'I don't know if I want more children.'

[lostsea]

I have already posted this on AIBU, I'll request that post be deleted. It's more suited to relationships and I've had some excellent advice from posters on here in the past.

I started dating my current BF at the beginning of the year. He is a wonderful man and this is by far the best relationship I have ever had. He is kind, considerate, generous, all of the traits I've been looking for. We have not argued at all and are able to solve issues between us like partners - something I haven't experienced before. We both have DC from previous relationships, and there is a sizeable 14 year age gap.

He has mentioned introducing our DC on numerous occasions, but I have always declined. Both of our DC's have met previous partners and I want to be sure that the next relationship I introduce my DC to is the one that will last the test of time. A couple of nights ago, he again suggested introducing our DC. I decided that we should have a serious chat about where we both see the relationship going, we've had offhand chats before but nothing serious. We agree on living together, marriage, finances, parenting... the only thing we disagree on is having more DC - he says he 'doesn't know' and 'isn't sure' if he wants more. He has 2, and I only have 1. I have always longed for another child and I want to give my DC a sibling. I have everything else in life sorted out (career, house, money) but I long to have a family, a child with the man I love and raise them together. He has had the sibling experience with his 2, but I haven't. I know I won't be fulfilled without having another DC and I am only 27, I don't feel ready to accept 'I don't know' and potentially give up my chance of being a mum again. Whenever family members and friends announce pregnancies or I meet their newborns, I feel a pang of sadness and jealousy, so I am definitely sure I want more.

I didn't really speak my mind and say my opinion during the conversation, as other things got brought up that derailed it slightly. I really don't want to introduce my DC into a relationship when we haven't even got the fundamentals agreed on. I am not expecting him to agree to having a baby with me, we've only been together 8 months, but I'd need something more concrete, even a 'if everything goes well then yes.' I just feel uncomfortable with the relationship now, and feel like it's inevitable we will break up and perhaps I should just end things which I really don't want to do.

I would love some advice from ladies who have been through similar, and how to broach this conversation with him and explain my feelings.

@Salayes

Fair enough, but he is foolish as he knows my caveat to all of that is having another DC.

@LittleMysSister

I will do that, thank you for your advice and I am really pleased it has worked out for you. I am definitely not prepared to introduce my DC into this situation as it currently is.

I'm afraid I think he is pushing you to move things along so that you will feel your lives are too far entwined to be able to walk away/your fertile years are over. He wants to be with you but he doesn't want any more children.

He is treating the fact that you desperately do as an inconvenience. I think this is more than unfair actually, it's astonishingly selfish

Easier said than done, but I'd honestly be looking for someone your own age who doesn't have children already! I think blended families where there are already existing children, often go horribly wrong. Because the existing kids don't like each other and the parents both have exes (unless widowed) who they have to deal with day to day as they have dcs together.

Obviously, if he doesn't want kids, you cannot make him.

@Skeumorph

Knock this one on the head.

No way will he want more at 41, with his family finished. He won't. He's saying it now and it's true.

Do not fall into the trap of being strung along as that is exactly what will happen, and not really (necessarily) at any fault of his, either. If you make the mistake of not taking this at face value, and start investing time thinking 'ah well he may change his mind, it's too early to talk kids really anyway'... before you know it, you'll be 33, he'll be late forties and he will still not want any more kids. And you will regret it massively.

My honest advice if you want a sibling for your child would be to think about sperm donation. Think about it - even if you split with this guy now and met someone else who wanted kids next week, you'd still (if you have your head screwed on) be waiting at least 18months - 2 years before trying for a baby, because any sooner and quite frankly you wouldn't really know the person you were going into parenting with. In fact, even 2 years is pushing it if you really want to be SURE you're not falling into any relationship traps which you're then stuck in as a co-parent.

So depending on how old your DC is now, you're already looking at at least a probable 5 year gap or more?

You're also looking at different fathers - one at home, one not, or if you split, different contact schedules...

It's not simple the other way either BUT - if you want your child to have a sibling, the most secure way to achieve that without potentially fucking up your home life may be to decouple the idea of sibling from relationship. Have the baby, then approach new relationships with your family complete.

It is worth thinking about as someone in this position where however you look at it, your children are going to have different fathers.

I really agree with this OP, it's very sensible advice. I know you're looking for the "family experience" but this is a much better idea from the POV of maximum security and stability for your children, maximum control for you, minimum disruption and future complications etc. I say this without any judgement but I have a friend who has 3 children with 3 different men, her life is unbelievably complicated and her children's lives have been been through several major disruptions. She always says she wishes she'd just used a donor for the second 2 and avoided all the extra useless men and their drama.

I don't understand why he'd be suggesting and pushing things, when he knows my feelings about having children.

Because many women waste their childbearing years on men who sucked them in with a maybe and entangled their lives so the women didn't leave. Not always deliberately.

I think its probably harder to decide when he hasn't met your children and you his? You can't see how you work as a family unit. Surely that would play a big part in deciding if you want a child together?

@RosieLemonadeAndSugar

Yes, I agree, we might meet each others children and it doesn't feel right, the blended family might not work. However, I feel we have spent enough time together and know the strength of our own relationship to be able to say, 'in an ideal world if everything went smoothly and our blended family worked, I would say yes or definitely consider it.' At the moment it's just, 'I don't know' with no real explanation or further discussion.

Seems like a bugger of a Catch 22 situation.

You don't want to introduce your kids until you have a definite answer re: more kids - which is sensible and reasonable.

He can't give you a definite answer re: more kids until he's seen how your current kids blend as a family (and until you get more than 8 months down the line) - which is sensible and reasonable.

I do agree with most PP that while he might be being honest about not knowing now, this is more likely to turn into a no than a yes.

I can't untie the knot for you but some things you can think about are:

• You're still pretty young. Your fertility window has a long way to go yet. You're right to be thinking ahead but you do have the luxury of time.

• What is your ideal timeframe for another child? Before you're 30? In the next 5 years? Happy to wait til you're mid-30s? All of those options will look very different vis-a-vis your current kids, and also whatever career/home ambitions you both have. If you present him with a definite timeline, it might focus his mind into giving you a definite answer.

• What if you don't have another child? There are lots of reasons you might not, even if you leave him, even if you find someone else. Could you be at peace with that? I'm not saying you should give up your dreams of being a mother again, but it might be worth sitting with that thought, seeing how it feels, thinking about how you'd find fulfilment (in your current family and also outside the family) if you never had another child, for whatever reason.

I don't understand why he'd be suggesting and pushing things, when he knows my feelings about having children.

Well at least partly because he's clearly not that bothered - or not nearly as bothered as you - about the potential effect on the children of blending then having it all go wrong. Possibly because his are older, but almost certainly at least partly because he's instinctively putting himself first, not them. Worth thinking about - and probably does tell you something about where he is, mentally. He's not thinking like a father (potential father again?) of young children. He certainly is thinking like a free agent male. He's got what he wants, it's perfect. Younger stepmum lined up, lovely happy relationship. That there's this slight element of disrespect not only for your feelings and wishes but the potential wellbeing of your children is a red flag, really - can you see that?

he is foolish as he knows my caveat to all of that is having another DC.

Well no. He knows that's what you've said - but this board is chock full of women who felt/feel that way and then just stayed... stayed with men like this who, intentionally or no, took a punt on manipulating/persuading them to stay, stay, stay... until they were too invested/beyond childbearing years. He hears you, but he probably thinks he can win this one... especially given the noises you're making so far - it's all perfect, he's wonderful, best relationship ever... right?

He's in his 40s. His kids are nearly teenagers. No, of course he's not going to say now, 10 months in, that he's done with babies - you'd walk, right? But I would happily bet a grand that he knows for a fact that he does not want to start all over again with kids. He is not going to tell you that straight though. As above - he has what he wants. It does sound as if he's willing to push through a few boundaries and manipulate just a teensy bit to keep it.

You could stay another year or so and still be on track to meet someone else while still in your 20s. Maybe that's the only way to tell, maybe you need to KNOW. But - I have to say - the pushing, when this is about your kids and their wellbeing - that would be enough to tell me that this is a guy who may be very nice indeed but ultimately, he sees what he wants as more important than your boundaries and more important than your children.

oh, and -

At the moment it's just, 'I don't know' with no real explanation or further discussion.

Why are you baffled by this though? The simplest answer here is - he does probably know, but he's not going to come out and say something that might at this stage make you cut your losses!

I think the relationship is worth another conversation to iron things out and make sure I fully understand his reasoning for 'I don't know.' I'm going to his in a little while so I will make sure we discuss it properly tonight, then update the thread.

I've been in enough shit relationships and done enough work on my own self-esteem and self-worth that I won't be sticking around and being led on. I'm prepared to end things with him if there isn't a satisfactory answer, this is an absolute dealbreaker for me, no doubt or questions about it.

@lostsea

I think the relationship is worth another conversation to iron things out and make sure I fully understand his reasoning for 'I don't know.' I'm going to his in a little while so I will make sure we discuss it properly tonight, then update the thread.

I've been in enough shit relationships and done enough work on my own self-esteem and self-worth that I won't be sticking around and being led on. I'm prepared to end things with him if there isn't a satisfactory answer, this is an absolute dealbreaker for me, no doubt or questions about it.

You sound like you have really solid boundaries. Hope the conversation goes well

I thought I'd come back and update the thread as I said I would.

We had a big chat and I told him everything I have written on this thread. He said that he felt sure about everything else, but just didn't know about the more children issue, and he feels its a chicken and egg situation as he doesn't know how he will feel until we've met one another's children and seen how that works... which I can understand, but also don't want to introduce my child into a situation which might not work out... I do think it would be a lot better for me to meet someone younger, perhaps without children, and who definitely wants children. I'm really devastated thinking we will have to split up, but I can't see any resolution to this.

@lostsea
I think its one of those situations where there is no right or wrong answer and neither of you is right or wrong. He sounds really sensible tbh by wanting to wait and see how the 2 families mix before commiting to another child. I mean you dont even live together so have no way of knowing how that will work.
Likewise you are not wrong in wanting to know before mixing your families. Rock and hard place comes to mind.

If you are determined that another child is a non negotiable them i would suggest (as someone else did) sperm donner. Its going to be very difficult to tick the boxes you want ticked without risking waiting many years. At least with a sperm doner and you doing it as a single parent you are not adding anyone else to the mix. What i mean is if you met someone and had another child and you split up you wouldnt be in a situation of 2 kids by 2 dads and single looking for another relationship IFYSWIM.

This is one of the potential problems with age gap relationships which puts you both at different stages in life. He has had his family and doesn't want to go back, what 13+ years to start again. You don't feel your family is complete yet.

I know this is a different situation but my ex husband had an affair with a woman 13 years his junior. I bet he couldn't believe his luck. We had a 10 year old and an 11 year old at the time and he had had the snip as neither of us ever wanted any more than 2 children.

I think he enjoyed the 'freedom' of being with someone child-free for a while - re-living his youth or whatever. Two years down the line though I think he realised that all the things he had done with me (marriage, mortgage, kids), she hadn't done yet and would want to. So they split and he is now with an older woman who has two kids.

I am 43 with a 13 and 15 year old and couldn't even think about going back to having a baby, even if my body were willing. Maybe he feels the same? I think it's better he's honest with you now than keep you hanging on (as we read so often on here) or even agrees to a baby to make you happy but has little interest when it arrives and/or leaves (as we also see a lot).

I think you are right - you need to find someone who wants what you do.

@WB205020

Yes, it is a chicken and egg, rock and hard place. I get his point of view completely and he gets mine. I can't see myself going down the sperm donation route, I don't want to be a single parent again, I want the chance to raise a family with someone I love.

in his 40's with two older children he doesn't want to start again with those sleepless night and nappies. And another 20 years of restrictions because of childcare. This is a common, really common amongst people with teenagers ... - and its very unlikely to change
If this is a deal breaker for you then you should move on

Jesus, OP - "I don't want to be a single parent"... The odds of becoming a single parent are firmly stacked in your favour - just via the fact of being a female!

I didn't want to be a single parent, and yet here I am! Duh....
The only way of avoiding becoming a single mum is not to have kids (that's the route I've chosen to take)

I said very early on to my partner that if she didn't want kids this was pointless. Not forcing her, just not going to waste time.

Be honest, be upfront and find somebody in the same page as you.

I'm single again and will tell a woman I do not want any more kids. She can make a decision from that.