Can you really leave someone who is severely depressed

[Rocket123]

Have been married to him for 11 years and 3 primary aged children. He's been depressed for nearly 3 years now and currently worse than ever. He's destroyed our finances, can't bring himself to work for low pay but can't do his previous self employed job so just feeling stuck. The financial pressure on me is very stressful and is eroding my savings. He's on ADs and having therapy but I feel like I've wasted 3 years feeling scared and lonely and stressed and he's now actually worse.

I think I've been enabling him. He's been taking cocaine and drinking, I am so appalled at this and got tests to try and make him stop and left with the kids but only for a week.

I know he's not doing it to hurt me, he's hurting himself and not thinking about his family. I know that's bad. But I look at him so forlorn, so sad and hopeless with no job and I think he's addicted to the drugs (does it maybe once a fortnight now I think) and I'm terrified if I leave him he'll kill himself or something. How can I leave him when he literally would have nothing and it would give him more reasons to be down? Even on the practical side I don't see how I can get him to leave with no means of getting anywhere else. No family or friends, new ish area. I look at the beautiful children and want to help their dad so that they don't have the sadness of seeing him so down and out. But it's destroying me. I feel so trapped.

Of course you can and you must
Not just for yourself but for your children. They deserve better than this life. It's not his fault he's ill but he's also a drug user and he's going to cause the children emotional harm if they grow up living with this. He's also draining you of all your resources and you're a person too and you deserve not to exist just to prop up someone else even if he does have mental ill health.

You must do what you can to save yourself and your children. Keep that thought uppermost in your mind. He will try to make you stay/ continue the relationship, because you are his meal-ticket and his life-organiser. Be strong for yourself and your children.

Yes you can , his mental health is not your responsibility but your own and your children's are. Living with a parent like him won't be doing your children any good.

CloseYourEyesAndSee thank you - yes I know you're right. I'm having therapy and it's making me realise I am a person too, think I got lost in trying to help him for so long and put myself last. But I'm breaking. I agree about the children too- but I'm terrified of being the one to put the final nail in the coffin for him, so to speak. I look at him so down, feeling like a total loser and think how can I kick him when he's so down. What if he ends up badly addicted, would that be worse for the kids?! Also I am sad for the person he should be without his trauma, but I can't live like this.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle thank you. For a long time I thought that making Dad better is what's best for the children. I felt a responsibility towards him because they needed a healthy father. Now that it's affecting my health, and I'm having therapy, I'm seeing it differently. But I'm still so scared of being the one to do that to him, I know he'll spiral down and I'll be sitting at home so worried about him, or worried about getting a knock on the door.

If he’s not getting any better and it’s affecting all areas of your life I don’t think there’s much choice but to live separately.
You can still help him claim any benefits he needs, find a place to live and get help with his depression.

I understand that worry, and I empathise, however it's time for him to not be the only one you're considering when making these decisions.

What you need and what your dc's need now need to be your priority.

You have given him love, support and care for 3 whole years to help him to 'overcome' his problems and mental health issues, but this has had a 'knock on' effect for the rest of the family too.

You are realizing that you cannot continue to do this forever.

You must now prioritise yourself and your DC's.

It may well be that he spirals downward without you 'taking care' of him, but many people need to hit 'rock bottom' before they are willing to take control/ownership of their own health/ mental health.

Hopefully, he will begin to help himself, but it may take some relapses and a great deal of time. (But after 3 years of trying, you know nothing will ever change for him unless you make him leave and assume responsibility for himself.)

If he stopped the drink and drugs the ADs will actually start working properly! Is he seeing someone especially for the addiction?

He needs to help himself though and it doesn’t sound like he is.

I don’t think you would be leaving a severely depressed person. I think you’d be leaving a drug addict.

The current situation is no good at all fir your kids. You owe it to them to leave. Not saying you will find it easy but it is the right thing.

Yes you can. I did. It saved my life and that of my children. You cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves. They just drag you down with them until the waves close over the top and you drown too.

This is not your fault. His depression is not your fault. It is also not your responsibility to "fix" him.

I am so sorry you are facing this, but you must be strong for yourself and your children and choose to have a better life.

Stage 1 is to emotionally detach and make your plans to bring this empty, pointless marriage to a close.

You should. Not because he’s depressed but because he’s not committed to getting better. Not if he’s taking cocaine and drinking alcohol.
You can’t make him better.
And yes I’ve been depressed too.

He is the only one who can help himself OP. You and your DC can’t and can’t be expected to either.

Three years with zero progress and infact getting worse doesn’t bode well. He can’t bring himself to work for low pay = doesn’t want to and is prepared to let you shoulder the responsibility while bringing up his DC.

Depression is absolutely grim and I’d not wish it on anyone but it’s going to ruin your lives and that’s unfair. All the talking therapy in the world won’t cure him. He has to really work hard at getting better and that doesn’t involve opting out of all the responsibilities of adulthood and parenting and letting you do it.

Leaving might even give him the motivation to work harder at getting better and the drugs absolutely need to go. He doesn’t have his familys interests at heart.

I think he has lots of issues.
Is he on the right medication if he is still depressed after 3 years. Is he taking them? Yes you maybe enabling him if your buying alcohol and drugs or giving him money
He is not your responsibility.
What is he doing for himself besides opting out of life.
People with depression benefit from getting out daily and doing something.
Do you claim tax credits if you are in the uk?
Have a look at Coda - codependents anonymous website.
Are you getting therapy.
What is your financial situation - who owns the house is it rented?
You shouldn’t be the one to move out though but I understand he may not leave willingly.

I had some sympathy with him until I got to the cocaine part.

Leave him. ASAP

Thank you to everyone. I need to hear all this, in my head for some reason I feel like I'm a bad person if I leave.

I absolutely don't buy alcohol or drugs for him, in fact I tried to take control of all the money to stop him. He has hugely reduced it but he says it's his fail safe coping mechanism, acknowledges it's damaging but every now and then goes off to do it. All in secret. I hate drugs so think in any case now I know that, there's no future for us.

I think the people saying he needs to hit rock bottom are right unfortunately- I think I've been kind of fighting to stop him getting there as I've been scared. But realising that now, and realise it's made it too easy for him to just wallow in everything and I feel like his parent.

We own our house and I have a well paid job so will be fine if I moved into a smaller house, not worried about that. I'm concerned about him, but like pp have said, maybe he'll take some responsibility when he has no choice.

bigbeautwoman I agree! It's not super regular, but it still will be messing with his head. Last week he made an appointment with a specialist clinic for the cocaine thing. That's coming up, which is good.

Leaving him because hes depressed I would say no. Leaving him because of drugs and alcohol definitely.

You would not be a bad person here for leaving him. What you’ve tried to date has not worked and so a different tack is needed. You have merely played out the usual roles associated with addicts, namely enabler, codependent partner and provoker because you never forget.

Would suggest you get off this merry go around completely before you and your children are yet further harmed. Deal with your codependency issues through therapy and contact CODA. Reading Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie along with Women who love too much by Robin Norwood could also help you in your own recovery.

We're only human beings. We are not carers or counsellors. How long does a person put up with things. Should another person be allowed to emotionally effect another and in turn their children.

He's depressed, doing drugs and drinking. Not a great combo. I know my mental health has dramatically increased when not drinking, which means I sleep better which means my mood is better.

You've done 3 years snd maybe you need to have a conversation about being at the end of your tether, maybe you need to distance from him if you can, maybe you need to separate until he sorts himself out.

When people get married it's as if the buck is passed to them, ultimately I think it's the persons responsibility and parents. Especially if you've tried to be supportive, which it sounds like you have.

He’s not committed to his own recovery. He could work but chooses not to as he’s ‘too good for it’, he takes drink and drugs, he’s happy to let you carry the whole burden for family life, including the huge financial pressures brought about by his behaviour.

You can’t afford him - it’s as simple as that. He’s completely self absorbed and he’s dragging you down, and he’s dragging your kids down. Whipping away the safety net might be just what he needs. You need to find your anger and find a way to give your kids a happy, positive, upbringing 💖

Of course you should leave. You've no money, he won't work and he's spending money on drink and drugs? Dump him.

I may be hard as nails and lack empathy but the first sniff of my husband if I had one doing drugs and I'd ship out. It's zero tolerance I'm afraid, children or not. It's selfish and unfair.

You may actually do him more good by leaving: aside from which? Your kids need to be your priority, and this is all very unhealthy for them.

I was in a long term relationship with an addict and went back and forth a few times. I loved him and was afraid me leaving would be the final straw. In the end, when I did leave, although he was in a bad way for a few weeks, he sorted himself out in the end. It was the wake up call he needed. He went from burning through his savings on drugs to building up a successful business. He is married, has a family and is doing brilliantly. There will always be a bit of me that misses him, but if I hadn't left him I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be around now. So that's okay.

You can, you really do need to put yourself and your kids first - the risk is that he pulls you down with him and you end up trapped by finances, your own mental health etc and run out of choices. The rule has to be “put your own oxygen mask on first”, if you’re running out of steam caring for him you’ll be of no use to anyone, including your kids.

Maybe decide how long you can live like this and set a timescale for when you want to go, if things don’t improve.

How old is your youngest?
That's good he is trying to get help for himself