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Original poster

hating my baby's dad for leaving me when pregnant

49 replies

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 21:04

When me and baby's dad first started dating I didn't tell him I'd slept with two guys that work at the same company as him (before I'd met him obvs). I was being selfish - I really liked him and knew he wouldn't like this about me so I kept it to myself.
After two months of dating I realised I had to tell him as we were about to become "official". I told him and it was awful, he was angry and disgusted. He didn't know the guys but occasionally has to see them at work. He felt humiliated.

It was awful for both of us but we struggled through because other than that we had an amazing connection and loved being around each other.

Our relationship continued but he often would bring it up. I eventually tried to end things because I realised he couldn't get over it and I was sick with guilt and shame, and also knew I couldn't live a life where I was punished for my mistake forever. But he would talk me out of it and say he was able to get over it and that he loved me and so we carried on.

I fell pregnant. He continued to bring it up, call me names and make me feel like a lying slut. I guess that's what I am but I knew I couldn't raise a child in that environment. I couldn't take the accusations any more, I moved out and we broke up.

He is happier now we aren't together - I think I needed to be the one who ended it as I guess he wasn't brave enough. He is continuing on with his life and plans to see the baby at weekends. I on the other hand have had to quit my job, claim benefits to support me and the baby and have no idea how or when I will ever be able to afford to go back to work. I am so happy to have my beautiful baby and excited to meet him, but I also feel resentful of my ex.

I don't even know what I'm asking here ... I just feel so angry and abandoned. I guess I secretly hoped when I leave and he realises his baby won't have his dad around then he would get over the past.

Do I have any right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Glindaswand · 02/11/2021 22:51

What a vile post talking about the OPs karma. Read the OP she did inform him before becoming exclusive & before becoming pregnant.
OP don’t kick yourself or let anyone else x

TedMullins · 02/11/2021 22:54

He’s a vile misogynist. You can sleep with whoever you like when you’re single and the fact he had a problem with that shows what he thinks of women. You’re better off without him

TatianaBis · 02/11/2021 22:55

I find it so sad that anyone at 27 has internalised this kind of misogyny.

I wish you well OP, you've dodged an insecure misogynist bullet.

wtfisthatspiderdoing · 02/11/2021 23:09

It's unclear from your posts if the baby is already born? If it's not born then why on earth have you quit your job as it means you lose maternity pay?
Your child will have a family. You chose to have a child with this man, he wants to be involved in the child's life. You need to work out how to co parent. Don't alienate the child from its father because you resent him for not wanting to be in a relationship with you. The child has two parents. Make sure the father contributes financially and make sure during contact that he properly parents (doesn't become Disney dad).

DriftingBlue · 02/11/2021 23:35

He’s a jerk.

You also chose to have a baby with someone who you were dating. He had no responsibilities to you whatsoever. His reason for having trouble with the relationship was despicable, but he just as easily could have figured out that you just weren’t the one for him and decided to move on.

Continuing to resent him isn’t going to accomplish anything. File for maintenance and move on.

daretodenim · 03/11/2021 07:13

His attitude to you having a sex life before meeting him is horrific. It doesn't matter who it was with! You were not obliged to tell him and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about!

I'm really glad you broke up with him. I don't, however, care if he's happier now! He treated you APPALLINGLY. I completely understand why you hate him. You should. However, don't waste your energy on him, he's not worth it.

You need to prioritise yourself, your feelings, your future. Do not for one moment prioritise him.

For what it's worth, it's far healthier in this situation for your DC to grow up without watching their mother be slut-shamed and experiencing other forms of verbal abuse and misogyny. You've saved him/her from a lot of trauma.

TheChip · 03/11/2021 07:35

Well he hasn't abandoned you. You ended things. Rightfully so, because he sounds like a dick. But the point still stands that he has not abandoned you. He still plans on being a part of your child's life.

He had an issue with having to work with people you slept with, and couldn't handle it. He was wrong with how he treat you because of it, but you were not wrong to have done it or to tell him about it.

It was a shitty situation before you fell pregnant. It's a shitty situation now, but it will only get better.
Try not to give him much thought. He's not really worth it.

femfemlicious · 03/11/2021 07:49

OP have you left work already? Are you getting maternity pay. Having one child as a single mother and working ia very doable. I thi k you should focus on working on getting back to work after maternity leave. You really dont have to remain on benefits

Whysotired · 03/11/2021 07:53

You are not a slut!! I hate men who call women that! He is an utter utter dick. You did nothing wrong. Who you sept with before him is absolutely none of his business. If he is too damn childish to deal with it you had a lucky escape.

Look at childcare through UC. They can help pay up to 85%.

Put in for CMS and please don’t think your baby will not have a family. He has you and that’s the most important thing.

Try not to resent your ex though as this will not help with co parenting your baby. Try to just put the past in the past and move on to a life with your baby. Your baby has to come first now so try to be civil.

Also OP please understand that you deserve a lot better than him!

Skittles98 · 03/11/2021 08:18

I have doubts this post is real as none of it adds up.

Why would OP have left work before having the baby? Why would OP not claim maternity leave or pay if not entitled to mat leave?

And the whole shame around sex with people prior to the relationship is weird. Doesn't sound like OP lost her virginity to these men so why suddenly care about who she slept with when she wasn't in a relationship with the guy? Just doesn't really make sense.

ErickBroch · 03/11/2021 09:46

You could have slept with 20 guys at his work and his reaction is still fucked. He sounds like an awful, abusive man who is a misogynist. Thank GOD you have left him.

bluebell34567 · 03/11/2021 10:00

you didnt cheat on him, you just couldnt tell him sooner -which can happen-, but you werent very late. he should break up bfore pregnancy if he had concerns or stop bringing about it and calling you names. he cant stomach it.
you shouldnt blame yourself. he should be more mature and think of the child. his fault or trying to blame you to get out of the situation if he is so happy now.
you dont know him long and he doesnt look very suitable for you.
enjoy your child, dont expect any future relationship with him anymore. he will call you names again.

bluebell34567 · 03/11/2021 10:01

@Skittles98

I have doubts this post is real as none of it adds up.

Why would OP have left work before having the baby? Why would OP not claim maternity leave or pay if not entitled to mat leave?

And the whole shame around sex with people prior to the relationship is weird. Doesn't sound like OP lost her virginity to these men so why suddenly care about who she slept with when she wasn't in a relationship with the guy? Just doesn't really make sense.

the guys behaviour doesnt add up thats why.
grapewine · 03/11/2021 10:05

Why did you quit your job? That wasn't thought through.

Bananarama21 · 03/11/2021 10:06

I'm going to give you abit of tough love op you need to get over it accept the situation as it is, right now your child needs you. Make a plan, get a part time job put him in childcare and carve a life for you. You can hold onto the pass or move forward, only you can make that choice the only other is to sink into a depression. I was in the same situation I was 21 and was left with a baby I got a job and as time went on I meet dh and started a new career and had more dc, the was key was looking forward and not back.

Original poster
namechangeobvs1988 · 03/11/2021 10:32

@grapewine

Why did you quit your job? That wasn't thought through.
I didn't want to put too many personal details because I didn't want to out myself but I can see that it's causing confusion... When I say "quit my job" what I mean was "quit uni". I was a student when I fell pregnant so not eligible for any maternity leave. I've quit, got a zero contract hour cleaning job (that I'm not eligible for maternity pay from as I was too far pregnant when I started) and am claiming benefits to subsidise that. I have no idea how or when I'll be able to return to studying.
OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeobvs1988 · 03/11/2021 10:33

@Bananarama21

I'm going to give you abit of tough love op you need to get over it accept the situation as it is, right now your child needs you. Make a plan, get a part time job put him in childcare and carve a life for you. You can hold onto the pass or move forward, only you can make that choice the only other is to sink into a depression. I was in the same situation I was 21 and was left with a baby I got a job and as time went on I meet dh and started a new career and had more dc, the was key was looking forward and not back.
I've had some really helpful comments so far but this one is my favourite, thank you xx
OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 03/11/2021 10:37

namechangeobvs1988 I'm glad my comment helped Flowers I remember being at my lowest, I lost a ton of weight and not seeing the wood for the trees, it was a kind stranger telling me it might seem hopeless now but in time it will get better and before you know it, it's all a distant memory and she was right.

beastlyslumber · 03/11/2021 10:43

So, the two people you slept with before, were they also students at uni? Is that where you met your partner too? If so, it makes it even more crazy that your partner could have any issue with that. I mean, I sort of understand someone being a bit weird if it was a small company and their partner had slept with half the people in it. I don't think it matters at all but I could understand someone not wanting to pursue a relationship with someone in that circumstance. But it sounds like you were both students, which makes it completely different.

Honestly, this guy sounds very controlling, selfish and ridiculous. You will be happier without him.

GrumpyTerrier · 03/11/2021 10:45

This is outrageous. How dare he treat you like that just because you slept with people before you knew him? What an immature insecure idiot. You did nothing wrong and to be honest who you slept with is none of his business. You have dodged a massive bullet here, he is actually not a good person. He has treated you abusively to the extent that you are now saying you deserve bad karma, calling yourself a lying slut? For what, having sex before you met this guy? Can't you see how ridiculous that is?

You sound like a nice normal person who is being very brave, ending it with this utter idiot and trying to be a good mum. You are MILES better than him!

Henio · 03/11/2021 10:59

Bloody hell! It was absolutely NONE of his business who you had sex with before dating him

Original poster
namechangeobvs1988 · 03/11/2021 11:03

@beastlyslumber

So, the two people you slept with before, were they also students at uni? Is that where you met your partner too? If so, it makes it even more crazy that your partner could have any issue with that. I mean, I sort of understand someone being a bit weird if it was a small company and their partner had slept with half the people in it. I don't think it matters at all but I could understand someone not wanting to pursue a relationship with someone in that circumstance. But it sounds like you were both students, which makes it completely different.

Honestly, this guy sounds very controlling, selfish and ridiculous. You will be happier without him.

No I didn't meet them at uni. It's a medium sized company
OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 03/11/2021 11:36

@Skittles98

I have doubts this post is real as none of it adds up.

Why would OP have left work before having the baby? Why would OP not claim maternity leave or pay if not entitled to mat leave?

And the whole shame around sex with people prior to the relationship is weird. Doesn't sound like OP lost her virginity to these men so why suddenly care about who she slept with when she wasn't in a relationship with the guy? Just doesn't really make sense.

i agree with you now, sorry. it doesnt add up.
ArblemarchTFruitbat · 03/11/2021 12:49

@ErickBroch

You could have slept with 20 guys at his work and his reaction is still fucked. He sounds like an awful, abusive man who is a misogynist. Thank GOD you have left him.
This. You're under no obligation to 'declare' your sexual past and have it approved. If he didn't like it he could have ended things and you'd have been well shot of him.
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