Husband was having an affair

[joeyhope2]

Long time lurker here..
Hoping for advice..
Just found out my husband of 5 years, and father of 3 children under 4 is/was having an affair. Without going into too much detail I worked it out and confronted him and at first he denied everything but then confessed to a few meet ups, and only just kissing was involved.
Without his knowledge I was able to contact the girl. She was completely shocked & extremely upset, he told her he was single, childless and a web of lies that is is incomprehensible. She told me it was a full on relationship for 5 months and that he pursued her relentlessly. They had dates, hotel stays, bought presents for each other etc etc..
He didn't tell me any of this.
I haven't confronted him yet. I just dont know what to do, its like im stuck in some dark hole and i cant find a way out or even a way to deal with it all. To make it worse this isn't the first time hes done it.
My poor little children will be the ones to suffer now, and this is breaking me.

Don't want to read and run. Wiser women will be along shortly. In the meantime, you deserve far more than this. He could t even have the dignity to be honest with you when confronted. Awful behaviour.

I'm so sorry OP. Of course you're in shock. Take it easy. Do not make any rash decisions. If you can, tell someone supportive in real life. Look after yourself.

Not the first time?!

Then you tell him to GO, find some courage & strength & tell him to go!

He's not going to change & you deserve so much more than a lifetime of this!!

Your kids do deserve better, but staying with him isn't going to achieve that.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation x

Sorry to read that OP!

Sadly as you've found out, if he's done it once he'll do it again.

Do you want out of the relationship?

Your children won't suffer from having separate but happy parents, but could potentially suffer in the future if you stay and they see this happening again. It's a very tricky one! Absolutely not your fault, try to take some headspace if you can to figure out your plans.

So sorry OP, he has no respect for you, it’s time to make plans to split.

As for your children, your still their mother, he’s still their father- don’t take any guilt about what he’s done and your children I’m sure will be fine.

So sorry for you. He has to leave.

In some respects you've been handed a gift in that you've got the facts from the OW. You have a heads up and can spend a few days planning and letting it all settle in.

I would tell someone in rl. Get some support.

Honestly, you and your kids deserve better.
You know he's done it before, if he stays he'll probably do it again. He clearly isn't going to be honest so why waste your time?

Get your paperwork together, maybe seek legal advice and then tell him to leave.

OP I've been where you are and I recall how crushing it was.Cheaters hardly ever tell the truth when they are caught.dont believe him when he says they never had sex.Cheaters minimise so they may get a chance at coming back in the future.

Tell him to leave that you need time to think.take it day by day. You have had a shock, focus on getting you and the children through the day and ask a family member if needs be to come and stay with you. don't let him rush you.Cheaters follow a script. Take at look at the chumplady website. For now if you have a joint account, either remove half of the balance or freeze it in case he withdraws all the funds. Move your important documents to a safe place.

He's done this before- he will NEVER change! Make a solicitors appointment and get some legal advice on your entitlements. If you can find a wage slip of his then photocopy it and anything else relevant to his earnings for future use until you decide what to do.

This is terrible, Joey. Your H is an unremorseful serial cheat and liar who feels entitled to use women for his own ego and sexual gratification. Are you in a position to tell him to leave? It is untenable to stay in this marriage with such a man.

Can you reach out to trusted family/friends for support?

You can do this. Your kids are young. You have the chance to get out of this lie of a life and rebuild. Don’t let him waste your life. This can be the making of you. You want better than this

A lot will depend on if you have the courage to tell him to go. A lot of women put up and shut up, I threw my exh out as soon as he told me about his affair. Life is much better with a lying scumbag in my life.

I'm sorry, op. You've got to grab a shovel, dig yourself out of that black hole, and kick this fucking bastard out. You've been here before. For the sake of your children, don't be a doormat again.

He is absolute scum. I'm so sorry

They never change. Kick him out.

You don't know what to do?

How about pack his bags and tell him to fuck off?

…at first he denied everything but then confessed to a few meet ups, and only just kissing was involved.

He had the chance to come clean but chose to lie and minimize, thereby making a fool of you.

He felt entitled to lead a double life, trick the other woman, put your health at risk, and cause you to need an STD test.

I assume that after his previous infidelity, you set a boundary of consequences if he ever cheated again. He has, so you need to follow through. I am very sorry.

God almighty. When you read what some men get up to and think it is disgusting and then something comes along to top the lot - is this.

Your children will be better off without him. I know this. I have been here where you are. Three children like you close in age and he was shagging all the time while I was pregnant and oblivious to it for too long.
I waited too long to get rid of my husband, because i did not have the courage to do anything, and my children suffered as result of it.
The day he left was a good day and we moved on.

Yes, he took money and left us in a mess, but our lives were better, and I slept better in that bed the day he left than I ever did with him in it.

Leave and don't look back. He's not worth it.

Tell him to pack his stuff and leave. I wouldn't even waste time going backwards and forwards with him on this. He lied, you've found out the truth, and it's not the first time. Fuck him off.

Do what you can now for yourself and the children, make plans to be able to financially move on.

This man is not your friend and he is an appalling father, you will get nothing by remaining with him, emotionally and supportively.

Draw a line with him, he will do nothing but hurt you so you really need to start looking after number 1 and your babies.

I'm very sorry, he really is a complete shit and you deserve much better than this excuse of a husband.

I am not a believer that once a cheater always a cheater, I know of people who cheated once and never again BUT this man is not a safe partner for you.

From what you’ve said he’s a serial cheat and the level of selfishness and entitlement is so large that he’d even lie horrifically to another woman to get his way. He probably sensed that she would say no if she knew about you and the children.

A serial cheat is a nasty creature. They already know the damage they do to their betrayed, but choose to do it again because of their need for ego kibbles and the highs affairs give them.

Firstly, self care first, eat, hydrate, exercise. You’ll need STD testing, sorry but it’s true. Then you’ll need legal advice when you’re ready. I really recommend ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ as it’ll really put into perspective what your husband has done and who he is and prevent you from attacking yourself or your marriage as you try to find answers.

I can’t tell you what to do; I am reconciled after my husbands affair but I would not stay under these circumstances. But if you choose to stay there is no shame attached, but I’d caution that he’d need to work hard to become a safe partner.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you. I well remember those first days of utter shock and feeling totally traumatised. I made pacts with the universe that I would change everything about myself if only things would be okay. I was terrified of being on my own.

Two years on, I’m thriving, truly. And you will be too. But right now, it’s probably difficult getting through each hour.

Do you have a friend you can confide in? I didn’t tell anyone for a week and existed as some sort of ghost floating through my own life. Once I told a friend, she let me cry on her for six hours and the relief was immense. It was only once I had someone on my side that I could even think about talking to him, getting him to leave, sorting paperwork etc.

Go gently with yourself. But also, know you deserve better than this. Your children will be okay.

I’m so sorry. I’ve been where you are four years ago. Only difference is ow told me as she had been heartbroken to realise he was still married and felt I needed to know.
Be kind to yourself. I kicked him out and I don’t regret it.
Just be mindful of the ow though, mine played the devastated lied to victim but four year so ago she has come back and they are a couple again. That hurts but you will be fine. Just keep your guard up x

The most telling bit for me is that he concocts massive lies to get someone to sleep with him and have a relationship. It's like those women who find out they were in a relationship with someone undercover.

He is a very nasty and dangerous piece of shit and you need to get rid of him and rinse him for all you can get.

He li3d to both of you. This is not a man worth keepin.

I would let him know that he will have the kids HALF THE WEEK SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE A LIFE SOME CHILDFREE TIME AND WORK.

do not let him waltz off with all of the freedom (to work).

Aw, OP
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Men like that don't rehabilitate

Thankyou all so much for your advice, this is really helping.
A bit of background is he cheated while we were engaged and all the way through us getting married and I becoming pregnant a few months later. I found out that time because his whole demeanour changed with me, he found fault with everything i did, how i looked, how i wore my clothes.. Even how i walked (waddled) while pregnant. I lifted his phone one night and i found out about 2 different women.
I fell apart. I packed and left but after a week or so i decided to try again.. Probably because i felt vulnerable while pregnant and he talked me around.
Since that i went through a really tough time, i completely changed as a person. I was constantly suspicious and the once bubble of happiness i lived in was completely gone. I didn't try to make him miserable, but i wasn't backing down to him anymore. He always had things his way, i never argued even if I wanted to.
But now i had my say over everything and he didn't like it. Things were ok, i went to counselling because the trauma from the cheating and i became pregnant with twins 2 yrs later.
Things have been tough, 3 so young is gard work but his help was minimal and he didnt seem to understand why i was so tired all the time and he complained alot about me not keeping things tidy all the time.
Ive often wondered why he ever married me, ive never felt good enough.
But since this has all happened again he says its my fault.. That he needed more affection and found it elsewhere.

Apologies for the long post..
Its hard to explain everything.
The other woman is completely devastated.. The lies he told her are unimaginable.. And when she tried to end it twice because he didn't seem fully committed he pleaded with her not to and kept it going.
How could he possibly think he could keep that going much longer....