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Original poster

How to support friend whose husband is "in love" with his trainee

27 replies

Frymetothemoon · 03/11/2021 10:23

Came out of the blue this morning.

He is my closest male friend. We have known each other for around 30 years. His wife has been on the scene for 25 and they have been through thick and thin together. Yesterday, he told his wife he is in love with his trainee and has kissed her.

I told her not to let him blame her, that she is strong, that he needs to make his decision and take the consequences.

What else should I say? How else can I support her? He doesn't know that I know, although I suggested to her that she could maybe suggest to him that he contacts me.

Anything else I can do?

OP posts:
BrilloPaddy · 03/11/2021 10:26

I'd be marching her straight to a decent solicitor, and telling her that her only focus now is protecting herself from the fallout.

If he's admitted it, he's in love/lust and has lost his marbles. There's no coming back from that, no matter how long the marriage has been or what they've been through.

Poor woman Sad

stealthninjamum · 03/11/2021 10:26

I wouldn’t interfere. He has (hopefully) been honest so it’s between them.

LouReading · 03/11/2021 10:30

You can support her by being there to lend an ear any time she needs it.

AuntieStella · 03/11/2021 10:34

So the husband is your main friend? No need to conceal your knowledge of this from him (just don't go round telling unconnected people)

If her account is right, I think you need to be reading him the riot act - what the hell has got in to him!

Original poster
Frymetothemoon · 03/11/2021 10:40

Obviously it's between them, but it's classic mid-life crisis stuff (pretty, blonde and young).

If he comes to me I'll point out what he stands to lose. What an idiot!!!

OP posts:
Signalstation · 03/11/2021 10:44

Point out the mid-life crisis as well. He may not have heard of that.

Original poster
Frymetothemoon · 03/11/2021 10:49

@Signalstation

Point out the mid-life crisis as well. He may not have heard of that.
It's just struck me that he's already done the big flashy car thing...
OP posts:
Signalstation · 03/11/2021 10:55

Yeah, flashy car, then interest in younger women .. classic MLC really.

LemonTT · 03/11/2021 10:57

The best support you can advise is marriage counselling. In the meantime you need to quietly with draw from this situation. Listen to what she has to say but don’t act or comment. This is a non winner for you.

If he is basically your closest friend then her decision to confide in you is not without self interest and an element of manipulation. She is potentially using you as her agent to get to him. This is going to destroy your relationship with him. As you are not her closest friend then she will not be bothered about losing you.

My advice is don’t get involved, don’t take sides and don’t make assumptions. You are potentially going to end up on the outs with them as a couple or individuals.

BobLemon · 03/11/2021 10:58

I was going to suggest offering no judgement, but it sounds like it might be too late for that! I’ve had several sets of friends divorce and in one particularly some people took sides. I saw some side-takers do damage by joining in when friends were frankly a bit hysterical. Listening to how sad and hurt she is, supporting with practical stuff to move forward will be helpful. Calling the husband black and blue, less so.

DrMorbius · 03/11/2021 11:13

Shouldn't it be how are you going to support your closest male friend?

DismantledKing · 03/11/2021 11:17

@DrMorbius

Shouldn't it be how are you going to support your closest male friend?
In what way does he need support?
AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2021 11:19

@DrMorbius

Shouldn't it be how are you going to support your closest male friend?
Seems like his wife needs more support......... presumably the OP is friends with her as well considering she told her what has happened
Signalstation · 03/11/2021 11:20

@DrMorbius

Shouldn't it be how are you going to support your closest male friend?
Support him for being an idiot? Yeh right.
Original poster
Frymetothemoon · 03/11/2021 11:27

@LemonTT

The best support you can advise is marriage counselling. In the meantime you need to quietly with draw from this situation. Listen to what she has to say but don’t act or comment. This is a non winner for you.

If he is basically your closest friend then her decision to confide in you is not without self interest and an element of manipulation. She is potentially using you as her agent to get to him. This is going to destroy your relationship with him. As you are not her closest friend then she will not be bothered about losing you.

My advice is don’t get involved, don’t take sides and don’t make assumptions. You are potentially going to end up on the outs with them as a couple or individuals.

Thanks, I have advised marriage counselling. She is already getting support for PTSD and is open to getting help. He has said he will go if she arranges it, so fingers crossed.

I am very close to both of them, but am not going to get pulled into taking sides. She knows me well enough to know this and has not asked me for anything.

I am not going to raise it with him until/unless he raises it with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frymetothemoon · 03/11/2021 11:30

@DrMorbius

Shouldn't it be how are you going to support your closest male friend?
It is perfectly possible to support someone by telling them to tread carefully, to think twice, to make certain they're not making a mistake. That's what I intend to do.

After that, it's his decision to make.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 03/11/2021 11:36

I wouldn't do anything beyond being a listening ear.
They might well decide to work on it and if you have "marched her to a solicitor's office" as advised upthread they might decide that you are not a friend to the marriage if your first action is to facilitate divorce.

Mamamovingnorth · 03/11/2021 11:40

Is he a partner at a law firm by any chance? This happens all the time and it’s really a power play over the trainee paired with a midlife crisis.

I must have seen 15-20 male partners become infatuated with junior females. Never once has it ended well.

YesILikeItToo · 03/11/2021 11:48

In my opinion, what you want to do is (i) listen carefully; (ii) tell her she’s doing great; (iii) manifest support whatever happens by valuing her as an individual.

(ii) is really really important.

No one’s going to solve this by knowing more about the nature of a ‘mid-life crisis’ than the next person. It is what it is, it’s the story of her life now, and you just need to support her.

beautifulview · 03/11/2021 11:55

She’s his trainee. He could be fired for this behaviour. Sexual misconduct. Maybe point that out!!

Original poster
Frymetothemoon · 03/11/2021 12:05

@beautifulview

She’s his trainee. He could be fired for this behaviour. Sexual misconduct. Maybe point that out!!
He's the boss of the (tiny) company. I guess if things turn sour the trainee could turn on him though. Thanks for pointing that out.
OP posts:
Signalstation · 03/11/2021 12:09

What's he training her to do, exactly?!?

Does his wife support him such that he is able to be the boss of the company?

beautifulview · 03/11/2021 12:10

She could report him to the police for harassment. What an idiot. He’s putting his livelihood at risk. Or if one of the other disgruntled employees takes offence at their relationship and her stepping up…

HugeAckmansWife · 03/11/2021 12:19

Yes I agree that marching her to a solicitors office and 'there's no coming back from this' is exactly the sort of hysterical and OTT behaviour that sees perfectly salvageable marriages thrown down the swanny. Encourage the counselling, give her space to talk and reflect.. Do bolster the 'it's not your fault' side. If you are able to support him too...if he approaches you, urge 100% honesty, ideally finding a new place for the trainee and steer him away from any minimising or excuses about the marriage being stale or the girl coming onto him or 'couldn't help myself' etc. But overall, a friend to the marriage will urge professional counselling.

RubyTuesday70 · 04/11/2021 19:35

The marriage may very well be perfectly salvageable.

If she's a complete and utter doormat.