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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It won't get better will it?

46 replies

YayItsWinter · 03/11/2021 10:21

I’m happy in most areas of our relationship however our sex life has always been an area where he lacks interest and effort. A few years ago we hit a bad patch with it and I said I wasn’t prepared for our sex life to affect my confidence anymore. I went away for a few days and to cut a long story short, we decided to work on things (he admitted he has low testosterone but hadn’t been taking anything to sort this out) and it improved massively. I don’t want to drip feed, he did also say he wasn’t sure if he was attracted to me anymore. Now this is circling round and round in my head – I’m now pregnant and I don’t feel as attractive anymore.

We then found out it would be difficult for us to conceive - he has issues on his side and I have PCOS and Endometriosis. We began TTC as we knew it would take a while and here I am 10 weeks pregnant. I guess I genuinely thought it had improved because we were having it regularly.

Since we found out, it’s like he thinks “my job is done here” and we aren’t having sex anymore. I’m beginning to feel so lonely – he’s affectionate in other ways and I’ve tried to bring the subject up but he just keeps saying he’s stressed with the house. We are so, so fortunate – we can stay in our current house whilst our other is being done up. We are financially comfortable, we have no debts other than the mortgage and we have no other children.

Last night, I really made an effort to cook a nice meal, I made an effort in myself and he said we’ll get in bed early and well… nothing. He gave me a cuddle and mentioned that he knows our sex life needs improvement and he will try. He also had a blood test appointment at the GP to get his testosterone levels checked but he ‘forgot’.

I’m so sad. I’m only 27 and I feel so unwanted and unattractive. I’ve been in tears all morning because the dreaded “I don’t know if I’m attracted to you” line just goes round and round my head. I can't even be bothered to address it with him again. I'll just be told everything's fine and he loves me etc etc.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2021 10:28

He seems happy as he is and he did not "forget" that appointment. For whatever reasons (and these are absolutely NO reflection whatsoever on you) he does not want to address the problems pertaining to his sex life and intimacy. He is not being at all honest with you here.

You need to decide what you want to do going forward because he is not going to change. You do not want to be in this same position in say a year's time. Any change that has come from him has also been short lived, its something he cannot even hope to at all maintain.

ErickBroch · 03/11/2021 10:45

27! I was shocked at the end. It won't get 'better' but I just think you're incompatible. He doesn't have the sex drive that you need/want, he also doesn't NEED to have that. It's just not the right combination for the two of you, forcing him to go to the doctors etc. isn't going to help and if it was the other way around there would be outrage.

I do find it sad you've chosen to have a child in this situation, but splitting doesn't mean they will be unhappy. Splitting is the only option I can see and focus on being great co-parents instead.

Original poster

YayItsWinter · 03/11/2021 10:55

I haven't forced him to go to the doctors. He was struggling with tiredness quite badly a few months ago - I said it could be due to his low testosterone and to try get it tested again. Not for our sex life because at this point, we were TTC and it was ok. He forgot one appointment, then one got cancelled due to a shortage of blood bottles he said and then it was rescheduled to yesterday. I didn't even ask him, I knew it was yesterday but I said this morning "oh when is your blood test?" and he said he forgot yesterday. I already knew he hadn't gone.

OP posts:

Original poster

YayItsWinter · 03/11/2021 10:56

I feel so sad even entertaining the idea of splitting before our baby is even here.

OP posts:

IknowwhatIneed · 03/11/2021 11:07

You’ll feel sadder 5 years into a sexless relationship - that absolutely eats away at your soul.

pompomsgalore · 03/11/2021 11:13

I think lay your cards out on the table and ask directly if he wants to sort this issue or not so you know for sure.

Direct question and then action on his part.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/11/2021 11:16

I would terminate and break up. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness OR a shorter period of unhappiness and a break up which with a child involved will be much harder.

MrsTumbletap · 03/11/2021 11:22

It's hard to make this decision. But know it absolutely will not get better. Men don't get a testosterone surge in their 30s and 40s it will get lower and lower. Until you are not having sex.

In 5 years you will have a 4 year old, probably stretch marks, probably a bit of a mum tum (I still do!) and probably won't have had sex in a year. How does that make you feel? If you can live with it, carry on.

If not, you need to do something about it now. You can't go back when you have a one year old. You have options at this point.

pompomsgalore · 03/11/2021 11:24

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

I would terminate and break up. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness OR a shorter period of unhappiness and a break up which with a child involved will be much harder.

That's a terrible comment when OP is happily pregnant and had a hard health journey to get there.

JudgementalCactus · 03/11/2021 11:25

Well you're kinda stuck. He is comfortable with how things are and is no interested in fixing it. You could threaten to leave him, but given that you're pregnant and there's suddenly a lot more at stake than before, I think he'd call your bluff.

What are we talking though when you say he's never interested? Once a week? Once a month? Never ever initiates?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/11/2021 11:26

I'm sorry you think it is a terrible comment but it is my honest opinion. This man is making her unhappy and will continue to do so. Bring a child into the mix is only going to make everything harder and more difficult.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/11/2021 11:29

And she is NOT happily pregnant ..she is sad, lonely and feels unwanted and unattractive...in her own words. Do you think this is going to get better with a baby involved?

JudgementalCactus · 03/11/2021 11:30

@Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow

But she knew that before she got pregnant. So I assume she weighed her options and the option of baby + disappointing sex life came up on top over the alternative of starting over.

If this is what she chose, I don't see how she would be capable to change her mind now and terminate. And she would be a little selfish to leave the relationship over an issue that was acceptable to her before and which was obviously not going to just go away, quite the opposite. Babies don't tend to do wonders for a couple's sex life.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/11/2021 11:33

I'm giving advice. Up to the op what she does with it.

Fijiwater · 03/11/2021 11:36

I'm so sorry to hear it's difficult for you :( are you happy receiving intimacy and connection in other ways from him? My ex partner unfortunately wasn't able to provide either sex or emotional connection in any way and it ultimately pushed us apart. I'm a similar age and it's very difficult.

Notashandyta · 03/11/2021 11:43

Almost always porn.

No way were there this many men not interested in sex with their partner 30 or 40 years ago.

JudgementalCactus · 03/11/2021 11:47

@Notashandyta

Almost always porn.

No way were there this many men not interested in sex with their partner 30 or 40 years ago.

Or maybe he's asexual or naturally low libido.

Maybe gay.

Maybe not attracted to her.

We donno

lostsea · 03/11/2021 11:52

I was in a sexless relationship when pregnant with my DC. It doesn't get better. We lasted another 2 years (which included me coaxing him to do relationship counselling), but ultimately split up. Your DP sounds like mine, unwilling to face the problem head on, he won't even admit there is anything wrong. You cannot make him get help and he is very selfish and mean to witness the impact this is having on you, yet doing nothing about it. 'Forgot appointments' is absolute rubbish - if he cared loved you and about your feelings, he wouldn't 'forget appointments' and you'd be his top priority. Sorry to be so blunt OP, I've been there, living in a sexless relationship wreaks havoc on your self esteem. And yes, my ex-DP had a terrible porn addiction.

Please leave, it doesn't get better.

Original poster

YayItsWinter · 03/11/2021 11:55

Gosh, I am not unhappily pregnant - I am so happy and thankful to be pregnant. It wouldn't and hasn't crossed my mind. I am upset with our sex life - literally nothing else. He is kind, caring, generous and pulls his weight. It's one area of our relationship that isn't great.

We've been TTC for 2 years so it was a couple of times a week and more during my fertile window.

I'd be happy with once a week. At the moment it's probably once a month and I have had to initiate/ask for that.

If it was a case of we are so busy with family life, hectic work schedules, hobbies etc then I would be fine with that - we both have jobs which pay well and have a good work/life balance, no children, money worries etc. We should be making the most of what is it come...

OP posts:

lostsea · 03/11/2021 12:03

I would recommend you check internet history - tablets, phones, computer. If he clears his history, that is a massive red flag. Mine ex-DP did, but thankfully he didn't know that Gmail also records all of your google searches. I would be very surprised if porn wasn't involved here.

As for saying he 'doesn't know if he's attracted to you' (after I presume numerous years together), what a prize arsehole. You should have left him there and then. My ex-DP also said horrendous things to me, all were a cover up for his porn addiction and an attempt to blame me for our sexless relationship.

lostsea · 03/11/2021 12:06

That would also link with the tiredness he's been having, porn addicts often stay up into the wee hours to watch porn, it's all done very sneakily whilst the partner is asleep / out / away.

fuckoffImcounting · 03/11/2021 12:08

It won't get better. This is who he is.

Amdone123 · 03/11/2021 12:28

I'd do what pps have said. A direct, simple question delivered in a calm manner. If he's willing to sort it , great. If not, you'll have to split up. It is sad but it happens. It doesn't mean you can't raise a beautiful child together. It just means you're incompatible.
My dh and I both have low sex drives. We're compatible so it works.

seventyminutes · 03/11/2021 15:30

Low sex drive in men does not automatically equal porn addiction.

152820p · 03/11/2021 15:32

Oh my gosh I could have wrote this. Also your age when I was pregnant with my first. I got pregnant again even though it was few and far between when we had sex

It never got better. Only worse

I've left now but my self esteem took an enormous battering

I'd say leave now while you've still got some left. It's hard to rebuild surprisingly

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