It won't get better will it?

[YayItsWinter]

I’m happy in most areas of our relationship however our sex life has always been an area where he lacks interest and effort. A few years ago we hit a bad patch with it and I said I wasn’t prepared for our sex life to affect my confidence anymore. I went away for a few days and to cut a long story short, we decided to work on things (he admitted he has low testosterone but hadn’t been taking anything to sort this out) and it improved massively. I don’t want to drip feed, he did also say he wasn’t sure if he was attracted to me anymore. Now this is circling round and round in my head – I’m now pregnant and I don’t feel as attractive anymore.

We then found out it would be difficult for us to conceive - he has issues on his side and I have PCOS and Endometriosis. We began TTC as we knew it would take a while and here I am 10 weeks pregnant. I guess I genuinely thought it had improved because we were having it regularly.

Since we found out, it’s like he thinks “my job is done here” and we aren’t having sex anymore. I’m beginning to feel so lonely – he’s affectionate in other ways and I’ve tried to bring the subject up but he just keeps saying he’s stressed with the house. We are so, so fortunate – we can stay in our current house whilst our other is being done up. We are financially comfortable, we have no debts other than the mortgage and we have no other children.

Last night, I really made an effort to cook a nice meal, I made an effort in myself and he said we’ll get in bed early and well… nothing. He gave me a cuddle and mentioned that he knows our sex life needs improvement and he will try. He also had a blood test appointment at the GP to get his testosterone levels checked but he ‘forgot’.

I’m so sad. I’m only 27 and I feel so unwanted and unattractive. I’ve been in tears all morning because the dreaded “I don’t know if I’m attracted to you” line just goes round and round my head. I can't even be bothered to address it with him again. I'll just be told everything's fine and he loves me etc etc.

I think I'd be more concerned about the fact you have told him how much it affects you and he still isn't doing anything about it. Intimacy is massive in a relationship Op, and it can lead to all sorts of problems. To make something work you have to meet on the middle. It sounds like you are wanting 100% from him and he is giving you 0%, rather than it being 50/50.

On the flip side you cannot force someone to have more sex of they don't want to.

I think either you have to live with this and maybe see if you can make compromises with it in one way or another, or think about breaking off the relationship. No one is worth being this unhappy for, this is your life.

@152820p

Oh my gosh I could have wrote this. Also your age when I was pregnant with my first. I got pregnant again even though it was few and far between when we had sex

It never got better. Only worse

I've left now but my self esteem took an enormous battering

I'd say leave now while you've still got some left. It's hard to rebuild surprisingly

Did you ever find out what the reason for the lack of his sex drive was in your experience?

@seventyminutes

I'm not saying it definitely is porn addiction, but it has all the hallmarks of it. Assuming the partner is around OPs age, 20s - 30s, his sex drive should be raging. The fact he's claims to have 'low testosterone', but then does nothing about it, despite knowing how it is impacting OP, suggests he is selfish at best. Not a good trait for a partner.

I'm the same age as OP, and in my personal experience, (as well as countless friends and family members), a low sex drive is almost always explained by porn / another woman. I've actually yet to hear of a young man having a genuine medical condition that effects his sex drive this drastically. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, I'm sure there are a small percentage of men who do have a low drive / medical issues in this age group, but I think its far more likely that there is more to this than OPs partner is letting on.

I’m so sad. I’m only 27 and I feel so unwanted and unattractive. I’ve been in tears all morning because the dreaded “I don’t know if I’m attracted to you” line just goes round and round my head. I can't even be bothered to address it with him again. I'll just be told everything's fine and he loves me etc etc.

This will be your life if you stay. I know it seems terrible to pull the plug now, while you are pregnant and 'everything else' seems fine. But if you don't his cruel words and the lack of desire will eat away at you, and your self-esteem will eventually hit rock bottom.

You are so, so lucky. You are young, financially solvent, AND you've got 2 houses. Don't wait till you have 2 or 3 children, perhaps stopped working, the financial cushion may have eroded, and you are ground down by years of being made to feel unattractive.

OP you are so very young. Something isn’t right about your partner. He doesn’t find you attractive. You might just be incompatible now. We can only guess at he is into porn/asexual/gay. At the end of the day you will be raising a child in a sexless relationship at such a young age. Maybe one day he will find someone else that he is attracted to and act in it as might you. Being so young I can’t envisage either of you going through the next 50 or 60 years in this set up. You need to lay your cards on the table and find a solution pretty quickly OP x

These days in modern life how I see it in cases like these it's important to have a weekly/monthly intimate life plan/schedule.

There is a good chance it can help to improve things.

I understand most couples have it spontaneously and not planned but I am for planning it if it doesn't happen regularly spontaneously.

Say, you agree on a compromise how often it suits both of you and he promises not to ignore you say at least once a week or twice or once a month if his sex drive is naturally very low so you can reconnect as a couple regularly.

The rule of an intimate night:

1. early bed

2. no TV, phone, games, laptop distractions

3. even if sex doesn't happen, he cuddles & massages your body for minimum 10-15-20 minutes

4. Play a game 'No sex allowed'. Only intense kisses & cuddles. Anything forbidden can increase the desire. Play a game you are his lover, not his wife. You meet in a cafe as strangers and have a passionate one-night stand.

5. show him how to satisfy you in other ways sexually without sex act. It can also be a fun game that can wake up his intimate senses.

Try this and don't take it too seriously. Look at it as a fun game. It might help.

As an option could he be a hidden gay?

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with it.

Do NOT take personally what he said he might be not attracted to you.

He is if he says he loves you the next day.

It's definitely not a porn addiction. I can see his search history on our iPad - it links to his phone somehow. There's a lot of random searches but no porn and he actually chooses to come to bed with me every night. We are usually ready for bed at a similar time but even if I say I'm going to bed early because I'm shattered, hell still join me and chill. I know I sound naive but it's genuinely not porn. He doesn't have the sex drive for it.

For those who have been in my situation, it scares me that it only ended one way. I feel selfish almost for even thinking of ending a relationship. I know I won't leave before my baby is born, It's more of a priority that my baby has both parents for even a little while. (Please don't pile on me for saying that)

Ugh what a shit situation.

Work on increasing your self-esteem.

www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+increase+your+confidence+and+high+self+esteem

I don't think he's gay, no. He is really affectionate otherwise - lots of cuddles, back rubs and he will always ask if I need a drink or something to eat and will always ask how my day is. It's literally just sex that's completely stopped.

@YayItsWinter

Are you absolutely certain? Have you checked history on all devices - including laptop? Paid for TV channels is another potential to explore. I would've sworn up and down that there was no way my ex-DP had a porn addiction as he had zero sex drive, until I found the evidence that he did. He did have a sex drive after all - for wanking and porn. Porn addicts are notoriously sneaky, like any addict, they will go to great lengths to disguise it.

Also, my ex-DP watched porn exclusively on his PC. His phone / iPad he would use to stalk photos of women on Instagram and facebook, which obviously wouldn't show up in search history.

He hasn't got a PC, he uses my MacBook if he really needs to search something?

How do I look at paid TV channels? Although it's constantly Xbox and gaming on! He doesn't have social media (even when we met he never had any!)

I would ask to watch this video and discuss it together.

• I would ask him

Silly question, but why do think he has low T levels, just because he doesn’t want to have sex ?

It may be that is sex drive is just naturally lower than yours and that is just normal for him.

In some men the T level will naturally drop when their partners are pregnant, in some men it will rise, all men are different

www.fatherly.com/love-money/men-not-sexually-attracted-pregnant-wife/

If you were have been having a lot of sex while TTC, that may have been an ‘artificiality’ high level for him, and what you are seeing now maybe his natural sex drive.
All this is just ifs, buts and maybes, also cooking nice meals and going to bed early won’t make him want to have more sex with you, male desire doesn’t work that way.
Subtle comments won’t work either, if you want more sex, you will to be blunt about it and say it, but again this won’t increase his desire to have sex with you,
Unfortunately his sex drive may just be lower than you want, that’s not really his fault, it’s how he is, and again unfortunately both of you might be better off with different people.

Im in a sexless marriage and I’m putting up with it, as I can’t bear to break up my child’s stability.

It’s a rather bleak way to live but I’m not courageous enough to leave. I hope you are.

I try and fill my life - I play sports, hang out with friends, have a dog and work full time. It gives me a purpose but there is a big part that is missing and at times I feel very low.

I fantasise a lot and if someone offered me sex who I was attracted to, I’d honestly jump at the chance!

That’s no way to live though. I think one day I will leave but sadly I currently don’t have the confidence to.

So please before child arrives find a solution, and don’t be as weak as me.

I’m 36 and have sex maybe three / four times a year. Been this way since I was your age!

Trying to conceive can also lead to sexless relationships. If you have been scheduling sex to conceive, then could it be this have affected him psychologically? I’m not saying this IS the issue, but it’s not uncommon when ttc. Sex becomes a necessity, it’s timed and scheduled and sadly, can become a bit of a chore.

@Lifeisaminestrone

Im in a sexless marriage and I’m putting up with it, as I can’t bear to break up my child’s stability.

It’s a rather bleak way to live but I’m not courageous enough to leave. I hope you are.

I try and fill my life - I play sports, hang out with friends, have a dog and work full time. It gives me a purpose but there is a big part that is missing and at times I feel very low.

I fantasise a lot and if someone offered me sex who I was attracted to, I’d honestly jump at the chance!

That’s no way to live though. I think one day I will leave but sadly I currently don’t have the confidence to.

So please before child arrives find a solution, and don’t be as weak as me.

Did you discuss this with your DH?

Does he hug & kiss you with no sex?