dc have sport activities at the weekends which he drives them to and he refuses to accept any help from other parents. It's sooo frustrating given the dc ages (17 and 15).

OP posts:
Chippymunks · 04/11/2021 11:14

That sounds incredibly frustrating and a bit odd to get this anxiety now the DC are older.

Original poster
Ladyindahoose · 04/11/2021 11:18

Also - not sure if a weekend away would necessarily help. We did actually go away recently for a friend's wedding. But the whole time was spent with the wedding guests and party and each night he fell asleep within minutes - so no sex either.

I was really looking forward to spending some quality time together and although we chatted on the journey, it was really no different to spending time with a work colleague.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyindahoose · 04/11/2021 11:21

I have also suggested therapy/counselling, but he says he doesn't believe in it.

I had counselling about 4 years ago to work on my confidence and self esteem at work, and found it life changing. Since then, my work has taken off in a big way and I am so much happier and content in all areas of my life - except for my own marriage Sad.

OP posts:
Chippymunks · 04/11/2021 11:23

So when you watch TV together do you have a laugh? Do you share a bottle of wine, put a film on, light some candles or does he just stare at the TV?

Original poster
Ladyindahoose · 04/11/2021 11:29

Activities he suggests with the kids are all things that can also be done with me e.g. watching something together, playing a game, going for a walk etc. If the kids are doing it with him, he is so happy and puts 100% into it, whereas if he does it with just me, he rapidly loses interest and either falls asleep or spends much of the time discussing with me why the kids did not join in.

I think my kids are typical teens so don't think anything is wrong with their behaviour. In fact, when they reject his offer, I feel momentarily elated that I get to spend some quality time with my DH, but then when he realises it is just me and him, I can feel his disappointment. I end up feeling second best. Frustrated too. I have started to even think about leaving him when the youngest goes to Uni as I feel that I am the last resort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyindahoose · 04/11/2021 11:34

I should add too that he does tell me he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me etc etc.

He is a good husband in every way - apart that he gives me hardly any attention. Typically a night will be half an hour chat (invariably about the kids or a household issue), and him falling asleep. Weekends are not much better. We may see mutual friends together which is nice, or I will go and see some of my friends for coffee/dinner. He will often do his own thing around the house during that time.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 04/11/2021 11:48

I think this happens a lot TBH. Maybe he sees himself as "Dad" and is comfortable in that role? Have you run out of things to say to each other do you think. I wonder if you both like dogs,they can be a good place to come together as it were. Do you have friends to see as a foursome .That may help you as you will have grown up things to talk about maybe.

GoodnightGrandma · 04/11/2021 11:51

1.Speak to him and give him the opportunity to change it - you already have.

  1. Ask him to go to marriage counselling.
  2. Get your ducks in a row behind the scenes, speak to a solicitor, then tell him you’re done. Go get the life you want.
From a financial situation, it’s best to go sooner rather than later while the kids are younger.
dottiedodah · 04/11/2021 11:55

When he tells you he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. say to him that you love him too but you want to do more things together . Maybe he feels a little threatened by your new found confidence . Specifically say to him that you would enjoy say Lunch out or a film maybe . A walk by the Coast ,trip to a NT property ,visit to a historical town with coffee shops ,beauty spot .We enjoy these sorts of things .We found a similar thing to you and have come back a bit fresher! !

Aderyn21 · 04/11/2021 12:01

I think you do have to tell him that this is a very serious issue for you. It's ridiculous that he won't leave a 17 and 15 year old for a night away. Are there grandparents or an aunt/uncle nearby who would pop in to keep an eye on them?
I think he's in a rut and isn't realising that if he doesn't pull his finger out, his marriage is in danger. I think parents can slip into the habit of doing everything for their kids when they are little and not noticing that they are now of an age where they don't need you to take them to football every weekend - that it's okay if they go with a friend or they just don't go to an activity occasionally, so mum and dad can do something for themselves.

gannett · 04/11/2021 12:14

What does he actually like doing?

What do you actually like doing?

What are your interests as individuals and do you share them?

People talk a lot about date nights, which are important, but the glue that holds couples together is the day-to-day stuff that you enjoy doing together.

Cooking together. Going to see a film or an art exhibition together, and talking about it. Playing a sport together. Exploring your city or your bit of the countryside together. Talking about politics together. Volunteering or campaigning together.

What are the specifics of the quality time you want to have?

Evesgarden · 04/11/2021 12:23

Hi OP, I think he has disconnected from you. What you need to do is actually talk about how he feels about the relationship. As in does he still love you, is he still sexually attracted to you and does he want to continue to stay with you. Some very tough questions but ones that need to be asked.

Going on date nights and doing activities is just skimming over what is really going on in your relationship. There is a disconnect and you need to find out why. This may have settled in a long time ago and you have not realised. This can happen in a long term relationship, you think you are just bobbing along but they actually checked out a year or even more ago.

A very frank conversation needs to happen

MissyB1 · 04/11/2021 12:44

He’s being lazy in the marriage, he assumes that he doesn’t have to make any effort, because like a comfy pair of old slippers you will always be there. And just like the slippers you don’t require much thought.
He needs a rocket up his arse!! “Doesn’t believe in counselling”?! Hmm yeah well he might need a lot of counselling if he ends up on his own because you got fed up of being invisible!

Sit him down and tell him if he wants to grow old with you he’s going to have to start making a big effort. That means finding activities that you do together and actually connecting with each other during the activity. The kids will leave home soon and your marriage needs to be in much better shape or it won’t survive.

nicecheesegromit · 04/11/2021 13:01

I don't know. I think I have a different opinion. You can't force someone to be something they are not. Half an hour chit chat at the end of the day sounds very normal.

My DH always wants me to go out at weekends and gets quite grumpy if I don't. I do try and make the effort. I think we are your relationship in reverse! I often feel really tired after a weeks work, teens organisation and my hobby. I also hate spa days! I am quite focused on my own interests. I'm probably a bit of a rubbish wife

Pky45 · 04/11/2021 13:06

I’m the same as you, but the male in the relationship, my wife sounds like you’re husband, it’s pretty depressing thinking “is this it from now on “
I’m looking to divorce in the new year

Chippymunks · 04/11/2021 13:07

OP does he compliment you, does he seem to fancy you? Do you compliment him?
I’d try and talk to him and like others have said voice what you are saying on here.

Original poster
Ladyindahoose · 04/11/2021 13:30

There's lots of good advice - thank you!

DH always says we are too busy and he is tired from a long day and that there is always stuff to do in the house. I know there is - but I guess what I want is a time out from all of that drudgery to connect with one another as working and doing household stuff and driving teen dc everywhere are all very separate activities. That is why I thought having a date night would be a good chance to actually get together. Getting together in the house is just not working as he either
a) wants the teen dc to join in or
b) eventually falls asleep or
c) we end up doing our own things (him - catching up on work, politics and sports news; me - catching up with my friends, reading).

Chippymunks - no he never ever compliments me and never has. I don't either. He says that he does not do romantic - apart from saying I love you. I guess he says it but I feel that he does not show it and I want more.

Evesgarden and MissyB1 - I have had a conversation with him to say if things go on as they are I can see us separating after kids are all at Uni. He gets very distraught and upset, and say how he wouldn't hate for that to happen, that he wants us to have a great retirement together, or that this or that event has happened which has taken up more time etc - BUT afterwards, I feel that things slip back within 2 weeks and nothing changes. Also I have a sinking feeling in retirement he will channel his energies into the dc returning home and any potential grandkids.

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 04/11/2021 13:42

Does he want you, or does he want someone to do all that you do ?
Some people are just comfortable and don’t want to upset their life.

GoodnightGrandma · 04/11/2021 13:43

My DH says he loves me and calls me love, but I don’t love him.
I’m just too lazy to split up.

merryhouse · 04/11/2021 13:51

Could you maybe schedule a weekday lunch at the pub? (depending on whether you can flex your time enough to take the afternoon off Grin) We fall into the habit of Doing Things when we're at home together, but when we're sitting in the pub we have to talk. (No playing on phones is a ground rule obviously)

todaysdilemma · 04/11/2021 14:18

Could he be depressed at all? Wfh everyday and children not needing him anymore could have him feeling a bit meh. Could insist on going away for a weekend (not a wedding or with other people), but somewhere different? Maybe a cycle touring holiday or a walking break - something active so the endorphins bond you together, get him out of his funk. Maybe you could take on a new hobby together - do you have similar interests?

My dad got very moody when i got older and more independent, and did the same with my mum because he really liked being a dad, and he was in mourning I guess. But I left home at 18 so he got used to it and he and mum got back to doing things together. Could it just be a similar phase? In which case, just getting him out of the house in new surroundings where he can't mope about the kids may be best.