Husband was having an affair

[joeyhope2]

Long time lurker here..
Hoping for advice..
Just found out my husband of 5 years, and father of 3 children under 4 is/was having an affair. Without going into too much detail I worked it out and confronted him and at first he denied everything but then confessed to a few meet ups, and only just kissing was involved.
Without his knowledge I was able to contact the girl. She was completely shocked & extremely upset, he told her he was single, childless and a web of lies that is is incomprehensible. She told me it was a full on relationship for 5 months and that he pursued her relentlessly. They had dates, hotel stays, bought presents for each other etc etc..
He didn't tell me any of this.
I haven't confronted him yet. I just dont know what to do, its like im stuck in some dark hole and i cant find a way out or even a way to deal with it all. To make it worse this isn't the first time hes done it.
My poor little children will be the ones to suffer now, and this is breaking me.

You poor thing.

I recommend what others have said:
Self care first. Eat, hydrate, exercise/fresh air and sleep/rest.

Tell someone in real life if you can.

Then practical and legal planning and advice.

You WILL get through this, I promise. It’ll be rough for a while but you will x

Go to chumplady.com-he's following "the script" all cheaters do which INCLUDES blaming you! Get a shit hot divorce lawyer and tell to fuck off enjoy paying child support for 18 years.

Well he sounds like a prize idiot! Cheaters will always find an excuse for their cheating. Their problem is inside them not you so don't believe that for a minute. He is a slimy scuzzbag and he does not deserve you.stop blaming yourself you've done nothing wrong.Kick his sorry arse to the kerb once and for all and work on your self esteem with the support of your friends and family.

The reality is he likes the thrill of the chase and always will. Time to get angry and think of you and the children.get legal advice straight away!

Your children won't suffer they're better off without the lying cheating bastard, who will do nothing but upset their mother and make their home an unhappy one.
Two separate parents who are happy, are better then two miserable ones.

How could he have thought that he could lead that sort of a double life and get away with it? Could he have a personality disorder, OP? (Not making excuses for him, no excuse for this, just seems totally irrational).

@joeyhope2 also just wanted you to know you're not alone in this. My ex wrapped himself up in a web of lies which included taking other women to hotels when I wasn't free to go on the trips with him, and I believe there was some presents exchanged as well. I'll never know the extent of it, but what I do know is that he couldn't even explain it himself, other than to say he managed to do these things, then shut the door on them, and come home to his family with no guilt (i.e. compartmentalisation).
I spoke to a psychologist who suggested he probably has NPD.
No good will come of you staying with him.

Gosh OP this latest update is quite difficult to read as you continued to engage with this man after his relentless cheating. So now its time to make your final move......away from him. If you stay then you know that he will continue to cheat on you and abuse you, so what do you want in life? Stay with a liar and a cheat or get out and rebuild your life?

OP leave him. You're not the woman you used to be. This is not your fault.

He's always been a cheat. It's who he is. He won't change.

He’ll put you through hell if you stay. If the kids suffer it’s not your doing. Eventually his birth control, if he uses any, will fail and you’ll have family money going on half siblings.

Dh works with a man like this, he won’t stop while he’s got breath in his body. His dw thought it would stop when he was 40. Then 50.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

None of this is your fault. Please don’t listen to any of his excuses. You’re a mother raising three small children, he’s a grown arsed man, how dare he say this. Trouble is his half baked excuses fall flat when you see how many times he has done this to you.

He’s a horrible, unremorseful, serial cheat, the lowest of the low. A vile human being and a terrible example to your children.

As I said before self care first, std testing and then legal advice.

You are worth so much more than this sorry excuse of a man child.

OP, please don’t buy into his cliche blame-shifting. HE is not good enough!

The truth is he is a pathetic, selfish man who feels entitled to chase illicit thrills. He has massive character flaws and his mistreatment of both you and the OW proves this.

I hope you have thrown him out. You and your children deserve an emotionally safe home, but this man who lacks integrity, decency or empathy will never provide that.

Wow he is the ultimate scumbag. On this occasion, both you and the other woman have been totally played. She is probably feeling as bad as you as her “boyfriend’ was secretly married. You and her should team up and both fuck him off completely.

Christ. This is awful!

Sometimes I need more affection in my life so I spoke to my husband about it and we have sort of met in the middle. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

The LAST thing I would do would be to risk my whole family and their happiness by seeking affection elsewhere.

He's a lying cheat and honestly, if you go back to him after this, it will happen again and again. You'll be miserable forever.

A friend of mine was married to a serial cheater and she put up with it . He finally left her when she was in her 60s. Don't let yourself become another one.

He's cheated a couple of times, that you know of, there could quite easily be more that you don't know about, he's lied, blamed you and just generally disrespected you. You deserve so much better.

HE is not good enough for YOU!! remember that.

Chuck his arse out, he is the cheat, he will do it again and again.

get your ducks in a row, paperwork/bank details/accounts etc before you show your hand
but get rid, you and your kids will be okay. Set a good example for them and do not tolerate this mans shit