Living close to exH

[HelpWendy]

Hi all,

This maybe should be in the separation thread - please move if it should be.

A strange one and I would be very glad to hear your views.

I am separating from my husband, still living in the same house (which he will inherit) - it’s okay - weekends are tough, as pretty much pretending with two small kids.

I’ve been looking at a house and have been out bid. The market is mental at the moment and I live in an expensive rural area. Kids are in good schools and have a lot of friends etc. As do I. I work three days a week and am reasonably financially independent, though lacking a large chunk of money to make a move easy, we can only wish.

Anyway, so I’ve been outbid, cannot justify or afford how much a house will cost. The repayments would be insane and I would crush under the pressure I think and be even less available to my young kids. There is an alternative though, be it a very odd one, or maybe it isn’t and I have to change my perspective.

I have a 15 acre field in my name beside the house, so large enough and with a separate entrance. The alternative would be to try to get planning for a house (hopefully tricky enough) and build something for much much less, which I can afford with exH help. The kids 6 and 3 would be near their Dad, who is a wonderful father and also not be completely wrenched from ‘home’. We wouldn’t be under massive financial pressure and if anything I would be adding financial value in the process. Those are the pros I guess. But the cons, I don’t like them. I’d be living in a fairly isolated area, granted I have a lot of friends a drive away, but would pretty much be 200 or 300m from husband. Could plant trees etc and established a very seperate place, but is it weird? Effectively you’re breaking up but then he’s the only person you know I’m walking distance? I know it’s good for the kids but would it be weird for the kids too? Could I put a new age Gwnyth Palthrow spin on it? Say to myself this works and try to relive the stigma I have put on it? Also will I become this strange 42 year old living beside her ex in the middle of nowhere???

Help so stuck and have to move on soon. Thanks x

Hi OP!

To be honest, it does sound slightly strange - but also wonderful for your children! Especially if it means you're under less financial pressure / can afford somewhere nicer to live.

On a 15 acre site you don't need to be right next to each other, you already know the area and hopefully like it!

Could you sell the land? It might give you enough money to allow you to buy somewhere else.

I'm sorry, but when I left my husband, I wanted to move as far away as possible from him (and did so, several hundred miles). I didn't want to ever see him, or bump into him, especially with his new partner. Have u considered that scenario, that he might move another woman into your old home? Shudder. No, I would not be hanging around.

How are you both likely to react to the other having a new relationship?
I know two women who were co-parenting fine with men who instigated the end of the relationship.
The men turned vicious when the women were the first to move on romantically.
All calmed down when the men found their own new partners.
But would have been a nightmare to be living in sight of each other.
Equally would it break your heart to see a new woman in your old family home and your children running over to tell her some news?
I know some people do it and make it work but be honest with yourself about the pitfalls first.
Also, could you sell the house once built or will their be restrictions as I'm assuming it's on a family farm?

I'm a bit confused, first you describe the house as being in a great area, lots of friends for both you & DC near by and also great for good school.

Is this the sane house your stbxh will inherit? If so, how is it suddenly too isolated with no friends around etc?

Other than my questions, think it founds great for kids but agree with PPs that it could be a nightmare for both of you trying to move on.

I'm a single mum and if I met a guy who lived in an extremely remote area where is only neighbour in walking distance was his exW I'd find it all a bit too weird

It is isolated in the sense that it’s in the countryside not a town. Yes friends are a 10 minute drive away but I would have neighbours like I would on a street.

You’re all confirming my fears to be honest. It’s just so many friends have said that as we are fairly amicable, we’ve just admitted defeat, that it could be the most feasible and practical solution but to me I have a massive doubt, just the strangeness of it all.

And yes there would be planning restrictions as to reselling it, at least 5 years.

I think it’s a brilliant idea. Make it your own. Get the planning permission. Build the house. Then you could sell it at a later date and then move. Don’t waste this golden opportunity. In the meantime, look into getting a caravan set up in the field where you can live to get some space? You could hire one? Make it luxury obviously but what an adventure! Keep a daily diary and turn it into a book

That is so interesting your opinion is completely different!

Another one suggesting selling the land.

If you're concerned about rural living I personally would move nearer / into town - as children get older, they will need to be ferried around a lot.

What assets do you currently have with your DH? are you factoring in any split of assets into your available cash for purchasing ?

Re building your own house: this isn't a quick fix. Planning permission can be a bugger to get. Would the current owners of your house object ? Even if planning permission sailed through - there are plans to draw up, building contracts to agree and then the building would be in the region of 4-6 months so all being well you're looking at a minimum of a year and probably much much longer.

Where would your funding some from ? Used to be the case that mortgage companies would release the money in stages in arrears so you might well need a large cash float to keep work going whilst waiting for money to be available. There are groups of those who are interested in self build might be worth looking into making contact.

I sympathise entirely. I am stuck in rented in a small rural village and my ex is in the next rural village. Logistically there are about 4 villages in which I could buy to make childcare work. The largest is ruled out due to ex living there.
I'm down to 2 tiny villages to find a home in and they are all very expensive. A three bed semi will cost about £600k and I will not received much from the divorce.
To be honest, I would rather be 5-10 miles away rather than this close. That's a personal choice though.
I couldn't do the field arrangement as I want space and freedom and I dont' want my life scruitinised by the ex. We are all different though

OP - what sort of financial agreement have you reached? It doesn’t sound fair that he is left with a house while you are struggling to get a place to house you and the kids.
Both if your housing needs are normally deemed equal. And both need to come away with similarly appropriate housing.

If your main issue is the deposit - why is your H not freeing up some equity from the house for you to buy? Or, as others - why not sell the land.

Having divorced about a year ago - I can tell you that living this close may sound like a good idea in this early stage you are in, but a terrible idea in the medium/long term.
Both of you would be moving on sooner than you think now and it will be a challenge.
And imaging dating and bringing anyone home. Or what your future partners would feel being this close to your Ex.
And while proximity is great now while kids are tiny, I can only imagine teenagers throwing fits and playing you agains each other. And walking out to the other parent.

If I were you - I’d try to wait out until something more acceptable becomes available. Or, if you can’t live together any more - could you possibly consider ‘nesting’ for short term? For kids this small it can be the best.

I think it is a great idea! You don't have to see ex at all, just because he lives close, but kids can go and see him every day which is priceless.

Is he a farmer? If so, building on the family land and living on the family land is a different kettle of fish, even if you do technically own it.

From what you've described, getting planning permission probably won't be easy. If the land is adjacent to the plot where the house is, then you might have a better chance of getting permission for something (static caravan or lodge) on an ancillary use basis. At least to start off with. Probably best not to mention that you're getting divorced when applying for planning permission.

If you're on good enough terms with your ex, you might be able to agree on a nesting scenario where the kids stay in the house all the time and the two of you swap around. However, I expect those kind of arrangements get strained or fall apart pretty rapidly when new partners come on the scene.

If you are asking me, I would say, no, do not do it. My ex moved into the same building complex as me. He did it because of the cost. We live in social housing and the prices are so much less then regular rentals. I was happy for him and also, I knew he would never move out unless he moved into something like this. Our kids live with me still but are grown up, so I thought this would be good for them to, so they can pop in to see their dad.

While my ex does not bother me at all, I "know" he is rigth there and that makes me uncomfortable. In this early stage, every contact with him gives me a bit of anxiety and stuff but same happens when I walk by his house and see his car parked outside. Plus, I think that kids hate that he is right there because he expects them to come all the time but they are too busy to do it. I think once you separate from your partner move away (or he/she should move away) to a resonable distance so that they can get together with the kids relatively easily but you do not risk running into them all the time.

@Changethetoner

Could you sell the land? It might give you enough money to allow you to buy somewhere else.

I'm sorry, but when I left my husband, I wanted to move as far away as possible from him (and did so, several hundred miles). I didn't want to ever see him, or bump into him, especially with his new partner. Have u considered that scenario, that he might move another woman into your old home? Shudder. No, I would not be hanging around.

But you haven't listened to the OP. Her husband is a wonderful father. Do you really think she should move hundreds of miles away?

Build a house for you to live in for the next few years to help your kids transition with the break up, then when they're more independent sell or rent the house and move away.

It's unusual but if you can make it work the kids can have the second best option (to parents together). Things to consider are what will happen when new partners are on the scene? Will one of you get jealous?

Divorce first so that any capital you realise is yours. Build flip it and move on. Everything's ok for now but what about when new partners arrive. It's too much tied into the now. Also when you do divorce seek a consent order for a clean break

I would see if I could get planning permission to build then either sell the land with planning permission or build then sell.
I live a ten minute walk from my ex husband and it makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes, He could walk past as a date picks me up or I could just see him at the local shops and as he hasn’t moved on with anyone it is in the back of my mind that he could become unpleasant if he knows I have.

Thanks for all the comments. He will inherit house and I own surrounding land. He wouldn't object to a planning permission, it all works well for him, granted the new partner issue is crap for everyone. My fear is that we would break up but in reality it wouldn't be any different as a lot of you point out. He would be contributing to a new build completly, he's won't be short changing me. He is a good man, we just have absolutely no connection that resembles a couple, its functional for the kids. Makes me sad I married and messed up.

But back to house. It's so hard to get perspective when you're in the situation. I try to imagine me seeing another couple in that scenario and what would I see.

He is totally on board that any increase in value would be mine, we are not out to get eachother. I know that sounds naive but it is true and we will knock up some agreements in advance to ensure its all copper fastened.

The thing is I just can't see an alternative, nothing to rent, market value are astronomical and completed inflated, the kids are small. It would be a short to medium term plaster, yes like a transition. He might well want to move away either and he wont have the planning restrictions. It's not a farm but I guess a non working farm holding. I guess I worry about the stigma and the kids, that there parents are two weirdos who live next to eachother in a fairly secluded spot too.

The new partner things - no I won't get jealous. I actually don't see us being partnered up very quick, I think our breakdown has utterly worn us out. But new partners in terms of the kids, yes, it would be confusing for them, but maybe no more so than a traditional breakup arrangement where someone moves more out of sight. Then I was chatting to a friend this evening, who said, the world has changed blended families aren't strange anymore. Then again, advice is sometime cheap from friends even though well intended, they just want to be supportive.

I couldn't take the kids far away, he doesn't deserve that and even though they are young they have a good set up in the area with friends, schools and activities.

@altmember

From what you've described, getting planning permission probably won't be easy. If the land is adjacent to the plot where the house is, then you might have a better chance of getting permission for something (static caravan or lodge) on an ancillary use basis. At least to start off with. Probably best not to mention that you're getting divorced when applying for planning permission.

If you're on good enough terms with your ex, you might be able to agree on a nesting scenario where the kids stay in the house all the time and the two of you swap around. However, I expect those kind of arrangements get strained or fall apart pretty rapidly when new partners come on the scene.

"Probably best not to mention that you're getting divorced when applying for planning permission"

Why do you say that out of interest?

@Greenhand

I sympathise entirely. I am stuck in rented in a small rural village and my ex is in the next rural village. Logistically there are about 4 villages in which I could buy to make childcare work. The largest is ruled out due to ex living there. I'm down to 2 tiny villages to find a home in and they are all very expensive. A three bed semi will cost about £600k and I will not received much from the divorce. To be honest, I would rather be 5-10 miles away rather than this close. That's a personal choice though. I couldn't do the field arrangement as I want space and freedom and I dont' want my life scruitinised by the ex. We are all different though

I would LOVE the freedom. But it just seems impossible. 3 bed semi here would be more like 700k. It just seems the only option.

I have some cash and exH would help too to build but to buy at that level and sustain the repayments...

@freeatlast2021

If you are asking me, I would say, no, do not do it. My ex moved into the same building complex as me. He did it because of the cost. We live in social housing and the prices are so much less then regular rentals. I was happy for him and also, I knew he would never move out unless he moved into something like this. Our kids live with me still but are grown up, so I thought this would be good for them to, so they can pop in to see their dad.

While my ex does not bother me at all, I "know" he is rigth there and that makes me uncomfortable. In this early stage, every contact with him gives me a bit of anxiety and stuff but same happens when I walk by his house and see his car parked outside. Plus, I think that kids hate that he is right there because he expects them to come all the time but they are too busy to do it. I think once you separate from your partner move away (or he/she should move away) to a resonable distance so that they can get together with the kids relatively easily but you do not risk running into them all the time.

Yes it is the 'knowing' he's there, not that I am frightened or anything but it would hinder moving on for both of us. Grr good for kids vs good for us??!

Thanks you have given me a lot to think about - will copy and paste the thread to refer back.