'I don't know if I want more children.'

[lostsea]

I have already posted this on AIBU, I'll request that post be deleted. It's more suited to relationships and I've had some excellent advice from posters on here in the past.

I started dating my current BF at the beginning of the year. He is a wonderful man and this is by far the best relationship I have ever had. He is kind, considerate, generous, all of the traits I've been looking for. We have not argued at all and are able to solve issues between us like partners - something I haven't experienced before. We both have DC from previous relationships, and there is a sizeable 14 year age gap.

He has mentioned introducing our DC on numerous occasions, but I have always declined. Both of our DC's have met previous partners and I want to be sure that the next relationship I introduce my DC to is the one that will last the test of time. A couple of nights ago, he again suggested introducing our DC. I decided that we should have a serious chat about where we both see the relationship going, we've had offhand chats before but nothing serious. We agree on living together, marriage, finances, parenting... the only thing we disagree on is having more DC - he says he 'doesn't know' and 'isn't sure' if he wants more. He has 2, and I only have 1. I have always longed for another child and I want to give my DC a sibling. I have everything else in life sorted out (career, house, money) but I long to have a family, a child with the man I love and raise them together. He has had the sibling experience with his 2, but I haven't. I know I won't be fulfilled without having another DC and I am only 27, I don't feel ready to accept 'I don't know' and potentially give up my chance of being a mum again. Whenever family members and friends announce pregnancies or I meet their newborns, I feel a pang of sadness and jealousy, so I am definitely sure I want more.

I didn't really speak my mind and say my opinion during the conversation, as other things got brought up that derailed it slightly. I really don't want to introduce my DC into a relationship when we haven't even got the fundamentals agreed on. I am not expecting him to agree to having a baby with me, we've only been together 8 months, but I'd need something more concrete, even a 'if everything goes well then yes.' I just feel uncomfortable with the relationship now, and feel like it's inevitable we will break up and perhaps I should just end things which I really don't want to do.

I would love some advice from ladies who have been through similar, and how to broach this conversation with him and explain my feelings.

Anybody been through similar?

You’re still very young, I would find somebody that wants the same things as you. He doesn’t want any more children and that’s fine, but it’s a deal breaker for you.

I know this won’t be what you want to hear but I think it would be very wrong of you to try and persuade this man into having another child when he’s expressly said he doesn’t know if he wants to.

I think unfortunately the only solution here is to break up if you are adamant you are not done having children.

This jumped out at me I long to have a family, a child with the man I love and raise them together - what about your existing child and the impact it might have on them? Even if you had a child there’s no guarantee you’d stay together and get to raise them together. I think you need to consider whether this is more about your desire to have another child or create the “perfect” family and share something with your partner.

How old is your child and how old are his? A 14 year age gap - between you and him? So that would make him already in his 40s?

I dont think this sounds like a long term relationship from the information you've given.

He sounds a bit too old for you, OP, if I’m honest. 27 is still so young - 27 and 41 are very different in terms of life stages. What about when he retires and you’re having to work for another 14 years? You have plenty of time to find someone equally nice, possibly who doesn’t have kids already. You’re young enough not to need to compromise on what you want and I think you’ll end up resenting him if you stay with him and he refuses to have any more kids.

I am not expecting him to agree to having a baby with me, we've only been together 8 months, but I'd need something more concrete, even a 'if everything goes well then yes.‘

This is not at all unreasonable of you. 8 months is early to say you want kids together, but it’s not early to find out whether they want kids at all. If either DH or I hadn’t wanted kids, we’d have ended the relationship, because for us it was a deal breaker and was discussed sooner than 8 months.
If having another child is important to you, then I wouldn’t recommend waiting and hoping he changes his mind. Especially given the age gap, if he’s 41, with 2 kids and saying he’s unsure if he wants more, I’d bet he does not want more.

@Salayes

His DC are both secondary school age, mine is early years primary. He is in his 40s.

I have had the opportunity in the past to have another DC with previous partners and I haven't because of the impact it might have on my existing child and also the relationships weren't quite right. It's about my desire to meet 'the one', complete my family, I'd love to give DC a sibling and I feel a strong maternal drive, get married, raise a child together.

I would never try to persuade someone as that would cause resentment on their part. Ultimately, I do think I need to split up with him. It's just difficult when you love someone and this has genuinely been my best relationship, I am worried I won't meet someone and have the same connection. But you can't compromise on having a child.

At the risk of losing you he could say. "Maybe one day."

He could string you along making you believe he may change his mind. If you were to become pregnant and he wasn't 100% you could end up in the same situation but with two children.

It's a difficult one.

Knock this one on the head.

No way will he want more at 41, with his family finished. He won't. He's saying it now and it's true.

Do not fall into the trap of being strung along as that is exactly what will happen, and not really (necessarily) at any fault of his, either. If you make the mistake of not taking this at face value, and start investing time thinking 'ah well he may change his mind, it's too early to talk kids really anyway'... before you know it, you'll be 33, he'll be late forties and he will still not want any more kids. And you will regret it massively.

My honest advice if you want a sibling for your child would be to think about sperm donation. Think about it - even if you split with this guy now and met someone else who wanted kids next week, you'd still (if you have your head screwed on) be waiting at least 18months - 2 years before trying for a baby, because any sooner and quite frankly you wouldn't really know the person you were going into parenting with. In fact, even 2 years is pushing it if you really want to be SURE you're not falling into any relationship traps which you're then stuck in as a co-parent.

So depending on how old your DC is now, you're already looking at at least a probable 5 year gap or more?

You're also looking at different fathers - one at home, one not, or if you split, different contact schedules...

It's not simple the other way either BUT - if you want your child to have a sibling, the most secure way to achieve that without potentially fucking up your home life may be to decouple the idea of sibling from relationship. Have the baby, then approach new relationships with your family complete.

It is worth thinking about as someone in this position where however you look at it, your children are going to have different fathers.

Not saying that different fathers is a bad thing by the way. But what it is is a more complicated thing, so seeing as you have the complication there anyway... if you see what I mean.

You are not then watching the clock ticking as you go into a new relationship.

You are not in the very dangerous position of making relationship decisions under the pressure of deperately wanting something to work so that you can have another baby.

You are also completely in control of parenting rights and decisions with your second child which is not only 'safer' for them, but lessens any impact of a new, unrelated adult male on your exisiting child's security and home life.

Cross posts - looks like also you will already have a biggish gap so perhaps even more pertinent.

If he was young and had no children (or maybe one), I'd say "I don't know" should be taken at a face value and see where things go.
With three children between you both "I don't know" is a firm No. Because he does know, and very well at that, what he's talking about.

I have one DS. I'm 35. The older we both get, the more sure I am I don't want to do it all again for anyone.
I have Not Sure-d guys in the early stages of relationships, whilst I work out wtf to do next.

Don't commit to someone who can't say he wants another child with the right person if you're certain you want another child.

OP this was an issue for me after a few months in my relationship, although I don't have any children of my own. My DP said the same as yours, and already had 2 children of his own who I hadn't yet met.

I think it's very difficult to envision the future before you've even met each other's children as neither of you have a realistic picture of what your lives will look like when you are fully combined and spending time all together. You need to meet them to know whether you'd actually want to continue in this relationship, and even more so whether you'd want to bring another child into it.

I think if your DP is truly adamant that he doesn't want any further children then you should tell him that you need to end things as you definitely would like another child.

If he is just unsure and can't envision it currently (which was the case with my DP) then I'd agree with him to revisit in 6 months/a year, but you need to crack on with meeting each other's children in order for it to feel like a more realistic prospect.

We did this and have now been TTC so it did work itself out for us once DP could see how his existing children and I could fit together :)

He's doesn't want any more children. Read the writing on the wall. At his age, I wouldn't either. You have to choose, him, or finding a man who want what you do.

I think in this case he means he doesn't want anymore but doesn't want to say it outright and risk losing you.

If it's something you really want then I would reconsider the relationship. He is quite a bit older than you with children who are more than half reared. I wouldn't want to go back to changing nappies after that length of time.

You're still so young and you've only been with him for 8 months. I'd cut my loses and move on and don't introduce your child to him until this issue has been resolved, especially if it's a deal breaker for you both.

@Skeumorph

Knock this one on the head.

No way will he want more at 41, with his family finished. He won't. He's saying it now and it's true.

Do not fall into the trap of being strung along as that is exactly what will happen, and not really (necessarily) at any fault of his, either. If you make the mistake of not taking this at face value, and start investing time thinking 'ah well he may change his mind, it's too early to talk kids really anyway'... before you know it, you'll be 33, he'll be late forties and he will still not want any more kids. And you will regret it massively.

My honest advice if you want a sibling for your child would be to think about sperm donation. Think about it - even if you split with this guy now and met someone else who wanted kids next week, you'd still (if you have your head screwed on) be waiting at least 18months - 2 years before trying for a baby, because any sooner and quite frankly you wouldn't really know the person you were going into parenting with. In fact, even 2 years is pushing it if you really want to be SURE you're not falling into any relationship traps which you're then stuck in as a co-parent.

So depending on how old your DC is now, you're already looking at at least a probable 5 year gap or more?

You're also looking at different fathers - one at home, one not, or if you split, different contact schedules...

It's not simple the other way either BUT - if you want your child to have a sibling, the most secure way to achieve that without potentially fucking up your home life may be to decouple the idea of sibling from relationship. Have the baby, then approach new relationships with your family complete.

It is worth thinking about as someone in this position where however you look at it, your children are going to have different fathers.

No way will he want more at 41, with his family finished. He won't. He's saying it now and it's true. That's not necessarily true - I'm a similar age and I've got 3 DC and would have more, in the right circumstances. I guess it depends how old his kids are to some extent - the older they are, the less likely he is to want to start over with more.

But yet, I absolutely think what he's saying is that he doesn't want any more, but he's just trying to be polite/skirt around it/delay the issue in the hope that you change your mind, or get too old. You do need to have a straight up conversation with him now, to be sure that's what he's saying. Make it clear that you don't mean right now, but realistically you don't want to be hanging around for more than 5 more years or so. Obviously don't present it to him as though it's an ultimatum "I want more kids, and if you don't we're over".

I'm sorry but he doesn't want any more children. His kids are nearly grown, he's in his 40s.

I think he's been very unfair on you

I would take his hesitancy as a firm "no more kids". Giving him time to consider is only going to run the clock down on your own plans.

So the decision is, him and the family you have now, or leave and potentially find someone equally as nice who does want children.

@LittleMysSister

I understand what you are saying, but I really don't want to introduce my DC into this relationship on an 'I don't know', where the future is so uncertain.

I need to have a frank conversation with him and explain how I feel. What confuses me is he has always been the one to suggest and push things, he wanted me to be involved with his friends and family, he has suggested multiple times about meeting his DC. He says he loves me and that this is the best relationship he has ever had. I have been the one to always be non-plussed and casual, happy to keep things as they are for now. I don't understand why he'd be suggesting and pushing things, when he knows my feelings about having children. He says he wants me to meet his children because he sees me as his longterm partner... but he knows I want more children, and I've made it abundantly clear that I absolutely wouldn't stay with him if that wasn't part of the future. I've said that even in a couple of years, with a house together, our DC introduced, if there was no prospect of a future child I wouldn't stay in the relationship.

It's making me feel insecure and anxious!

Saying "if everything goes well then yes" is the direct opposite of saying "not really sure". Listen to him. If you don't you'll be back on this board further down the line saying he deceived you into thinking he wanted more kids. He patently doesn't.

@whateveritwilltake

Yes I think you are right. I'm planning on talking to him tonight, so I will report back on how things go. I need to find out what 'I don't know', actually means, what his thought process is and whether that has changed at all in the time we've known each other. I've come to the realisation in the past couple of days that, although it will be really difficult, I need to be prepared to end things depending on how this conversation goes.

Honestly from your last post, i’d take it as he is keen to create a blended family with you eventually - of five - you two and the three existing children. He can be keen to commit to that and not an extra child.

@lostsea Yes I completely understand why you'd want to be cautious re him meeting your child.

It's a really tough one tbh, I know that I took a risk in agreeing to revisit the topic down the line with my DP. I was 26 at that time and on balance decided I could afford the extra time before making a final decision if he did remain adamant about not having anymore. But I was very clear from the day of that conversation that it was a genuine dealbreaker for me so he knew how important it was.

I'd definitely have a serious conversation with your DP, because as you say, you can't move your relationship forward in terms of meeting each other's children until you've ironed out how strongly he feels about this.