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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

hating my baby's dad for leaving me when pregnant

49 replies

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 21:04

When me and baby's dad first started dating I didn't tell him I'd slept with two guys that work at the same company as him (before I'd met him obvs). I was being selfish - I really liked him and knew he wouldn't like this about me so I kept it to myself.
After two months of dating I realised I had to tell him as we were about to become "official". I told him and it was awful, he was angry and disgusted. He didn't know the guys but occasionally has to see them at work. He felt humiliated.

It was awful for both of us but we struggled through because other than that we had an amazing connection and loved being around each other.

Our relationship continued but he often would bring it up. I eventually tried to end things because I realised he couldn't get over it and I was sick with guilt and shame, and also knew I couldn't live a life where I was punished for my mistake forever. But he would talk me out of it and say he was able to get over it and that he loved me and so we carried on.

I fell pregnant. He continued to bring it up, call me names and make me feel like a lying slut. I guess that's what I am but I knew I couldn't raise a child in that environment. I couldn't take the accusations any more, I moved out and we broke up.

He is happier now we aren't together - I think I needed to be the one who ended it as I guess he wasn't brave enough. He is continuing on with his life and plans to see the baby at weekends. I on the other hand have had to quit my job, claim benefits to support me and the baby and have no idea how or when I will ever be able to afford to go back to work. I am so happy to have my beautiful baby and excited to meet him, but I also feel resentful of my ex.

I don't even know what I'm asking here ... I just feel so angry and abandoned. I guess I secretly hoped when I leave and he realises his baby won't have his dad around then he would get over the past.

Do I have any right to be annoyed?

OP posts:

MintJulia · 02/11/2021 21:13

My first thought is he sounds selfish, superficial and immature so I don't think you've lost much. You've more courage in your little finger! You deserve much better.

It isn't fair, you are right. Make sure you claim CMS as soon as your baby is born. If he wants to see his child at the weekends, that won't just involve popping round to bounce baby on his knee. He'll need to change nappies etc. Will he be up for that?

Soontobe60 · 02/11/2021 21:14

Believe me, he’s an absolute prick. Whom you chose to sleep with at any point in our life has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. He had no right to that info, nor did he have any right to insult you in many way. You have done nothing wrong!

Opentooffers · 02/11/2021 21:40

You feel far too much shame, more than is worrented. So what if you slept with 2 guys, who he rarely comes across at work? It was never any of his business, and it's totally fine that you didn't tell him. What was not fine, was him trying to shame you when you did say something ( I wouldn't have bothered). Was still not his business, if he wanted a virgin, he should of found one. You are all adults, this is the 21st century, you can sleep with who you like as long as you can remain professional at work. Which begs the question, why the hell did you give up your job?! Totally unnecessary, stop shaming yourself. Do you see either of the 3 of them now giving their jobs up? No? It's as fine for you to sleep with them as it was for them with you. Get some counselling, it's your life, you are entitled to it, own it. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here, it's all in your head, and fed by his sexist attitude.

toothache3000 · 02/11/2021 21:40

You are not a slut. Unless you got together as 15 year old virgins, then everyone has a past. It is absolutely not your fault he cannot deal with that. If he wasn't shaming you for that, he would find something else to beat you with. He is a massive massive prick.

TokenGinger · 02/11/2021 21:42

Please don't talk about yourself the way you are in that post. He's really got into your head. Sleeping with those men wasn't a mistake. You're not a lying slut.

You were a single woman and entitled to have sex with whomever you wished.

He sounds like an awful man and I'm glad you're rid of him. It will be tough raising a little one alone but you'll do it

roarfeckingroarr · 02/11/2021 21:44

He has no right to judge you for things you did while single. Don't be so hard on yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

Why did you have to quit your job?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2021 21:46

Are you both very young op? How old are you?

Original poster

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 21:47

Thanks ladies for your responses - it's really nice to have someone on side and makes me feel less alone.

To clarify, I have quit my job so that I can look after the baby as I can't afford childcare x

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 21:47

@Bluntness100

Are you both very young op? How old are you?

I am 27 and he is 31 x

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 02/11/2021 21:49

Tbf they would have likely told him if you didn’t, people say he doesn’t have a right to know but I personally wouldn’t want to date someone that had slept with two people I work with, so that’s a personal choice he was wrong to continue to date you though and constantly have a go at you over it. Sounds like you are better off apart

smoko · 02/11/2021 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 22:01

@smoko

If you believe in karma then arguably this is the consequence of intentionally hiding information about yourself that you know would have affected someone’s decision about choosing to date you.

You took away someone’s choice to decide. Now you are tied to them forever through a child & can’t choose to leave him in the past.

Not saying I believe in karma, but starting a relationship based on a lie by omission is not great.

I too would not want to date someone who had relations with 2 of my colleagues for a variety of reasons.

Yes I do believe in karma. I hate myself because my actions have meant my little boy doesn't have a family.

OP posts:

Danikm151 · 02/11/2021 22:04

You shouldn’t have to quit your job. There is help towards childcare available.
By giving up your job you are giving up the right to statutory maternity pay too.
Don’t hinder yourself.

He needs to get over himself and realise it’s more about seeing your child on weekends. It’s about being a parent

Newmum29 · 02/11/2021 22:06

Previous posters are being fucking ridiculous - you are entitled to sleep with whoever you like when single. It’s none of his business. Nothing to do with karma and why the hell wouldn’t you want to be with someone who had slept with some of your colleagues? What does it have to do with anyone? Of course you’re not the reason your son doesn’t have a father. You made the right decision to leave someone who showed you no respect. Name calling isn’t justified.

smoko · 02/11/2021 22:08

That language is a bit dramatic - your kid doesn’t have family ? No grandparents, auntie/uncles, close family friends?

northerngirl142947 · 02/11/2021 22:11

You'd get 85% of your childcare laid by universal credit

Original poster

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 22:11

@smoko

That language is a bit dramatic - your kid doesn’t have family ? No grandparents, auntie/uncles, close family friends?

Yes he has a wider family of course.

OP posts:

felulageller · 02/11/2021 22:12

Omg you've done nothing wrong. He's an abusive prick and you and baby are better off without him.

Dont give him parental rights, he'll ruin your life.

Original poster

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 22:14

@northerngirl142947

You'd get 85% of your childcare laid by universal credit

Can I get childcare on top of my universal credit? the universal credit Ive worked out im entitled to just barely covers my rent, bills and food ? X

OP posts:

MenoMom · 02/11/2021 22:21

It’s not karma for you not telling him you slept with 2 people in his company - you told him, he didn’t break up then as he could have, you didn’t take his choice away.

What’s awful is not you sleeping with other people before you met him cut is him being abusive and bullying you - you sound much better off without him.

DPotter · 02/11/2021 22:29

Yes - it5's completely understandable that you feel angry and upset that you'll be raising your child alone. Please don't bank on this man changing his mind about getting back together with you as he's not worth that worry.

Totally agree with others - it's absolutely of no concern to any current partner who you have had sex with before (OK -might be of concern if it was another family member, but hey you get where I'm coming from).

A few questions -
why did you think you needed to tell this chap that you have had sex with others he might know? Absolutely none of his business. Don't do this ever again

why do you think you need to give up your job? Please check exactly your benefit entitlement AND what you can expect from a CMS claim from the 'father'?

You will be putting in a CMS claim, won't you?

You will be a lovely little family with your baby. You will be fine. The baby will be fine. If the father wants to be part of the baby's life - that's good, but don't chase him. Name the baby yourself with your surname, if he's left you he doesn't deserve to be part of choosing your baby's name. And get that CMS claim in as soon as the baby is born.

TurnUpTurnip · 02/11/2021 22:30

People are entitled to not want to date someone for whatever reason they like! Personally I would avoid people that had slept with people I know that’s my business I don’t think the op was wrong to sleep with them though and like I said he shouldn’t have been being horrible to her about it should have just ended it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/11/2021 22:42

Yes I do believe in karma. I hate myself because my actions have meant my little boy doesn't have a family.

Yes he does. His parents just aren't together in a relationship. He still has a family.

You wouldn't say that another woman who is a single parent has given their child 'no family' would you?

If not, stop holding yourself to a different set of expectations / value judgements than you would hold other people to.

huuskymam · 02/11/2021 22:44

You have nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. Everyone has a past. This was his issue that he couldn't get over.

Original poster

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 22:48

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes I do believe in karma. I hate myself because my actions have meant my little boy doesn't have a family.

Yes he does. His parents just aren't together in a relationship. He still has a family.

You wouldn't say that another woman who is a single parent has given their child 'no family' would you?

If not, stop holding yourself to a different set of expectations / value judgements than you would hold other people to.

I don't see it as him not having a family I guess, but I'm putting myself in my sons shoes and worrying that's how he will feel when he's older :(

I hope I am wrong. My best friend is a single mum to two and they are perfectly happy children who very much feel like they have a family so I don't know why my son would feel otherwise. But I can't help but think of the worst.

OP posts:

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