Marriage going stale - how can we save it?

[Ladyindahoose]

I've been married to DH for over 20 years and our dc are all teens. When dc were younger, I would arrange regular date nights and babysitters and we had a good relationship. However, since the dc turned into teens and are able to look after themselves, it's rare we have a date night. TBH - I have got rather fed up of always organising date nights - but since I have stopped, DH rarely suggests going out together. Whereas I have noticed when it comes to our dc, he will always regularly suggest doing things with them/for them. Naturally being teens they often refuse, preferring to spend time on their own or with their friends. DH then mopes around the house when they reject him - but he still won't go out or do something with me. Our time together usually is watching TV late and invariably he'll fall asleep within 20 mins. . We are both WFH since the pandemic, but during the day we rarely talk to one another.

Not surprisingly it has impacted other areas of our marriage - I am getting more irritated, frustrated, annoyed and disappointed with him. I have talked to him to tell him that we should go out and spend more time together to get a spark back, but nothing has changed

I feel so lonely in this marriage. I don't know how much is down to me (going through menopause), him (he typically avoids anything difficult to deal with) or something else. I don't want to leave him as he is faithful and kind - but I honestly feel like I am drifting away.

Anyone gone through something similar?

To be honest I would insist on counselling (whether he believes in it or not!) if he’s that committed to growing old with you he will agree to seeking help.
The counsellor will give you both “homework” which will help him to understand what the marriage requires.

He sounds like one of those parents where his life centers around the DC and he gets his sole joy from them. I dated someone like this. If his DC couldn't participate in any activity with us he would be broody and sulk the entire time. He only wanted to things together if they were able to as well. It made for a lonely and boring relationship as I preferred to do some things without the DC.

Like others have said you two probably need counseling to work thru this.

he wants us to have a great retirement together

Tell him you're not willing to put up with a crap/non-existent relationship for the next however many years/decades for a chance at this mythical "great retirement" (and tell him your suspicions about what it will really be like!).

Presumably he promised to love and to cherish you? He can say "I love you" all he wants but ask him how he's cherishing you.

Like others I wonder whether his belief in working on a marriage is stronger than his lack of belief in counselling

We're still in the hard yards of bringing up very young children but we manage to do fun stuff together, a lot of it is very low key like watching a TV series together but we make an effort to choose something specific, we occasionally cook a much nicer dinner together over a glass of wine with some music on, we go out for lunch dates when pandemic/childcare allows.

When the children were little was the relationship like it is now, and did he promise you then that things would be better "when the children are a bit older and more independent"?

Your DC are well old enough to be left for a night and you should encourage them to take responsibility and show your trust by doing this. We had to leave ours for several days when they were 16 and 14 because my MIL died in another country. That won't solve your marriage problems but your DH is not acting in the best interests of the DC by his over-protective attitude.

If you do separate you can take comfort in that it sounds like he will still be a good dad at least.