Can you really leave someone who is severely depressed

[Rocket123]

Have been married to him for 11 years and 3 primary aged children. He's been depressed for nearly 3 years now and currently worse than ever. He's destroyed our finances, can't bring himself to work for low pay but can't do his previous self employed job so just feeling stuck. The financial pressure on me is very stressful and is eroding my savings. He's on ADs and having therapy but I feel like I've wasted 3 years feeling scared and lonely and stressed and he's now actually worse.

I think I've been enabling him. He's been taking cocaine and drinking, I am so appalled at this and got tests to try and make him stop and left with the kids but only for a week.

I know he's not doing it to hurt me, he's hurting himself and not thinking about his family. I know that's bad. But I look at him so forlorn, so sad and hopeless with no job and I think he's addicted to the drugs (does it maybe once a fortnight now I think) and I'm terrified if I leave him he'll kill himself or something. How can I leave him when he literally would have nothing and it would give him more reasons to be down? Even on the practical side I don't see how I can get him to leave with no means of getting anywhere else. No family or friends, new ish area. I look at the beautiful children and want to help their dad so that they don't have the sadness of seeing him so down and out. But it's destroying me. I feel so trapped.

What if his addiction deepens, and he starts dealing or holding to finance his habit? Are you happy that your kids might come across packages of class As at the bottom of their toybox, or under the stairs? Are you ok with him taking it in their home, getting sloppy and leaving coke traces on a table where a curious small child might find it?

If you're ok with that, crack on and let the poor "depressed" bunny keep on living with the kids,and shoving your savings up his nose. If you're not happy with it, chuck him out.

Having had pretty severe depression for quite a few years (no longer) honestly one of the worst things is no motivation and feeling so hopeless. But, and this is a big but, it is really true that you have to do a lot of self-care and be really committed to it to make any improvements. It’s not just taking the ADs and doing talk therapy. You have to make good choices with diet, exercise, sleep and activities that are helpful.

It’s very hard as when you feel so depressed you find it so difficult to self-care but that’s exactly what you have to do and with real focus and commitment every day. That includes working even if part time or volunteering - anything to get you out of the house and doing something.

What you describe to me is someone who is actually doing the bare minimum to help their depression. Some ADs and some talk therapy is not enough. From your post you make it sound like he is also refusing to do lower paid work - is that because he’s actually incapable of it or because he feels it’s beneath him?

Honestly, yes, at this point you are enabling him. Depression is terrible but he isn’t helping himself. The drug taking even if ‘only’ once a fortnight is probably messing with his medication and his mental health generally. And it sounds like he is doing little else to try and raise his mood and function better.

It’s a horrible feature of depression that it can make you almost want to go lower it’s like a black hole sucking you in. If someone is there to provide a roof over your head and pay the bills so really you don’t need to do anything other than go deeper bit by bit it can actually make things worse in my view.

I’m not belittling how awful it is to be depressed it’s horrible, but at some point you have to decide whether you even want to try and get better or not and it sounds like he’s decided not to - and he’s able to do that because he is relying on you to earn, parent and keep the ship sailing.

It wouldnt make you a bad person. You have rights and needs too-- and so do your kids. It could be that you leaving might be the best thing for all of you, not just for you/the kids.

Thank you everyone, I needed to hear it all, you're all saying things I kind of know but am so confused by the day to day reality of it.

I feel with the drugs and drink, he's making strides to stop and it is very infrequent now but it is still bad I know that. Still changes how I feel about him. He made contact with a charity, but still he might do it again and that causes me anxiety and obviously I never want the kids exposed to that. Plus if bad things happen in future I'll be paranoid he's gone back to it.

Agree with people saying he has no need to get better while I do everything. He does work most of the time, but only working for himself doing what he wants and as he's so chaotic, there's no steady money and sometimes none. There was a segment on the radio about adult ADHD and I think that's him. If it doesn't suit him he finds it impossible. He's very creative and impulsive.

But it's so hard. He's on ADs, (got new ones about a month ago), does therapy every week, is looking for jobs right now and is being nice. So in this moment I'm seeing hope. The nicer moments almost suck me in. But I know in reality a dark moment is not far away, he isn't likely to do a job just to provide for us, and my trust in him is very damaged. Liked it when a pp said to stay angry. I'm so empathetic and a natural optimist and those two things have got me in this situation :(

TrollsAreSaddos Our youngest is 4 and oldest is 8.

I could stay with someone who was helping themselves, seeing a gp, having therapy and taking meds if needed. But there's no way I'd stay with someone who was self medicating with drink and drugs. He needs to pull himself out of this hole and seek proper help

Salayes this really resonated and you are spot on. I'm glad you came through it. Despite everything, even if we're apart, I desperately want him to come through it too. But maybe I've been approaching it wrong and what I thought was best for the kids is actually the worst for them. Such a minefield!

MsF1t your story gives me some strength, glad it worked out well and I think that was really brave. I am holding myself back sadly.

Wiredforsound I love the way you put it - you're right, I can't afford him in any sense of the word

I don’t understand why you feel sorry for him & concerned about his welfare? You should be angry with him for doing this to you & your children. Please put your & the children’s welfare first. He is a grown man who can sort himself out

@Rocket123 I know it's hard. My mentally ill mother phoned me to say she'd taken an overdose and was killing herself because she would 'never be a grandma'. I was a 23 year old 'young married' (three years in, I think), living in Douglas IoM, and had to put the phone down on my mum so I could phone people on the mainland to get her some help. So hard. But no matter what their mh issues, we can't cure them, they have to work through them with professional help. Your own life and the lives of your children have to take priority. You have to do that because he never will. Good luck.

I'm a therapist. Work for the NHS in mental health. Name changed to reply to this.

You absolutely can leave someone if you can no longer cope with being in a relationship with them due to their mental health/addictions. You don't owe anyone your partnership. The most you owe him is to be kind and civil as his fellow co-parent.

It's not good for you or your children to live with someone like this and if he isn't taking steps to get better then it would make sense to leave and protect them from witnessing this daily. Look at it this way: even you staying with him isn't helping him or helping him to get better.

My husband has clinical depression, I have had it too in the past. It's an illness and when you're ill in a family and relationship you owe it to the others you live with and who love you to take steps to get better. I've never considered leaving DH because I know he tries his absolute best to get better. Takes antidepressants, sees his GP, has therapy, pulls himself together to be the best parent he can be even though it exhausts him and later on he's shattered once our child is in bed. If he did drugs then he or I would be out of the door. I won't tolerate having a partner who does drugs.

You will have to sit with the knowledge that if you leave and he decides to take his own life or accidentally overdoses it isn't your fault, that's in his hands and it's his decisions. My advice is to get the details to hand for the crisis team and the samaritans and if you get a whiff when you've left that he might be in danger of harming himself contact them immediately. Treat any expressions of suicidal ideation as being serious. But you can't change this and you can't prevent someone who wants to hurt themselves from doing so. You can prevent yourself from going down with his sinking ship though and ensure you're in the best possible place to parent your children.

People say he needs to hit rock bottom but that's a bit of a cliche and not always true, lots of people start the process of recovery before hitting rock bottom and for some people rock bottom is death. It's a process of trying to separate yourself from him and from feeling responsibility towards him.

You get one life, you've more than supported him (and as you say, you've likely enabled him), he isn't getting better and you deserve to live a life without this around your neck. It's so tough living with someone who has mental illness and/or an addiction. But it's a choice to do so and you can make another choice.

But it's so hard. He's on ADs, (got new ones about a month ago), does therapy every week, is looking for jobs right now and is being nice. So in this moment I'm seeing hope. The nicer moments almost suck me in. But I know in reality a dark moment is not far away, he isn't likely to do a job just to provide for us, and my trust in him is very damaged.

It's probably better for you to leave while he is in a bit better of a place. It should make it easier. You can tell him that if he continues to recover and can prove he is better mentally and not using anymore that you may consider getting back together (if that is what you want), but that your trust has been damaged so badly you need some time separately.

Anyone with true insight into their troubles and repentance for their behaviour who loves you would recognise that it's for your own good to separate for the time being.

Thank you for all the replies. I've read every post a few times and each one has given me something to think about and I agree with the consensus that it is just not acceptable and me and the children deserve more. Now the hardest bit starts... knowing what I want but trying to figure out when and how. Can't help resenting him even more for putting me in this difficult situation when I should be just enjoying having young children and the joy they bring. The stress is almost unbearable. But I'll have to make a plan.

I grew up in a household with a father with a very serious mental health condition. It was very hard growing up because I couldn't have friends over and I had no siblings to chat to to make sense of what was happening.
There are times when I'm grateful that my parents stayed together, purely because I had a single sense of security and home and I don't know what the alternative would have been like ( maybe better, maybe worse ).
However, there were many times where the shear stress my mother was under caused me so much worry, even as a young child and as she was the main carer and stable person in my life, I was fully invested in her feelings rather than my father's.

You must do the thing that helps you be the best mum you can be. Firstly because you deserve to be content but secondly because that its what will be the biggest influence on outcomes for your children. They will be able to be so resilient if they have you, whatever you decide.
My dad always did what he was told to do by my mum, to minimise the impact of his illness on our family and that was so helpful and all he could contribute...but he did it.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I grew up with my dad suffering from depression- it’s hard for kids and frightening. The drug use you mention is a separate issue! I think based on the drug use you need to leave.. this needs resolving first then the depression. Even if you leaving is temporary; it hopefully would be a final straw that will help him get help. I would get his family and friends involved and tell them what’s going on so he has some support when you leave and you don’t feel such a burden or guilt. You aren’t responsible for his mental health. Difficult but he needs to take responsibility for it & work on this himself at some stage, or it will get worse. Only he can get himself out of this. You’ve been very supportive but you can’t do it forever and your children will suffer living with him whilst he’s like this. Good luck xxxx

I left my husband after 17 yrs of marriage despite him having severe mental health problems, the main cause was his numerous emotional affairs which he 'had' to partake in for the ego boost. He was also emotionally abusive.
Me and the kids walked around on eggshells, his moods decided the mood of the house. I should have left earlier but didn't because he threatened to kill himself.
He'd had counselling on and off for 17yrs but was never fully better, he worked but when he got bored he'd quit his job, he also spent money like it was water

I stayed friends with him after we split and the parent/child role continued until 18mths in he found out I was seeing someone, he went psycho - entered my house and stole stuff, put a tracker in my car, stalked me, slashed the tyre on new man's vehicle.

I'm now 3.5 yrs out and during that time he has attempted suicide 3 times and been sectioned for a month. Most of his suicide attempts were emotional blackmail and I fell into the trap. He seems much better now and has a part time job, luckily our children are grown up now.

What helped me leave was realising that if he killed himself it was not my fault, it was his own actions and I would carry no guilt.

You definitely can leave someone with a mental health illness, sometimes you need to for your own sanity and because you likely aren't helping him by 'supporting' him, he has no reason to get better..

Been thinking about you this morning OP. It is a really tough decision to make and follow through with. It really stuck out to me though that your kids are still young and it really is such an amazing time when they are that little. You deserve to be able to relax and enjoy them - this time goes so fast and I think you’d regret it in the future if you looked back and felt you had spent so much energy propping up your husband that you missed a lot of the joy of these early years.

I also think that for a long time you’ve put yourself at the bottom of the pile - but you deserve to have joy and fun and support in your life. It’s ok to want that and create a life where you can have that. You’ve tried to support him but you can’t keep treading water while holding him up. At the risk of sounding cheesy, you deserve to have your strength for you, for your children, for your career and hobbies and the things you want to do. Not to spend a good portion of it constantly trying to support everyone.

It’s not selfish to want to have a peaceful
life where you can enjoy your children and not be weighed down all the time.

I think you’ve made a brave choice to decide to change this situation and I also think life can get so much better for you and your kids - in a year or two you’ll look back at this time and be amazed at the sheer energy it took to keep going and how drained you really were.

@salayes Your advice is so reasoned and really resonates. I need to hear it because in my head I am not worthy and I should not do things that only benefit me. It's his behaviour to me and the stress onto me that the kids will notice, they don't seem wary around him and he's nice to them so i feel it's more for me than them. Of course the kids are my priority and if I know 100% what's best for them I will do it. I've been going back and forth - everyone is right that it's damaging for them to be in a bad atmosphere with a stressed Mum, but then I keep panicking that i've not given him enough time to get better. Maybe they will come to think i was too harsh on their Dad? :(

I see how much they love him, he's always kind to them, and I'd be giving up my right to see them every day and every special occasion, and he isn't into big occasions so if they are with him for Xmas it would be quite sad for them. That really hurts. But then the long term damage - will my daughters accept bad treatment because of it, will their future relationships be dysfunctional?

I guess I look at the gorgeous kids and they are so amazing and I feel sad to finally admit that their Dad is not someone i want to be with. It almost feels i'm rejecting a part of them. Maybe so stupid but I need to work on that.

Thanks for all the replies with personal experiences - it is slowly but surely making me realise there is another way and that I am not so alone with this situation, which makes it feel a little less insurmountable. But still so much to work out in my head. I wish I was naturally stronger and didn't second guess myself so much, but I guess I wouldn't be here if I was.

Hi, I can't read your post & not reply. I was in your exact situation 10 years ago. I was exhausted, working full time, keeping everything going with a young child & he refused help. I lived with a constant knot in my stomach never knowing what to expect each day. I left with our child. I didn't want him around his father as it was dragging us all down. We have since built a happy, secure , fun life full of adventure. I never ever regretted it even though my ex passed away. I think this would have happened regardless of me staying. Sending hugs. X

Even if you do leave him, it would be worth him investigating the adhd angle. It's well known that undiagnosed people can be depressed, anxious and self medicate with drugs. This is my partner and he's a different person in adhd meds. He not perfect and has years of depression to pick through and recover from, but he's finding life so much easier. 100% okay for you to leave him though, it's his battle, not yours.